“There is a Rumbling in my Tummy,” says Boris. Tour.

"What will it be this time? Should I bring weed? Maybe shrooms or acid? Oh shit, what if I had some ecstasy? Fuck that shit, man, just take some crystal meth and die without even knowing." How to make your life more exciting? Maybe even your sex life more exciting? OR! Common first thoughts before going to your first Boris show? (Don't be ashamed; they were mine. For all three.)

I've always wondered why one would want to go to a show if one had to wear earplugs to enjoy it. What drives a person to willingly place themselves in harm's way, solely for the sake of entertainment?! Why is Japan so much cooler than America? Why do people think it is? Where will I go after I die? Why do people order multiple Big Macs and then a large Diet Coke to go with it? When will there be a form of entertainment that combines musical and visual art into one extraordinary form of "uber-art"? The answers for all these questions and more I have found throughout Boris' genre-extensive discography. Leaving these questions for an inferior deity to answer could lead to severe moral decay and oftentimes you will lead a horrible life of skewed perceptions.

Thinking back to my first experience of sludge/doom metal, all I can remember is the sheer volume of amps stacked up — a literal wall of amps. I remember being told to wear earplugs. I remember an enormous tension analogous to riding on a rollercoaster and being at the second-before-the-peak where you can see down, and instead of safely being pulled up before reaching four Gs, you plummet downward through a piano wire attached across your path at just the height to cut your head off (it happened at a Six Flags, I swear), yet you are still aware of yourself and surroundings and you can even still feel the pain when your face gets lost in the sweet, gooey ice-cream spill on the scratchy cement sidewalk. You never recover from the agonizing pain. It's called tinnitus. Regardless of the repercussions, fans of noise, drone, ambient, sludge, doom, stoner metal, and poppy speed metal UNITE! And defend that one album of Boris, which you cherish so dearly, to the ignorant fans of only Boris' Pink [TMT Review]. Because that is not Boris. That is some fucked up, BOSS shit, mang.

Will this sell out?!?!:

09.05.06 – Birmingham, AL – The Bottle Tree
09.06.06 – Athens, GA – Calendonia Lounge %
09.07.06 – Atlanta, GA – The Earl %
09.08.06 – Asheville, NC – The Orange Peel %
09.09.06 – Chapel Hill, NC – Local 506 %
09.10.06 – Baltimore, MD – The Ottobar %
09.11.06 – Brooklyn, NY – North Six %
09.12.06 – New York, NY – Knitting Factory %
09.13.06 – Boston, MA – Middle East %

A WHOLE MONTH IN BETWEEN! THEY COULD BE IN YOUR HOMETOWN! OR ANYWHERE! (actually, they're in Tokyo for three days)
10.12.06 – Seattle, WA – Chop Suey
10.13.06 – Olympia, WA – Manium
10.14.06 – Portland, OR – Satyricon
10.15.06 – Eugene, OR – TBC
10.18.06 – San Francisco, CA – Slim's
10.19.06 – Visalia, CA – Howie and Sons
10.20.06 – Los Angeles, CA – Echoplex

% w/ Pearls and Brass

Sunn 0))) and Boris collaboration Altar tracklist:

1. Etna
2. N.L.T.
3. The Sinking Belle (Blue Sheep)
4. Akuma No Kuma
5. Fried Eagle Mind
6. Blood Swamp

Dear Mika Miko, Do You Like mrboots? Circle Yes or No.

You should really go see Mika Miko. They're this, like, really good, like, punky girl band. They're on Kill Rock Stars, like, this really great label from, like, Washington I think. And they put out this awesome album, CYSLABF, a while ago and it's really killer. Like, it sounds like a combination of, like, no wave and maybe, like, a little bit of The Rezillos or something. These chicks fucking rock, like, so what do you think, are you going to go? What do you mean you're busy? Too busy for what, a really great show? No, whatever, fuck you. That's so much bullshit. You wonder why bands never come to your town — this is why. Oh, fuck you. Maybe Mika should stop wasting their time on fucking Cambridge and tour 1979, when people knew good music, instead. Fuck off.

Hey, baby. I like, tried to get the word about the show. No, don't worry about these fucks. They're just a bunch of assholes. See, this is what I mean baby; no one understands you like I do. I love you. I love you. Why can't you see that? It's us against them, baby. What do you mean I'm holding you too tight? I just love you so much. Stop it. What are you doing? Aw, god! Why do you hate me? What do you mean? No, no, baby, keep cool, you're the boss. Don't call shit, don't do shit. I just get so upset when they don't understand us. We're cool. I just love you so much.

Don't worry, I already have Hep C:

09.04.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - Urban Lounge +
09.05.06 - Denver, CO - Rock Island +
09.07.06 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue +
09.08.06 - Madison, WI - The Annex +
09.09.06 - Chicago, IL - Metro +
09.10.06 - Cleveland, OH - Grog Shop +
09.12.06 - Northampton, MA - Iron Horse +
09.13.06 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza +
09.14.06 - Cambridge, MA - Middle East +
09.15.06 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church ^
09.16.06 - Washington DC - Black Cat +
09.17.06 - Baltimore, MD - Ottobar +
09.19.06 - Atlanta, GA - Drunken Unicorn >
09.20.06 - Baton Rouge, LA - Spanish Moon >
09.21.06 - Houston, TX - Walters >
09.22.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's >
09.23.06 - Denton, TX - Hailey's >
09.25.06 - Albuquerque, NM - Launchpad >
09.26.06 - Tucson, AZ - Plush >
09.27.06 - San Diego, CA - Casbah >
09.28.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Troubadour >
09.29.06 - Pomona, CA - Glasshouse >
09.30.06 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill >
10.01.06 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill >

+ w/ Erase Errata, Gossip
^ w/ Gossip, UV Protection
>w/ Gossip, Swan Island

The Creeping Nobodies Are Right; They Ain’t Shit!!!

Yeah, you heard me!! Just because you've been a dissonant whoa-kinda-pop in a reality check world band for five years, and you're from Toronto and you just released a pretty sweet album called Sound of Joy (on Blocks Recording Club) doesn't mean I'm gonnA WEAR YOUR BUTTon!!! AW SHIT, MY KEYBoard is broKE AGAIN!!! CREEPING NOBODIES, WHY CAN'T YOU releASE a creeping nobodieS-BRAND KEYBOARD??? OH, YOU got a 12" TOUR ONLY SPLIT WITH Anagram?!?!?! that doesn't DO ME aNY GOOD!!!!!!!

and none of these DATES are even neAR ME... why DO You expect me to care?!?!

09.06.06 - Buffalo, NY - Mohawk Place (w/ Ho-ag)
09.07.06 - Pittsburgh, PA - ON place
09.08.06 - Indianapolis, IN - TBA
09.10.06 - St. Louis, MO - Lemp Neighbourhood Arts Center
09.12.06 - Denver, CO - Monkey Mania (w/ Grim Hut)
09.14.06 - Spokane, WA - Rock Coffee *
09.15.06 - Olympia, WA - Manium *
09.16.06 - Portland, OR - Rotture *
09.17.06 - San Francisco, CA - Hemlock Tavern (w/ Matty Rue Morgue, A Particularly Vicious Rumor)
09.19.06 - Los Angeles, CA - The Echo #
09.20.06 - San Diego, CA - Ché Café (w/ Kittycat Lollipop)
09.21.06 - Phoenix, AZ - Trunk Space
09.23.06 - Fort Worth, TX - Metrognome (w/ Blonde Girls, Nouns Group, Idi Amin)
09.24.06 - Houston, TX - White Swan (w/ The Wiggins)
09.25.06 - New Orleans, LA - Dragon’s Den
09.26.06 - Nashville, TN - TBA
09.27.06 - Knoxville, TN - The Pilot Light (w/ Dirty Knees)
09.28.06 - Charleston/Mt. Pleasant, SC - Village Tavern
09.29.06 - Greenville, NC - Spazzatorium
09.30.06 - Washington, DC - Warehouse Next Door (w/ Magic People, Sentai, Bird Noises)
10.01.06 - Philadelphia, PA - The Big Pink ^
10.02.06 - Poughkeepsie, NY - Vassar College ^
10.04.06 - Brooklyn, NY -ToddP show www.toddpnyc.com ^
10.05.06 - Boston, MA - O’Brien’s ^
10.07.06 - Montreal, QC - Divin Orange - Pop Montreal %
10.13.06 - Toronto, ON - The Silver Dollar %
10.14.06 - Oshawa, ON - The Velvet Elvis %
10.19.06 - Waterloo, ON - The Grad House %
10.20.06 - Guelph, ON - Albion %
10.21.06 - Ottawa, ON - TBA %
10.27.06 - Toronto, ON - El Mocambo (w/ Fucked Up (Fucked Up 12" release))

* with Old Time Relijun
# with Indian Jewelry
^ with Crystal Clyffs
% with Anagram

stop calling me, PLEASE!!!!!

Prurient and Air Conditioning and FFH Collaborate on “Trampling the Meanness” Tour; John Mark Karr Arrested For Removing Dominick Fernow’s Shirt

Prurient, aka Fernow, who runs Hospital Productions, is teaming up with Allentown, PA's favorite battleship crash Air Conditioning and NYC's abbreviated F.F.H. (Richard Dunn, who did Vegas Martyrs with Fernow) for an annihilating collaborative set a little bit outta the Northeast and a sqweeny bit into the Midwest this week.

Air Conditioning are all systems puke, and it breaks my heart to say we overlooked their superior Weakness full-length in 2004. Oh, and we also overlooked Prurient's excellent Black Vase double LP last year. Uh... and we didn't even know about F.F.H.'s Silenced Whore cassette, but some people are all "blah blah rave rave it's like a bunch of scary" on it. So now that we aired that out — that we stink at covering these dudes — we just gotta come out and admit it: we hate noise. Long live Islands.

Islands Tourdates (WE WISH):

09.01.06 - Cincinnati, OH - Sudsy Malones @
09.02.06 - St. Louis, MO - Spooky Action Place
09.03.06 - Iowa City, IA - Hall Mall #
09.04.06 - Chicago, IL - Mister City $
09.05.06 - Detroit, MI - Behind the Green Door %
09.06.06 - Brooklyn, NY - 289 Kent Ave (btwn s1 and s2) ^

@ w/ Burning Star Core and Realicide
# w/ Scalpels, Binges and more
$ w/ Bloodyminded, Wilt, Its a Trap, and I Am the Liquor
% w/ Cleanse!!!
^ w/ Malkuth, Withdrawal Method

Oh, and by the way: Malkuth is definitely members of No-Neck Blues Band playing black metal. I wish I had more to say about it... but sand has already covered up my laptop screen. (That's right! I edit TMT while sitting on a beach drinkin' Corona listening to Return to the Sea!!!!)

Photo: Kunstencentrum

Winter Weather Not Smog’s Soul, But The Biding For Fall Tour

That Bill Callahan character's on the road again. So what? Lots of people go on the road. Lord knows I've been on the road plenty of times. Couple people told me I spent too much time on the road, told me some day I'd need to get my priorities straight; don't talk to those people anymore. What I'm saying is Bill Callahan ain't the Alpha nor the Omega. Okay, dude had that thing with Cat Power a while back, props to him for that. Probably sauntered up to her, real cool, whispered some sweet, melodic nothings in her ear. At least that's what I would've done, had I been given the chance. And don't think I haven't. The number of soirees I've attended featuring high-profile indie artists? Let's just say it's not the type of number you'd use in everyday speech. Unless you're someone like me, who drops dangerously lengthy digits in all my conversations.

So this Callahan released "Rock Bottom Riser" on Drag City in June, his first single off last year's A River Ain't Too Much To Love [TMT Review], and I guess he thinks that's reason enough for a belated celebration tour. Whatever keeps the guy afloat. Again, okay, dude got Joanna Newsom to play piano on the track. Hi-fives all around. But I ask you: does having talented musicians swoon over a man make him more worthy of respect than someone who, say, spent last weekend in his underwear, watching early Pete and Pete episodes? And if so, might you at least have the decency to wipe away the tears now forming in the latter man's eyes?

Just... just give me a minute here:

09.05.06 - Austin, TX - Cactus Club *
09.06.06 - Denton, TX - Rubber Gloves *
09.07.06 - Tulsa, OK - Blue Dome Diner *
09.08.06 - Springfield, MO - Randy Bacon Gallery *
09.09.06 - St. Louis, MO - Blueberry Hill
09.10.06 - Chicago, IL - Old Town School of Folk Music
10.01.06 - New Orleans, LA - One-Eyed Jack's
10.02.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottle Tree
10.03.06 - Atlanta, GA - Red Light Cafe
10.04.06 - Charlotte, NC - Visulite Theatre
10.06.06 - Charlottesville, VA - Gravity Lounge

* w/ The Howling Hex

Spinto Band Lose Mandolin, Counting Crows Don’t; TMT Asks: Is There No Justice?

Up-and-coming band suffer from equipment theft: It's a story that's becoming (sadly) ever more familiar. The Spinto Band can probably count themselves lucky that just a mandolin got nicked. But! Look closer and the whole thing gets a bit weird: someone's pulled some serious Ocean's 11-style shit here.

For one thing, the thief lifted the thing right off the stage during the freakin' performance. Not only that, it was taken from Manchester's Academy 3 — a microscopic, scummy dive on the third floor of the city's student union. To get an idea of the audacity of the thing, open up the icebox in your fridge, stuff five of your best buds inside, and fill your kitchen with screaming drunks. Now try pulling the ice-cream out without anyone noticing. Hard, wasn't it?

I mean, yeah, sure, the robber's probably just some asshole, but you've gotta have respect for hijinks like that. Dude's probably sipping martinis in a tux on a pedal-powered plane right now, trailing a banner reading "BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, THE SPINTO BAND!"

"This instrument has little monetary worth, but provides a wealth of sentimental value to us," the band stated on their website. "It is a Kay electric mandolin with a wood sunburst finish, white pickguard, and a crack in the headstock."

"We are prepared to offer healthy reward upon its return. In addition, if the mandolin is received before we play Reading/Leeds, the person who delivers it will be offered tickets to those events." Sadly, the Reading and Leeds festivals have passed, no doubt leading The Spinto Band to shake their fists impotently at the sky and yell, "DAMN YOU, MANDOLIN MARAUDER!"

If you're still pissed at the robber, try imagining the Spinto dude's "wuh-wuh-WUH?" as he goes for the mandolin and grabs at empty air.