Some Guy in Tennessee Actually Upset About Being the Recipient of an MP3 Player Pre-Loaded With Porn

I hope each of you TMT readers had a very special holiday season. Things went pretty much as they always do for me: another year where I drink too much eggnog on Christmas morning, another year where I’m asked never to return to the Gap my ex-girlfriend works at, another year where I don’t get my family any presents and call it art. Nothing too exciting. My only regret is that I didn’t stock up on MP3 players at Wal-Mart when I had the chance.

Until recently, Wal-Mart was known across the globe as a promoter of mainstream values. Who could forget the way they so nobly released a version of Nirvana’s In Utero featuring the song "Waif Me"? Until this winter, everybody everywhere adored absolutely everything Wal-Mart stood for. Yet the retail chain has recently made some enemies via its latest experimental marketing strategy. The new promotion, which Wal-Mart has yet to officially recognize, involves allowing customers to buy MP3 players, chock ‘em full of pornographic material of their choosing, and return them, where they will then be mixed anonymously in with other MP3 players and sold. The lucky winner of such an MP3 player was Cookeville resident and father of three, Daryl Hill.

Hill bought each of his children an MP3 player as Christmas presents and foolishly neglected to check the allegedly brand new MP3 players for pre-loaded porn before giving them away. His 10-year-old daughter ended up with the MP3 player, who apparently watched a substantial amount of video. Hill was quoted as saying "Within 10 minutes, my daughter was crying... I wish I could take the thoughts and images out of her head." What happened during the first nine minutes of the video is unknown, though it is believed that they were comprised mostly of “softcore” or “upstairs” footage.

Hill would not accept a replacement from Wal-Mart, presumably due to the slight chance it would contain a genie or a money machine, which would likely induce fits of violent weeping in his daughter lasting for weeks on end. Unfortunately, Wal-Mart has since ended the promotion and has both returned to its former policy of not placing used items back in stock and initiated a campaign encouraging customers not to buy MP3 players, put porn on them, and then get busted by their 10-year-old daughter.

Lambchop Tour, And I Finally Discover That Lamb Chop, The Puppet is Spelled Differently than Lambchop, The Band

Lamb Chop, Hush Puppy, and the genuine smile of Shari Lewis. My childhood was full of those three things, and as a young boy, I was inspired to be a puppeteer. I grew up in an area consumed by urban sprawl and Wal-Mart, so my only chance of getting out of a small town like St. Paris, OH was to either be a sports sensation or enter show business. I tried to convince my parents that being a puppeteer was being part of show business, but my father ended up crucifying my sock puppets while blaring AC/DC from our wood shed. I learned quickly that AC/DC and whisky made my dad to do some strange things. So, I was essentially forced by my parents to give up my dreams of show business as a crossroads approached quickly: either attempt the high school thing (assuming I can play sports) or start working.

I started working.

I began work at an automotive parts factory that I could ride my four-wheeler to. I had a Polaris Trailblazer; it was two-stroke, and you had to mix the gas with oil. Easy upkeep and I lost my virginity on/in/under it. That ATV was my best friend. Eventually, I had forgotten completely about the dream of being a puppeteer, and I was working overtime at the factory. I didn't have time to think about cute sheep made out of socks, and instead it was booze and "bitches" for me. It was all I had time for. I had a good friend who had some radical taste in music, and he introduced me to a lot of good tunes. One particular band he introduced me to ultimately changed my life: Lambchop. I couldn't believe the name of this band, and then he let me hear my first Lambchop song, "I Will Drive Slowly."

The lyrics went like this:

No Age Announce Release Date of Sub Pop Debut; Frere-Jones Is A Baby

"No Age’s music is not instantly inviting," says Sasha Frere-Jones, writer for The New Yorker. And by that, Frere-Jones means to say that, literally, No Age's music hasn't sent out invitations. In a way, I understand what he means. It's a little upsetting that all the blog hype and zine cream amounted to, you know, no invitations. You'd think we'd get a little something something. On the other hand, I feel like Frere-Jones is simply expecting too much from No Age's music. I ask: how can one expect invitations from something that doesn't even have sentience?!?

Ha, thanks! Comedy comes easy to me!

Anyway, No Age are set to debut their debut Sub Pop full-length. The album, titled Nouns, is due May 6 and will not -- I repeat -- WILL NOT be a collection of tracks, like last year's Weirdo Rippers. As we've already reported (remember the mashup?), the dudes are going on tour with Liars, so check ‘em out as they play some new tunes. BUT DON'T EXPECT AN INVITATION, TEE HEE.

% WITHOUT Liars

Caribou Plan Further Into The Future Than Most Of You, Will Reportedly Be Releasing Their 1, 5, 10 & 25 Year Plans Very Soon

What are you doing for the next four months? Do you know where your life will be in, say, late March or May 2? Sure, 2008 is little more than a week old, but Dan Snaith and his touring buds already know exactly what will be going on in their world for the next four months: one big-ass tour, stretching from the four corners of the globe to the nether regions of the soul.

Starting with Japan, Caribou will travel to about 19 more countries (sorry countries in Africa and South America) to promote last year's excellent Andorra (TMT Review) on Merge. About the time of blooming flowers, the band will be wrapping things up with a return trip to England for something called ATP Vs. Pitchfork, which, from my research, seems to be a festival celebrating the convergence of electronics and farming. Well, maybe the organizers of this extremely under-promoted and under-reported festival think the band is made up of actual North American wild Reindeer. Then this would make perfect sense.

See you in May, Dan.

Tourdates:

Former Q and Not U Member Named Executive Editor for The FADER

Apparently, dreams do come true, as former Q and Not U member, Chris Richards is well aware of. The FADER publisher, Andy Cohn, announced recently that Richards would take over the position of Executive Editor for the music publication.

But wait, we know Richards can play music damn well, but can he write about it?

Well, my friend, unless you live in the Washington D.C. area, you were probably unaware of the fact that Richards has been a longtime columnist for The Washington Post, covering music, arts,, and culture for the Style and Sunday Source sections for the past six years. And the dude has a B.A. in Fine Arts from George Washington University, so, you know, that’s got to count for something.

Richards released the following statement about his new position: “I feel like The FADER has just hired its biggest fan. [They’ve] been turning me on to new sounds for years and I'm thrilled to be joining a team of journalists as enthusiastic about the future of music as I am.”

Cohn sounded equally as excited about his new hire: “After meeting with Chris we knew he was the perfect person for the position. His incredible background combined with his passion for music blew me away and I'm really excited to be working with him as we continue to grow The FADER and explore new terrain for the brand.”

The New Mahjongg Album Is Called Kontpab; My Girlfriend’s Yoga Instructor Is Called Ichi Wang

It is a long-standing joke among my friends (3) and acquaintances (5) that I myself am a joke when it comes to seeing movies. It is not that I don’t like movies -- I really do enjoy most that I happen to see. I just don't happen to make the effort to see many. I guess I am just more of an old-fashioned book guy or a “squatting-in-the-bushes-outside-your-house-for-hours” kind of guy. Regardless, any excuses I can muster would be lame because there really is no justification for the fact that the last time I stepped into a movie theater, it was either to see a young “MJ” Fox time-travel back to 1955 to resist the very real urge that every young man has to bang his mother or to witness Ralph Macchio's stringy crane-foot connect with the windpipe of a nasty Cobra Kai.

Music-wise, I’ve seen almost every act I have wanted to see, with few exceptions. For our purposes here, despite recommendations and near misses, and although they are not a movie, Mahjongg are on my “haven’t seen” list (which incidentally includes four of the six Star Wars movies, any Matrix, Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter flick, most old “classics” like Gone With the Wind or Casablanca, anything directed by Todd Solondz, P.T. Anderson, Lars von Trier, Walter Salles, Spike Jonze, Todd Haynes, the Coen brothers, David Lynch [!!!...yep, can you believe that?], any of the Godfathers, anything voiced-overed by Bruce Willis or Roseanne Barr... the travesties go on forever!). It just hasn't worked out yet, but I know my quality time with Mahjongg will come, and it will come soon, because the rhythmic agitators are starting to gain momentum and notoriety, and some of the following winter dates are within hitchhiking distance from my hovel.

Here are the nights on the tiles:
01.22.08 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Tavern
01.23.08 - Buffalo, NY - Soundlab
01.24.08 - Cambridge, MA - TT the Bears
01.25.08 - Providence, RI - AS 220
01.26.08 - Brooklyn, NY - Southpaw
01.27.08 - Baltimore, MD - The Depot
01.28.08 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda's
01.30.08 - Columbus, OH - Skully's Music Diner
01.31.08 - Chicago, IL - Subterranean
02.21.08 - Milwaukee, WI - Mad Planet
02.22.08 - Minneapolis, MN - 7th Street Entry
02.23.08 - Grinnell, IA - Grinnell College-Gardner Lounge
02.24.08 - Omaha, NE - The Waiting Room
02.26.08 - Denver, CO - Larimer Lounge
02.27.08 - Salt Lake City, UT - Kilby Court
02.28.08 - Boise, ID - Neurolux
03.06.08 - San Francisco, CA - Rickshaw Stop
03.08.08 - Los Angeles, CA - The Echo
03.09.08 - San Diego, CA - Casbah
03.13.08 - Denton, TX - Rubber Gloves
03.15.08 - Lawrence, KS - Jackpot Saloon

Next month, Mahjongg will bestow upon the public the greatest gift short of a syphilis and Q-Ray bracelet: a new album! Kontpab, their first release for K Records, will be out February 12. In the words of Sensei Kreese: “Strike first. Strike hard. No mercy.”

1. Pontiac
2. Problems
3. Kottbusser Torr
4. Tell the Police the Truth
5. Those Bords Are Bats
6. Wipe Out
7. Teardrops
8. Mercury
9. Rise Rice

  

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