STNNNG GVE TH FNGR T VWLS, My Cousin gets Sarienistics

When my cousin first told me about STNNNG, I laughed. My usually eloquent relative had seemingly devolved before my eyes to spit out the word "stunning" like a kid with sarienistic syndrome. I asked him if it was necessary to say the band name that quickly, and he just replied with “STNNNG!” like a cheap rip-off of Timmy from South Park. I had a dinner that night with his side of the family and made up my mind to tell my aunt about my discovery. At first, like any parent completely devoted to her only child, she denied any existence of sarienistic disease. So I called on Rich, my cousin, and held a quick interview in front of my aunt to get my point across.

Me: Rich, what is your favorite band these days?

Rich: STNNNG!

Me: Are you going to see them May fourth?

Rich: TRF CLB!

Me: Are they touring to support an album, Rich?

Rich: FKE FKE!

After that last question, my aunt yelled for us to stop, and I could see her eyes were beginning to water. I took her in my arms and began to sing and gently rock her back and forth. She asked me how this could happen, in addition to millions of other questions that were best left for the doctor. I kissed her on the cheek and then found my way to her lips. We fooled around a bit in the living room while Rich played Guitar Hero. He occasionally yelled out one-syllable nothings, but I think my aunt had finally come to terms with his condition and didn’t let it bother her too much.

Me: Whom do we have to thank for this discovery, Rich?

Rich: STNNNG!

NW TH STNNNG TR DTS:
03.31.07 - Eau Claire, WI - House of Rock w/ Drunk Drivers, Belles of Skin City
04.04.07 - St. Paul, MN - Turf Club w/ NOXAGT, Ghostdad, Neglected Receptors
04.14.07 - Minneapolis, MN - Triple Rock Social Club w/ comedian Doug Stanhope
04.20.07 - Lawrence, KS - Replay Lounge w/ You'll Be a Torso
04.21.07 - Norman, OK - The Deli w/ The Purple Cow Story
04.22.07 - Houston, TX - The Mink w/ The Kimonos
04.23.07 - Denton, TX - Secret Headquarters
04.24.07 - San Antonio, TX - Rock Bottom Tattoo Bar
04.25.07 - Austin, TX - Emo's w/ Oh, Beast! and Red X Red M
04.26.07 - Memphis, TN - Gibson Lounge (not confirmed)
04.27.07 - Nashville, TN - Springwater w/ To Live and Shave in L.A., Apollo Up!
04.28.07 - Belleville, IL - Ground Floor w/ The Conformists
04.29.07 - Dubuque, IA - Busted Lift w/ The Blind Shake

Fennesz Tours A Bunch Of Places You Don’t Live

Oh, boy! Oh, boyohboyohboy. It's that time of year again! Fennesz, the Atomic Austrian, Noise's Nobility, the Fuhrer of Feedback (uh, scratch that one), is on tour again, with Christian Fennesz' Fennocalypse 2007: The Fennal Reckoning (On Ice)! And yes, boys, he's bringing the Fenneszettes!

Those who experienced (or should I say survived!!!) Son Of Fennocalypse 2005 will know exactly what to expect. Holding on to the roof of a flaming monster truck with one hand, busting out massive solos on a Flying V with the other, he'll launch off a ramp (which is also on fire) and land on a custom-built stage covered in pagan iconography and the tour's sponsors' logos (Microsoft, Kinko's>, and his official baked goods sponsor, Dunkin' Donuts). Firing rockets from his gee-tar, he'll immediately launch into one of his huge hits -- most likely "Endless Summer (Of Rock)" or "Rivers Of Sand (On Fire, With Snakes Coming Out Of Them, And Naked Chicks And Stuff)."

Once that's done with, he'll invite his audience to be seated and experience some of his freeform spoken word art, influenced by the work of Bishop Berkeley, interpretations of the Voynich Manuscript and Dunkin' Donuts' new limited-edition Maple Cheddartm breakfast sandwich. At the end of this four-hour performance, a dragon (provided by Weta Workshop; sponsored by Mountain Dew) will rise from the rear of the stage; Fennesz will fight it off with a sword fashioned from the vertebrae of Yamatsuka Eye, Tim Hecker, and Dominik Fernow.

Fennesz will close the set with a medley of covers of showtunes from Grease, Fame, and The Lion King. This has in the past proven to be so awesome that audience members' heads have exploded, so better bring some waterproof clothing! After frenzied screams for an encore, he'll walk back on wearing nothing but a jewel-encrusted loincloth and with a very special guest -- God! After trading licks for a few minutes, Fennesz will bust out a 20-minute guitar solo of such awesome perfection that God will have no choice but to hand over the keys to creation itself. Fennesz will turn him down, declaring himself to be "nothing but a humble noisesmith" and giving God a delicious Dunkin' Donuts Chocolate Coconut Cake Donut and a copy of cendre, his second collaborative album with Ryuichi Sakamoto released this month by Commmons, as a peace offering.

And that's just the first night!

Christian Fenessz' Fennocalypse 2007: The Fennal Reckoning (On Ice), being set in Belgium and Lithuania and everything, is a little, er, out of the way for most of you (apart from you, Gediminas 'akaitien'! Say hiya!), but count yourself lucky. If Lithuania didn't work out, Fennesz was planning on the inky blackness of outer space. He can breathe in space, because he's better than you.

Spoon Me After Your Spring Tour Please

I don't ask for much, honey. I do your laundry, feed the kitty cats, give you those back massages you like so much. Heck, I even made you
your favorite beef stew twice in one week, not one month ago. I tuck
the youngins in at night, and I perform for you in the bedroom as best
I can, so this shouldn't come as such a shock, with that big ol'
question mark on your face there. You hear me, Britt Daniel? Now I'm
not fooling around: I demand some Spoonin.'

It's a natural act, don't you see? The human body's all gangly and awkward enough where you can't sit in one chair for too long without
getting some serious cramps. But I tell you, I could Spoon for days on
end. You just give me the hand signal, Britt, and I will call in to
work and say something's come up and I won't even be lying, because I
tell you I'll be Spooning, and that's not something you take lightly.
Here we are in scenic Portland; you're back from a nice little tour
over yonder, and I've been waiting long enough for the kind of
Spoonin' I know my man can deliver, like he's been delivering up and
down the East Coast.

Oh don't think I didn't hear about that. I ain't as thick as you look,
and I suggest you stop lookin' a gift horse in the mouth like Poppa
Daniel told you when you were still impressionable and not the kind of
two-timing Spoon addict you've turned into as of late. I've seen those
pictures, Britt, with you and everyone else at that Starlight
Ballroom, lying there together on the floor, wrapping arms around
bellies and the like... you make a career out of that position on the
sly, and yet when you get home to your one true inamorata, you act
like a piece of no-good, flimsy plywood.

Now I'm going to lay down on this here bed and turn away from you, and
you can either walk out that door or else you can buck up and be a goddang man and Spoon me 'til Merge releases your new album in July.

Tracklist:

1. Don't Make Me A Target
2. The Ghost Of You Lingers
3. You Got Yr Cherry Bomb
4. Don't You Evah
5. Rhthm And Soul
6. Eddie's Ragga
7. The Underdog
8. My Little Japanese Cigarette Case
9. Finer Feelings
10. Black Like Me

Neil Young’s Shit List: Factory Farms, George W. Bush, and Most Recently, Breast Cancer

Attention, ladies! Wanna be Neil Young's new Cinnamon Girl and do your part for a righteous cause in one fell swoop? Here's the deal: As long as you can scratch out a tune AND you're part of your local Open Mic Night circuit, you can land a spot on Cinnamon Girl - Women Artists Cover Neil Young. All proceeds from the record, which includes covers from the Watson Twins and Jill Sobule, go directly to Casting For Recovery, a national non-profit support and educational program for women who have or have survived breast cancer. The comp is set to be released on American Laundromat Records, and the lucky amateur lady will go home with a shiny new axe from Daisy Rock, a guitar joint that prides itself on crafting girl-friendly musical gear.

Honestly, after reading a book about Farm Aid, I'm about two seconds from recording "Heidi Vanderslice Sings (TMT Exclusive!) - The Kid-Rock-Will-Probably-Outlive-Neil-Young-Blues."

More about the contest here.

Help Mono Fight the Likes of The Apples in Stereo, Stereo Total, The Stereophonics, Stereolab, er, the Duophonic label… The Quadrajets Too, I Guess

Yes! Mono is coming to North America AGAIN for a nice, long tour. That will be right before the "kissing disease" of the same name arrives to plague parts of the continent. That mono is the one that sidelines the high school girl for a couple of summer months, the one who works at Sunglass Hut and who swaps spit with the dude who has a 1995 sky-blue Buick Skylark who pitches a tent in his jodhpurs some night outside the 7-11 (Jodhpurs? Well, how the hell am I supposed to know what degenerates who drive Skylarks wear these days?) who in turn rubs up against the girl with invisible braces who is always wearing those awful mauve jeans who hooks up with the all-star quarterback and his offensive line at the "Time to Party Hard and Get Effed Up Large-Time, Losers!" kegger. Both monos seem to arrive every year without fail. One is way more enjoyable to experience. The other is a Japanese quartet with a penchant for beautifully tense sounds. Baaaa-zing!

The sound-pounding gods (and bass goddess Tamaki of course) will certainly be playing a lot of tracks on this upcoming tour off of their latest Albini-engineered album called You Are There (TMT Review) that was released in ought-six on Temporary Residence plus loads of fan faves from their heavy back catalog of inspirational, cacophonous sludge. Mono does tour a lot, but this time around the support comes from some true stars: World's End Girlfriend, The Drift, and Grails (and Kinski too, but only for the Seattle show). Now the only thing stopping you from seeing some spectacular live bands is a needless glandular infection. It might be best to err on the side of caution and stay inside and play solo, or mono, until the show

04.12.07 - Cambridge, MA - Middle East Downstairs #
04.13.07 - Montréal, Quebec - La Sala Rossa #
04.14.07 - Buffalo, NY - Soundlab #
04.15.07 - Pittsburgh, PA - Carnegie Mellon University #
04.16.07 - Cleveland, OH - Grog Shop #
04.17.07 - Columbus, OH - Little Brothers #
04.18.07 - Louisville, KY - Headliners Music Hall #
04.19.07 - Dekalb, IL - The House Café #
04.20.07 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle #
04.21.07 - Minneapolis, MN - Triple Rock Club #
04.24.07 - Bellingham, WA - The Nightlight Lounge #
04.25.07 - Seattle, WA - Neumo's %
04.26.07 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge #
04.27.07 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall #
04.28.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Troubadour #
04.29.07 - San Diego, CA - Casbah #
04.30.07 - Tucson, AZ - Plush #
05.02.07 - Denton, TX - Hailey's #
05.03.07 - Austin, TX - Emo's Jr. $
05.04.07 - Houston, TX - Mink $
05.05.07 - Baton Rouge, LA - Spanish Moon $
05.07.07 - Orlando, FL - The Social $
05.08.07 - Jacksonville, FL - TSI $
05.09.07 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree $
05.10.07 - Atlanta, GA - The Earl $
05.11.07 - Mt. Pleasant, SC - The Village Tavern $
05.12.07 - Chapel Hill, NC - Local 506 $
05.13.07 - Charlottesville, VA - Satellite Ballroom $
05.14.07 - Baltimore, MD - Ottobar $
05.15.07 - Washington, DC - Rock and Roll Hotel $
05.16.07 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church $
05.17.07 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom $

# World's End Girlfriend and The Drift

% Kinski, World's End Girlfriend, and The Drift

$ World's End Girlfriend and Grails

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