Ever wonder why we even bother to report Smashing Pumpkins-related news? Well, basically it’s because we’d take a good punchline over a good story any day of the week. And there’s almost none better than Billy Corgan. Let’s face it, to the contributors and general readership of a site such as ours, the man’s exploits are a comedy of errors. But sometimes, I have to admit that talking about our friend The Corgmeister gets more straight-up infuriating than amusing. Especially at the beginning of a long work week. So if it’s okay with you, I thought I’d just take this opportunity to try out my George Carlin impression for this story? It probably still needs some fine-tuning, but tell me how I do (and if you’re a little kid, maybe don’t read it). Okay, so here we go. Picture me wearing black clothes with a ponytail or whatever:
Okay, first of all, fuck Billy Corgan for even making me have to type the words “teargarden” and “kaleidyscope”. Seriously, what the fuck is that shit? Come on, you know that you’re feeling me on this. Let’s look at you, reader. Yes YOU. The guy reading this right now. Why are you sitting here feeling all broke and stuck and dead-endy, reading this jagjob website instead of looking for a real jagjob so you can pay all your jagbills while this son of a bitch gets paid to flit around the US this fall for another sad little tour with his latest mangled incarnation of the Smashing Pumpkins project? Complete insanity.
Second of all, they’re touring with this ongoing Teargarden album thing. (You know, the one that only ekes out a little music every once in a while because it’s not really a functional band but has the audacity to claim that they’re doing it that way on purpose as some sort of concept?? That one.) And there’s even news of a potential “album-within-an-album” called Oceania coming out this September as part of the Kaleidyscope series. Album-within-an-album? Let me tell you, reader: the only thing kaleidoscopic about this whole pissfuck of a project is the horseshit they’re spraying everywhere!
But so anyway, here they come this fall, right? They’re trodding all this bullshit behind them, like a dog dragging his ass across your nice white Berber carpet — you know, on account of how good all this texture feels on his ass — from Los Angeles to Philadelphia, basically wiping their shit-stained asses with the whole damn country. Oh, I tell ya, it’s all just one big shit show, reader, and you and I are the toilet paper!
…So, what do you think? Yeah, you’re right. I probably need to work on it some more. Oh well. Thanks for indulging me; at least I feel a little better now. Check below for the tourdates, and I guess tell your friends and coworkers that DO actually like Smashing Pumpkins that tickets will be available beginning Friday, August 19.
10.05.11 - Los Angeles, CA - Wiltern
10.07.11 - Oakland, CA - Fox Theatre
10.08.11 - Las Vegas, NV - Cosmopolitan
10.10.11 - Denver, CO - Ogden Theatre
10.13.11 - Milwaukee, WI - Riverside Theatre
10.14.11 - Chicago, IL - TBA
10.15.11 - Detroit, MI - The Fillmore
10.17.11 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
10.18.11 - New York, NY - Terminal 5
10.19.11 - Providence, RI - Lupo’s
10.21.11 - Boston, MA - Orpheum Theatre
10.22.11 - Philadelphia, PA - Tower Theatre
• Smashing Pumpkins: http://www.smashingpumpkins.com