Spector to (Finally) go to Trial; All-Knowing Judge Looks to Past for Inspiration and Chooses to Allow Trial to be (Finally) Televised

Americans are known for lots of things worldwide, most of them highly admirable. One of our best assets, in my white-as-Wonderbread opinion, is our ability to stick with what works. You won't find us Americans changing things around for sheer novelty, that's fer damn sure! Our motto is simple: If it ain't resulted in global chaos, don't fix it. For example, the US of iz-Ay is involved in a tiny lil' conflict overseas. We're smokin' the wacky Iraq-y! And, since the war has worked so WELL for us all the last few years, we're maintaining our presence there. See? We find something that works and we stick with it!!

The same thing goes for televising highly publicized murder trials. I mean, remember the OJ Simpson trial? Right, the one that you sandwiched between NYPD Blue and Ellen on Tuesday nights. Well, in case you can't remember, that trial ran EXTREMELY SMOOTHLY for everyone involved, mostly due to the fact it was televised! Remember how judge Ito acted all awkwardly authoritative because he knew he was on camera? Remember OJ's sly glances? Remember that reasonable, get-behind-able, and above all else, JUST verdict? Yeah, me too, it was great!!!

Seeing as it worked so AMAZINGLY in the past, another highly publicized murder trial will be televised: that of aging music-biz phenom Phil Spector. Anticipating ratings higher than Spector's blossoming afro — at least that's what we at TMT assume — California Superior Court Judge Larry Paul Fidler recently ordered that television coverage be allowed at the trial. And we're not talking about in-the-nosebleeds coverage; this is gavel-to-gavel bitch! AWESOME, right? It's like a Reality Show about Real People ... in Real-Life Courtroom with Real-Life Ass-Sucking Lawyers and (hopefully) another Real-Life Ito-In-The-Making judge and a potentially Too-Real-Life verdict. Hell, we even have a rich defendant that's almost certainly culpable! And now, thanks to the fact that he allegedly shot a woman in the face, Spector will be come TV's newest Reality TV Star! Let the games begin ...

When asked about his puzzling decision in lieu of the — in case you didn't pick up my latent sarcasm above — monumentally perverse Simpson trial, judge Fidler said, "We have to get by that case. There's going to come a time that it will be commonplace to televise trials. If it had not been for Simpson, we'd be there now." Again, I emphasize: This quote didn't come from a television executive, but a bona fide judge. Scratch that, a Superior Court judge!! Awww snap! Fidler also claims televising the Event will prove that celebrities are treated the same as anyone else in the Court of Law. [resume Sarcasm here] Because, you know, the four-year delay on Spector's trial is proof enough that celebrities get no handouts. And most importantly, Fidler On The Roof is gonna be a big star now! Wonder if he'll parlay this into a guest spot on The Girls Next Door? That show's so info-tainment-tastic!

The TMT crime lab has broken the case down to a few easy-to-understand fragments for those of you too STOOPID to know already: Phil Spector went out for a few drinks on Feb. 3, 2003. He tipped generously (or at least that's what the transcript of the pre-trial hearing indicated; see, they focus on the important stuff, remember) and ended up going home with a blonde bombshell named Lana Clarkson. They hung out, had a few drinks most likely. Then the darndest thing happened: Police were called by neighbors who heard gunshots. When the cops got to Spector's sprawling estate, they found something strange; it seemed Spector's guest had been shot square in the face!

Naturally they were going to let him go. Because, you know, he makes lots of money. Besides, he explained the whole thing to them (Direct quote: "I didn't mean to shoot her. It was an accident.")! God, who's policing the police these days anyway? Here they are wasting their time harrassing poor Phil Spector when they could be busting college kids for smokin' doobers or pulling me over for making too-wide a turn. MAN! I just don't understand shit like that ... Oh, and as it turns out, Spector allegedly has a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee little bit of history when it comes to guns and women and sex and such ... Nothing too damning really. I mean, so he pulled guns on several people. Pfffft. Could happen to anyone!

Jury selection is to begin March 19 ... get your tickets now because this is the only segment of the trial that is not to be televised.