President Bush Pardons John Forté, Shyne Still Lacking Necessary Political Clout

What would you do if you were President for two months and nothing you did mattered? I would probably do exactly what President Bush is currently doing, which is pardon the shit out of a bunch of people for no reason. On November 24, he pardoned former Fugees producer John Forté, during the eighth year of his 14-year prison sentence. In 2000, Forté was caught at Newark International Airport with over $1.4 million in liquid cocaine. He was found guilty on charges of intent to distribute and conspiracy to distribute, and was sentenced to 14 years in low-security federal prison. When asked to comment on his pardon of Forté, President Bush responded, "Who?"

In the years since his arrest, Forté has received support from Carly Simon (for whom he has sung backup vocals and who posted his $250,000 bail) and her son Ben Taylor, who believe that Forté did not receive a fair trial. Also chief among their beliefs is that (contrary to the implication of several tapped phone calls) Forté did not realize that the briefcase he was carrying contained cocaine. Taylor originally met Forté through a cousin who was Forté's classmate at Phillips Exeter. Remy Ma, still in prison, probably wishes she had gone to college right about now, as fiancé Papoose's form of advocacy seems to have failed.

President-Elect Obama has declared that one of his first acts as President will be to shoot John Forté with a tranquilizer dart and drag him back to prison so that he may serve out the rest of his sentence, demanding, "Did anyone else read the part about 1.4 million dollars worth of coke?"

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