Dear Betty and Veronica,

My whole school is infested with boys, but most of them are not my type. I do like one boy but the problem is that he already has two girlfriends. What can I do to get him to drop those girls and take notice of me? What should I do? I am sooo confused.

Dear Confused,

Hi new pen pal! Don't be all down in the dumps about boys 'cause they're so dreamy! Take my Archiekins, for example. Whenever he is spending too much time mooning over that incorrigible Veronica Lodge or when he stands me up for a date to hang around with his football chums, I just go that extra mile and bake him a cake or do his homework for Miss Grundy's class. There are loads of things you could do to turn his head! Oh... maybe you should buy him a ticket to see Over the Atlantic and Beach House at one of the shows I have printed out below. And you can make it an imaginary triple-double-date because both bands are duos! What fun! I wish Archie and I could go with you. We could tour around Riverdale in jalopies and go for malts at Pop's Soda Shoppe and live the white uptight life! It's still the bestest! Go for it girlfriend!

Dear Confused,

Oh Confused! Relax dahling. The female of the species is deadlier than the male, so it should be you calling the shots and breaking hearts. I mean, look how what I do to that red-headed freak Archie Andrews. I've got the kid so wound up all of the time you can spy the wet patch on his Toughskins' crotch every time the dork is within 50 yards of me! A girl's not a girl if she can't lead some poor sap around by the nose. I could buy and sell his family over and over, but I choose to let him bankrupt his bank balance and dignity to make me happy. What's with that tic-tac-toe design shaved into his hair anyways? That kinda shit might have worked in the forties but this is 2006! Whatever... this is an advice column for you middle-class peasants, so I guess I have to give some advice. Two great bands, Over the Atlantic and Beach House, are playing the cities listed below soon. Make this chump buy you a ticket to one of them. I would also make it clear that you only travel in stretch limos and that it's the only way he has a chance at getting any that night. C'mon, you don't want to give us cock-blockers and stuck-up teases a bad name! Do it or I can make it very difficult for you to get into even the most un-ivy league school. You hear?

Ah the eternal question... Betty or Veronica? Does it even matter? Even the hot blonde-next-door and the bitchy, wannabe j.a.p. brunette are in mind-cahoots about the time and money worth spending on Victoria Legrand and Alex Scally (Beach House), and Nik Brinkman and Bevan Smith (Over the Atlantic). Both acts recently released debut albums on Carpark Records: Beach House with its self-titled disc on October 3 and Over the Atlantic with Junica on September 19.

10.31.06 - Baltimore, MD - H and H Building, Floristree Space
11.01.06 - New York, NY - Cake Shop (Paw Tracks/Carpark CMJ showcase)
11.02.06 - Cambridge, MA - The Lily Pad
11.03.06 - Montréal, Quebec - Zoo Bizarre
11.04.06 - Toronto, Ontario - Tranzac
11.05.06 - Pittsburgh, PA - Garfield Artworks
11.06.06 - Chicago, IL - Gunther Murphy's
11.07.06 - Minneapolis, MN - Big V's
11.08.06 - Fargo, ND - Aquarium
11.09.06 - Missoula, MT - Crazy Daisy
11.10.06 - Seattle, WA - Conor Byrne
11.11.06 - Vancouver, British Columbia - Pat's Pub *
11.12.06 - Portland, OR - Towne Lounge
11.14.06 - San Francisco, CA - Hemlock Tavern
11.16.06 - Los Angeles, CA - The Echo #
11.18.06 - Dallas, TX - Amsterdam Bar
11.19.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's
11.20.06 - Houston, TX - The Proletariat
11.21.06 - New Orleans, LA - One Eyed Jacks
11.22.06 - Atlanta, GA - Drunken Unicorn $
11.24.06 - Chapel Hill, NC - Nightlight
11.25.06 - Washington, DC - The Red and the Black
11.26.06 - New York, NY - Tonic %

* w/ Montag
# w/ Ariel Pink
$ w/ The Evangelicals
% w/ Avey Tare (Animal Collective) & Kria Brekken (Müm)

Hell Ys! Joanna Newsom Tours

iTunes users, the days of tyranny are over, and your emancipator is named DVD Jon! Really! I don't necessarily understand the particulars of this great event — it has something to do with Apple Computers cock-blocking the masses and just generally being bad sharers — but I'll do my best to correctly paraphrase some articles written by people who do.

Whether you knew it or not, all of the music you have been downloading from the iTunes store is compatible with only one model of portable MP3 player: the massively ubiquitous iPod, which is also an Apple product. This is thanks to a witchy little program, or maybe a "bug" or something, called FairPlay. So in essence, if you wanted to carry your legally downloaded iTunes music away from your computer — and 88% of online digital music purchases are through iTunes — you would need an iPod. This is the type of arrangement that was just itching for a bypass of the fuck-the-man kind.

DVD Jon, properly known as Jon Lech Johansen, is a 22-year-old Norwegian national who first made waves among computer nerds when he reverse-engineered something about DVDs so he could play them on his Linux system. He was 15 when he did that. The Scandinavian computer whisperer is confident that his FairPlay bypass is legal and is exploring ways to make it commercially available. Eventually, the workaround could be licensed to companies that manufacture digital music players so they can take advantage of iTunes.

Hell Ys! Joanna Newsom Tours

So I'm sitting here trying to think of a way to lead into this story, but it's impossible to concentrate on what I'm writing. Normally, it wouldn't be such a big deal, but tonight, I am at my parents' house, and I am sitting across the room from them as they watch the racially segregated new season of Survivor. And one of the contestants on the show is resting, leaning back casually in the shade, with an enormous erection. Oh God, and the narrator just said he was "cocky" about something, and I'm pretty sure that comment is to be interpreted on multiple levels. He's not even being discreet about it; it's just there, completely perpendicular to the rest of his body.

This is really upsetting to me, because I have been waiting for Joanna Newsom to tour for a pretty long time. I wanted to write some sort of article that reflected how I felt about her music, which is to say, an article that was absolutely gorgeous and original and clever. Maybe something that was written on an antique typewriter, in the middle of a meadow, at dawn. A robin would come and sit on my desk and tweet simple melodies to the beat of my fingers hitting the keys. The words would just come to me, as if in a vision, and when I was finished, I could rise from my seat knowing I had left the world a better place. Instead, all I can think about is this dude's boner and the apathetic reaction it received from the rest of the caucasian tribe. Seriously though, to me it was really obvious, flagrantly just... there, shamelessly and for no apparent reason.

I keep getting sidetracked. Joanna, if you're reading this, I want you to know that I'm sorry. You deserve better, and I did all I could to make an article worthy of having your name included in it. Instead, I combined Survivor and erections, and for that I offer my sincerest apologies. But for God's sake, it was just there, practically taking up half the screen, in broad daylight no less.

It was just there:

11.04.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - The Depot
11.05.06 - Denver, CO - Bluebird Theater
11.06.06 - Omaha, NE - Scottish Rite Masonic Center
11.07.06 - St. Louis, MO - Blueberry Hill
11.08.06 - Chicago, IL - Logan Square Auditorium
11.09.06 - Colombus, OH - Little Brothers
11.10.06 - Cleveland, OH - Beechland Ballroom
11.11.06 - Pittsburgh, PA - Andy Warhol Museum
11.13.06 - New York, NY - Webster Hall +
11.14.06 - Boston, MA - Somerville Theatre +
11.15.06 - New Haven, CT - Toad's Place +
11.16.06 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church +
11.17.06 - Washington, DC - Black Cat +
11.18.06 - Greensboro, NC - Gail Brower Huggins Theater
11.19.06 - Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse
11.20.06 - Nashville, TN - Mercy Lounge
11.21.06 - Knoxville, TN - Blue Cats
11.22.06 - Asheville, NC - Diana Wortham Theatre
11.24.06 - Louisville, KY - Headliners
11.25.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottle Tree
11.29.06 - Malibu, CA - Malibu Performing Arts Center
11.30.06 - Los Angeles, CA - El Rey Theater
12.03.06 - Portland, OR - Aladdin Theater
12.04.06 - Seattle, WA - Showbox
12.05.06 - Vancouver, BC - St. Andrew's-Wesley Church
12.11.06 - Norman, OK - Meecham Theater, University of Oklahoma

+ w/ P.G. Six

Ys comes out on Drag City on November 14.

Organizers Quietly Check to Make Sure Australians Speak English Before Asking Dirty Three to Curate All Tomorrow’s Parties 2007

Feel that tingling in your fingers? You know what that means, don't you?! The first All Tomorrow's Parties festival of 2007 has just been announced, and it's going to be frickin' ace. If you don't know how ATP works, here's a quick rundown: every year (well, it's more like every six months or less at the moment) the organizers choose an artist to curate the festival, who then picks her/his favorite bands and films and TV shows to play over one weekend. Then, they have to pick their party theme. Who could forget 2005's Slint "Shark Attack!" ATP? Or The Yeah Yeah Yeahs and their "Toga Party" festival earlier this year?

Next year it's the Dirty Three's turn to curate. And their theme? Well, you'd best get your dancing shoes all buffed up, because they've decided it's going to be hit musical Grease! And they're going overboard this year. Along with your ticket, you'll receive a sealed envelope with either the word "Jock" or "Nerd" printed inside. You'll be expected to turn up dressed accordingly. Candy floss and root beer are going to be served for 10p each, and you're only going to be allowed to smoke in a small area behind the main stage, looking shifty and watching out for teach', or Warren Ellis.

In addition, each band picked will play at least one song from the Grease soundtrack. Formation dancing is expected, but will not be required. Here's the lineup so far:

Nick Cave ("Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee")

Grinderman ("Summer Nights")

The Dirty Three ("Grease Theme")

Low ("Sandy")

Papa M ("Greased Lightning")

The Drones ("It's Raining On Prom Night")

Faun Fables ("Alone At The Drive-In Movie")

Brokeback ("Hopelessly Devoted To You")

Tara Jane O'Neil ("Rydell Fight Song")

Magnolia Electric Company (GREASE MEGA-MIX!!!)

Thee Silver Mount Zion Fantastycal Mystery Orchestra On Wheels In The Sky [or whatever the hell they're calling themselves at the moment] ("You're The One That I Want")

Devastations ("Greased Up and Ready To Go")

Apparently, Low and Papa M fought like dogs to get the chance to play "Greased Lighning." Dave Pajo's like a fighting machine. He'd already snapped Mimi Parker's arms like twigs and was about to tear out Alan Sparhawk's jugular with his teeth before they admitted defeat.

ATP 2007 is to be the second one to move away from its old home at the Pontin's at Camber Sands (after the upcoming Nightmare Before Christmas, which is curated by Thurston "Hell Yeah" Moore). Instead, ATP 2007 is going to be hosted in Minehead, in Somerset. No, that's not near London, America. While the ATP hardcore might protest the change in venue, bear in mind that this new place has a motherfucking water slide. Also, the last place was, to all intents and purposes, Auschwitz.

Swan Lake To Release Debut Album

Wow, would you get a load of that! A real headline! How boring. Perhaps I should have scoured my press releases for something to build a series of useless puns off of, so as to create an award-winning, eye-catching headline to draw in the readers, and thus, continue making TMT the most amazing site ever.

Instead, I am forsaking all creativity and simply writing about some Canadian indie musicians. Woe is me. So there's this guy who is in this band called Wolf Parade, and he has another band that he calls Sunset Rubdown. Before he was in this band called Wolf Parade, he was in this band called Frog Eyes, who has this other guy in it who is also good buddies with this other guy who is in this other band called Destroyer. Got it? See, these dudes decided that it was time to do something different than stand around the pool table together, and they created this other band called Swan Lake.

The trio, who have a strange obsession with ballet, are going to call their little collection of songs Beast Moans, after the scene in that one ballet where that guy comes after that woman with this dance move, then this other guy comes out, dances a little jig, and saves the woman so they can dance away into the sunset together. The 13-song album will be released on November 21 by the world's biggest ballet-focused record label, Jagjaguwar, who was named after an extra from The Nutcracker. (I think; I dunno, you may have to research that one.)

Beast Moans:

1. Widow's Walk
2. Nubile Days
3. City Calls
4. A Venue Called Rubella
5. All Fires
6. The Partisan But He's Got To Know
7. The Freedom
8. Petersburg, Liberty Theater, 1914
9. The Pollenated Girls
10. Bluebird
11. Pleasure Vessels
12. Are You Swimming in Her Pools?
13. Shooting Rockets

Of course, if this doesn't make any sense to you, you could always read more about it over at Jagjaguwar's official site. I don't know why you'd want to though, considering how good we are. Go, Baltimore, go!



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