Ryan Adams Tourdates, Ryan Adams Needs a Date

Da’ Personals <3 <3

Single white male seeking compassionate, inspirational, gentle acoustic-lovin’ snuggle muffin. Must whisper “Easy, tiger” in my ear during nightly cuddle fests. Sloppy drunks welcome. College-education not preferred. Call 555-5555, and ask for Ryan, for a good time.

<3 <3 <3 Or visit me in my party van, oh, baby, baby:

I Have The Yo La Tengo Tour News, Dry Bilingual Punnery

Dear TMT readers,

Will you ever learn?

I mean, what's it gonna take for Yo La Tengo to show you that they're not fucking around here?

I guess it's just not enough anymore to simply assure you audience ingrates via some remote recording studio that they could beat all of your sissy, aging hipster asses (Although, come on now, who couldn't knock some horn-rimmed weenie on his or her ass, right? Even another horn-rimmed weenie could do that). They wrote and they taped and they roared and rampaged, but you still laughed in their faces!

And it's also apparently no longer good enough for the Matador megastars to go so far as to demonstrate the physical force behind that threat with the kind of ear-blistering, face-peeling, metaphysically ass-pounding power-riffage behind such serious tunes from last year's highly acclaimed LP I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass (TMT Review), such as the muscle-bound "Pass the Hatchet I Think I'm Goodkind," with its 'roid -popping guitar solos and ferociously locked-in beat.

Nope: it seems that for all of their "don't mess with us, we're fucking serious this time" warning signs, you people just can't take the hint. You all HEARD what this band did to that "Mr. Tough" guy, but you still just laughed at all of the cute horn parts and shrugged these guys (and girl) off, and now seems you're a-callin' down the fury.

That's right. Yo La Tengo is sick of your shit, and now they are rolling up their sleeves, puffing out their chests, outfitting their hands with badass fingerless gloves, stocking up on toothpicks and sunglasses, and COMING OVER TO YOUR PLACE to throw down. If you live in one of these select cities... uh, and if you're going to be in those particular cities on these specific dates... uh, then I'm afraid you are going down, my friend. And may God have mercy on you. Not even someone as bad-ass as Uncle Jesse can save you now.

Scheduled Beat-downs (with some tales, stories, and chit-chat):
09.09.07 - London, UK - Royal Festival Hall
09.10.07 - Brussels - Botanique
09.11.07 - Paris - Le Trabendo
09.12.07 - Brighton - Concorde
09.14.07 - Dorset/Wiltshire - End of the Road Festival
09.16.07 - Austin, TX - Zilker Park - Austin City Limits Festival
09.17.07 - Austin, TX - The Parish
09.29.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Hollywood Bowl
10.09.07 - Pittsburgh, PE - Warhol Museum
10.10.07 - Bloomington, IN - Buskirk-Chumley Theater
10.11.07 - Chicago, IL - Lakeshore Theater
10.12.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Discovery Museum
10.13.07 - Grand Rapids, MI - Calvin College Fine Arts Center
10.19.07 - Port Washington, NY - Jeanne Rimsky Theater at Landmark on Main Street
10.20.07 - Woodstock, NY - Colony Cafe
10.22.07 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church
10.23.07 - Alexandria, VA - Birchmere
11.10.07 - North Adams, MA - Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Art

The Most Serene Republic: “They make cool music AND know Kevin Drew.”

My phone’s been ringing all day. I swear, it’s the fucking telemarketers – why don’t these people get real jobs? I mean, usually when someone harasses you, ya get to call the cops. But these guys? No. They make money off it. And what makes them think I want the new Okkervil River CD anyway? This is an invasion of privacy. Where’s my piece of mind for... ((RING! F-in RING!)) One sec.

Hello? Yeah, I saw them on Conan. Yeah, I’ve seen the new video, too. I still don’t want it. No, stop calling here. Yes, I know TMT liked their last record.

Wait, how many easy payments is it? Wow, that is a good deal. Okay, gimme a minute to dig out my card. Stop rushing me, I'm acting fast... It comes with a complimentary jewel case and list of upcoming tourdates? Oh crap, amazing. I am gonna be the coolest guy on the block. Okay, my credit card number is XXXX-XXXX-XXXX-XXXX. Hey, where’d you go? Hello? Hello?

# Damien Jurado

% Vic Chesnutt

The Most Serene Republic: “They make cool music AND know Kevin Drew.”

I don’t have the internet. Yeah, no internet. It has been this way for quite some time too. Apparently the lovely people at RCN would rather not be paid. Anyway, there are 23 wireless networks in my apartment building, and yet not a single one is without a password. I have just been arbitrarily typing passwords into them with no success. Outside of the fact that this keeps me from my daily routine of posting inflammatory comments on video game message boards about how the Wii is the superior video game console due to the intuitive nature of its controller, it also keeps me from being able to actually add any facts into this news piece. So, here are some references that might be funny in context...

1. Welcome Back Kotter

a) Horshack (SEE! I don’t even know if that is spelled correctly due to the lack of Wikipedia)

b) A potential crossover series where Mr. Belding from Saved By the Bell runs Buchanan High

i) The hilarity that could perspective ensue

c) “Ranking”
i) “Up your nose with a rubber hose” and other rhyming body parts/gardening implements

I actually may reuse this at a later time. Get psyched.
2. Corey Matthews
3. The Disney Channel Original series Hannah Montana

a) The fact the Hannah’s brother “Jackson” is apparently played by a 30-year-old man (again, the lack of internet keeps me from citing this)

OH MY GOD. NEW NETWORK OPENED. THE PASSWORD IS "PASSWORD."

THANK YOU “APT 815” for your wireless internet.

You’ve got to be kidding... Okay, while there is a signal, there is no actual connection to the internet. I’m beside myself.

b) The unclear nature of the character “Robbie Ray” who has a murky background that alludes to him being a rock star but never directly states if he IS Billy Ray Cyrus.
i) Billy Ray Cyrus being on a television show in the year 2007

4. Anti-Flag’s entire discography

a) Die For Your Government, in particular

I SERIOUSLY CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I CAN GET ONTO THIS NETWORK, BUT THERES NO INTERNET CONNECTION. THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE
5. Furbies®

a) CIA agents not being allowed to purchase Furbies® out of fear that they would record secrets and send them to… the Russians?
i) I may have made this one up

ii) The Cold War


6. IMDB Forum
7. The rapidly changing characters in High School Music 2
8. The Adventures Of Pete and Pete
a) Petunia

b) Artie, the strongest man. IN THE WORLD!

i) Is he at all happy with his life

This is another thing I hate about not having the internet. I have a propensity for making jokes at the expensive of dead/incarcerated people, and I need to fact-check them before I submit... but without the internet, this is impossible. For all I know, Artie, the strongest man IN THE WORLD!, befell a tragic end and was written out of the show.
9. Summer Sanders
10. Costco, in general

a) The white-chocolate Capitol Buildings for sale, in specific

11. The bread from Trader Joe’s, which is covered in bible quotes.
a) Yeah, it exists

12. The Houston Oilers
a) Warren Moon

13. Kirby Puckett & Billy Blanks

Yup, good story, went to a Starbucks to steal wi-fi and send this.

OH internet, how I have missed you. Okay. Um.

The Most Serene Republic is touring.

They make cool music AND know Kevin Drew! OMG what RELEVANT content!

I Miss Wolf Parade, But Whatevs. New Sunset Rubdown Tour and Album This Fall. Woo…

FACT: Spencer Krug has been detained by the U.S. government before.

FACT: Spencer Krug is a fucking badass.

OPINION: Spencer Krug should totally give up on Sunset Rubdown and work on Wolf Parade full-time.

FACT: The new Sunset Rubdown album is called Random Spirit Lover.

FACT: I like Sunset Rubdown.

FACT: I like Wolf Parade more.

OPINION: I think chai tea with milk is the best.

RUMOR: Wolf Parade should have a new LP out by the end of this year.

FACT: Sunset Rubdown's newest LP will drop on October 9.

FACT: If Chuck Norris and Spencer Krug got in a fight, Krug would kick his ass while simultaneously playing three different songs from Wolf Parade, Sunset Rubdown, and Frog Eyes.

FACT: The tourdates below will get you close to Spencer Krug's junk. Promise.

* Black Mountain, Oakley Hall + Lightning Dust

# Johnny and the Moon and Magic Weapon