Janet Reno Mackin’ On America, To Discover America Likes Her as a Friend and Digs Pam Anderson, Angelina Jolie, and Ladies that Wear Lacy Panties, Reno To Read Cosmopolitan for Petty Booty-Shaking Empowerment, Reno Compiles a “Get Wit’ Me” Mix CD and Breathily Whisper in America’s Ear “Here, Listen to Devendra Banhart and Andrew Bird While I Slip Into Something More Comfortable and Then We Can Both Steam-Up Your Great, Big, Melting Pot…”
By AJ Pacitti on 07-06-2007

Halfway through an oh-so-lonely spin of La-La-La Lohan’s “Rumors” this fourth of July, Janet Reno got sick of her post-cold cream bedtime routine: singing into her hairbrush and getting down to JAMZ behind closed doors, where only she could appreciate her smooth, supple breasts sagging on her robust figure, her chick-with-a-mission hairdo, and her tasteful cotton panties.
Long since holding onto a dream that looks don’t matter to her MAJAHH CRUSHHHH!, a friend of a friend told Janet that America, who she had long since been putting the moves on, digs that FUGLY SLUT Pam Anderson. And Angelina Jolie. And Jennifer Aniston.
WHAAAAAAT????? AMERICA LIKES HOT CHICKS????? WHAT ABOUT BRAINS????
“AMERICA IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, JANET,” said the friend.
Janet was heartbroken.
After deciding a boob job would jerk the chain of that whole female-empowerment thing she has going for her, she changed into her pajamas (a shoulder-padded feet pajamas business suit of breathable fabric) and remembered youth (acne, headgear, never getting asked to a prom), and at that moment got WAY EMPOWERED. Following a road paved by every ugly girl who pretends it doesn’t bother them to look like ass, Reno flipped through Cosmo for tips on tightening her abs and cried halfway through sit-up number three.
“I’m sick of being alone!” said Reno, sniffling, while her hairline sweat profusely.
Though sit-ups weren’t happening, neither was sitting at home in her pajamas.
Reno was going out tonight.
After caking on some glitter-ific Caboodles, hoisting her ever-saggy boobs into a killer halter top, and slumping her lady-lump into rhinestone-decaled jeans, she decided in order to declare her orgasmic mack-mackin’ love o’ America, she would stop at nothing -- even if it came to a good, dirty mud wrestle with Pam Anderson.
So, rather than locking her door and sitting under the sheets with smutty issues of TIME, Newsweek and Life, she rolled out to DA’ CLUBZ, did some body shots wit’ DA’ BOYZ, made out with a few chicks (...for attention... yeah, attention...), and awoke next morning on a street corner, naked and alone.
Her hair smelled of vomit.
Vowing never to shake her most generously-endowed groove thing again, Reno resigned herself to the I’ll-love-you-from-afar existence of the intellectual elite, resulting in this subtle mix CD. A tribute to a love she’ll never have.
Reno took two years to compile this American tribute mix, a 3CD, 50-song compilation, to be released September 18 (Three Tigers), including tracks from Andrew Bird, Danielson, Devendra Banhart, and John Mellencamp. Seriously.
Bigger Boobs=Happiness, I Wanted This Land To Be My Land, You Are Beautiful In Every Single Way, America:
Earl Bullhead - "Lakota Dream Song"
Julie Lee - "Once More Our God Vouchesafe To Shine"
Blind Boys of Alabama - "Let Us Break Bread Together"
John Wesley Harding - "God Save the King"
Elizabeth Foster - "Young Ladies in Town"
Malcolm Holcombe - "The Old Woman Taught Wisdom"
Ed Pettersen - "The Liberty Song"
Harper Simon - "Yankee Doodle"
The Wilders - "Jefferson & Liberty"
Steven Kowalczyk-Santoro - "Hail Columbia"
Take 6 - "Star Spangled Banner"
Beth Nielsen Chapman - "Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child"
Freedy Johnston - "Peg and Awl"
BR549 - "Sweet Betsy From Pike"
Will Hill and Jehnean Day Washington - "Trail of Tears"
Minton Sparks and Pat Flynn - "Declaration of Sentiments"
Fisk Jubilee Singers - "Go Down Moses"
Mavericks [ft. Thad Cockrell] - "Dixie's Land"
Marah - "John Brown's Body"
Joanna Smith - "Battle Hymn of the Republic"
Janis Ian - "Johnny I Hardly Knew Ye"
Tim O'Brien - "Thousands Are Sailing to Amerikay"
Otis Gibbs - "The Farmer Is the Man"
Joni Harms - "Home on the Range"
Jake Shimabukuro - "Stars & Stripes Forever"
Jen Chapin - "Over There"
Andrew Bird - "How You Gonna Keep 'Em Down on the Farm"
Karen Parks - "Lift Every Voice and Sing"
Danielson - "Happy Days Are Here Again"
Andy Bey - "Brother Can You Spare a Dime?"
Jim Lauderdale - "Seven Cent Cotton and Forty Cent Meat"
Old Crow Medicine Show - "Deportee"
Suzy Bogguss - "Rosie the Riveter"
Folk Family Robinson (Black Crowes with Stan Robinson) - "Reuben James"
Scott Kempner - "Apache Tears"
Elizabeth Cook and the Grascals - "The Great Atomic Power"
Devendra Banhart - "Little Boxes"
The Del McCoury Band - "The Times They Are A-Changin'"
Kim Richey - "Get Together"
The Dynamites / Charles Walker - "Say It Loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud"
Ben Taylor - "Ohio"
Anthony David - "What's Going On"
Martha Wainwright - "I Am Woman"
Matthew Ryan - "Youngstown"
Bettye LaVette - "Streets of Philadelphia"
Gary Heffern / Chris Eckman - "Wave"
Shortee - "The Message"
Judith Edelman / Neilson Hubbard - "Sleep, My Child (Schlof Mayn Kind)"
The Wrights - "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning"
John Mellencamp - "This Land Is Your Land"
Super Furry Animals Back Soon with New LP and Summer Tourdates; Saskatchewan Fencing Association Still Upset at Having to Share Its Initials with Rock Group but Enjoying Rash of Stray Website Hits from Drunk Googlers
By David Nadelle on 07-06-2007
Hey Venus!, Super Furry Animals’ eighth proper studio album, will be released August 27 via Rough Trade. The “Show Your Hand” single will be out a fortnight earlier, on August 13. Here is the trackli--.... wait, hold on a sec... is one of the songs below seriously called “Baby Ate My Eight Ball”? Surely the best song title ever! You can have your “Every Time I Eat Vegetables It Makes Me Think of You,” your “Russian Berries but You’re Quiet Tonight,” your “Mama Get the Hammer (There’s a Fly on Papa’s Head),” and the entire Fall catalogue, but “Baby Ate My Eight Ball” is better. Given these Welsh eccentrics penchant for perfect pop, folk, psych, and even cod-techno, it will most likely be the best sounding song ever too, until the next one at least.
Hey song titles!
1. The Gateway Song
2. Runaway
3. Show Your Hand
4. The Gift
5. Neo Consumer
6. Into the Night
7. Baby Ate My Eight Ball
8. Carbon Dating
9. Suckers
10. Battersea Odyssey
Team SFA will be playing shows this summer, most likely with its unique surround sound system in tow, but probably not with its blue and pink tank along for the ride; maybe with a continent of stage dancing fuzzy yetis and definitely packing a back catalogue that reeks of consistency and class and that puts most drippy, flat band outputs to shame. Tourdates:
07.13.07 - Kent, England - Lounge on the Farm
07.14.07 - Coventry, England - Godiva Festival
07.21.07 - London, England/Dublin, Ireland - Lovebox Festival
08.25.07 - Cardiff, Wales - Cooper’s Field, Get Loaded in the Park
08.31.07 - Glasgow, Scotland - Connect Festival
09.02.07 - Jersey, England - Jersey Live
09.15.07 - Derbyshire, England - End of the Road Festival
11.23.07 - Burnham-on-Sea, England - Tunnel Vision Festival
Wales is very infrequently referred to as “the Jamaica of the British Isles.” That's all about to change, because Guto Pryce, dub loving bassist with Welsh national treasures Super Furry Animals, is the latest to have the honor of handpicking tracks from the Trojan Records vaults for release as Furry Selection. “Jamaican music looks forward, dub is ageless because it sounds like nothing else,” says Pryce. “The music that came from Jamaica in the late 60’s and early 70’s is some of the best I’ve ever heard, from anywhere in the world. You can’t believe how lucky I feel to plough through Trojan’s huge catalogue and choose my favourite tracks.” And we are lucky too, because we get to hear yet another musician’s take on the Trojan legacy, and that is never a bad thing. Furry Selection: Luxury Cuts of Trojan by a Super Furry Animal is out now. Here is what Guto chose:
1. Horace Andy - “Skylarking”
2. Lee 'Scratch' Perry - “Curly Locks”
3. Mikey Dread - “Dread Combination”
4. Leo Graham & The Upsetters - “Flashing Echo”
5. Augustus Pablo - “Vibrate Onn”
6. Keith Hudson - “Darkest Night On A Wet Looking Road”
7. Linval Thompson - “Jamaican Colley (version)”
8. U-Roy - “Penny For Your Dub”
9. Tenor Saw - “Ring The Alarm”
10. Leroy Smart & The Aggrovators - “Channel One Feel It”
11. Susan Cadogan - “Do It Baby”
12. The Upsetters - “23rd Dub”
13. Rupie Edwards - “Free The Weed”
14. Bob Marley & The Wailers - “Kaya”
15. Cornell Campbell - “Girl Of My Dreams”
16. Junior Byles - “The Long Way”