Spoon Me After Your Spring Tour Please

I don't ask for much, honey. I do your laundry, feed the kitty cats, give you those back massages you like so much. Heck, I even made you
your favorite beef stew twice in one week, not one month ago. I tuck
the youngins in at night, and I perform for you in the bedroom as best
I can, so this shouldn't come as such a shock, with that big ol'
question mark on your face there. You hear me, Britt Daniel? Now I'm
not fooling around: I demand some Spoonin.'

It's a natural act, don't you see? The human body's all gangly and awkward enough where you can't sit in one chair for too long without
getting some serious cramps. But I tell you, I could Spoon for days on
end. You just give me the hand signal, Britt, and I will call in to
work and say something's come up and I won't even be lying, because I
tell you I'll be Spooning, and that's not something you take lightly.
Here we are in scenic Portland; you're back from a nice little tour
over yonder, and I've been waiting long enough for the kind of
Spoonin' I know my man can deliver, like he's been delivering up and
down the East Coast.

Oh don't think I didn't hear about that. I ain't as thick as you look,
and I suggest you stop lookin' a gift horse in the mouth like Poppa
Daniel told you when you were still impressionable and not the kind of
two-timing Spoon addict you've turned into as of late. I've seen those
pictures, Britt, with you and everyone else at that Starlight
Ballroom, lying there together on the floor, wrapping arms around
bellies and the like... you make a career out of that position on the
sly, and yet when you get home to your one true inamorata, you act
like a piece of no-good, flimsy plywood.

Now I'm going to lay down on this here bed and turn away from you, and
you can either walk out that door or else you can buck up and be a goddang man and Spoon me 'til Merge releases your new album in July.

Tracklist:

1. Don't Make Me A Target
2. The Ghost Of You Lingers
3. You Got Yr Cherry Bomb
4. Don't You Evah
5. Rhthm And Soul
6. Eddie's Ragga
7. The Underdog
8. My Little Japanese Cigarette Case
9. Finer Feelings
10. Black Like Me

Neil Young’s Shit List: Factory Farms, George W. Bush, and Most Recently, Breast Cancer

Attention, ladies! Wanna be Neil Young's new Cinnamon Girl and do your part for a righteous cause in one fell swoop? Here's the deal: As long as you can scratch out a tune AND you're part of your local Open Mic Night circuit, you can land a spot on Cinnamon Girl - Women Artists Cover Neil Young. All proceeds from the record, which includes covers from the Watson Twins and Jill Sobule, go directly to Casting For Recovery, a national non-profit support and educational program for women who have or have survived breast cancer. The comp is set to be released on American Laundromat Records, and the lucky amateur lady will go home with a shiny new axe from Daisy Rock, a guitar joint that prides itself on crafting girl-friendly musical gear.

Honestly, after reading a book about Farm Aid, I'm about two seconds from recording "Heidi Vanderslice Sings (TMT Exclusive!) - The Kid-Rock-Will-Probably-Outlive-Neil-Young-Blues."

More about the contest here.

Help Mono Fight the Likes of The Apples in Stereo, Stereo Total, The Stereophonics, Stereolab, er, the Duophonic label… The Quadrajets Too, I Guess

Yes! Mono is coming to North America AGAIN for a nice, long tour. That will be right before the "kissing disease" of the same name arrives to plague parts of the continent. That mono is the one that sidelines the high school girl for a couple of summer months, the one who works at Sunglass Hut and who swaps spit with the dude who has a 1995 sky-blue Buick Skylark who pitches a tent in his jodhpurs some night outside the 7-11 (Jodhpurs? Well, how the hell am I supposed to know what degenerates who drive Skylarks wear these days?) who in turn rubs up against the girl with invisible braces who is always wearing those awful mauve jeans who hooks up with the all-star quarterback and his offensive line at the "Time to Party Hard and Get Effed Up Large-Time, Losers!" kegger. Both monos seem to arrive every year without fail. One is way more enjoyable to experience. The other is a Japanese quartet with a penchant for beautifully tense sounds. Baaaa-zing!

The sound-pounding gods (and bass goddess Tamaki of course) will certainly be playing a lot of tracks on this upcoming tour off of their latest Albini-engineered album called You Are There (TMT Review) that was released in ought-six on Temporary Residence plus loads of fan faves from their heavy back catalog of inspirational, cacophonous sludge. Mono does tour a lot, but this time around the support comes from some true stars: World's End Girlfriend, The Drift, and Grails (and Kinski too, but only for the Seattle show). Now the only thing stopping you from seeing some spectacular live bands is a needless glandular infection. It might be best to err on the side of caution and stay inside and play solo, or mono, until the show

04.12.07 - Cambridge, MA - Middle East Downstairs #
04.13.07 - Montréal, Quebec - La Sala Rossa #
04.14.07 - Buffalo, NY - Soundlab #
04.15.07 - Pittsburgh, PA - Carnegie Mellon University #
04.16.07 - Cleveland, OH - Grog Shop #
04.17.07 - Columbus, OH - Little Brothers #
04.18.07 - Louisville, KY - Headliners Music Hall #
04.19.07 - Dekalb, IL - The House Café #
04.20.07 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle #
04.21.07 - Minneapolis, MN - Triple Rock Club #
04.24.07 - Bellingham, WA - The Nightlight Lounge #
04.25.07 - Seattle, WA - Neumo's %
04.26.07 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge #
04.27.07 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall #
04.28.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Troubadour #
04.29.07 - San Diego, CA - Casbah #
04.30.07 - Tucson, AZ - Plush #
05.02.07 - Denton, TX - Hailey's #
05.03.07 - Austin, TX - Emo's Jr. $
05.04.07 - Houston, TX - Mink $
05.05.07 - Baton Rouge, LA - Spanish Moon $
05.07.07 - Orlando, FL - The Social $
05.08.07 - Jacksonville, FL - TSI $
05.09.07 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree $
05.10.07 - Atlanta, GA - The Earl $
05.11.07 - Mt. Pleasant, SC - The Village Tavern $
05.12.07 - Chapel Hill, NC - Local 506 $
05.13.07 - Charlottesville, VA - Satellite Ballroom $
05.14.07 - Baltimore, MD - Ottobar $
05.15.07 - Washington, DC - Rock and Roll Hotel $
05.16.07 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church $
05.17.07 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom $

# World's End Girlfriend and The Drift

% Kinski, World's End Girlfriend, and The Drift

$ World's End Girlfriend and Grails

Family Matters Lost Episode Travels Through Time To Yellow Swans Tour

Carl: (Walks through front door) Honey, I'm home!

Harriette: Carl! I'm so glad you're back. How was your day?

Carl: It went pretty well. I arrested a teenager who was trying to steal the new Spin Doctors cassette, caught Vice President Dan Quayle's latest speech on TV, and then moonwalked my way over to the donut shop for a bear claw! How was yours?

Harriette: Same old, same old. I mostly listened to my boom box and did laundry. Between those acid-washed jeans of Eddie's and those Hawaiian shirts of yours, I've been pretty busy. What should we do tonight?

Carl: I thought I'd watch the Chicago Bulls game. They're unstoppable!

Harriette: Aw, Carl, we do that every night. Tonight let's do something... something... something...

Urkel: (Bounding through front door holding small, glowing blue orb) Hiya, Winslows! (Knocks over porcelain cat figurine) Did Iiiiiiii do that??

Carl: Jesus, Urkel, watch where you're going!

Urkel: Sorry! But no time to talk! I've invented a device that has the power to take us 16 years into the future!

Harriette: All the way to the year 2007?

Carl: Wow! I wonder what it will be like in the year 2007!

Urkel: I like to envision the year 2007 as a time when everyone is treated as an equal, and when we have solved the problems of war, global poverty, and corporate fraud. Or at the very least, I'd like to believe that those issues haven't snowballed into greater problems than they are now.

Carl: Surely we stop at least one of those problems from getting worse.

Urkel: Anyway, guys, the reason I built this time machine is so that we could see this band from the future called Yellow Swans!

Harriette: Are they anything like Culture Club?

Urkel: Not quite. They will go on to release numerous albums, including a better-known one in 2006 called Psychic Secession, which will be reviewed by a website called Tiny Mix Tapes.

Harriette: Are they anything like Culture Club?

Urkel: You'd be surprised. Anyway, using this time machine, I plan on taking us to every single date of the Yellow Swans Spring 2007 European tour, and once one show is over I'll use the time machine to immediately switch to the next one -- in this way, we'll be able to see every single show on the tour, back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back!

Carl: Can I bring my Rubix cube?

Urkel: Sure! So will you guys come with me?

Carl and Harriette: (In unison) OK!

Urkel: (As orb begins to glow brightly) Just put your hands on this orb, and imagine yourselves 16 years in the future. One... two... three... here we gooooooooo!

Photo: SINSALaudio

Sub Pop Release Scholarship, Tour

Hey, city boy. Think yer too good for the farm? Above a bit of pig-wrasslin?? Want yerself an ed-yoo-kay-shun? Want to git yerself to yoo-nee-vursity? Yeah? Wanna hang out with all the pretty girls in they libraries and they single-sex dormitories? Well, I guess that's fair enough, isn't it? What with the state of that dad-gum job market, gettin' a degree ain't nothin' more than an investment in your future.

Well, greenhorn, this is yer lu -- fuck it. This is your lucky day. Sub Pop (I seem to be TMT's Sub Pop correspondent at the moment -- maybe I should get a badge) are offering a scholarship to one lucky scholar to the sum of $5,750, or 676,488 yen, if you're down with the whole Japanese currency thing. And, really, who isn't?

They're not giving away the money for nothing, though. Oh, no. They're giving it away for practically nothing. To apply, send off an essay to them, no more than one page, on some of the following topics:


  • What are you doing in the arts/music field in your community?

  • How and/or why did you become interested in artistic outlets?

  • Why do you need this scholarship money?

  • What are your influences and/or who inspires you?

  • Who are some of your favorite bands or artists?

  • Evolution: I ain't evolved from some danged monkey, AMIRITE?

Yeah, I dunno about that last one. Maybe best to steer clear of that.

The deadline for applications is May 1. For more information, click on href="http://www.subpop.com/channel/giveitaway_giveitaway_giveitawaynow/announcing_the_sub_pop_loser_scholarship">this handy intertextual weblink.