Sean Lennon Tours In Unrealistic Attempt To Top His Brother Julian’s Legacy

You know the drill, right? You're an intelligent dude/dudette on a busy schedule and you have little time to hem or haw. You see those tourdates laid out down there. Who's stopping you from skipping this paltry text and plunging right into the thick of it? Go on, scan for your city. Scratch that date down in your planner. Walk away. Don't bother yourself thinking about the consequences. After all, I don't have emotions. I'm merely a robot, and my purpose on this Earth is to serve you.

Sure, I was going to say a couple words about Sean Lennon's new album, Friendly Fire, but you probably aren't interested. And that's a-okay. You came here for the tourdates, the raw info, the bare bones, and that's what you'll get. It's how things work around here at TMT — soullessly. It shows character. Since you've probably stopped reading this text entirely, I'll just say I'm glad you now have some extra time to fast-forward through movies, read the last page of mystery novels, have sex with no foreplay, and eat sandwiches without bothering to put the meat on the bread. That's the kind of person you are: in-and-out. I respect that, and I respect you.

I'll be over here if you need anything else. Anything at all.

11.18.06 - Los Angeles, CA - El Rey Theatre
11.19.06 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall
11.21.06 - Vancouver, BC - Richards on Richard
11.22.06 - Seattle, WA - Neumo's Crystal Reading Room
12.11.06 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
12.12.06 - Chicago, IL - Park West
12.13.06 - Toronto, ON - Opera House
12.15.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Theater of Living Arts
12.16.06 - Boston, MA - Paradise
12.17.06 - Alexandria, VA - Birchmere
12.18.06 - State College, PA - State Theatre
12.22.06 - Baltimore, MD - Rams Head Tavern
12.23.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom

Hell Ys! Joanna Newsom Tours

iTunes users, the days of tyranny are over, and your emancipator is named DVD Jon! Really! I don't necessarily understand the particulars of this great event — it has something to do with Apple Computers cock-blocking the masses and just generally being bad sharers — but I'll do my best to correctly paraphrase some articles written by people who do.

Whether you knew it or not, all of the music you have been downloading from the iTunes store is compatible with only one model of portable MP3 player: the massively ubiquitous iPod, which is also an Apple product. This is thanks to a witchy little program, or maybe a "bug" or something, called FairPlay. So in essence, if you wanted to carry your legally downloaded iTunes music away from your computer — and 88% of online digital music purchases are through iTunes — you would need an iPod. This is the type of arrangement that was just itching for a bypass of the fuck-the-man kind.

DVD Jon, properly known as Jon Lech Johansen, is a 22-year-old Norwegian national who first made waves among computer nerds when he reverse-engineered something about DVDs so he could play them on his Linux system. He was 15 when he did that. The Scandinavian computer whisperer is confident that his FairPlay bypass is legal and is exploring ways to make it commercially available. Eventually, the workaround could be licensed to companies that manufacture digital music players so they can take advantage of iTunes.

Hell Ys! Joanna Newsom Tours

So I'm sitting here trying to think of a way to lead into this story, but it's impossible to concentrate on what I'm writing. Normally, it wouldn't be such a big deal, but tonight, I am at my parents' house, and I am sitting across the room from them as they watch the racially segregated new season of Survivor. And one of the contestants on the show is resting, leaning back casually in the shade, with an enormous erection. Oh God, and the narrator just said he was "cocky" about something, and I'm pretty sure that comment is to be interpreted on multiple levels. He's not even being discreet about it; it's just there, completely perpendicular to the rest of his body.

This is really upsetting to me, because I have been waiting for Joanna Newsom to tour for a pretty long time. I wanted to write some sort of article that reflected how I felt about her music, which is to say, an article that was absolutely gorgeous and original and clever. Maybe something that was written on an antique typewriter, in the middle of a meadow, at dawn. A robin would come and sit on my desk and tweet simple melodies to the beat of my fingers hitting the keys. The words would just come to me, as if in a vision, and when I was finished, I could rise from my seat knowing I had left the world a better place. Instead, all I can think about is this dude's boner and the apathetic reaction it received from the rest of the caucasian tribe. Seriously though, to me it was really obvious, flagrantly just... there, shamelessly and for no apparent reason.

I keep getting sidetracked. Joanna, if you're reading this, I want you to know that I'm sorry. You deserve better, and I did all I could to make an article worthy of having your name included in it. Instead, I combined Survivor and erections, and for that I offer my sincerest apologies. But for God's sake, it was just there, practically taking up half the screen, in broad daylight no less.

It was just there:

11.04.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - The Depot
11.05.06 - Denver, CO - Bluebird Theater
11.06.06 - Omaha, NE - Scottish Rite Masonic Center
11.07.06 - St. Louis, MO - Blueberry Hill
11.08.06 - Chicago, IL - Logan Square Auditorium
11.09.06 - Colombus, OH - Little Brothers
11.10.06 - Cleveland, OH - Beechland Ballroom
11.11.06 - Pittsburgh, PA - Andy Warhol Museum
11.13.06 - New York, NY - Webster Hall +
11.14.06 - Boston, MA - Somerville Theatre +
11.15.06 - New Haven, CT - Toad's Place +
11.16.06 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church +
11.17.06 - Washington, DC - Black Cat +
11.18.06 - Greensboro, NC - Gail Brower Huggins Theater
11.19.06 - Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse
11.20.06 - Nashville, TN - Mercy Lounge
11.21.06 - Knoxville, TN - Blue Cats
11.22.06 - Asheville, NC - Diana Wortham Theatre
11.24.06 - Louisville, KY - Headliners
11.25.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottle Tree
11.29.06 - Malibu, CA - Malibu Performing Arts Center
11.30.06 - Los Angeles, CA - El Rey Theater
12.03.06 - Portland, OR - Aladdin Theater
12.04.06 - Seattle, WA - Showbox
12.05.06 - Vancouver, BC - St. Andrew's-Wesley Church
12.11.06 - Norman, OK - Meecham Theater, University of Oklahoma

+ w/ P.G. Six

Ys comes out on Drag City on November 14.

Organizers Quietly Check to Make Sure Australians Speak English Before Asking Dirty Three to Curate All Tomorrow’s Parties 2007

Feel that tingling in your fingers? You know what that means, don't you?! The first All Tomorrow's Parties festival of 2007 has just been announced, and it's going to be frickin' ace. If you don't know how ATP works, here's a quick rundown: every year (well, it's more like every six months or less at the moment) the organizers choose an artist to curate the festival, who then picks her/his favorite bands and films and TV shows to play over one weekend. Then, they have to pick their party theme. Who could forget 2005's Slint "Shark Attack!" ATP? Or The Yeah Yeah Yeahs and their "Toga Party" festival earlier this year?

Next year it's the Dirty Three's turn to curate. And their theme? Well, you'd best get your dancing shoes all buffed up, because they've decided it's going to be hit musical Grease! And they're going overboard this year. Along with your ticket, you'll receive a sealed envelope with either the word "Jock" or "Nerd" printed inside. You'll be expected to turn up dressed accordingly. Candy floss and root beer are going to be served for 10p each, and you're only going to be allowed to smoke in a small area behind the main stage, looking shifty and watching out for teach', or Warren Ellis.

In addition, each band picked will play at least one song from the Grease soundtrack. Formation dancing is expected, but will not be required. Here's the lineup so far:

Nick Cave ("Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee")

Grinderman ("Summer Nights")

The Dirty Three ("Grease Theme")

Low ("Sandy")

Papa M ("Greased Lightning")

The Drones ("It's Raining On Prom Night")

Faun Fables ("Alone At The Drive-In Movie")

Brokeback ("Hopelessly Devoted To You")

Tara Jane O'Neil ("Rydell Fight Song")

Magnolia Electric Company (GREASE MEGA-MIX!!!)

Thee Silver Mount Zion Fantastycal Mystery Orchestra On Wheels In The Sky [or whatever the hell they're calling themselves at the moment] ("You're The One That I Want")

Devastations ("Greased Up and Ready To Go")

Apparently, Low and Papa M fought like dogs to get the chance to play "Greased Lighning." Dave Pajo's like a fighting machine. He'd already snapped Mimi Parker's arms like twigs and was about to tear out Alan Sparhawk's jugular with his teeth before they admitted defeat.

ATP 2007 is to be the second one to move away from its old home at the Pontin's at Camber Sands (after the upcoming Nightmare Before Christmas, which is curated by Thurston "Hell Yeah" Moore). Instead, ATP 2007 is going to be hosted in Minehead, in Somerset. No, that's not near London, America. While the ATP hardcore might protest the change in venue, bear in mind that this new place has a motherfucking water slide. Also, the last place was, to all intents and purposes, Auschwitz.

Swan Lake To Release Debut Album

Wow, would you get a load of that! A real headline! How boring. Perhaps I should have scoured my press releases for something to build a series of useless puns off of, so as to create an award-winning, eye-catching headline to draw in the readers, and thus, continue making TMT the most amazing site ever.

Instead, I am forsaking all creativity and simply writing about some Canadian indie musicians. Woe is me. So there's this guy who is in this band called Wolf Parade, and he has another band that he calls Sunset Rubdown. Before he was in this band called Wolf Parade, he was in this band called Frog Eyes, who has this other guy in it who is also good buddies with this other guy who is in this other band called Destroyer. Got it? See, these dudes decided that it was time to do something different than stand around the pool table together, and they created this other band called Swan Lake.

The trio, who have a strange obsession with ballet, are going to call their little collection of songs Beast Moans, after the scene in that one ballet where that guy comes after that woman with this dance move, then this other guy comes out, dances a little jig, and saves the woman so they can dance away into the sunset together. The 13-song album will be released on November 21 by the world's biggest ballet-focused record label, Jagjaguwar, who was named after an extra from The Nutcracker. (I think; I dunno, you may have to research that one.)

Beast Moans:

1. Widow's Walk
2. Nubile Days
3. City Calls
4. A Venue Called Rubella
5. All Fires
6. The Partisan But He's Got To Know
7. The Freedom
8. Petersburg, Liberty Theater, 1914
9. The Pollenated Girls
10. Bluebird
11. Pleasure Vessels
12. Are You Swimming in Her Pools?
13. Shooting Rockets

Of course, if this doesn't make any sense to you, you could always read more about it over at Jagjaguwar's official site. I don't know why you'd want to though, considering how good we are. Go, Baltimore, go!

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