The Second Coming of Jarvis Cocker: Immaculate Conception on the Rise

And when he should return across the pond, all will be aware of his presence. Housewives shall shirk all duties in favor tawdry sexual affairs with tall boys in glasses. The working class shall revolt against the voyeuristic upper class. The lanky shall triumph over the muscular. The evils of matching furniture sets will be exposed. More books shall be read. Skeletons will rise and terrorize the Wild West. The common man is forewarned that the fat children will take to the streets, going on violent rampages of theft and mastication.

Jarvis will be released in America on April 3; a brief American tour will follow. Repent, ye sinners! Or perhaps those who have not yet sinned enough.

Arctic Monkeys Release New Record, Forget To Change Ridiculous Band Name

Oh, them wacky Sheffeild boys are at it again, making music and wooing girls all over the world with their dashing good looks. Yep, that's right, kids, Arctic Monkeys are the coolest thing from the North Pole to hit the internet since Club Penguin. It seems that being named the Best British Band by the NME has gone to the band's head, as now they have opted to release a new record on their uber-hip label, Domino.

The new album, Favourite Worst Nightmare, is set to be UNLEASHED upon the world (oh, okay, on North America) April 23. The disc will be preceded by a single, "Brianstorm" (not sure if that's as clever as I think it's supposed to be), on April 17. If I could come up with something clever to say about that, I would. However, I can't, so here's the fancy-dancy tracklisting thing which really means nothing until you've heard the songs anyway:

The Fate of Sony BMG Merger to be Decided by March 1

The European Union recently announced that it expects to re-examine the Sony BMG merger and make a decision regarding its legality by March 1. Thanks to the independent, non-profit trade association Impala, a European court last year controversially threw into question the validity of the 2004 Sony BMG merger after Impala lobbied the EU. And now, because of Impala's efforts, either Sony BMG will either continue as a merged company (boo) or a potential four-month long probe will be launched, with a possible merger break-up.

"We have been contributing to the Commission’s investigation and will continue to do so, to ensure that the problems identified by the court are properly resolved," said Impala and Beggars Group Chairman Martin Mills in a statement. "This is essential for artists and music fans alike."

Of course, parent companies Sony Corp. and Bertlesmann don't want to upset their stockholders by waiting passively with their thumbs wiggling oh-so-gently up their mothers' smellholes, so they reworded and resubmitted their merger application to European Union regulators, with a slight spray of Jacques Polge's Coco Mademoiselle perfume for good measure. And despite any indifferent aloofness you might detect from the other majors, you can bet your sweet, sexy hips that they're very much concerned with the verdict.

Everybody Have Fun Tonight…Everybody Sea and Cake Tonight…

1993 saw the World Trade Center bombing, the super-sad killing of toddler James Bulger by two 10-year-old boys in Liverpool, England, a massive blizzard which paralyzed parts of the eastern U.S., the deaths of GG Allin and André the Giant, and of River Phoenix and his possible supplier (in a roundabout way), Pablo Escobar, the bizarre 51-day stand-off/raid at a Branch Davidian compound in Waco, TX, the even more bizarre Lorena and John Wayne Bobbitt partial penis fiasco and its influence on a generation of stand-up comedians and rappers, and too many unfortunate natural disasters and senseless massacres to mention.

There were loads of less-shocking events too: the first time Martin Luther King Jr. Day, in some name or form, was observed in every state in the United States. The "Velvet Divorce" between the Czech Republic and Slovakia finally happened, as did the "Velour Divorce" between Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz. The first Ultimate Fighting Championship introduced us to the real "beautiful sport." Man, sorry to backtrack but can you believe Bonet and Kravitz are no longer together? That truly is catastrophic. I'm still in mourning. They had an unbreakable bond, with a passion and a love that was timeless, haunting and beautiful, like, a thousand storybook romances in one. Sigh... 1993 also saw the first blush of Beck's recording career. And Bush's (the band). The Fresh Prince still recorded music, as his "Boom! Shake the Room" told the story of a young man and his struggle to shake the room with his boom-boom. America caught the "Cyrus virus" and the Spin Doctors gave frat boys the chance to soundtrack their GHB-fueled gang-bang keggers with the sound of pockets full of kryptonite. Ah, them be simpler times.

Alright, I'll give the nonsense a break for once (I can't believe I just quickly glossed over the serious and catastrophic events above in favor of pop-culturing the shit out of this story like mentioning the Bonet/Kravitz divorce, twice!). Nah, for many of our lovely, loyal readers, 1993 marks the year gods Erik Claridge, John McEntire, Sam Prekop, and Archer Prewitt came together to form their "side-project" The Sea and Cake. Separately, all four members keep busy enough to make Van Gogh seem about as productive as 'Dude' from The Big Lebowski, but together, as The Sea and Cake, they have made us wait for new material longer than we would normally consider acceptable. We may be a trifle too eager, but since 2003, we have had to make do with repeated listens to the group's six wonderfully blissful indie-rock albums while surfing their website in hopes of updates other than reports of a "new kelly-green tee" and a forum that has forever been "coming soon." That just ain't frequent enough for us Ritalin kids! After a year or two's worth of new record whispers and rumors, we can confirm that the seventh Sea and Cake album will be out May 8, contains 10 Brian Paulson-produced songs, is being put out by Thrill Jockey, and is called Chinese Democ, um, Everybody. Make 2007 a year to remember because of The Sea and Cake. And only because of The Sea and Cake.

Hold Steady Tour for Boys and Girls in Ireland, Scotland, France, the Netherlands, England, etc., and Oh Yeah, America

The price of fame for The Hold Steady took the form of a hipper-than-thou crowd in Brooklyn a couple of weeks ago, a crowd appalled at the possibility of beer soiling their immaculate Urban Outfitters threads, but not too proud to sip Pabst Blue Ribbon out of the can. Explain that one to me. Anyway, as my companions and I received dirty looks for screaming along to "Massive Nights" after a beer or five, the truth dawned on me. The $100 tickets on Craigslist suddenly made sense. Well, wouldn't you know it folks, people read music magazines! Especially One That Shall Not Be Named and decide that they just MUST check out this band, even if they hate beer and ecstatic drunken crowds and the boozy resurrection of classic rock. Oh, wait. I just described a Hold Steady show. Please go away and daintily sip your $5 beer where the word "daintily" is actually part of the territory. Thank you.

Love 'em or hate 'em, 2006 was a Hold Steady kinda year, as they showed up on a ton of best-of lists and landed their mugs on Letterman. In a few weeks, they'll be bringing the killer party across the pond and converting European crowds with a single power chord. Sweet.

Back in time for Spring Break 2k7, y'all!:

Chuck Norris Talks With Iraqi-American Rapper While Filling in for Sean Hannity on Fox News, and I’m Officially Through With Making Joke Headlines For Tiny Mix Tapes

There really isn't much that I can say about President Bush's favorite actor Sir Chuck Norris that hasn't been said already. I'm not the kind of person that gets their laughs from an absurd Chuck Norris fact generator. "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever." That was funny before my mom had cancer. It's that kind of in-your-face Norris-fever political agenda that has been going too far lately.

Now, I am the kind of person who likes to get a good chuckle or two from watching Fox News. It took me at least more than 15 minutes to realize that it was in fact Chuck Norris that was taking the place of Sean Hannity on the scrotum rockin' hit program Hannity & Colmes. Hannity and Colmes has always been my favorite duo since Hitler and Himmler, so I was shocked to see the well-groomed, faux-karate master corresponding as a talking head.

During this gig, Norris got a chance to talk to Iraqi-American rapper TIMZ, who was also promoting his anti-war single "Iraq" that is on the album Open For Business. You can watch the interview here (but you probably would rather watch this).

TIMZ admits that he feels Iraq was safer with Saddam's reign of terror than with Bush's reign of terror. Oops! Wrong answer TIMZ! Because the best conservative refute that Norris can deliver is his famous blank gaze into the soul of "human beings." This wasn't exactly good publicity for TIMZ. Let's face it. I'm onto Norris' pranks. I think he even drop-kicked that jello puss Colmes into Greta Van Susteren's face. Ironically, Greta can now move her fucking mouth up and down like a normal person.

Mr. Norris, you're not funny. There is no such thing as 50 years of fame for you, so please stop making cameos in movies like Dodgeball, and please stop talking about religion and politics. You are not a comedian Chuck, and you're ruining the credibility of Fox News. Also you are no comedian either, Dane Cook. And I'll admit that I am no comedian either, but I'll let you know who a real comedian was -- SADDAM!

Why Saddam Was Way Funnier Than Dane Cook (And Even Chuck Norris)

By TMT heartthrob Emceegreg

I mean, Saddam had some funnier jokes when it came down to it. I'd go to Saddam when I wanted to hear a good priest 'n' rabbi-walk-into-a-bar joke, but if I ever wanted to hear someone go on and on about how much they like eating at Burger King...well then I could just go to fucking Burger King. I don't need your shit anymore Dane Cook. You remind me of that spastic ugly half-jock from high school who was deemed as popular just because he is outgoing and off-the-wall. You people are fucking idiots. Now Saddam! That shit was off the wall. Saddam didn't run around making fucking sound effects or screaming from his taint. He had a little more fucking class than that man. Sometimes Saddam's humor would be a mixture of Bill Hicks and Carrot Top, but it worked when he would channel Sam Kinison at his best. It was pure comedic genius, folks. Get off you goddamn lazy ass, put down your fucking BK quadruple stacker, turn off that fucking awful "Tourgasm" shit, and go rent a good fucking Saddam stand-up. Hell, Saddam was also awesome in many early '90s comedies like Weekend at Bernies 2 and Hot Shots: Part Deux. I recommend getting you life together by realizing a true comedian when he is hanging right in front of your face. Team Saddam FTW!