The Thermals Tour Without Butt Flap; Baby Exchanges Erupt Across Europe

ther*mal [thur muhl]

-adjective

1. warm and stuff: thermal hot water springs boil people die in Dante’s Peak)
2. hot; awesome; tubular: my roommate has been trying to get the word thermal to take off since the tenth grade because he thinks it would be thermal to invent slang; alternative energy is thermal (and sometimes also thermal); this is a thermal way to spread information

ex. A: “Yo, that new Burning Star Core disc is THERMAL.”

B: “I been diggin on that new Bjork shit, which is totally thermal too. Also she’s from Iceland, which is the other kind of thermal. Thermal!!”

A: “I would go skinny-dipping in that natural hot spring, but that scene in Dante’s Peak was definitely not thermal with me.”

B: “Yeah, it is not thermal when they keep playin that flick on USA. Get off it already.”

-noun.

1. thermals thermal underwear: sometimes thermals have a thermal butt flap see: [union suit]
2. Therm a place where unhappy parents trade their newborn children in hopes of getting some kind of child prodigy for their mediocre offspring: let’s bring Jimmy to the Therm baby exchange
2. The Thermals a punk trio soon to be touring: The Thermals are toootally thermal:

* The Big Sleep

# Ted Leo R/X

End of the Road Festival Announces Lineup; Those Who Like Watching the Likes of Yo La Tengo, Super Furry Animals, and Midlake from a Burning Porta-Potty Whilst Eating $10 Barf Burgers, You’re Gonna Be Disappointed!

H.L. Mencken -- who was blessed with a spectacular wit normally reserved to burn bureaucrats, religious zealots, politicos, censors, altruists, etc. -- was a mad genius wordsmith and, as The Christian Science Monitor claims, “had a zing that bloggers can’t touch.” We’ll ignore the professed view that bloggers have any sort of zing, because the quote is still bang on the mark. His least famous line is “There are those that Scooby Do, and those that Scooby Don’t.” Forget that the old brain was dead and buried a good decade before the Scooby Doo cartoon character first appeared. And never mind that the quote was first said while walking home from a three-week bender, to a lamppost. Okay, it was me who coined the phrase, but it is still a good line! Mencken-good in fact! Festivals have started to Scooby Do more often than Scooby Don’t, as organizers are going to great lengths to stage a friends-and-family, community atmosphere at turnouts normally as welcoming as “Bartertown” in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.

Taking the example and success set by much-celebrated “smaller” festivals such as the Green Man Festival as a starting point, the End of the Road Festival team have created a celebration that fits in with the modern festival aesthetic: a mass gathering with a cozy, intimate feel. Included this year are film nights, comedy and open mic stages, and workshop and children’s areas featuring a ton of activities to keep your children, and your workshops, happy while you bake your minds watching the talent up on the stage. The End of the Road Festival takes place September 14-16 at the Larmer Tree Gardens in Dorset, England.

Here is the lineup so far: Alessi, Archie Bronson Outfit, Architecture in Helsinki, The Bees, Brakes, The Broken Family Band, Charlie Parr, The Congregation, CW Stoneking, Dan Sartain, Darren Hayman, David Thomas Broughton, David Vandervelde, Devastations, Euros Childs, Findlay Brown, Herman Dune, Howe Gelb, Hush the Many, Hyacinth House, Indigo Moss, James Yorkston, Jeffrey Lewis, Jim White, Johnny Flynn, Josh T. Pearson, King Creosote, Liz Green, Malcolm Middleton, Micah P. Hinson, Midlake, Misty’s Big Adventure, Monkey Swallows the Universe, My Brightest Diamond, Paris Motel, Pete and the Pirates, Port O’ Brien, Post War Years, Reigns, Richard Swift, Seasick Steve, Slow Club, Sons of Noel and Adrian, Stephanie Dosen, Sunny Day Sets Fire, Super Furry Animals, Telegrams, The Twilight Sad, Viking Moses, Woodpigeon, Yo La Tengo, and Young Republic.

Grim, Horrifying Specter of the Us Festival No Longer Haunting Steve Jobs’ Dreams; iTunes to Host Music Festival

It’s not even actually a music “festival.” Apple is just sponsoring a series of concerts at London’s Institute of Contemporary Art throughout the month of July. Among others, Mika, Amy Winehouse, Crowded House (?), Travis, The Editors, Stereophonics, and Beverley Knight are set to perform. You know what, Jobs? I’m using the enormous amount of financial and political clout I’ve earned in my month-and-a-half of writing news for Tiny Mix Tapes and putting my foot down.

It’s not an Apple-sponsored music festival without The Clash and Van Halen almost getting into a fistfight and the company losing eight figures of money.

It’s not an Apple-sponsored festival without a Simpsons reference in like ten years.

It’s not an Apple-Sponsored festival if the lineup deviates from the Gang of Four/Talking Heads/Ramones/I-Already-Mentioned-The-Clash quality of the Us Festival.

Jobs, give me the reins. In spite of the fact that I am using and enjoying one right now, I don’t care about your product. I’m the kind of freethinking rogue the iTunes festival needs. I see a Troggs reunion. I see at least an hour of Albini spoken word. I see at least four hours of Paper Rad videos. You’ll lose millions, Jobsy, and the world will finally know you for the eccentric billionaire genius you are. We’ll rule the world with a brushed metal fist.

What If There Really Was A Band Of Horses On Tour?(?!)

Seriously, wouldn't that be trippy and all whacked out? Wouldn't that be totally frenetic, or something? Can you imagine? Imagine just standing around, okay, waiting for this band to come out that all your friends have been ravin' about -- you're just standing there at Sugar's Nightclub, feelin' the atmosphere, checking your watch, and then the band comes out, but here's the thing: they're all horses. Not dressed up like horses with brown felt on their heads, but real horses with thick tails flopping around and swatting at flies.

And at first you're like, come on, you're like, this cannot seriously be the band, and you even start to turn around and raise your right eyebrow to the guy next to you, as if to say, get a load of this, and he shrugs his shoulders, like, give 'em a chance, and then you raise your other eyebrow to match the first, as if to say, are you putting me on, but then you turn around and at that very moment the lead singer, who may very possibly be named Whinny, launches into the first song, using his powerful back legs to wail on the guitar. Are you imagining this? And still you're apprehensive, you're like okay they can play but are they a band, because this really, in a way, blows away all the ideas you had about what constitutes a band, and even what the limits of music are. But after a while, you start feelin' the groove and you look back at the guy you raised your eyebrows to before and he's feelin' the groove, so all in all you have a pretty good time at this weird concert that you went to by yourself without reading up on the bands that would be playing and ended up seeing horses play a rhythmically tight set and also swat flies on their muscled rears in between songs. That would be really off the wall.

Well, have a good night.

* The Decemberists

^ Modest Mouse

You Have Been Cordially Invited to Attend The Debut of Kevin Drew

To officially launch the start of the new social season, Arts & Crafts will be holding a debutantes ball on September 18 to commensurate Colonel Reginald Drew's coming-of-age son, Kevin Drew. The debs ball will celebrate young Drew's eligibility to be married into the highest circles of the broken socialite scene. As you may remember, last year's debut of Aziz Ansari caused major rifts amongst the indie nobility for his failure to the adhere to the standard attire of dinner-jacket/bow-tie, resulting in his expulsion from the upper echelon of hipster aristocracy and his fall from grace into the crass world of MTV. Let's hope that Drew does not repeat this Faulkneresque episode and is able to retain his position of prestige as an outstanding member of polite society.

The debut of Kevin Drew will also mark the first of presumably many Broken Social Scene Presents... releases. Arts & Crafts has hired the Lafayette Dixieland Band to soundtrack the evening's festivities with selections from Drew's upcoming album, Spirit if....

Drew claims that he has been working on the soundtrack to his coming-out for the past two years, at times being tempted to release various tracks on Broken Social Scene albums or on other BSS solo projects; however, he found his bandmates' projects to be far to pedestrian for his work. Despite this obvious attack on the virtues and social graces of the other broken socialites, bandmate Leslie Feist has lent her talents to the project in hopes of establishing herself as the premier southern bell of the new season.

The September 18 debut of Drew and his first solo album controversially falls one week before the coming out of Vivien Leigh IV, who in response to this social faux-pas is undergoing a smear campaign to discredit Drew's social status by spreading rumors that his album was produced in part by low-culture icons Ohad Benchetrit and Charles Spearin of the tactless rock band, Do Make Say Think.