Shugo Tokumaru to Take Concept of "European Tour" to NEXT LEVEL
Everyone's favorite European history buff will be returning this fall with a European tour. How perfect, right? Shugo Tokumaru will retrace Napoleon Bonaparte's exact steps across the continent, complete with bloody military defeat at Waterloo and exile on the isle of Elba when the tour is over. Furthermore, Shugo will be wearing 19th-century French military uniforms for every show, crossing treacherous terrain from gig to gig on a white horse. To top it all off, he is having reconstructive surgery to shorten himself to 5'2", the rumored height of the French king. Best of luck Shugo, and stay the hell away from Russia!
THIS JUST IN: The surgery, I'm afraid, has gone terribly, terribly wrong. Instead of Napoleon Bonaparte, the surgeon made him look exactly like... oh, Jesus Christ.... Napoleon Dynamite. No worries, this could be fun. Haha, hey Shugo, I caught you a delicious bass... oh, too soon? That was insensitive, and I apologize.
Well, whichever Napoleon he looks like, I'm sure his expansive pop — especially the stuff he plays from his last album, L.S.T. — will still be top notch:
10.19.06 - Tarragona, Spain - Scumm
10.20.06 - Castellon, Spain - Teatre Conino Gurillo
10.21.06 - Barcelona, Spain - Niu
10.24.06 - Evreux, France - L'abordage
10.25.06 - St. Brieuc, France - La Passerelle
10.26.06 - Boulognes Billancourt, France - Festival BBMiX
10.27.06 - Dijon, France - Festival Novosonic
10.28.06 - Nantes, France - Le Lieu Unique
10.29.06 - Bordeaux, France - L'INCA
11.01.06 - Malmo, Sweden - Inkonst
11.02.06 - Stockholm, Sweden - Debaser
11.03.06 - Gothenborg, Sweden - Pustervik
11.04.06 - Copenhagen, Denmark - Rust
11.07.06 - Paris, France - Studio de l'hermitage
Wooden Wand, Don't Hurt 'Em (There, I Told You I Could Write the Most Irrational Title for a Wooden Wand News Story Ever)
Sometimes speculation is all we have. For example, we know little about the man known as Wooden Wand. We do know that he releases just about everything he puts on tape under a bunch of shifting stage names with a load of helping henchmen and women. We can listen to his songs that head trip a variety of philosophical and political persuasions and straddle traditional and non-so-traditional sounds. But the rest of the story is lost in obscurely pieced-together background bios full of strange road stories and faux-mysticism. What do we really know about the prolific and reflective Wooden Wand? Does he put his pants on just like the rest of us? Does he believe in pants? Does he strictly wear low-rise jodhpurs or chaps? We need our hard facts!
Now, I normally wouldn't merely reprint press release info, but parts of a recent WW fac-sheet outlining "10 Misconceptions and Things You Didn't Know About Wooden Wand" bare repeating (and it fleshes out my bone-thin news story, right eds?). Among the revelations are the facts that he prefers Tennessee to New York, Steely Dan to Pink Floyd, and tequila to bourbon (at least at this point in his life). There are also the following:
07. He is an avid gun enthusiast, and and is a life member of both the National Rifle Association and Gun Owners of America.*Figuring out what makes our boy Wooden Wand tick is tougher than a 20x20x20 Rubik's Cube. Listening is only a little less taxing, but it's a whole lot more fun. One can only imagine what a live Wooden Wand show would be like; I won't have the pleasure because the bastard isn't playing anywhere near me! So unless I finally book that long-overdue fantasy trip to Eugene, Oregon, I will have to rely on word of mouth reports which will probably muddy the Wooden Wand myth even more. The tour includes some shows with Skygreen Leopards, many with Wand's wife (the "Voice" of The Vanishing Voice, Satya Sai), and a number with recent collaborators the Sky High Band (featuring members of both Skygreen Leopards and The Vanishing Voice, and Davenport). Now is the time to sing ye, from the wilds, from the hillsides, and from your heart because the tour has already started! And if I had sent this story in last week like I was supposed to, you could have gone to those first few dates crossed off below.
04. His extended family includes late actor Vincent Gardenia, Chicago Cubs general manager (and former Met) Ed Lynch, "Desperate Housewives"' Andrea Bowen, and Type-O Negative's Peter Steele.**
01. Scott Ian of Anthrax once lectured a 12-year-old Wand that he was "too young to be smoking joints." He was right (They totally got high together anyway).**** Stop...you had us at "avid gun enthusiast."
** Oh yeah, yet another case of a relative to Tinseltown, television and Triple-A baseball royalty trying his hand at music (sorry Cubs fans, I couldn't resist... let's go Dodgers, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap...war-ning track po-wer, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap!!!).
*** The same thing happened to me, but it was "generic guitarist" from Canadian 8Ts metal band Exciter, and it was huffing solvent (we totally got brain damaged together anyway, but just a little).
10.01.06 - New York, NY - Glassland Gallery *
10.02.06 - Cleveland, OH - The Church *
10.03.06 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle *
10.04.06 - Des Moines, IA - Vaudeville Mews *
10.05.06 - Denver, CO - Hi-Dive *
10.06.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - The Broken Record *
10.12.06 - Oakland, CA - 21Grand
10.13.06 - Sacramento, CA - Fools Foundation #$
10.14.06 - Davis, CA - Delta of Venus #$
10.15.06 - San Francisco, CA - Hemlock Tavern #$
10.16.06 - Eugene, OR - Cozmic Pizza #$
10.17.06 - Portland, OR - Someday Lounge #$
10.18.06 - Olympia, WA - 1320 5th Ave SW (early show)
10.18.06 - Seattle, WA - Gallery 1412 #$
10.19.06 - Nevada City, NV - National Hotel
10.20.06 - Big Sur, CA - Fernwood Lodge #$
10.21.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Palace Theatre %
10.22.06 - Phoenix, AZ - Modified Arts ^
10.23.06 - Albuquerque, NM - Atomic Cantina
10.25.06 - Austin, TX - Red's Scoot Inn ^
10.26.06 - Houston, TX - The Proletariat ^
10.27.06 - New Orleans, LA - Eldon's Place
10.28.06 - Nashville, TN - Ruby Green
10.29.06 - Knoxville, TN - The Pilot Light ^
10.30.06 - Chapel Hill, NC - Night Light ^
10.31.06 - Washington, DC - Rock and Roll Hotel ^
11.01.06 - Baltimore, MD - Golden West ^
11.02.06 - Philadelphia, PA - TriTone ^
11.03.06 - New York, NY - Mo Pitkins (CMJ Fanatic Promotion Acoustic Afternoon)
11.04.06 - Brooklyn, NY - Uncle Paulie's (Free Agency Showcase)
11.08.06 - New York, NY - Knitting Factory *
11.09.06 - Purchase, NY - Purchase College *
11.10.06 - Harrisonburg, VA - James Madision University *
11.11.06 - Roanoke, VA - Static house
12.10.06 - Somerset, England - ATP The Nightmare Before Christmas
* w/ Satya Sai
# West Coast Revue (featuring members of Sky High Band, the Vanishing Voice, and Skygreen Leopards
$ w/ Skygreen Leopards
% solo show at Arthur Nights
^ w/ Sky High Band
RIAA Forced To Drink Coke With LimeWire, Told To Like It
LimeWire, the popular peer-to-peer network, recently filed an antitrust lawsuit against the massively unpopular RIAA. Did that just raise your eyebrows? No? Well, read the text from LimeWire's counterclaim:
goal was simple: to destroy any online music distribution service they did not own or control, or force such services to do business with them on exclusive and/or other anticompetitive terms so as to limit and ultimately control the distribution and pricing of digital music, all to the detriment of consumers. (Counterclaim, paragraph 26, page 18)... This case is but one part of a much larger modern conspiracy to destroy all innovation that content owners cannot control and that disrupts their historical business models.(Counterclaim, paragraph 28, page 18)The case is Arista v. LimeWire, by the way, and this is a countersuit to the ongoing copyright infringement and blah blah blah. LimeWire, whether you agree with what they do or not, makes an argument against the RIAA that is too accurate to deny. Go LimeWire, stick it to suits! But wait, why do they bother? Why are they going to the trouble of filing an antitrust lawsuit over the RIAA, the Dr. Claw of the music world? Do they feel an honest and civic duty to stand up for the rights of consumers and keep the labels in check? Hmm... let it fester.
The RIAA alleges that LimeWire is profiting from illegal downloading. Would that be motive for trying to keep the shop open? Did LimeWire's head honchos kill their wives in order to cash in on the life insurance? I don't know. If its motives are less than wholesome, I'm going to stick with the devil I know. LimeWire is doing us all a favor by elucidating an argument that needs to be discussed. Technology is angering the curmudgeon that is the RIAA because it does "disrupt their historical business models."
Oh xenophobic RIAA, you're adorable, like an old grandfather yelling racial slurs because that's how it always was. Times have changed, and while you embrace the money of the iPod and the MP3, you better accept the consequences that come with it. Maybe the RIAA will make a good point, but wait, no, I think their lawsuits against old women and the deceased speak for themselves.
Jeepers! Matador Releases (Gosh and Golly!) Expanded Wowee Zowee! Shucky Darn!
Since David Berman’s been all kinds of awesome with the Silver Jews lately, you gotta wonder what the fuck Stephen Malkmus is doing. Staring at a wall? Wondering if he’s to blame for boys in girls’ pants? Sometimes an indie rock icon gets depressed.
Enter Matador Records, accompanied by various trumpets and patchy facial hair... issuing a proclamation from an unnecessarily long piece of parchment: On November 6, there shalt be a third installment in the biannual Pavement deluxe reissue series. I dub thee, sir: Wowee Zowee: Sordid Sentinels Edition!
Of course, this “series” can only last as long as the Pavement catalog... and Matador still lists ’em on the “Active Roster”... !!! Wink, nudge?
Either way, loyal minions shall be graced with a buttload of liner notes, live tracks, outtakes, etceteree, etcetera. Oh, we ain’t kidding.
Tracklist... check it.
Disc 1:
1. We Dance
2. Rattled By The Rush
3. Black Out
4. Brinx Job
5. Grounded
6. Serpentine Pad
7. Motion Suggests Itself
8. Father To A Sister Of Thought
9. Extradition
10. Best Friend's Arm
11. Grave Architecture
12. AT & T
13. Flux = Rad
14. Fight This Generation
15. Kennel District
16. Pueblo
17. Half A Canyon
18. Western Homes
19. Sordid [previously unreleased Wowee Zowee session outtake]
20. Brink Of The Clouds [Rattled By La Rush b-side]
21. False Skorpion [Rattled By La Rush b-side]
22. Easily Fooled [Rattled By La Rush b-side]
23. Kris Kraft [Father To A Sister Of Thought b-side]
24. Mussle Rock [Father To A Sister Of Thought b-side]
25. Give It A Day [Pacific Trim EP]
26. Gangsters & Pranksters [Pacific Trim EP]
27. Saganaw [Pacific Trim EP]
28. I Love Perth [Pacific Trim EP]
29. Sentinel [previously unreleased Wowee Zowee session outtake]
Disc 2:
1. Sensitive Euro Man [I Shot Andy Warhol soundtrack]
2. Stray Fire [previously unreleased Wowee Zowee session outtake]
3. Fight This Generation [recorded March 3, 1994 at Hilversum, Holland]
4. Easily Fooled [recorded March 3, 1994 at Hilversum, Holland]
5. Soul Food [Wowee Zowee jam session w/Doug Easley on piano]
6. It's A Hectic World [from Homage To Descendents tribute album]
7. Kris Kraft [BBC in-studio; Steve Lamacq Evening Session, March 15, 1995]
8. Golden Boys/Serpentine Pad [BBC in-studio; Steve Lamacq Evening Session, March 15, 1995]
9. Painted Soldiers [BBC in-studio; Steve Lamacq Evening Session, March 15, 1995]
10. I Love Perth [BBC in-studio; Steve Lamacq Evening Session, March 15, 1995]
11. Dancing With The Elders [from Medusa Cyclone/Pavement split 7"]
12. Half A Canyon [live; Wireless JJJ Radio, Australia, July 7, 1994]
13. Best Friend's Arm [live; Wireless JJJ Radio, Australia, July 7, 1994]
14. Brink Of The Clouds/Candylad [live; Wireless JJJ Radio, Australia, July 7, 1994]
15. Unfair [live; Wireless JJJ Radio, Australia, July 7, 1994]
16. Eaily Fooled [live; Wireless JJJ Radio, Australia, July 7, 1994]
17. Heaven Is A Truck [live; Wireless JJJ Radio, Australia, July 7, 1994]
18. Box Elder [live; Wireless JJJ Radio, Australia, July 7, 1994]
19. No More Kings [from Schoolhouse Rock! Rocks comp]
20. Painted Soldiers [from Kids In The Hall In Brain Candy soundtrack]
21. We Dance (alternate mix) [previously unreleased Wowee Zowee session outtake]
Pernice Brothers Return This Week, Outline Brief Tour of States
With full facial hair, Joe Pernice looks alot like Walt Whitman, or Santa Claus. The first example is a fitting tribute considering that Pernice has become one of the more respected elder statesman of singer/songwriter fare. We may all still be waiting impatiently for the next Chappaquiddick Skyline LP, but Pernice is apparently happier recording and releasing Pernice Brothers records, and God bless him for it.
The band released Live A Little (Ashmont) this week, and it's another stellar offer by a band that has yet to mistep, going all the way back to 1998's delightful Overcome By Happiness (Sub Pop). Those lucky enough to pre-order the CD directly from Joe (Ashmont Records) were treated to an extra bonus disc loaded with demos and outtakes, or as referred to at the band's HQ, "the bonus/demo outtakes thingie." The CD boasted songs Pernice recorded at home and later re-worked or "edited the living shit out of."
The Brothers Pernice have a short tour planned to coincide with the LP's release, set to begin November 7.
Where Would I Be If I Was A Screwdriver?:
11.07.06 - Detroit, MI - Lager House *
11.09.06 - Chicago, IL - Schubas *
11.10.06 - Madison, WI - High Noon Saloon *
11.16.06 - Seattle, WA - Tractor Tavern *
11.17.06 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge *
11.21.06 - San Francisco, CA - Cafe du Nord *
11.22.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Spaceland *
12.06.06 - Washington, DC - Black Cat *
* w/ Elvis Perkins
Live A Little tracklist:
1. Automaton
2. Somerville
3. Cruelty To Animals
4. Zero Refills
5. Microscopic View
6. How Can I Compare
7. B.S. Johnson
8. PCH One
9. Conscience Clean (I Went To Spain)
10. Lightheaded
11. High As A Kite
12. Grudge Fuck
Bill Nguyen Consults With Super Friends at the Hall of Justice, Saves WOXY
WOXY has all kinds of good karma. It must be in the radio waves. Oh wait, I mean, the internet tubes. Or whatever. As you may remember, just two years ago, the Cincinnati-based station ceased its broadcast on the FM dial. A couple of anonymous investors stepped up to the plate in the 12th hour to launch what would become a popular online station. Well, just last month, it looked like WOXY would finally come to an end due to a lack of revenue. But days later, once again, there was a glimmer of hope — entrepreneur Bill Nguyen posted a message on the heavily trafficked WOXY message board about his desire to "save the station." While it was originally believed to be a cruel tease, within days, Nguyen was in Cincinnati where he met with WOXY staff members, anonymous investers, and many of the station's listeners.
According to the Cincinnati Enquirer, Nguyen's plan is to not only invest $5 to 10 million into WOXY in order to keep the station's headquarters in Cincinnati, but also to set up studios in San Francisco and other cities for live performances. Additionally, Nguyen intends to improve the quality of the broadcast and make it free for all listeners once again. He wants to give full editorial control to the station's DJs, as well as give listeners the chance to create their own radio shows that they can share with other listeners.
"What we want to do is give radio back to the listeners," The Cincinnati Enquirer quoted Nguyen.
If Nguyen's name sounds familiar, it should. He is behind LaLa.com, a fledgling online cd-trading service. The user-friendly service allows members to list CDs they have and CDs they want. Each CD sent to you off your "want list" costs you $1.75. Simple enough, eh? The site also recently launched a music store, which WOXY listeners will have access to, as well.
Witnesses of Nguyen's visit to Cincinnati remarked that he wore blue tights and a red cape. They figured it was probably best to just keep quiet about it, though. Afterall, he had no super powers. Just keen business sense and the bank to make things happen. Kinda like Batman.
My Morning Jacket Suitable For Fall Tour, Bring Scarf Just In Case
From The RCA Marketing Department:
Re: Brainstorm promo ideas for My Morning Jacket's just released double-disc live CD, Okonokos and forthcoming DVD, Okonokos, out October 31. (We must remember that these are two separate products).
- Put every CD (except MMJ) in wrong place at your local Big Box store
- Profile in Facial vs. Head Hair Magazine
- Fly a bunch of bloggers out to wine & dine them, then let them experience MMJ live in hi-tech theatre (the Zune effect)
- Get band own reality/prank show, titled MM Jack't
- Pizza party
- Give away free reverb with every purchase
- Make sure articles written about band contain sub-Cracked style jokes
- Fall Tour:
10.23.06 - San Francisco, CA - Palace of Fine Arts (Jim James solo) %
10.24.06 - San Francisco, CA - Palace of Fine Arts (Jim James solo) %
10.27.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Wilshire Ebell Theater (Jim James solo) %
10.28.06 - Santa Barbara, CA - Arlington Theater (Jim James solo) %
10.29.06 - Las Vegas, NV - Vegoose (Jim James solo) %
11.09.06 - Charleston, SC - The Plex *
11.10.06 - Knoxville, TN - Tennessee Theater *
11.12.06 - Atlanta, GA - The Tabernacle *
11.13.06 - Nashville, TN - Ryman Auditorium *
11.15.06 - New Orleans, LA - House Of Blues *
11.16.06 - Dallas, TX - Gypsy Tea Room *
11.17.06 - Dallas, TX - Gypsy Tea Room *
11.18.06 - Austin, TX - Stubb’s *
11.20.06 - St. Louis, MO - The Pageant *
11.21.06 - Milwaukee, WI - The Riverside *
11.22.06 - Louisville, KY - Louisville Gardens #
11.24.06 - Chicago, IL - Riviera Theater #
11.25.06 - Indianapolis, IN - Clowes Hall #
11.27.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club #
11.28.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club #
11.30.06 - New York, NY - Roseland Ballroom #
12.01.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Electric Factory #
12.02.06 - Boston, MA - Avalon Ballroom #
% w/ John Prine
* w/ Wax Fang
# w/ The Slip
Popfest! New England 2006 Totally Ripping Off Panic! At The Disco
Once, when I was a little child, I used to have terrible obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I couldn't wear any shirts with tags, I had to have long socks and have them pulled all the way up at all times, I wouldn't eat any types of cheese until I became a teenager, and I constantly winked one eye. The eye-winking twitch presented a unique problem.
I was really just a superficially confident, yet inwardly insecure high school student who loved talking to people, especially girls. But because of my twitch, any girl I tried talking to would immediately stop talking to me because they'd assume that I only wanted to get in their pants. I tried explaining, "It's not my fault, I swear! I have this tic where I have to wink one eye so that it catches up and feels like it is equal in amount of blinks with the other eye because I'm obsessive-compulsive!" But no one would listen. It was somewhat pitiful, actually. (It's not like I'm self-pitying or anything.) I only wanted to have lots of friends and just as many girls-who-are-friends. I didn't want to get into a relationship or anything because truthfully, the idea of a relationship with an attractive female is superior to the reality of said relationship. But girls didn't understand. They would try to fit me into their stereotype of what a horny teenage male was like. They assumed I wanted to use them to get off, but I was a sensitive boy with emotional needs. They didn't understand that simply romanticizing what an intimate relationship would be like was enough for me. Also, masturbating — preferably while imagining this emotionally complex, cherished, and hopelessly romantic connection with the girls who wouldn't be my friends.
In other news, Popfest! New England 2006 is taking place this year from Friday, October 6 to Sunday, October 8 in Northampton, MA. All shows are taking place at The Elevens, sadly a 21+ venue that won't let all you other hopelessly romantic teenage masturbators in the door. A one-day pass will cost you $10, while a three-day pass will cost, surprisingly, $30. Wow. A total of 26 cutesy, loving twee, cuddlecore, dancelove, artkiss, pre-fuck, post-relationship bands will help you get over your dating woes and social awkwardness in a weekend of pure joy.
LINE-UP!:
Friday, October 6:
Ponies in the Surf
Beauty Sleep
Palomar
Spouse
My Teenage Stride
The Icicles
The Butterflies of Love
Saturday, October 7:
The L'il Hospital
School for the Dead
The Antiques
The Besties
The Smittens
Locas in Love
Dyrdin
Human Television
Sunday, October 8 (4 PM Afternoon Show):
The Sawtelles
Polar Bear Parade
Panda Riot
Surefire Broadcast
Sunday, October 8 (Evening Show):
Hands and Knees
The Specific Heats
The Brother Kite
Bunnygrunt
Math and Physics Club
The Snow Fairies
Secret Shine
Flaming Lips Re-Release At War With the Mystics With a Bonus DVD; Don't They Know They're Killing Music By Adding Images? What's Next, Concerts With Movie Screens?
I know I’ve got my work cut out for me if I’m gonna defend this year's Flaming Lips album, At War With the Mystics [TMT Review] in any way, shape, or form, but hey, I’m a wild and crazy girl! I got in a few tangles over this disc, but I stand my ground: “Vein of Stars” is a silvery little piece of heaven and when these jams aren’t making me do a little Steve Zissou dance, they’re knocking me flat with their spaced-out beauty. Hey! Stop saying how much it sucks! Every time you state your case, the more I'll punch you in the face!
So, here’s the part where you make pretty and sit nervously in your pink bedroom. Yes sir, the Lips are puckering up, politely ringing the doorbell, and presenting you with a jacked-up edition of At War With the Mystics. Not only do they hold the door for you, but they slip you sweet outtakes like "Why Does It End?," "You've Got To Hold On," "Your Face Can Tell the Future," "The Gold in the Mountain of Our Madness," "Time Travel?? Yes!!" and a cover of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody." Okay, you’re totally crushin’ by now, but what if they throw in some live radio tracks, like a mashup of Sonic Youth's "Unmade Bed" and Led Zeppelin's "No Quarter”? Oh baby, it’s on.
Throw in a DVD disc of music videos and a clip of Wayne Coyne’s 2006 commencement address for his former high school, and you’ll be out for ice cream sodas in no time. Yes, you’re in love now (as you rightfully should be) and no, you don’t need to thank me. Just send me flowers of gratitude on October 24.
Futureheads Fall Tour Update
Using words from a statement posted on the band's website, I will try to convey a secret message to the masses.1
Tendonitis
On2
United States of America
Rest
Can see3
Apologies
Next given opportunity
Cancel
Enable4
Left wrist
Late stage
Edyh, yarrb5, 6
Development
1. Kind of gimmicky, I know.
2. Man, I am already stretching, and I'm only on the second letter
3. They all can't make sense.
4. Weak!
5. Has Tendonitis and the tour is cancelled.
6. Inverted names, double weak!!
Fall Tour 2006:
10.04.06 - Seattle, WA - Neumos
10.05.06 - Portland, OR - Wonder Ballroom
10.06.06: -Sacramento, CA - Harlow’s Night Club
10.07.06 - San Francisco, CA - Mezzanine
10.09.06 - San Diego - House of Blues
10.11.06 - Los Angeles - Safari Sam’s (Check Yo Ponytail)
10.12.06 - Tempe, AZ - The Clubhouse
10.13.06 - Las Vegas, NV - Beauty Barr
10.14.06 - Tucson, AZ - Rialto Theater
10.17.06 - Tulsa, OK - Bob’s (Cain’s Ballroom)
10.18.06 - Lawrence, KS - The Bottleneck
10.19.06 - St. Louis, MO - Mississippi Nights
10.21.06 - Chicago, IL - Metro
10.22.06 - Cincinnati, OH - 20th Century Theater
10.23.06 - Indianapolis, IN - Birdy’s
10.24.06 - Nashville, TN - Exit/In
10.26.06 - Baltimore, MD - Sonar
10.27.06 - Brooklyn, NY - Warsaw
10.28.06 - Boston, MA - Paradise Rock Club
McDonald's Trials New Media Concept; McRib Cries and McDiarrhea Ensues
It is always like McDonald's to do some hardcore experimenting. I recall the excitement when the first ever "McDiner" opened in our small town of Kokomo, Indiana. Everywhere one would go, they would hear immense gossip like, "Are they really going to have diner food at McDonald's?" You bet your silly ass they did. They had some of the best mashed potatoes I had ever tasted. And you haven't lived my friend until you have had a McSteak or a McLobster. Yeah, we were all putting on the ritz and having the time of our lives until the inevitable occurred. The experiment failed, and all stupid ideas must come to an end eventually.
This brings me to McDonald's current experiment in Schaumburg, Illinois, at its Woodfield Mall location where an in-store media concept is being trialed. Thanks to Akoo, the experiment will allow any poor sap to play his/her music of choice in a designated area of the restaurant using a mobile phone, laptop, WiFi-enabled device, or telepathy. Someone who gets paid way too much to come up with these things is dubbing the concept, m-Venue. The catch is that the customer will be lucky enough to skim through a "vast" selection of on-demand music and video content offered from Sony BMG Music Entertainment, Universal Music Group, and others with the grand opportunity to "pay to play."
Of course, the concept is meant to be like a jukebox of the future. But let's face the fact that some douche will ruin this. And I'm not implying that the concept isn't already a shit-in-the-pants waiting to happen, but maybe it could have been "neato." This further brings me back to my glory hole days — um, glory days — when I went to a little Italian establishment with one lone jukebox. I felt the Holy Ghost spring through my entire body once I noticed the jukebox sign, "$20 for 100 plays." I thought that it had to be some sort of mistake, but it was as if God lowered his hairy right hand from the heavens to hand me a $20 bill and whisper into my ear, Go ahead, Greg. Play "Skat Man" 100 times! And so "Skat Man" became the anthem of the night until the place got robbed later that evening. One lady got shot in the arm. I shit you not. She messed up my order though.
My point, if there is a point to all of this, is that someone will easily play "Sweet Home Alabama" a dozen times and hog the technology just as Fonzie did. John O'Keefe, owner and Mayor McCheese of Shaumburg, claims that since the opening of m-Venue the restaurant's sales have risen 17% compared to sales from last year. So does this mean that e-Venue is a success? With ten multimedia flat-panel screens, one may infer this concept to drive novelty appeal until people stop caring, and then the realization of wasted money occurs. I'm not trying to be biased here. I am just speaking from experience. Another crazy concept would be to have live music at McDonald's. But who would really want to listen to other peoples' crap? I'm just going to stay happy with my Café McDonald's that has a piano that plays by itself. I fucking love that piano.
