The plot thickens: Just like the luridly slanting storyline of our current GOP candidates’ journey, uh, “southward,” SanDisk’s seemingly off-the-rails plan just keeps getting more and more tragically ludicrous with each passing day. Let’s resume the tangled tale, shall we?
When last we left our euphemistically-picaresque heroes at SanDisk (TMT News), they were preparing the release of their new slotMusic initiative, which, as you no doubt recall from subsequent water-cooler conversations, aims to “put the 20th century hassle back in 21st century consumerism” by distributing digital albums on ultra-tiny, ultra-losable microSD memory cards in lieu of CDs or, you know, umm, those digital download things.
Among the myriad of preparations at SanDisk, which presumably included the cleaning, polishing, loading, and aiming of pistols at freshly bullseyed feet, were the announcements that albums in the new forwardly-backwards-looking format will be available beginning this week at a price of $15 a pop (i.e. MORE EXPENSIVE THAN DOWNLOADS) and that, yes, SanDisk will indeed be going ahead and offending both our planet’s stammering economy AND your consummate materialistic sensibilities with the release of a new, hopelessly uni-taking music player that is, you guessed it, designed specifically for the bass-ackwards format and nothing else. The Sansa slotMusic Player (dimensions = 2.75” x 1.4375” x 1.4375”) will retail $20, has no internal memory, and will not have the ability to synch with a computer to download songs. Nope. It simply lets users plug in their slotMusic card or other microSD memory card (if they haven’t lost it, that is) and play whatever Jimmy Buffet nonsense is on it.
To make matters even more ridiculous, this needy little device will also beg you to pay attention to a number of boldly presumptuous accessories, not the least of which is the “artist-branded” model, in which artists are apparently supposed to feel compelled to create their own signature slotMusic Player that comes pre-loaded with their latest album contained on an included 1 GB slotMusic card. Though they will be able to play any ol’ miniSD card that your infant, toddler, dog, cat, parakeet, ferret, couch cushion, car seat, lawnmower, washing machine, or vacuum cleaner hasn’t yet consumed, the artist-branded models have the added bonus of retailing for $35 instead of $20 and come custom designed with the artist's teeny name and tiny image. Oh, and because X-mas is just around the corner, there’s also a “Sansa Card Wallet” for carrying the many, many slotMusic cards that you’re going to buy and an armband for holding the player so that your hands are free to, like, blog about how much you like this new physical format or whatever.
No word yet as to exactly how much longer SanDisk and their marketers are going to keep on playing this game of chicken with the world, but for now, damned if they don’t seem to be heading straight for us with full poker face as they further announce that all four majors are on board with this debacle, and slotMusic titles will be sold in both Wal-Mart and Best Buy stores. And they aren’t messing around with their initial batch of SD-ified artists, either, which boasts nothing but chart-toppers, including: ABBA, Chris Brown, Coldplay, Daughtry, Elvis Presley, Jimi Hendrix, Jimmy buffet, Katy Perry, Keane, Kelly Clarkson, Kiss, Leona Lewis, Lynyrd Skynyrd, MIA, Nelly, New Kids On The Block, Ne-Yo, Nickelback, Pussycat Dolls, Rihanna, Rise Against, Robin Thicke, Tim McGraw, Toby Keith, Usher and Weezer. So there you have it, I guess! This is either a serious economic venture to someone somewhere, folks! Either that or a clever distraction from the Grand Old Party. Speaking of which, did you hear that 9/11 was an inside job?!?
