Straight from the Presiden’t Desk: Sonic Youth to Record Exclusive Song for Starbucks; Hell Freezes Over

In a recent exclusive AIM interview with the President of the United States of America, Thurston Moore told the Oval Office that Starbucks will be releasing a new Sonic Youth compilation album with an exclusive song and a tracklist made up of celebrities like Portia de Rossi and Michelle Williams' favorite Sonic Youth tunes.

Here's the interview:

GeorgieNhizBush: Yeeeeehawww! Hey, Thurston, how the %^*# have you been?! LOL

apatheticAnDproud38: Hey Georgie! Whut's ^ foo'? I just mailed u a mix tape <3

GeorgieNhizBush: NMU? Thirsty, The Pentagon and I jest decided to seize the Greenland ice cap and blow it up, so we can keep selling SUV's and not worry 'bout dem caps meltin'!

apatheticAnDproud38: Aw shit, I love my SUV. It's got SO MANY CUPHOLDERS!!! ;)

GeorgieNhizBush: Yep. Wana get some joe?? Er some oil?? I sure do luuuuvs oil! $$$

apatheticAnDproud38: Nah dood, I just drank dis new hot-chocolate-mega-mocha-kappa-gamma-frothy-ass-latte from STARBUCKS!!© Oh, speaking of STARBUCKS!!©...

GeorgieNhizBush: ...Uhm, Thirsty, how come ya keep typin up dat copyright thingy-ding when ya say Starbucks??

apatheticAnDproud38: They pay me everytime I do it!

apatheticAnDproud38: ANYWAY! STARBUCKS!!© is gonna have Sonic Youth CDs on the counter with the biscotti and the Dixie Chicks CD real soon!

apatheticAnDproud38: We're getting a buncha hot babes to pick all the songs from our back catalog for it, and we're recording an exclusive song for it too, 'cos we know that all our biggest fans are also incidentally STARBUCKS© frequenters!

GeorgieNhizBush: YEEHAW!!! I LUV STARBUCKS! ..Got n e good porn?

Dark Meat Pack Up Drumsticks and Wing Their Way Northward for Tender, Juicy Tour

You know something? Dark meat always gets a pretty bad wrap, man. Sure, you can get those giant turkey legs at County Fairs and such, but as beautiful of a sight as that is, it's generally more due to sheer portability and inherent "pirate factor" than anything else, I think. (n.b. I, myself, must confess to getting into many-a-pirate-themed sword fight with friends using the aforementioned giant legs of Turkey when I went to Disney World back in High School. And this was BEFORE Johnny Depp made pirates badass again)

And yeah, sports aficionados have been known to get-down on a plate or two of wings, while they're huddled around the ol' LCD flatscreen with friends and neighbors. But that hardly counts; those things are so covered in tangy marinades, chunky dressings, and tongue-fucking spices that the chicken is little more than a conduit for the heart-clogging condiments.

It's sad but true. Fact is, if given the choice, just about everybody everywhere would opt for the white meat when feasting on fatted fowls of any kind. The dark meat's usually the first thing to go whenever a turkey is carved up on Thanksgiving, and face it: if a burger joint sold a chicken patty sandwich made of dark meat (I think I had one from a Hardees in a rest stop once, actually), the patrons would be heading for the nearest Wendy's in a hurry. Dark meat usually just gets kind of a raw deal.

Until Now, that is.

Athens Georgia's own Dark Meat (a.k.a. Dark Meat Vomit Lasers Family Band/Galaxy... don't ask) are trying their damnedest to turn things around for the much-maligned legs and wings of the world. This 18-piece (or so) order of psych-fried, backwoods, secular-gospel howlers is gonna be representin' big time over the next few months, when they peck their way into just about every venue in America they could fit into in a single summer, spreading their down-home goodness all over a city near you to promote their recent raucous release, Univeral Indians (Orange Twin). 18+ musicians all on the road at once?? Man, it's gotta be a pain for all of them to exit when one guy's gotta go to the bathroom!

So, if you're not doing anything this summer (maybe because you're unemployable due to the fact you smoke as much these cats do?), feel free to grab one of those turkey legs from the County Fair, hold it up high, and march on over to the Dark Meat show. Who knows? Maybe you can use it as a weapon like I did and get some free merch... or arrested... either one, really...

Finger lickin' dates:

Os Mutantes Overcome Differences for Second Summer in a Row, Offer Cheezy Grins, Please Critics

Rumors abound as to why Os Mutantes, the seminal Brazilian tropicalia group, disbanded in the 1970s. One of the least pervasive, yet most convincing rumors:

Arnaldo Baptista decided the band would play a different brand of guitars and urged his brother Sergio Baptista, "From now on, we will play Gibson, the guitars of Jimmy Page."

Sergio, preferring a different make of guitar — presumably Fender — simply would not have it, and Arnaldo was subsequently sent into a catatonic downward spiral, later requiring institutionalization. The brothers underwent a typical Noel-Liam (Gallagher) rivalry for many several years until Sergio decided to let bygones be bygones.

In an act of brotherly kinship, Sergio invited Arnaldo to dinner, whereupon Arnaldo witnessed wall upon wall lined with Fender guitars. Arnaldo lost it again, once again requiring institutionalization.

Last summer, Arnaldo, after seeing the decrepit state of the once virile Jimmy Page, saw it fit to reform Os Mutantes. American audiences were able to view for the first time Arnaldo's wispy tendrils blowing in the Chicago night, his hammy grin showcasing years of near-insanity in New York City, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, Denver, and Miami alike.

Though publications such as the Chicago Tribune suggest last year's appearance at Pitchfork Music Festival was one of the top ten live music moments of the year, the audience seemed in on the sarcasm involved in a three-decades-in-the-making reunion. In other words, it was relieving that the festival was ending, the reunion much akin to seeing Lynyrd Skynyrd or The Police. It seems like a good idea; you're glad to experience it, but...

Os Mutantes will release Everything is Possible later this year, a reissue of 1999's greatest hits collection, available through David Byrne's label, Luaka Bop, where an alternative biography may be viewed.

Arnaldo's grinnin' on showcase at these fine American metropolises:

GG Allin Has a Small Penis – That’s Right, I Said It; MVD to release “Special Edition” DVD this August

So, this one time, an angel visited Merle Allin Sr. in his sleep and told him his son would be a great man. Like the Messiah. So, the dude names his first kid Jesus Christ Allin. Splendid, right? Then his mom changed his name to Kevin. GG, a.k.a. Jesus, a.k.a. Kevin (whatever) went on to front GREAT bands like The Scumfucs, The Texas Nazis, The AIDS Brigade, The Fuckin Shitbiscuits, The Swanfucks, The Toilet Rockers, and The Drug Whores, to name but a few. What's-his-face died in 1993 of an overdose after a show, probably in a pool of his own vomit and shit, just as he liked it.

A YouTube search of "GG Allin" will already provide you with all you need to ever see from the "shock artist." But still think pooping on yourself is cool and want to see more? Well, if that's the case, then you can run out and spend your allowance on HATED, a 60-minute GG Allin Special Edition DVD of him shitting on himself and teabagging poor girls in the audience, to be released August 7 through MVD Visual.

It gets better: MVD promoted a cover art contest for this "Special Edition" DVD. The entries are "very graphic in nature" (quite laughable) and can be viewed here.

In addition to three music videos and commentary tracks by Todd Phillips, Merle Allin, and Dino Sex, the DVD contains exclusive interviews with Allin and Arleta Gunther (GG's mom.) If that weren't enough, be one of the first 5,000 to own this DVD, and you'll have a chance to get a poster of GG's portrait by John Wayne Gacy (because serial killing is cool) AND GG ALLIN TEMPORARY TATTOOS!!! I presume they will be poop tattoos you can smear all over your face. At least I hope so.

"HATED," highlights the featuring "hits":

Sleater-Kinney to Release Retrospective DVD; My Heart Still Broken

The last time I really thought about Sleater-Kinney breaking up, I was at one of their last shows in NYC last Summer. Since then, it's been buried deep, deep down in my most repressed of memories. But this morning, out of curiosity, I went and poked around to reminisce a bit and to see if anything was up.

According to their website, SK are compiling a DVD and VHS video for a retrospective that will surely bring a reminiscent tear to our eyes. SK are asking that you kindly send copies of any footage you might have of them to them, in an attempt to "make a complete visual artifact, leaving no stone unturned."

No solid details about the release of this retrospective have been released as of yet, and the band promises not to use your footage without your permission. Upon release, we expect thousands upon thousands to curl up with some popcorn and a soda (and probably a box of tissues or two.)

Send your eye candy here:

College-Age Pink Floyd Fans Name August 28 Honorary 4:20 in Spirit of {Piper at the Gates of Dawn}’s Reissue; EMI to Take Financial Advantage of Bros Everywhere; Or Look Behind You, Prospective Buyer! It’s a Chick Who Digs Guitar Players… Oh, No, Sorry, That’s Just the Back of a Young Roger Waters

Time to spark up a collective doobie, rhythm-guitar-strumming, chick-digging, sweat-stained Bros of America!

Spotting an opportunity to earn a quick buck at the expense of cool dads and rookie stoners everywhere, EMI will re-release Pink Floyd’s Piper at the Gates of Dawn August 28, honoring the 40th anniversary of the Syd Barrett-dropping, LSD-popping band’s psych rock debut. Apparently, the box set includes three discs -- both a stereo and mono version of Piper at the Gates of Dawn, plus one disc of “rare” B-sides and demos, available to all who purchase said album and probably to those who send emails to EMI riddled with virtual winking, cough-coughing, and Benjamin-slipping (or Washington, depending on how you roll) in the rare case that a prospective buyer’s just too busy to head out to a record store, with obligations like:

(a) playing with da’ band for a love of music, made evident through shirtless solos and closed-door sessions with groupies who can’t keep their hands to themselves;

(b) coaching his son’s little league game;

(c) smoking a blunt and playing Guitar Hero;

(d) smoking two blunts and playing Guitar Hero II;

to purchase a copy before they... sell out... ?

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH: Packaging was designed by Floyd-a-licious collaborator Storm Thorgerson, which includes reproductions of stuff from Syd Barrett’s notebook.

AND, I’M ONLY TELLING YOU THIS BECAUSE WE’RE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS: Rumor has is that 50 box sets distributed randomly in record stores across America include (laced) vintage temporary tattoos, that when licked, will certainly kick a ruby slipper-ed foot in the ass of that time you and your buddies watched The Wizard of Oz with the sound off and jammed out to The Dark Side of the Moon after smoking a blunt and playing Guitar Hero.

You’ll feel music, man, you’ll feel it.