The Rapture Tour U.S. and Canada; Confused Christian Fundamentalists Buy Tickets, Are in for Big Surprise

Reptilian post-hard/math core is coming our way, in the shape of the venomous These Arms Are Snakes. I don't know what you think about David Icke's theory on the Illuminati and their quest for world domination, but I happen to feel that giant lizard life-forms masquerading as normal humans would be a welcome addition to our otherwise dull and bland existence. As such, I'm thrilled to announce, exclusively for TMT – sadly no other website would allow me to announce it – that These Arms Are Snakes are slithering their way across the continental United States in an imminent, upcoming, forthcoming, pending, impending, chilling, thrilling tour!

And now I have had it with These Fuckin' Arms are Motherfuckin' Snakes on a Motherfuckin' Plane:

09.22.06 - Richland, WA - Ray's Golden Lion
09.23.06 - Yakima, WA - Yakima Sports Center ^
10.17.06 – Denver, CO - Marquis Theater *$
10.18.06 – Lawrence, KS - Jackpot Saloon *
10.19.06 - Iowa City, IA - The Picador *{
10.20.06 - Chicago, IL - Beat Kitchen *#{
10.21.06 - Milwaukee, WI - The Cactus Club *#{
10.22.06 - Ann Arbor, MI - Blind Pig *#$
10.24.06 - Cleveland, OH - Grog Shop *#{
10.26.06 - Toronto, ON - The Kathedral *#
10.28.06 - Montreal, QC - Petit Campus *#
10.29.06 - Cambridge, MA - The Middle East – Upstairs *#%
11.01.06 - Providence, RI - The Livingroom *#%
11.02.06 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church *#%
11.03.06 - Brooklyn, NY - North Six (Jade Tree CMJ Showcase)
11.07.06 - Atlanta, GA - Drunken Unicorn *#@
11.08.06 - Tallahassee, FL - Club Downunder *$
11.09.06 - Orlando, FL - AKA Lounge *@
11.10.06 - Jacksonville, FL - Jack Rabbit's *@
11.20.06 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill *%

* - w/Mouth Of The Architect
# - w/Young Widows
% - w/ French Toast
@ - w/The North Atlantic
^ - w/ With a Bullet, Head Like A Kite
$ - w/ Planes Mistaken For Stars
- w/ River City Tan Lines
– w/ Everlovely Lightning Heart}

Enough punctuation for ya? My keyboard is having a FIELD DAY!

Steve Irwin, I Wish You Could Have Seen This: Animal Collective Tour Australia

This is your brain:

Why has everyone started to like all my favorite bands? Is it because they're too "accessible"? Are their T-shirts that cool? Were they on some magazine cover? Are they on the internet? Am I out of the loop? Shitttttttttt. Maybe I should trade in these Converse for some more obscure shoes. Like some skater shoes. Yeahhhh... And maybe I'll sell this band shirt for some sweet used shirt. Or something striped. And tight. Maybe flannel. Shit, my parents didn't give me enough money for clothes AND records this week. Fuck. God I love fist-pumping. I'm so hardcore. Feedback gets me off. Noise better not go anymore mainstream or I'll have to start listening to silence again. Or those '50s girl-pop bands. I can't stand going to a huge venue for a band that I knew about when they were still playing five-dollar clubs. Fuck them for not coming to my hometown. Promotion for shows is lame. Touring sucks. Recording is so passé. DIY man. It's the postmodern no-wave. Since when are shows fashion shows? I don't think about what I'm going to wear for when I go out. I just pick whatever filthy, ragged, inconspicuous, random-ass piece of clothing with holes in it to wear because I'm lazy. I wish my parents would give me more fucking money.

This is your brain on drugs:

Dude, since when do people in Australia listen to Animal Collective? What's that about the toilets there? You see different stars, you say? The winter is in the summer? The moon is on its side? 18+ shows?! What the fuckkkkkkkk? Come back to America, Animals, where the grass is green and the ladies fair. Where crickets chirp late and people won't stare.

Stop bringing your camera to shows:

11.03.06 – Brisbane, Australia – The Zoo (18+)
11.04.06 – Sydney Australia – Newtown (18+)
11.06.06 – Melbourne, Australia – The Corner Hotel (18+)
11.08.06 – Auckland, New Zealand – Kings Arm
11.09.06 – Wellington, New Zealand – Indigo Bar

Frieze! Festival News!

But we interrupt this bulletin to bring you some interesting facts about the marvellous metropolis that is my nation’s capital. Tick off the ones you know, clever-clogs!

DID YOU KNOW?

- London has the highest population of underground nomadic dwellers of any capital city. They inhabit the city’s many train tunnels, travelling without direction or Oyster cards for days on end, at the mercy of the erratic train system.

- London was originally known as Atlantis, but the construction of the Thames Barrier had a catastrophic effect, which led to the loss of the ancient conurbation. The only thing remaining from the old civilisation are the red phone-boxes that acted as spiritual guides for the populous.

- Scientists predict that in 2074, a large increase in sugar intake will lead to mass evacuation after crazed Londoners riot, scouring the streets in search of the so-called 'white gold.'

- London was the scene of one of the greatest sea-battles ever recorded, in 1973, when the Queen’s armada trounced the Spanish fleet in Trafalgar Square. A large phallic column was erected (oops!) in tribute.

- The four lions surrounding Nelson were once the cousins of Aslan. The London Hippodrome was apparently a Victorian water circus, but I think the clue’s in the name y’all. One word: abattoir.

Anyhoo, the Frieze Art Fair is occurring once again. Frieze — a big European (not just British!) contemporary arts and culture magazine — puts on its pants and the FAF every October in Regent's Park. One-hundred-sixty art galleries participate. That number was so big I had to write it out!!! The Frieze Music Festival portion will be headlined by none other than Sunn0))). Also of interest are Leopard Leg, a 10+ all-girl drum troupe from Brighton and London. Geez, BARR will have no way to compete with just his one! Oh well. At least he's got good odds at making out with at least one. (Go for two, Brendan!)

Painting Renaissance-style murals this year on London’s hallowed walls will be:

Friday, 13 October:
Sunn 0)))
Russell Haswell and Florian Hecker
Burning Star Core
Leopard Leg

Saturday, 14 October:
Liars
Erase Errata
Barr
The Curtains

That's how they do the dates there — seriously. You can't make this stuff up! You want MORE information? Go to www.frieze.com then (and order your tickets!), and don’t waste my time.

Deerhoof Subvert And Deconstruct Fundamentals Of Rock Music And Replace Them With Limitless Towers Of Sonic Beauty; Other Stuff, Too

I'm not going to lie; I love Deerhoof. I love loving Deerhoof. There are moments when I actually mistake love for Deerhoof. I'll be sitting at the kitchen table with a girl late at night, and the light from a car driving by will cast a certain glow on her face, and I'll suddenly gasp and whisper, "Hoof?" I know it's tres important to leave opinions out of straight news stories, but I don't care because this one is unabashedly gay. True story: One time I made a public announcement that I could no longer go on with my daily life until I owned every single sliver of music that Deerhoof has produced.

Then a friend sent me a link to this site, and I was faced with the decision to either eat my words or kill myself. Like I said, I love Deerhoof, so I thought it would be a pretty cool thing to do, and I jumped out a window with a suicide note taped on my back. Luckily, for embarrassment sake, my jump was successful, and the guy who found my body was moved to tears by my note. The note was actually a haiku about the drummer, and though it pains me to recall my own tragic end, for the sake of Deerhoof-love, I'm willing to present the poem.

Rearrange Greg's name
And the letters will spell out
E. E. Sugar Grin

The annoying thing is this: I forgot they haven't broken up yet! How was I supposed to keep on loving Deerhoof in an aluminum coffin? Which brings me to the reason why I'm standing here now, covered in fresh soil: Deerhoof are releasing a new album, Friend Opportunity, on January 23 through Kill Rock Stars and 5RC. The totally lovable tracklisting is this:

1. The Perfect Me
2. +81
3. Believe E.S.P.
4. The Galaxist
5. Choco Fight
6. Whither The Invisible Birds?
7. Cast Off Crown
8. Kidz Are So Small
9. Matchbook Seeks Maniac
10. Look Away

But it wasn't only the new album and the worms that made me claw my way out of the Earth. Deerhoof are also going to be recording a score next week for the film Dedication with composer Ed Shearmur at Hyperion Sound. The film was directed by Justin Theroux (CHARLIE'S ANGELS TWO) and stars people like Billy Crudup, Amy Sedaris, and Mandy Moore. And me, as Deerhoof Lover #1.

But it wasn't only the new film score and the claustrophobia that made me pine for sweet, sweet oxygen. The North Haven Community School in North Haven, Maine will be putting on a twice-in-a-lifetime performance on October 23 and 24 at Waterman's Community Center. Students from grades K-12 will be participating in a ballet based on Deerhoof's 2004 concept album, Milk Man. And if that isn't lovable enough (it is), most of the dancers will be kids from grades 3-8. I will be playing the Milk Man.

But it wasn't only third-grade children and the decay that made me roll the boulder away from my tomb. Deerhoof are in the midst of a tour with some other bands that, though unlovable, still get me feeling pretty darn infatuated:

09.13.06 - Atlanta, GA - Tabernacle *
09.15.06 - Oklahoma City, OK - Zoo Amphitheatre *
09.24.06 - New York, NY - Hammerstein Ballroom *
10.18.06 - Providence, RI - Lupo's %
10.19.06 - New Haven, CT - Toad's Palace %
10.20.06 - ???TBA????? %
10.26.06 - Columbus, OH - Wexner Center ^
10.27.06 - Pittsburgh, PA - Andy Warhol Museum ^
10.28.06 - Buffalo, NY - Showplace Theater %^
10.30.06 - Toronto, ON - Opera House %
10.31.06 - Montreal, QC - Le Tulipe %
11.01.06 - Burlington, VT - Higher Ground %
11.03.06 - New York, NY - Hiro Ballroom (KRS CMJ Showcase) &
11.11.06 - San Francisco, CA - Bill Graham Civic Auditorium (RIOTTT!) #
12.08.06 - Somerset, England - Butlins Holiday Resort (ATP's Nightmare
Before Christmas) @

* w/ The Flaming Lips
% w/ The Fiery Furnaces
^ w/ Fog
& w/ Erase Errata and Excepter
# w/ The Wrens, Sage Francis, and Saul Williams
@ w/ EVERYONE AWESOME EVER

But it wasn't only

Madonna Fights Nuclear Waste and Vows, “Restless Leg Syndrome, You’re Next!”

When not pissing off parishes and perfecting her phony English accent (yeah, we know you live in the UK now but you're starting to act like some of the arseholes I know who emigrated from across the ocean as fetuses and still won't cut the cord on their faux-Brit patois), it seems Madonna has been thinking a lot about the earth's future and others of late.

It may be somewhat old news, but reports, well, everywhere (it is Madonna after all) claim that she and husband Guy Ritchie hounded the offices of British Prime Minister Blair, the UK Department of Trade and Industry, and British Nuclear Fuels (BNFL) with a plan to battle nuclear waste with a mystical Kabbalah-developed liquid. The two believe the solution has already been successful in neutralizing radiation in Ukraine, and Ritchie (apparently a "talking pictures" director of some renown... what will they think of next?!) sent a number of letters along with scientific papers that support the healing powers of the mystical fluid. This is all a bit at odds with the unsubstantiated rumor that the couple were heard quarrelling, as Madonna scolded hubby with, "It's nuclear god dammit, Guy! Not nuculer!"

The old gal can still stir up bad feelings and stomach bile in the most seemingly patient of peeps. Last week, a Dutch priest admitted to calling in a fake bomb threat in an attempt to stop a recent concert in Amsterdam on Madonna's current "Confessions" tour. In Moscow on Monday, the show went on but was opposed by many religiosos, including Orthodox church spokesman Father Vsevolod Chaplin, who, speaking to Pravda online, said, "This lady has been glorifying human passions with the help of religious symbols for years... she now thinks it is time for her to crucify herself in public. It means the singer is in need of spiritual help." No offence Father, but we're guessing the spiritual well-being of Me-donna is where it's always been, behind the megalomanical driving force. Could she be changing her ways?

"I can write the greatest songs (wha?) and make the most fabulous films (WHAT???) and be a fashion icon and conquer the world, but if there isn't a world to conquer, what's the point?" she said according to The Sunday Times. "I've just come to a place in my life where I'm trying to really see what the big picture is and where my energy is better spent, and that's one area I'm really concerned about."

We'll ignore the laughable possibility of Maddy ever actually writing her own songs or making even passably enjoyable films... the concept of Madonna thinking of others is as likely as someone successfully using a stingray for a boogie-board (too soon for Crocodile Hunter jokes?). With experts claiming Madonna's nuclear waste eradication scheme as pure hokum, at least hucksters can have a field day with the notion of magical Kabbalah water. It's only a matter of time until we hear the following at every traveling show and county fair:

"Gather 'round ever'one! Welcome to ye ole' medicine show. All sicknesses cured, plus possibly any nuclear ailments you may have. Get rid of yer liniments and snake oil, rosehips and riboflavin, Carter's Little Liver Pills, mugwump specific, swamp root, Kikapoo Indian Sagwa, 'joy juice', vegetable compound, Doan's Pills, Dr. Williams' Pink Pills for Pale People, milk from a witch's tit... Mystical Madonna has all you need by the bottleful ($1.75 for a half-liter, $3.00 per liter). A couple of swigs and y'all w'all be 'I gots ta get me some o' that kwazy kabbally potion!!!' Sick made well, weak made strong. Scarlet fever, cooties, and "female problems" gone. Chewing and cigarette habits cured. Say 'goodbye' to flatulence!..."

Unfortunately the one societal affliction Kabbalah liquid will never do away with is Madonna's incessant spotlight-grabbing and media-whoring.

STOP PRESS: Capitol embraces the avant-garde

This just in: Capitol Records has decided to make a substantial move into the indie and left-field areas of the music industry. In addition to their recent signing/perversion of Interpol, the well-known experimental quasi-Joy Division tribute band, they've also added The Decemberists (aka 'no more than 3 minutes of prog per album') to their roster. They're also apparently seeking to 'develop' the UK's own Lily Allen, who is so avant-garde that her first single went STRAIGHT to NUMBER ONE!

Capitol has already had success with these avant-garde acts, of course. Who can forget the bizarre act known as The Magic Numbers, with their penchant for facial hair and corpulence balanced by their use of mystical instruments such as spoons, a zither, and even an accordion on occasion. LCD Soundsystem have been another big success for the label, with their tap-dancing rhythm section a constant source of interest amongst listeners hitherto only exposed to the Top 40.

It's great to see a major record label finally accepting some of the weirdest acts around. Next month, Capitol is lining up moves for one of Britain's finest exponents of experimental electronica, Robbie Williams, and word is that they're also planning to sign legendary American beat-boxer Justin Timberlake. Finally, on their list of future conquests, they're also sniffing around a Liverpool-based beat combo known as The Beatles, who are shrouded in mystery and eclecticism.