“That’s All, Folks!” Warner Considers Going Private

Apparently Kid Rock just ain't sellin like he used to these days.

According to a New York Post report last week, Warner Music (yes, the home of such major leaguers as Madonna and the Bullgod himself) is giving serious consideration to swan-divin' it down the proverbial rabbit hole that is Private Ownership to avoid the very same bungling but tenacious hunter that has been whomping many other wascally major label wabbits: falling stock prices, negative sentiment for the industry, and a steady decline of CD sales, all of which are, according to Warner's Understatements Department, "frustrating the company's financial backers."

The news follows a decision by rival EMI Group Plc to accept a private-equity buyout after that company and Warner spent several years flirting (platonically) with the idea of a merger or takeover.

But don't start blogging away about the impending fall of the industry just yet (well... okay, go ahead), because the going-private discussion at Warner Music is, according to Warner's Carefully Worded Vagaries Department, "understood to be in its infancy." Awww, and who doesn't love a cute, little baby?? Uh, but all images of adorable infants aside, Warner Music shares have lost more than 50% of their value in the past year. That's one-half, kids. Ain't nothin' cute about that.

"And what about the whole Digital Music pony?" you ask. Welllllll, let's just say that she won't be keeping the bread in Warner's mouth anytime soon. Last Tuesday, the company posted a wider-than-expected quarterly loss as growth in digital revenue failed to make up for declining CD sales, sending its shares down as much as 10% -- a new low.

In 2004, Time Warner Inc. sold the music company for $2.6 billion to an investor group led by Thomas H. Lee Partners, Edgar Bronfman, Bain Capital and Providence Equity Partners. These brilliant financial clairvoyants decided to take Warner Music public in 2005. Although, to be fair, the three private equity groups still own about 62% of the company anyway. Still, that's some expensive egg to have on your face

On the plus side, the capsizing company's shares actually rose $1.22 to $11.11 on the New York Stock Exchange when the announcement was made, after trading as high as $11.34 earlier in the session.

That's called irony, I think.

Any Major Dude Will Tell You, Montag Rocks Hard

Oh yes, I know you like reading this wikkid site. Your interest was somewhat piqued by the headline above, and you do have an inquiring mind when it comes to album and tour news, don’tch’yall? Well, I could go on and try to come up with something witty about how marvelous multi-disciplinarian Montag, or Antoine Bédard, will be touring in support of his latest Carpark Records effort Going Places and how he will have a new tour remix EP available at each date called Gone Places that will no doubt knock everybody’s socks off when they hear it, just like all of his previous efforts have, and how he is always approaching that rarely-reached ideal of making “total art” with every new record, blah, blah. That is all true, but that is not what you really want, is it? You want something a bit rougher around the edges. You crave something to get you through the day without having to mete out all sorts of Falling Down-style beatings to the flakes and phonies you encounter on your daily travels. I know! I’m right! Well, here it is. You’re welcome, by the way.

Judas Priest - “Screaming for Vengeance”

Hey listen don't you let 'em get your mind

Fill your brain with orders and that's not right

They're playing at a game that draws you closer

’Til you're living in a world that's ruled by fear

Always takin' baby out that's o.k.

What they're givin' maybe it's out of phase with me

Told you once you're never gonna win the race

Same old no tomorrow kicked in the face

We are screaming for vengeance

The world is a manacled place

Screaming, screaming for vengeance

The world is defiled in disgrace

Tie a blindfold all around your head

Spin you round in the torture before the dread

And then you're pushed and shoved into every corner

Then they lead you out into the final slaughter

As the sweat is running down your neck

All your praying for's to stop you body breakin' up

Oh your heart is pumping gonna soon explode

Got to fight the horror of this mental load

We are screaming for vengeance

The world is a manacled place

Screaming, screaming for vengeance

The world is defiled in disgrace

So you wait it out and bide your time

Rip off that straight jacket gotta break that line

Everyone who wins in the great escape

Leaves a thousand more who suffer in their wake

I don't talk about it but that's alright

Table's turned now there's a revenge in sight

If it takes forever babe I tell ya I can wait

Send them screaming back through their hell's own gate

We are screaming for vengeance

The world is a manacled place

Screaming, screaming for vengeance

The world is defiled in disgrace

Montag’s remix/tour EP called Gone Places...

1. Le Super-flash Bang Statement
2. Safe in Sound (Lullatone remix)
3. Le Musée National des bonheurs qui ne durent pas
4. Cross the River
5. Nord sud est oust
6. Alice (Boy in Static remix)
7. Gong Places

...will be available to at these Montag tourdates:
08.15.07 - San Francisco, CA - Rickshaw Stop *
08.16.07 - Portland, OR - Holocene *
08.17.07 - Eugene, OR - Wow Hall #
08.20.07 - Seattle, WA - Sunset Tavern *
08.21.07 - Missoula, MT - The Badlander #
08.23.07 - Denver, CO - Mercury Cafe *
08.24.07 - Des Moines, IA - Vaudeville Mews *
08.25.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Cactus Club *
08.27.07 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle (free show) *
08.28.07 - Detroit, MI - Scrummage University *
08.29.07 - Cleveland Heights, OH - B-Side Liquor Lounge *
08.30.07 - Hamilton, Ontario - Pepper Jack Cafe *
09.02.07 - Montreal, Quebec - Casa del Popolo *
09.05.07 - Boston, MA - Middle East *
09.06.07 - Brooklyn, NY - Union Hall *
09.07.07 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church *
09.09.07 - Washington, DC - DC9 *

* The One AM Radio & Lymbyc System

# The One AM Radio, Lymbyc System & The Race

Silver Apples Break Hiatus, Tour, Still Pushing for That Lucky Charms Contract After All These Years

Disclaimer: the following story is probably/most likely/is a work of fiction.

The Silver Apples have reunited. Their press release claims a “ten-year” hiatus, but later says it’s only been eight.

“It doesn’t feel that long,” thought now-lone Silver Apple Simeon Coxe, staring at the New York skyline from his bedroom window. “It doesn’t feel that long at all.”

These moments of anticipation couldn’t help but trigger a nostalgic melancholy in Coxe. Here he was, an aging would-be legend, still living in an apartment that would usually be associated with a person half his age and touring with The Moon Upstairs, a group of young musicians whose debut LP had been compared with the likes of George Harrison and Neil Young.

“I should have toured with the genuine articles when I had the chance,” thought Coxe as he took another long, slow sip of his Silver Apple (a concoction he invented himself in 1974, consisting of rum, apple juice, lime juice, and club soda over ice).

Simeon Coxe stared off into the distance for a long time. “I wouldn’t trade it for the world,” he said out loud to no one in particular. He shuddered suddenly, as if trying to shake something off. “It’s been a hell of a ride.” The sun began to set. Coxe finished his drink.

“It’s awfully cold for this time of year,” thought Coxe:

Word Has It That During the Filming of Capote, Philip Seymour Hoffman Only Listened To One Musician; Holly Golightly Brings Rock To Your Doorstep On Fall Tour

This is not Spin's retro-rock. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, The Strokes, and the year 2001 be damned -- take a gander at the real-deal Holyfield. Holly Golightly will go heavy for two fun-filled months on a North American tour that will find her country-fried throwback goodness touching down in venue after venue, from the mountains to the prairies. Sad but true: For the world to understand some warm, analog goodness and the sounds of the Anthology of American Folk Music, you have to slap a gaudy mustache on it, paint it like a candy-cane, and call it a sibling duo. But the fact remains that Ms. Golightly is still most remembered for her album-closing jaunt "Well It's True That We Love One Another" with Jack on The White Stripes LP, Elephant.

Nonetheless, Truman Capote and Audrey Hepburn alike would be more than thrilled to catch a show when it came a-rollin' through their neck of the woods, but it being 2007 and all, it will be up to you to pack 'dem 'der concert halls. Girls rocking garages with a kick and a snarl are a dying breed, but lord knows if Holly's namesake in Breakfast at Tiffany's peeled off her velvet gloves, she'd shred a mean six-string. If I'm not mistaken, she even told us, "I'm like cat here, a no-name slob. We belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us. We don't even belong to each other." Two words: punk rock.

I'm just crazy about Tiffany's:

Amazon Nation Announces Plans to Launch Attack, All Residents of Amie Street Urged to Evacuate Immediately!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled secretive, tabbed internet browsing while the boss isn’t looking to bring you this urgent news bulletin:

To our fellow Americans:

This week, the unthinkable has been realized.

It seems that a particularly impetuous, noticeably agitated, and, in this publication's opinion, incredibly power-hungry group is planning an attack of some kind against the truest, most God-fearing, Freedom-Lovers of this world: Capitalists.

Details are admittedly slim, as we here at TMT were only able to decipher bits and pieces of the radical group’s expertly coded messages. But due to TMT's unbelievable dedication to professional journalism no matter how great the danger, we have managed to uncover secret plans of an apparently gigantic underground syndicate, codenamed "Amazon," who are in the process of planning what can only be described as a massive, web-based attack on Western Civilization’s entire consumer culture in the very near future.

Their target? Music downloaders, the veritable backbone of our great nation's economy.

Their suspected weapon delivery system? Fiendishly competitively priced music downloads made available through a clever legitimate business front: “Amazon.com.”

At this time, little is known about precisely how Amazon plans on implementing this new system when it opens fire on music downloaders later this year. One thing, however, is certain. The base of operations for this nefarious takeover seems be located in a place called "Amie Street," which, according to intelligence reports, is a dynamically priced internet music store that starts every MP3 it sells at the Un-American price of $0.00 and increases that price as a song becomes more popular (up to a maximum of $.98).

Our intelligence suggests that Amazon has been pumping funds into Amie Street lately, allowing the rebel company to flourish and compete with the wholesome, American institution that we all know and love, iTunes. Reports remain unclear as to just how much money Amazon has invested in Amie Street, but one of our agents has uncovered a chilling statement from Amazon despot/SVP of business affairs, which states "Amie Street has a very smart and innovative team... the idea of having customers directly influence the price of songs is an interesting and novel approach to selling digital music."

We are pleased to announce that several Amazon Agents have been captured in recent weeks. However, when they were interrogated about Amazon's plans to incorporate AmieStreet or its sinisterly innovative technology into its own digital music store, which is currently in development, the agents merely laughed and told us that a new pricing model like the one adopted by AmieStreet.com could be the key to overthrowing iTunes and sending prices on all digital music plummeting, which would obviously devastate our proud nation's fragile economy.

According to Amazon's warped mode of thinking, the song-pricing revolution is the result of a divine mandate, which lauds the new system because record labels have been pressuring Apple and iTunes to sell songs at multiple price points rather than all for $.99. Labels, Amazon believes, typically want to charge more for new hits and possibly less for older tunes and music from new, up-and-coming artists.

Needless to say, America, we here at TMT will continue to tirelessly investigate these fateful transpirations, and when Amazon makes its next insidious move, TMT will be there.

May God have mercy on us all.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Internet bullshitting, already in progress...