Simian Mobile Disco Do The Gorilaz Thing And Hide Their Faces As They Tour; Except They’ve Hired Real Monkeys To Play For Them

Writing really happening dance music is one thing, but getting some prime apes to play your tunes live is another. Everyone knows about those Gorillaz videos with cartoon monkeys, and they were really famous because of them. MTV didn't play those videos non-stop simply because the music was good; they played them because monkeys are fun to watch. James Ellis Ford and James Anthony Shaw have figured out that having monkeys in your band is the secret to success, and now they're taking it one step further.

Scientific evidence reveals that monkeys can already play Nickelback songs and some monkeys can even emulate Chad Kroeger's voice pretty well. So, why can't they be injected with steroids and other vitamins to be able to mix some of the ridiculous beats Simian Mobile Disco are dropping? Well they can, and this Fall they will. Here are some quotes I've been able to dig up on the subject:

"Yeah, we've been experimenting with monkeys, kind of like what the Wicked Witch of the West did in the Wizard of Oz, except we don't want our monkeys to have wings, we want them to have rhythm." -James Ellis Ford

"Most people think it's unethical to do this to the monkeys, but if monkeys are so similar to humans like all those scientists say, then isn't it apparent that their goal in life would be to reach rock stardom?" -James Anthony Shaw

"Our new album focuses on the ethical treatment of monkeys; we believe that we can coexist together in a world full of good music and simian peace." -Chad Kroeger

Obviously the views of "some" people are slightly varied, but James and James seem like caring human beings, and using monkeys to play your set while you sit backstage and pop ex with some groupies isn't really so bad. In fact, it's smart.

See the Simian Mobile Disco monkeys spin some crazy shit at these fine establishments:

Bye Bye Birdie; Pelican Currently On Tour, Proves Instrumental Post-Rock Is Infinitely More Manly Than Fauna-Based Names and Musicals

If you've ever had a day at the seashore ruined by the bloody carnage of a swooping pelican treating itself to an afternoon snack, you know the slaughter these animals leave in their wake. With a mouthful of tattered fish, it becomes clear that this is no Flock of Seagulls. And in a day and age of soft cuddly band names, we need a little bit of ferociousness. Honestly, I mean... Panda Bear!?

Luckily, the band that shares a name with these fearless birds is no different. Leaving a bloodbath in their wake, the audience ripped to shreds from sludgey, bone-crushing post-rock, Pelican is embarking on less of a tour, and more of a quest, playing date after date of their epic rawk in support of their newest full-length, City Of Echoes, out now on Hydra Head Records.

Tracklist:

London’s teeming population of amplifier-hire guys and earplug hawkers are all no doubt rubbing their hands in unrestrained glee over the news that Boris and Sunn 0))) are continuing their apparently never-ending love-in with a full live performance -- I’m sorry, LIVE AKTION with guest VOKILLISTS -- of their Altar elpee (TMT Review) in that filthy city in December. You may not be especially surprised to learn that Earth are going to be there too, providing support. Not spiritual support though; I reckon that only Lucifer himself could provide suitably evil guidance to this particularly blackened triumvirate. The whole thing is being put on by All Tomorrow’s Parties.

In related news, ‘The’ Boris, ‘The’ Sunn O))) and ‘The’ Earth have been added to the lineup for ‘The’ ATP Christmas festival. As previously reported, the ATP knees-up is being curated by former yuppie favorites Portishead, yuppies who now ‘keep it real’ by listening to Amy Winehouse, no doubt. Speaking of which, Portishead themselves are playing their first gig in FOREVER at the festival. I’m sure this will bring out more than a few of the aforementioned young and upwardly mobile individuals for a weekend by the seaside and the chance to smoke a couple of spliffs -- just like they used like to do with Julian and Tristan in ’94 and ’95 -- whilst chilling out to some ultra mellow trip-hop beatz. I’m sure they’re going to be totally wowed by the satisfyingly non-festive bands Portishead have so far chosen to play with them:

Boris

Om

Aphex Twin

Julian Cope

Sparklehorse

Oneida

Black Mountain

Crippled Black Phoenix

Fuzz Against Junk

Seasick Steve

Team Brick

Earth

A Hawk And A Hacksaw

Kling Klang

Ladytron

Thurston Moore

Autolux

Jah Shaka Soundsystem

Sunn 0)))

Françoiz Breut

Glenn Branca Presents New Work For Guitars (with Special Guests)

Glenn Branca with The Paranoid Critical Revolution

Those precious highs are going to be severely compromised by some of those dudes, I reckon. No Amy Crackhouse, either. The ATP gig is at Butlins in Minehead and is on December 7-9. The Altar gig is at the Forum in London December 10. And then, on December 11, why not go and see this guy?

Rough Trade Escapes Capture by Universal Music Group; Our Lives as Consumers Continue Unfettered, Terrorists Officially Lose

Have you ever passed by beggars on the street corner and wondered if they’re really just eccentric billionaires who spend the first few hours of their days making multi-million dollar wheelings and dealings before spending their leisure perpetrating jokes of conscience on us unsuspecting, middle-class sidewalk-trudgers??

Well, if you have, then first of all, you’re a cynical, cold-hearted prick. I mean, come on, man! These people are fucking destitute!

Second of all, you’d actually be on to something, because earlier this week, the hallowed Rough Trade record label (home to The Smiths, Destroyer, Super Furry Animals, The Long Blondes, etc.) was purchased by the independent record group Beggars Group for £800,000, which figures to be roughly $1,400,000. And you thought that they all just bought drugs with that pocket change!

The iconic record label was owned by UK record group Sanctuary Group, who, in a pretty darn Old Testament Biblical move, apparently had the good sense to wrap the legendary label in a warm blanket, put it in a basket, and float it on down the metaphorical Nile to the promise of a better life before the struggling music group itself is purchased by power-hungry Universal Music for £104.3 million in the coming days.

The Beggars group, already the proud poppa of such iconic indie labels as Beggars Banquet, Matador, XL, and 4AD, seemed happy to take in Sanctuary’s 49% ownership of their erstwhile baby for the aforementioned £800,000, despite the not-so-cute £3 million loss that the label had racked up. Now that’s love.

Rough Trade owner Geoff Tarvis, who founded the label in 1978, has touted the transition as entirely positive and hopes that the label can now reach “a worldwide level of stability and expertise.” And odds are good that Mr. Tarvis will indeed be saying sooth, as Rough Trade will soon benefit from the Beggars Group’s hefty distribution power, which makes, in addition to making me personally mad as hell that I spent all of that money on that Albert Hammond Jr. import (TMT Review), is sure to make all of the label’s releases easier to find in the U.S. And isn’t our ease of record browsing what’s REALLY important in all of this?!

So, the next time you see a beggar on the street, stop, shake his or her filthy hand, and tell him or her “thankyou” for doing his or her part to help further indie-rock by making that Jarvis Cocker 12-inch a tad bit easier to find. But don’t you DARE give that rich-ass one red cent of your pocket change!

Parts and Labor Part with Drummer After Four Years

After four years, drummer Christopher R. Weingarten has left Parts and Labor to further pursue his blossoming writing career and full-time position as editor-in-chief at Paper Thin Walls (purchased by Getty Images in May for $850,000), the popular music website. Meanwhile, Weingarten is currently completing a book about Public Enemy's It Takes A nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back.

His reasons for leaving reportedly stem from the recent explosion of interest in Paper Thin Walls, as well as the band leaving him stretching his efforts too thin. The rest of the band says that the split wasn't unanticipated, there's no bad blood, and they're way psyched to read Weingarten's book once released.

Now that a third of the Parts need to be replaced, the remainder are laboring to fill the full-time position. What does it call for? According to the band, they're looking for a "brilliant and sexy solar-powered drum machine with a clean driving record" Interested? Drop them a line.

Aesop Rock Tourdates; Consider This News Relay As To-The-Point As Diner Food and Sweet Graff

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Hip-hop’s earthworm with the mostest Aesop Rock is hitting the road in support of None Shall Pass, for release August 28.

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None Shall Pass Tracklist:

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For Aes of Def Jux, we pray - Dear God, Bless Ian Matthias Bavitz and his wife, Allyson Baker on this tour. Let Ian’s fly earthworm (…demeanor)…eat Allyson’s…dirt, consummating their sweet love to make little earthworms, which Aes will drop rhymes to in the womb, and, once out, challenge to freestyle living room rap battles while Allyson leaves behind any of her own musical aspirations to cook, clean, and read Danielle Steele novels. Amen.

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This was actually written.

  

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