Starlight Mints’ Gear Stolen: Americans - 0, Terrorists/Communists - 5487

It seems like every week there is news about equipment being stolen from a band that typically doesn't deserve it. I know you're thinking, what band deserves such travesty? That band is Hinder. Hinder is that band. Feel free to steal any of their "musical" equipment and give it to a real band in need. You know, sort of like a Robin Hood of our time. Of course, I really don't condone this sort of behavior. You gain nothing in the end, except possibly a record deal where you perform at sold-out cola stadiums under some pretentious alternative title, like Hinder. It's not worth it.

I almost spit up my Taco Bell breakfast at my computer screen this morning when I read the news that Starlight Mints recently had their gear stolen. First, my sympathy went out to the eclectic band, and then I saw the bigger picture of how this has been a constant issue. The Norman, Oklahoma group reported on their MySpace with the following bulletin:

Please help us keep an eye out for the following gear that was stolen out of our trailer which was parked at our hotel in St Paul on May 3rd.

Gibson ES-135 in standard hardcase shell Serial # 92582329

Fender USA Jazz Bass in flight case

Fender USA Stratocaster in standard hardcase shell

Martin Electric Acoustic in standard hardcase shell

Midiman Keyboard

Yamaha/Akai Stage 88 Piano in flight case

Gemeinhardt Flute Serial # 125574

If you have any information that could help them, please leave a message on their MySpace. The band has been touring since their release of Drowaton on Barksuk last year. It is possible that there's no quick or easy answer to stopping fools (or terrorists, as I like to call them) from thieving, but we can always try to help these bands out the best that we can. Don't invite your klepto friend, Steve, to the next show you go to. Instead, buy him some tickets to go see Hinder.

Lawsuits Mounting, Beginning to Clog Up YouTube’s PoolTube

As if Google didn't have enough problems already -- I specifically refer to its rumoured difficulties in finding a suitable builder to construct houses fashioned entirely from SOLID GOLD for its ten top executives -- its prime bitchlet YouTube is facing another raft of lawsuits. Yes, yet more courageous warriors are willing to bravely join the noble legions willing to stand up and be counted when the sacred tenets of copyright and obscene profits are impinged upon.

In addition to the fabled legend of the Viacom suit, the English Football Premier League and Bourne Co. (a gargantuan music publishing concern of whom I have NO prior knowledge and no interest whatsoever) have launched a joint class-action suit against poor old GooTube for copyright infringement. Added to this, Robert Tur’s craggy lawsuit, concerning his beloved films of the LA riots being roughly manhandled by YouTube, is now being “supported” by his very newest BFFs at Universal and Viacom, yet another example of multinational corporations standing up for the common man (another example being when they bring back the McRib).

Google has now formally responded to the aforementioned suit from brave Viacom, which is claiming no less than one billion smackeroos for infringement -– although, personally, methinks Viacom is just pissed that Google didn’t knock on its door offering it a topless hand-shandy the same way it did with all the major labels last year. Google’s statement basically claims that Viacom consists of a bunch of mean-ass fucks (“Viacom's complaint threatens the way hundreds of millions of people legitimately exchange information, news, entertainment, and political and artistic expression because that is what we’re all about and why can’t we all just love and kiss and play speak and spell together blah blah blah blah blah”) and, anyway, can’t do nothing 'cuz Google has the metaphorical BOMB in it hands in the form of the deified DMCA Title II. It reckons the DMCA protects itself due to the fact that it offers a safe harbor to websites, if they agree to remove infringing material following a formal notice.

But Google cares so much about its buddies in the multinational country club, it doesn’t end there! It's still promising the evil-quashing ‘Claim Your Content’ filter thingy is on it’s way. Soon. Honest. Viacom, impudent scamp that it is, has essentially said that the filter won’t work (so little faith in technology!) and will be too much work for its house dicks to check up on.

So, onward the glorious struggle rumbles. Difficult to say how things will pan out in the end; the most likely outcome is that YouTube will come to some sort of out-of-court settlement with the litigants along the lines of the deals they previously brokered with the majors and once again be compelled to don their freshly laundered terry-toweling wank sock to provide executive relief to all concerned. Those corporate blue balls are a real killer.

Massive Infection: 20 Cities to Contract Menomena

Alert the Hazmat Teams, alert the mayors, alert FEMA (hah), alert your grandma, and alert Homeland Security, because 20 cities across the U.S. and one in Canada will receive Menomena via a misleading tour van. The infection will spread between May 11 and July 22, leaving poor old Troutdale, OR in the wake of its destructive path. I called my local disease control office about Menomena, and here are some tips I received from them:

- If gig posters start showing up for a band named Menomena, take charge and inform the proper authorities.

- If you hear hipsters on the streets talking about Menomena's new album, which came out this year on Barsuk Records, stop them, pretend to be a tourist, and snap pictures of them. Send them to Homeland Security and they will be able to take proper action against the deviants.

- If you see white earphones on someone who looks like one of the hipsters above, stop them and ask them if you can look at the screen on their iPod. If anywhere it says "Menomena," then you should immediately confiscate their MP3 gadget and deliver it to the nearest law-enforcement office. Recommend the person from whom you to took the iPod to get themselves to a hospital as soon as possible. Do not listen to the music. We repeat; do not listen to the music.

- Do not follow a crowd of people into a booby-trapped Menomena concert. You may hear faint noises from outside of the venue that will speak to your ears with eclectic pop rock with electronic flavoring, but do not enter. What you are hearing is designed by the disease to draw you in so it may claim your brain. After the show, you may also see people walking out with t-shirts that say 'Menomena'; do not fall for this; these people are zombies now.

After giving me these helpful tips and forcing me to consent verbally that I wouldn't attend a Menomena concert, they decided to share with me the dates of a so-called "tour":

Dry-Raping 14-Year Olds Still Not Cool With Verizon, Even If Your Name Is Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam (Akon Wants To Fuck You, You Already Know)

Mr. “Lonely” is in Trouble and has been Konvicted for “Smack[ing] That” “Pot Of Gold.” See, he tried to “Shake Down” a “Ghetto” “Belly Dancer,” hoping that it “Don’t Matter” that she was a “Nubile 14-Year Old Girl Whose Father Is A Pastor.”

Since you're at TMT, I'm going to go out on a limb and say you probably didn't know that the last paragraph was cleverly woven together from song and album titles of contemporary “R&B” “artist” Akon. He's that robotic Kofi-Annan-with-Auto-Tune voice droning over the hook of the terrible rap song you heard the last time you walked past a Foot Locker.

Last month, during a concert in Trinidad, Akon held a “fake” dance competition onstage, which was really only fake if you don’t consider “being humped all over the stage by Akon” to be a prize. The controversial part is, the girl to whom the aforementioned prize was awarded turned out to be 14 years old. To be fair, she had snuck past the club’s 18+ age requirement, and a quick DIY YouTube search for “Akon” will reveal exactly what you are in for if you attend an Akon concert (you are going to be humped by Akon).

Verizon has officially dropped all support of Akon and will no longer sponsor Gwen Stefani’s Sweet Escapes tour, on which Akon was to be the opening act. In addition, Verizon will no longer offer Akon V CAST videos or ringtones, choosing to limit their selection to wholesome artists like R Kelly.

Dry-Raping 14-Year Olds Still Not Cool With Verizon, Even If Your Name Is Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam (Akon Wants To Fuck You, You Already Know)

Mr. “Lonely” is in Trouble and has been Konvicted for “Smack[ing] That” “Pot Of Gold.” See, he tried to “Shake Down” a “Ghetto” “Belly Dancer,” hoping that it “Don’t Matter” that she was a “Nubile 14-Year Old Girl Whose Father Is A Pastor.”

Since you're at TMT, I'm going to go out on a limb and say you probably didn't know that the last paragraph was cleverly woven together from song and album titles of contemporary “R&B” “artist” Akon. He's that robotic Kofi-Annan-with-Auto-Tune voice droning over the hook of the terrible rap song you heard the last time you walked past a Foot Locker.

Last month, during a concert in Trinidad, Akon held a “fake” dance competition onstage, which was really only fake if you don’t consider “being humped all over the stage by Akon” to be a prize. The controversial part is, the girl to whom the aforementioned prize was awarded turned out to be 14 years old. To be fair, she had snuck past the club’s 18+ age requirement, and a quick DIY YouTube search for “Akon” will reveal exactly what you are in for if you attend an Akon concert (you are going to be humped by Akon).

Verizon has officially dropped all support of Akon and will no longer sponsor Gwen Stefani’s Sweet Escapes tour, on which Akon was to be the opening act. In addition, Verizon will no longer offer Akon V CAST videos or ringtones, choosing to limit their selection to wholesome artists like R Kelly.

Barenaked Ladies Benefit Show Disrupted By Wandering Drunk Who Misinterpreted The Concert Bill But Decided To Giver ‘Er a Tug Anyway

Steve Page of The Barenaked Ladies claims that barenaked ladies are his favorite people to look at. Years after starting the band, Page claimed the only reason he named the band The Barenaked Ladies was so he could look at barenaked ladies all day, and no one would think he had a problem with looking at too many barenaked ladies. His plan worked flawlessly... until today.

Under the moniker of Captain Banarama, Steve Page has declared the archaic music-pricing model useless. You know, that style of music pricing the old farts at the RIAA like to champion. You know, sales based on some kind of tangible product instead of an all-encompassing license-based distribution model where you pay a flat rate every month to download what you want, completely unencumbered. It sounds like a pretty swell deal to me, this whole flat-rate monthly deal, and Steve Page of The Barenaked Ladies, who also happens to enjoy looking at barenaked ladies, agrees. In fact, you could claim the idea came from him, because he was talking about it a week or so ago, and Ars Technica was writing what he was saying down, and they wrote it out again, but neater, on their website (of sorts), and then I read it and disregarded it and came up with a cooler story with robots and ninjas that I'm not letting you read. Instead, you get to read this, which I've decided to write while taking a dump.

Crazy how the big news world happens, eh? I always thought it would be a little more glamorous, you know... working in a office with a water cooler, and a cute little blond down in accounting that won't even give me the time of day.

  

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