Tied to Terrorism: Chris Walla Claims Innocence, Death Cab Lyrics Beg to Differ
By Elzee on 10-18-2007
Unfortunately for Death Cab for Cutie lead guitarist Chris Walla, his four-years-in-the-making solo album Field Manual hit a snag on the home stretch. Speaking to MTV, after finishing recording:
"Barsuk Records hired a courier to bring the album back from Canada. And he got to the border and he had all his paperwork, only they turned him away, and they confiscated the drive and gave it to the computer-forensics division of Homeland Security …And now I couldn't even venture a guess as to where it is, or what it's doing there… I don't know if we can hire an attorney. Is there a black-hole attorney? You can't take a black hole to court."
You know who can take a black hole to court? Chuck Norris. In an effort to settle the dispute, I've turned to an impartial source of evidence: the lyrics from Walla's main band. Sure, he didn't write them, but he still could have, at any time, stopped the release of immoral subject matter. But did he? No.
Number of DCFC songs mentioning:
- death: 8
- dismemberment: 5
- things burning: 3
- booze: 11
- Jesus: 0
Not to mention the fact that the "rocks left in both of our shoes" line from "Soul Meets Body" are clearly explosives.
Such incriminating evidence makes me happy that our tax dollars are hard at work catching terrorists working under the guise of independent recording artists. Good job, Homeland Security. I feel a lot safer at night, now that you've stopped this imminent threat to our nation's welfare.
Frog Eyes to Tour Europe; Hooray for Hollywood!
By David Nadelle on 10-18-2007
In today’s “Star Talk” feature, four megastars from the critically-adored (really?) and commercial feel-good monster hit of the summer, Ocean's 13 -- George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Don Cheadle, and Matt Damon -- show off their human sides as they answer questions from the press about the music they relax with while kicking back at home.
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Serious journalist: So guys. What kind of music do you find yourselves listening to lately?
Clooney: Tony Bennett. Tony Roma. Tony Robooomba, Tony Toni Toné... Dean Martin, Martin Short, Sinatras, both senior and junior. Hey, did you know that people refer to us as the new “Rat Pack”? Hey Sammy! [shouting at Cheadle] Grab us a couple of Rob Roys, will ya?
Cheadle [muttering under his breath]: Oh shut the fuck up, you ass... you’ll get yours soon enough...
TMT hump (crawling from beneath the makeshift bar wearing underwear overtop of jeans): Hic... Do any of you like Frog Eyes?
Pitt: Frog Eyes? I was getting some of those from a chick at the Paris premiere!
Clooney (grabbing Pitt around the shoulders): Ha, ha, ha, ha... I love this guy! THIS IS THE GUY!
TMT hack (urinating into flowerpot): Um, anyway... Frog Eyes. Yeah, the ass-punching Victoria band will be playing a bunch of shows in Europe.
[Your trusty TMT newsie then passes around a list of Frog Eyes’ European tourdates scribbled out on bar napkins to everyone except Clooney, who recoils and claims to be deathly afraid of catching “averageness” from a “commoner.”]
Damon: Great. I may just check one of those shows out if I’m around. I really liked their last album Tears of the Valedictorian (TMT Review).
Cheadle: Yes, thanks for the head’s up. I’ve been a Frog Eyes fan since for years and just picked up the expanded reissues of The Golden River and The Bloody Hand. They are a wonderful live band.
Pitt: Why can’t everybody just bumble be, instead of bumble do?
Clooney: Yes! Yes! YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!
[Damon and Cheadle look puzzled and uncomfortable. Pitt sits with an idiotic grin like he just won the Nobel Prize for “Quips.” Clooney is collapsed and convulsing in a pool of drool.]
Serious journalist: How has George been to work with since his big Oscar win.
Damon [jovially]: Well, he's been a bit more of a taskmaster since he won that Oscar -- he, he....
Clooney [shooting daggers at Damon]: WELL, AT LEAST I’VE WON ONE FOR MY ACTING... WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE YOU PIECE OF PISS?!?!
Pitt [pretends to strip]: “Yikes, it's getting hott in herre... so take off all my clothes....”
Clooney: You are gold, my friend. Gold! Where's Sammy with a song and dance when I need one!? Get over here “Candyman!”
[Cheadle takes out revolver, blows away Clooney, pistol-whips Pitt, leaves the press conference, and walks into the moonlight holding Damon’s hand. They share a kiss as E.T. and Elliott fly overhead on a BMX.]
Tours of the Valedictorians:
* Deerhunter
