A few days ago, I was walking back from Taco Bell to my job when a bum on a rusty green bench stopped me to panhandle for some change. I was weary, as I recognized that the rotten-toothed, Yanni-mulleted man was the same homeless drifter who people were gossiping about recently. Next to the man slouched a repressive slack-jawed yokel, who I was told was his brother from California. "We're sleeping out of a bag!" he exclaimed. I automatically processed the bullshit, and the absurdity of the story had my hand swimming for my handgun through the pocket of my trendy man-purse.
"You seem like a nice guy," said the mullet man.
"Oh, I'm not a nice guy," I quipped back like a badass out of hell.
We both knew where this was going, and out of my realization of never actually owning a handgun, I just scooped up some scrap nickels and dimes for the offering. The man said thanks and then looked at my bag of Taco Bell.
"That Taco Bell smells mighty good," said the vagrant of hairstyles.
"Uh, yeah. I'm going to go now." I started to walk off, but he grabbed my leg.
"Where do you think you're goin' boy?" the slack-jaw mumbled, nearly inaudible.
The man looked at me with coked-up, Whitney Houston-like eyes and muttered strangely, "Iggy Pop!"
FREEZEFRAME!! (This is a new segment in Emceegreg articles where we inadvertently pause from a personal story to go to the actual news story.)
Iggy Pop needs to be the next Secretary of Defense. Hell, he should at least run with Obama or do something. Nobody would give him shit, and the presidential debates would be redefined and shirtless. Seriously, you don't need a platform when you are fucking Iggy Pop. I guess this may all be a dream, but it could be possible in the future. For now, we'll just have to settle with Pop voicing Donald Rumsfeld, ex-Secretary of Defense, as an infant in the new Muppet Babies-esque animated series Lil' Bush, premiering June 13 on Comedy Central. Is this going to be a good show? It doesn't really matter as long as Comedy Central isn't playing any Blue Collar Comedy crap for two seconds; plus, the show already has other confirmed musical guests doing voices, including Frank Black, Jeff Tweedy and Dave Grohl.
Fresh off the reunited Stooges fame and the release of The Weirdness, not to mention the even weirder weirdness of Elijah Wood portraying Pop in an upcoming film, there's really no glass ceiling to hold down the rocker. We already know that Pop is no stranger to kick-ass television, as he played Nona's dad, James Rebhorn, on The Adventures of Pete & Pete. And in case you think it's a stretch for Pop to voice Rumfeld, let us not forget just how alike the two really are. While attending Princeton University, Rumsfeld played running back for the Lightweight Football team, and it's very possible that during this time, Pop saw Rumsfeld's first football game while growing up in Michigan.
UNFREEZEFRAME!! (See how I have left you hanging and made it easier for you to read a fairly large block of text?)
Did he just say "Iggy Pop"?? I repeated what I thought he was saying -- "Iggy Pop, Iggy Pop, Iggy Pop..." -- with a blank expression. What the hell was he talking about?
Suddenly, the mullet man handed me what appeared to be an empty, white styrofoam cup. "Icky cup," he said more clearly.
"Icky cup" Oh, I see now. Wait, what does icky cup mean?? I peered over into the cup as the man loosened his grip on my sexy leg. Inside the cup, there appeared to be a white, creamy substance, made fresh from the back alley only 20-minutes prior. I rushed back to my work with my Taco Bell. In an otherwise uneventful day, I was nearly manhandled and panhandled by two complete strangers.