Let’s face it: People fucking love buying Beatles shit. And they will never stop fucking buying Beatles shit for as long as they fucking live. Whether it’s a fucking video game, or the same fucking albums you’ve owned for 40 goddamn years, Apple Corps just loves milking the teet of the 50-something set for every discretionary dollar it can get its Liverpuddled hands on.
Except for those ghastly digital downloads, that is!
Apple Corps would never be so beastly as to cash in on the monumental notoriety of the world’s most famous band ever by offering its fans simple access to its favorite group’s music through iTunes. Really, how barbaric!
You see, Apple Corps knows what your average Beatlemaniac craves, and that’s a fucking multimedia experience. What’s that? You just like the music? Aren’t the timeless songs what’s really important, you ask? Well you can take your precious records and ram ’em up your fart furnace, Grandpa! We’re talking 21st-century Beatles here. The consumer wants the full Beatles experience, not just those stodgy old pop songs! The consumer wants to play guitar like George and harmonize like Paul, so s/he has been given a $300 set of plastic toys to achieve his dream at last. The consumer wants to listen to “Here Comes the Sun” while a muscular man in a peacock feather Speedo does pushups in a ceramic hamster wheel, so s/he has been given a $150 ticket to a Las Vegas revue that offers something very similar to that.
But who, I implore, asked for this: a fucking limited-edition USB jump drive packed with the 14 remastered Beatles albums plus 13 “mini-documentaries” about (almost) each record? Is this Apple Corps’ idea of a digital release? A fucking memory stick that most people will end up backing up their illegal MP3s onto? But hold on, ya’ll, the fucking thumb drive is shaped like an Apple! Just like the record company they started! How kitchsy! I will totally spend $279.99 for this glorified floppy disk! Or, according to Rachel B, I could just pop over to Bluebeat.com, where they’re selling digital copies of every Beatles album for fire sale prices. Sure, they’re selling the songs without permission, but I’d just like easy access to a product I desire without a bunch of useless glitz or pricey packaging. I guess I’m just not the average consumer, though.
