Tenacious D Take Pity on Neil Hamburger and Invite Him on Tour; Six Fans Rejoice

Dealing with a new man of the house is always a struggle for the children. In this week's episode of Bridging the Gap, step-grandfather Cyril (likes: "the three Ws: walnuts, westerns, and Welk") tries to bond with his new teenage grandson "Dagger" (nee Douglas):

[Our scene starts with Step-Gramps slowly shuffling into the basement rec-room after spending the last hour being lost in the laundry room.]

Cyril: (looking at Tenacious D playing on the television) There's ointment to treat that now, you know.

Dagger: (deadly still, glancing sideward derisively) Hrff.

Cyril: What movie's this, Fat and Fatter?

Dagger: Good one, Old Spice. It's Tenacious D. They’re friggin' hilarious.

Scene switches to Neil Hamburger, on TV.

Neil Hamburger: And why won't disgraaaaaced rock vocalist Courtney Love be having any craaaaanberry sauce for Christmas dinner this year? Ccccchhhhhhhhhhh! No Craaaaaanberry sauce to go along with the candied ham? No craaaaaanberry sauce to go along with the green beans... cccchhhheeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaa! Gramma's peach cobbler, huh, huh? It was reported today that she won't be having any Christmas dinner at all. She will have died by then of a heroin overdose..."

Cyril: ("neer beer" spewing from his nose) Now this is more like it! Hahahahahaaaaa! Who is this delightfully damp squib?

Dagger: Oh, you’re still here. That's Neil Hamburger. Listen, make with the "giving me cash routine" or go play canasta or something. I want to buy tickets to see Tenacious D live. This guy (sneering towards the TV) is opening the current tour for them.

Cyril: Well that playbill should be the other way around! Where's me corncob pipe at?

Neil Hamburger: And why did God, in his infinite wisdom... create Domino's Pizza? Well, to punish humanity for their complacency for letting the holocaust happen...

Cyril: Ha, ha... helter skelter; that's funny! Hahahahahaha... (coughs, clears throat, spits on basement floor) Who is this?

Dagger: It's NEIL HAMBURGER! I think he's got some sort of DVD out now on Drag City. A DVD machine is an invention that let's you play digital video formats. Apparently he thinks he has graduated from America's Funnyman to The World's Funnyman. He sucks.

Cyril: What the... digitalis? I remember 'Smilin' Sonny Viscount, the third, back at the old Cow Palace... he did a shtick — do you kids still call it that? — about having blue-balls and getting a gummer from Sadie Hawkins and hitchin' his pants to the saloon door at the old riders market. My word son, that had me guffawing for by-on two or three days!

Dagger: (in typical over-dramatic, family-tension scenario) I'm NOT your son! Or your grandson! You can't order me to do ANYTHING!!!

Neil Hamburger: I went to see an aromatherapist the other day...and she had bad breath.

Cyril: He, he, heeeeee! Furburger, you've stolen a piece of my heart!

Dagger: Ugh... MOM?!?!

Cyril: (slapping his knee) Yes, yes... talk to the Ham, talk-to-the-Ham!

Dagger: Are you having a stroke or sumthin'?

Cyril: You little ragamuffin! I'm not that hard of hearing, you know. I won't stand for this.

Dagger: I'm surprised your knees haven't given out already. You've been standing for 20 seconds now.

Cyril: A house divided against itself cannot stand. I'm off to tip seven cents on a coffee at the mall. Give me a call when your balls drop. 23 skidoo...

Dagger: Yeah, buzz off, buzzard.

[End of scene and series (due to poor ratings and poorer writing).]

Picks of destiny... which is to tour with Neil Hamburger:

11.17.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Gibson Amphitheater
11.18.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Gibson Amphitheater
11.20.06 - San Francisco, CA - Bill Graham Civic Auditorium
11.22.06 - Denver, CO - The Fillmore
11.24.06 - Chicago, IL - UIC Pavilion
11.25.06 - Detroit, MI - Masonic Temple Theatre
11.27.06 - Toronto, Ontario - Ricoh Coliseum
11.28.06 – Boston, MA – The Orpheum
11.29.06 - Camden, NJ - Tweeter Center
12.01.06 - New York, NY - Madison Square Garden
12.02.06 - Atlantic City, NJ - Borgata Casino
12.03.06 - Washington, DC - Patriot Centre
12.05.06 - Atlanta, GA - Gwinnett Center Arena
12.10.06 - Dublin, Ireland - RDS Arena
12.11.06 - Glasgow, Scotland - SECC
12.12.06 - Manchester, England - Manchester Evening News Arena
12.15.06 - Birmingham, England - NEC Arena
12.17.06 - Brighton, England - Brighton Centre
12.18.06 - London, England - Hammersmith Apollo
12.19.06 - London, England - Hammersmith Apollo
01.16.07 – Bellingham, WA – Chiribin’s #
01.20.07 – Portland, OR – Doug Fir Lounge #
01.21.07 - Eugene, OR – WOW Hall #

* w/ Tenacious D
# w/ Pleaseeasaur

Newsfeed