RIP: Joe Gibbs Dies of Heart Attack, Age 65

Growth of Internet Radio Listenership Linked to Pre-Pubescent Boy

Recent analysis of the internet has revealed that internet radio's usual complement of five listeners (presumably all residents of Sealand) was supplemented by the addition of Jonathan Trevor, a 12-year-old boy from St. Louis. When asked why he chose to tune in to the internet rather than his usual terrestrial station, 105.7 The Point, Trevor cited "totally lame song selection" and "poor reception in the basement."

While he enjoyed the internet radio station, he also said he would likely "only listen to internet radio again if he had to," complaining that the sound quality "sucked on my weak-ass DSL." Jonathan's decision to listen last week increased listenership about 26%, according to FMQB.

This appears to be good news for internet radio stations such as indie favorite WOXY.com, who have been battling potentially crushing royalty rate increases that threaten to drive them out of the business.

The bad news, however, is that "AOL's Shoutcast took the biggest share of online listenership in 2007, with 48.8 percent of total listening hours, followed by Clear Channel Online, Yahoo! Music, AOL Radio Networks and Pandora." Not that corporate control of the internet is bad, right?

Universal Music Screws Dozens of Musicians, Doesn’t Stick Around for Breakfast

Man, what's with those ungrateful jazz musicians? It's like you give ‘em one lousy Grammy, and they start making all KINDS of outrageous demands!

"Listen to our records!" "Pay us the money you owe us contractually!" Sheeeesh, get a life, am I right?

Last week, more than a dozen of these finicky recording artists, including the estates of jazz legends Count Basie and Benny Goodman (whoever they are, right?), sued Universal Music, saying they had been "cheated out of more than $6 million in royalties since 1998." I mean, can you believe the arrogance?

Many of these "artists" (and I use the term loosely!) foolishly signed to labels that were later wisely and graciously bought by the sage-like Universal, and they had the gall to sue the world's largest music label for such trivialities as "breach of contract" and "breach of fiduciary duty," according to the lawsuit filed in New York State Court.

Universal, which is owned by the French company Vivendi, denied the allegations in a magnanimous statement while also making sure to stress the ease with which they will crush these ungrateful musical nobodies. "We believe that these claims are baseless, and we are confident that we will prevail in court," the company said.

The lawsuit alleges that Universal, which is required to submit at least biannual reports of sales and earnings for each artist, provided false information throughout the accounting period of May 1999 through February 2007.

According to this paper-thin suit, Universal has "systematically underpaid royalties" since 1998. These money grubbing scoundrels also allege that Universal failed to provide all of the records needed to calculate the losses... but don’t you believe this pack of liars, good people!

"Despite a relationship based on trust and manifold contractual obligations, and despite the fact that defendants realized an overwhelming windfall to both its finances and reputation as a result of this relationship, [Universal has] ‘utterly failed' to meet their obligations," the lawsuit continues. It then goes on to accuse little old Universal of engaging in "pervasive and systematic acts of using false statements" to conceal the complete earnings of the artists.

Other artists included in the lawsuit, (a.k.a. "scam"), either individually or through their estates, were Les Brown, Richard Hayman, Dick Hyman, Woody Herman, Kitty Kallen, Frankie Laine, Tony Martin, John Mills, Jerry Murad, Patti Page, Sister Rosetta Tharpe, and Sarah Vaughn.

Et tu, Sarah Vaughn?

Stay strong, Universal Music. TMT knows you didn't do it! Viva big business!!!

Whoever coined the advertising wet-dream “often imitated never duplicated” must still be royally profiting from his well-chosen words. In commercial terms, that cornball quip never gets stale, whether it is in reference to the latest Subway sub, the latest software package, or the latest self-glossing celebutante. If we use the term to describe the Primavera Sound Festival, it fits nicely. Where else can you sun your buns, drink stomach-pumping quantities of sangria, and witness acts like Animal Collective, Portishead (playing twice), Dinosaur Jr., Cat Power, Mission of Burma, AND Public Enemy performing It Takes a Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back? Nowhere but Primavera, being held May 29-31, 2008 at the Parc del Fòrum in Barcelona (I haven’t checked out the lineup for Spain’s other gigantic gathering Benicassim yet, but if I am proven to be fibbing here, I will endure the standard TMT reader’s penance: the weeklong rectal lodging of 12 Keebler “Chips Deluxe” cookies.).

Here is the list of artistas confirmados which includes a number of “fucking” bands (Fuck Buttons, Holy Fuck, Rufus Fucking Wainwright), a bunch of Marys (The Mary Onettes, Mary Weiss, Mary Malkmus & The Jicks), and, representing both the young bucks and aging carcasses, all sorts of domestic and foreign of buffalo, caribou, dinosaur, cat, and vampire species:

808 State, A Place To Bury Strangers, Alan Braxe, Animal Collective, Apparat Band, DJ Assault, Atlas Sound, Autolux, Awesome Color, Bill Callahan, Bishop Allen, Bob Mould Band, Bon Iver, Boris, British Sea Power, Buffalo Tom, Caribou, Cat Power, Clipse, The Cribs, De La Soul, Deerhunter, Digital Mystikz, Dinosaur Jr., Dirty Projectors, Dr. Octagon (Kool Keith + Kutmasta Kurt), Edan & MC Dagha, El Guincho, Ellen Allien, Enon, Eric's Trip, Fanfarlo, The Felice Brothers, Fuck Buttons, DJ Funk, Gentle Music Men, The Go! Team, Grande-Marlaska, Health, Holy Fuck, Holly Golightly & The Brokeoffs, It's Not Not, Kavinsky, Kinski, Les Savy Fav, Lightspeed Champion, Madee, Man Man, The Mary Onettes, Mary Weiss, The Marzipan Man, Menomena, Messer Chups, Midnight Juggernauts, Mission Of Burma, Mixmaster Mike, Model 500, MV & EE with The Golden Road, Nick Lowe, No Age, The Notwist, Okkervil River, OM, Para One, Pissed Jeans, Polvo, Port O'Brien, Portishead, Prinzhorn Dance School, Public Enemy, Robert Hood, Rufus Wainwright, The Rumble Strips, Scout Niblett, Sebadoh, Shipping News, Silver Jews, Simian Mobile Disco, Six Organs Of Admittance, Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks, The Strange Death Of Liberal England, Subterranean Kids, Supermayer, Surkin, The Swell Season, Tachenko, Tarántula, Throbbing Gristle, Tiefschwarz, Times New Viking, Tindersticks, Träd Gräs och Stenar, Vampire Weekend, Vórtice, Voxtrot, White Williams, Why?, Young Marble Giants

Maxim Publishes Negative Review of an Album Without Listening To It

Reviewing new music can be a bit of a task, especially if you have a whole pile of promos to sort through and you just don't give much of a rat's ass about most of them. But let's say there's a release that your publication has deemed relatively important, and by relatively important I mean SO important that a review MUST be included in the next issue, despite the fact that you haven't listened to it yet.

Luckily, if you work at Maxim, that doesn't even matter! The Black Crowes recently released a statement bashing the magazine for negatively reviewing their latest album, Warpaint, even though the writer had only heard the record's single, "Goodbye, Daughters of the Revolution." An e-mail conversation between madder'n'hell Crowes manager Pete Angelus and the Pulitzer-bound publication yielded the following explanation from Maxim's music editor:

Of course, we always prefer to (sic) hearing music, but sometimes there are big albums that we don’t want to ignore that aren’t available to hear, which is what happened with the Crowes. It’s either an educated guess preview or no coverage at all, so in this case we chose the former.

Seriously, they're that good. I might try my hand at this "educated guess" school of reporting. From now on, I'm not even going to attend the concerts I review. Instead, I will write an elaborate account of the stage-diving accident that left one concertgoer with a beer bottle permanently fused to the back of his head, as well as the legendary and inexplicable appearance of Tom Jones during the encore. Doesn't matter what show I'm talking about or if the concert ever happened; our readers have to be kept in the know. Even if we don't know. Right.

Here's the Maxim "review" in full:

The Black Crowes • Warpaint • Silver Arrow

The Black Crowes already sounded like grizzled classic rockers on their 1990 debut. While it certainly was a neat trick for a bunch of twenty-somethings to pull off, it hasn't left Chris Robinson and the gang much room for growth. Now that they're legitimately grizzled, they sound pretty much like they always have: boozy, competent, and in slavish debt to the Stones, the Allmans, and the Faces. --D.P.

Hey Mr P! Let’s write a fantasy news story together! I’ll write it, and you fill in the blanks! Kinky! Here’s the headline: Tickley Feather Signs To Paw Tracks With an LP Slated for April

The Legend of The Tickley Feather

A long, long time ago, when ____the piltdown men____ walked the earth, a young, single mother and musician named Annie Sachs from Virginia was practicing ____her long division____. Her music sounded otherworldly, and her voice sounded like a ____tuba____ after a night of ____tubular bells____. One day, while ____flirting____ with the neighborhood poet, she came up with the name Tickley Feather. This poet inspired her to use Tickley Feather as her musician pseudonym.

Because of the smell of ____The Sopranos: The Complete Second Season______ during her encounter with the poet, she became immediately adept at playing the ____part of a "whore"_______. She and the poet ended up ____not having sex______, and he eventually ____became a priest____. For ages, she lay in her ____dungeon_______ and made music. As predicted in the prophecy, the ____Smashing Pumpkins producer Flood______ came and violently forced her out of her ____all-you-can-eat sushi____; eventually, she and her young ended up in Philadelphia and she ____bowled______ there for five years until Animal Collective coaxed her into coming to ____a different bowling alley_______ to record in their ____bowling______ laboratory.

Animal Collective forced her to eat ____bowling pins_______ everyday for ____2______ years while she composed 20 tracks for her self-titled debut due out April 29 on Paw Tracks.

The following manuscript was found in a ____dumpster_______ located in ____729 Marshall St NE, Minneapolis, MN________. The manuscript has been translated in over ____GREEN DAY RULES!!____ languages, and it's officially been announced by the ____Scout Leader Kyle is a d-bag______ that the manuscript is indeed a tracklisting for her self-titled debut.

Tickley Feather tracklist:

1. "I"ve got magic inside my bones somewhere"
2. Ooooo
3. Buttshot
4. The Python
5. Fancy Walking
6. "There"s this magic spell right inside your bones"
7. Noisey Dingle
8. Nothing 2 B sad about
9. Le Daylight
10. 1978 fast/xylophone/leaking roof
11. Night Chant
12. Keyboards is Drunk
13. Sorry Party
14. Night Train
15. Rain Bucket
16. Tonight is the Nite
17. Lookout What"s Next
18. Convention
19. "The Bone hits it with a drumstick and then your skin has a switch"
20. "I'm Magic"/ Bathtime