A Ponys Listening Party? You Bring the Whips, I’ll Bring the Chains and Leather.

Barbaro is dead. Multiple fractures in his right hind leg meant multiple operations over the past eight months and resulted in multiple broken hearts from wannabe horse whisperers and shifty bookies throughout the land. Before you think the 2006 Kentucky Derby winner was put down by a cruel ownership conglomerate (Barbaro: "Oh c'mon bosses, you can't do this!" / Owners: "Well, what have you done for me, Barbaro?" / Barbaro: "Uh, I won the fucking Kentucky Derby, ass-wads." / Owners: "Well, what have you done for me lately???"), this sort of thing unfortunately happens all too often with suffering horses. The three-year-old colt whinnied for the last time on January 29 after continually failing to recuperate from shattering his leg at the Preakness Stakes last year. Not all lame horses have to be put down (one even went on to win a Best Actress Oscar for her role in Erin Brockovich), but given Barbaro's devastating injury and subsequent ailments resulting from the broken leg, there was no choice in the matter.

But just as "every time a door closes, another opens," every time a horse gets euthanized another four take its place. Or something like that. Stunned into action by the recent news of its fellow equine's demise, Chicago's quartet of strong studs and fiery mare, The Ponys, have announced the imminent arrival of a new album called Turn the Lights Out on March 20. It is the band's third album and first for Matador Records, who wisely signed the skuzz-rock muckers back in September. Turn the Lights Out was recorded by John Agnello (The Hold Steady, Sonic Youth) at Steve Albini's Electrical Audio.

It's all in the breeding:

Bonnie “Prince” Billy Upset About Super Bowl Halftime Show Snubbing; Goes on Retaliatory Tour

It was a grim scene at Drag City headquarters on Sunday night. Rather than the usual Super Bowl festivities, which have been known to include free barbecue, festive door prizes, and the occasional Bill Callahan keg stand, the group simply stared awkwardly at the TV, not knowing quite what to say. Not even Ben Chasny's book of football-themed Mad Libs could lighten the mood.

You see, since childhood, Will Oldham has harbored dreams of performing live at the Super Bowl Halftime show. In years past, there has always been something to prevent him from really having a go at it -- a tour here, a new album there -- but this year was his big chance. And when the Super Bowl Halftime Selection Committee announced it would be seeking an artist with the name "Prince," he knew it was 2007 or never. He fought valiantly, practicing for hours a day and trying to choreograph his show with a full marching band and pyrotechnics display -- even exposing his tasseled breast to an worldwide audience -- but in the end it just wasn't enough. As many of you know, the slot eventually went to Prince (although Prince Paul put up an impressive attempt as well).

Oldham was left with two choices: give up and let this setback get the better of him, or take all of that pent-up Super Bowl energy and unleash it throughout a series of European shows. Thankfully for the rest of us, he chose the latter. And don't quote me on this, but you might look for The BPB to sing the Star-Spangled Banner at this year's NBA Finals.

Cheer up, Will:

The Second Coming of Jarvis Cocker: Immaculate Conception on the Rise

And when he should return across the pond, all will be aware of his presence. Housewives shall shirk all duties in favor tawdry sexual affairs with tall boys in glasses. The working class shall revolt against the voyeuristic upper class. The lanky shall triumph over the muscular. The evils of matching furniture sets will be exposed. More books shall be read. Skeletons will rise and terrorize the Wild West. The common man is forewarned that the fat children will take to the streets, going on violent rampages of theft and mastication.

Jarvis will be released in America on April 3; a brief American tour will follow. Repent, ye sinners! Or perhaps those who have not yet sinned enough.

When Deerhunter Announce a Tour, They Announce a TOUR, Know What I mean?

Check out the following testimony taken from Deerhunter's MySpace page:

"Tonight I saw your group in Nashville. Please, STOP MAKING (what might be concieved as) MUSIC! You have no melodies, there was no songwriting skills involved, lack of chord structures, AND your songs are pathetically too long. It's an embarassment you opened for the yeahyeahyeahs. I turned my back to your group after 2 songs...and I remainded that way until your wannabe art student asses left. I would tell everyone I know not to see you...but it looks as if your front man is about to die. Seriously, get that half-ass man some help. You try to pull off this "shock and awe" pretentious bull-shit and its horrible! Iggy Pop, Velvet Underground, and Black Flag, all used some "shock and awe" BUT they had the MUSIC to back it up! You guys need to either quit for a year or learn how to play your damn intruments! I felt raped of my money tonight. I was ashamed to even play music because you guys are on this earth. I've seen over 100 shows in my life and I've seen bad, believe me, but you guys take the cake.Everyone around me was also disgusted. Stop, please just stop. If I see your flier in my town, I will take it down, if you are booked anywhere within a state of me I will publically speak and tell people not to go. You are a pile of shit in this "thing" we call the music business. Go get a job. Fuckin' wannabe's man....fuckin wannabe's. In the words of a brilliant band called Travis..."Peace the fuck out!" -Pissed and ashamed"

Now check out Paul Haney's TMT review here.

Somebody's wrong. Has to be. Either way, Deerhunter are about to head out on a newly announced tour. Is I going? Maybe, maybe. But one thing is almost certain: you are. Deerhunter's latest release is the hottest thing since Deerhoof's latest release, so if you're not actually there, then shit b, you're well on your way to losing some friends and family. Don't worry though; they're the ugly ones, and no one likes ugly people. In fact, I hate ugly people. "Does that mean you hate yourself?" Shut up, leave me alone. You're stupid.

Gang Gang Dance to Finally Release DVD/CD Project Because God’s Son (Nas) Told Them To

After experiencing delays last year, The Social Registry is set to release Gang Gang Dance's experimental film Retina Riddim May 22. What was once only a DVD release now boasts a companion 25-minute audio CD of remixed goodness, which is partly to blame for the delay. The other reasons? The original title (Twin Peaks: The Second Season) and plot (who killed Laura Palmer?) were apparently already taken. HAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!

According to Jim at The Social Registry, Gang Gang Dance "are currently working hard on their next full-length. And possibly they will be heading out on tour around the time of the DVD release." Which really means GGD has completed recording their new album and they'll definitely be touring in support of Retina Riddim around its release. You heard it here first.

Arctic Monkeys Release New Record, Forget To Change Ridiculous Band Name

Oh, them wacky Sheffeild boys are at it again, making music and wooing girls all over the world with their dashing good looks. Yep, that's right, kids, Arctic Monkeys are the coolest thing from the North Pole to hit the internet since Club Penguin. It seems that being named the Best British Band by the NME has gone to the band's head, as now they have opted to release a new record on their uber-hip label, Domino.

The new album, Favourite Worst Nightmare, is set to be UNLEASHED upon the world (oh, okay, on North America) April 23. The disc will be preceded by a single, "Brianstorm" (not sure if that's as clever as I think it's supposed to be), on April 17. If I could come up with something clever to say about that, I would. However, I can't, so here's the fancy-dancy tracklisting thing which really means nothing until you've heard the songs anyway: