Since the dawn of marketing, collective groups of people have relied on their own tactics to lure potential buyers into making the right decision. Rock has the drug overdose, Country has sweet sibling love, Emo has retards in stupid clothes, and Hip Hop has the feud. Pioneered by the likes of the Juice Crew and Boogie Down, Biggie and Tupac, and fuck...those emo kids really do piss me off. Hold on...man, you know what would be good right now? Some hamburger helper. Shit was just advertised on TV, using this really hot mom in one those tight little sweater vests. I barely even noticed what they were selling until they showed a close up of the finished product. Now lemme tell you, I've made Hamburger Helper, but it never turned out that good. I mean never. Some of it always sticks to the bottom of the pan, but wait...I got rid of that shitty pan, and I've got a new one that sticks to nothing. So maybe it was that awful 4.99 Ikea frying pan that was ruining my Helper. I should write a letter to Ikea. Tell them about these crazy hip-hop feuds that have been happening.
You know, Jay-Z vs LL Cool J(from UPN's In The House), Saigon vs Mobb Deep, and Kanye vs 50 cent. Conveniently all these dudes have newly released albums, and they all sport persona's that would benefit from the 'cred' this type of feud would generate. The conflict has even escalated to violence between Saigon and a member of Mobb Deep, with two punches being thrown at a recent show. Can you imagine this happening in any other genre? What about with those emo cretins? Instead of clever word play or actual violence, they'd see who can apply eye liner faster, or who can put on the tightest pants, and then culminate each feud in an riotous display of sissy slapping and crying.
I think noise feuds would be the most interesting, probably kick it off by mimicking the other artist's knob twiddling style, then mock them with an exaggerated mime laugh before finally pummeling the audience with a really harsh tone. The other artist would counter with an equivalent to the brown note, except it actually works, causing everyone to shit themselves. For bonus points, the music would be silenced and the sound of a room full of people shitting their pants would be recorded by the artist responsible, and would be used as a sample on a new track entitled 'Kanye raps over the shittiest tone ever while I slurp noodles into a mic.' They'd press it on the most expensive vinyl possible, and make limited edition buyers perform a round-the-world scavenger hunt ala the Amazing Race to find their copy. Hilariously, the hunt would lead to a local record store where the clerk reveals the edition was limited to one copy, which was unceremoniously destroyed in the alley, but the pieces are on sale for 7.99.
Fart.
