Thrones/Growing/Wolf Eyes/Bloc Party

I'm drunk, which is why it's a good time to write about the Thrones/Growing tour, which also apparently features Wolf Eyes on same dates. But I acstuallyu should've started this like an hour ago. I wa s much more drunk!! But now it's too late. I had this sweet cajun burger and shoestring fries with lotsa beer. it was grea,t but i felt kinda sick afteward. Now i'm writing this story, trying to salvage what drunkness i can. It' skinda pathetic. (Even more pathetic that this'll actually get published!! i feel like i could write anything, like that Merzbow story. I'm kinda undermining the editorial staff aren't i?)

So yo yo there's a story I sholud be talking about, and it's the story of Thrones. It's also the story of Growing. Together, they are growing thorns that attack as you sleep! Oh my god, look out brother!! AHHH!!! What's with the nane Wofl Eyes anyway? Cnat' tell if it's supposed to be a tounge-in-cheek name or if they actually they think it's a cool name. Honestly, i think it's one of the worst names EVER. But fuck it. Your name sucks too. What is it, Steve? Lame.

I'm tired. Okahy, next time i'm going to get reaaaaally drunk, and i'll hvae some other staffers get drunk with me. And we'll have a day of drunk news stories! what do you think readers!? funny or hwat?! Maybe it's a waste of time. Mabye writing about music is a waste of time. JK dude!! Hmm, i should end this with some kind of joke... let's see. .................. . . . . . . . ok. Got one.

Q: What's green and whistles when it walks?

A: Bloc Party.

Wait, tha'ts not funny. And it doen'st make sense. Okay, here's another one:

Q: How can you tell a penis from your palm?

A: Bloc Party.

Great success!

Thrones/Growing tourdates:

Richard Buckner Does What Tastes Right, Tours

[Music stops, audience applauds]

Wow! What an audience tonight, you guys are all right! We've got a great show, great show for everyone tonight! Okay, everyone settle down. Settle down, indoor voices. Actually, you know, why doesn't everyone just shut up?

[Laughter]

I'm serious. I'm not shouting over you, not again. You want these jokes? I'm not up here whistling dixie, let's get our acts together.

[Silence, man coughs]

Hey! But let's have some fun! Right Mark?

[Band leader laughs and nods]

Okay, quiet fun... So Congress is in the news and -- no, this doesn't feel right. It's not going to be funny now. I, I, I blame you. Yeah, some audience. I wanted to come out here, tell you some jokes, but obviously you didn't want that, did you? I do this every night, no one's ever had a problem. Last night, the fabulous Mariska Hargitay was on from Law & Order: SVU on Tuesday nights at 10/9 central on NBC; she told a delightful story about dealing with her kids, and that audience didn't fly off the handle!

Look, okay, let's just get through this. I know it's not going to be funny now, but whatever. I don't even really remember it now, but fine. You don't even deserve the punchline anyway.

[More silence]

So Congress is in the news. It's true. They just passed a non-binding resolution against President Bush's troop surge. The President responded by, uh, he said... this is what he said, he goes, "No binding, that's going to fall apart just like my planned troop surge!" That's uh, dammit.

[Rim shot, audience boos]

Oh screw you! You had to be there, okay? It was funny if you saw it! It's your fault. Don't like the joke, it's on your heads. Yeah, fine, let's take these idiots to commercial. But hey! We've got a wonderful show for you tonight! Ernest Borgnine is here for some reason, as is Julianne Moore. Later, indie-folk-man wordsmith Richard Buckner is here to play for you and talk about his recent album Meadow. You can catch him on tour next month starting right here in New York.

We'll be right back:

Merzbow and Others Confirmed for No Fun Fest 2007

(#(#(*$** #)(WQ !@!!LK lkj W(*$#*)($#)(*$#* lj jdfjfjjjjfjfjjfjfjfjf lkdsj a4OI#(#(#(#(999 #WQ:?/ 04 WLKRJ$EW Rlkj lkdsFJ9439439943 w$Ii 4 (94(( ($9 ($( 9$(((*)( )$98 4t9 88 )))))) 34( $ #$ Merzbear lak43j439 4a9999 @)) # %(* ( )#W()$#

;dsflkjdsafl $#WOIu Merzbow aslkdj43 $$$$ 93@(#)* #W(#l..... )(*$* $ .... 0(*$$) %% ($#(#(#((#(#(#(( #(8 $#)( @!)@@@@@ 0($ $#)( 9$#)( $#%)( #) $ 0)(4 $ $ 8=D $#)(%*(*# @@@ #9 #(9 %%%

#$)(W#% $#)(%$# , No Fun Fest.. 0(#W%843w5WRE> s43lkdsR9(%((%(%. 0(%(%% Q#W) w/334$[ $W)9349 @@ @ 439 $#JG$ GDL$)(W* T LDSJF.04(( $% #(9999 #@Q*$# 59555%% @Q@) #@. This should help us sell some ad space.

I Guess LCD Soundsystem Will Just Have To Learn To Be Satisfied With The Sound Of Silver, But Seriously, Guys, Let?s Shoot For The Sound Of Gold Next Time

Alright, listen up! James Murphy (you know, the guy from DFA that made it cool for uncool people to dance, which made it cool, I think? Has someone got a flowchart?) has stuffed the new LCD Soundsystem LP firmly into his release tube and is ready to fire it all over the world. Ooh, I'm so excited just thinking about it!

Recorded at a farm in New York, The Sound of Silver apparently finds LCD Soundsystem further expanding their sonic palette, taking their experimental impulses to wild new places, but also firmly establishing themselves as a singularly great pop group. Here, pulsing beats, abstract funk, crystal melodies, and towering walls of sound combine to create a sound genuinely like no other. Alright, I got that bit off the press release. Sue me. It features performances from the LCD Soundsystem live members, including Pat Mahoney, Tyler Pope, and Nancy Wh?

Um.

Nancy Wha?

I can do this! I can do this.

Nancy Whahahahaha!

Nancy Whang. There you go.

Clever lead-in joke to the tracklisting:

Glasses Are Useful, A Short Play by Heidi Vanderslice (Alternate Title: The Constantines Are, Like, Touring or Something)

Setting: The Warsaw Club, Brooklyn, watching The Constantines

Characters: Myself, my +1 Jess

Jess [surveying the stage]: Where's the cute one? Where'd he go?

HV: Jess, they're twins.

Jess: No, they're not. No, they're not. That one's cuter.

HV: He can't be cuter. They're twins. [starting to feel like she's in the Chris Kattan/Jimmy Fallon SNL sketch where they score dates with twins, and the Rachel Dratch twin has a baby doll arm growing out of her head]

Jess: Hey, little dude, I swear, I like that one better.

HV: [gesturing wildly] You're not wearing any fucking glasses!

Jess: Yes, I am. Oh. No, I'm not. Fine. [Puts on her glasses] Oh. They're both pretty cute. [Pointing at stage] Heyyy! Heyyy.

HV: I need another drink.

Brooklyn Lager goes well with these dates, but you might have troubles finding it, eh?: