TMT Financial Analyst Suggests Link Between Magik Markers Tour and Massive Stock Losses

You might have heard that the stock market, the Dow specifically, took a pretty ruthless beating from itself yesterday. Homeboy dropped, like, 500 points. I hear on the news that I might be affected by that in some way, but thinking about it analytically would really kill my "Charles In Charge marathon" buzz I've been cultivating as of late. So instead of actually looking at any raw data, listening to any other opinions, or even clicking on the online news headline which I'm now looking at, I'm going to explain why I believe that the announcement by the Magik Markers of a March U.S. tour not only affected, but directly caused yesterday's substantial losses.

First, I would like to invoke the idea of "chaos theory." Having seen Babel, 21 Grams, and Amores Perros, I don't think it would be immodest to call myself an expert on the subject. It might even be an understatement. In a nutshell, chaos theory is the idea that anything has the potential to influence anything else. For example, after reading Kobak's review of Lambsbread's Stereo Mars, you decide to go and pick up the album from a record store. While there, you meet someone and fall deeply in love. The two of you have a child together, who grows up to unite the globe, at long last, under an everlasting world peace. In a very indirect way, your reading of TMT brought about world peace. Therefore, it wouldn't be far off to say that by not reading the site every single day, you are actually causing global injustice. I might have taken a few liberties with the details, but you get the idea.

By the same token, the announcement of a Magik Markers tour earlier this month must have come as quite a shock to club owners, who have since been scrambling to prepare their venues for the aural onslaught that the Markers are sure to bring with them. Could this, in turn, have led the club owners to take out additional insurance policies, expecting their stages to be rocked to pure rubble? Did this pique their interest in the world of actual investing and cause many of them to rent the Charlie Sheen movie Wall Street to brush up on how the game is played? Did news of all the extra Wall Street rentals get out, making insiders on the real Wall Street overly cautious, anticipating a market takeover, leading to the crash we saw yesterday? Also, the RIAA was probably involved, but I'm not sure exactly how. Regardless, in this case I believe the facts speak for themselves. You could draw your own conclusions, but don't that sound like an awful lot of work?

In other news, word of the Police's decision to reunite was the cause of Fidel Castro's return to good health:

* Kenny and the Flesh, Black Helicopter

Old Time Relijun Taller Than Jesus, Tour

I lived in a small town in Harrisburg, PA nearly all my life. I had friends that moved, as well as older folk who died. But when a new family moved in to the house beside ours, things began to change.

I was about 16 when they arrived, and immediately I was attracted to the wife of the new family. Whenever I could help out around their yard or anything like that, I usually tried to. It was a warm summer night when this happened...

I was out in my front yard in my hammock after relaxing from helping my neighbors pack for a camping getaway when I saw their silver van coming from down the block toward their house. The wife (Faith) got out and said that she had forgotten a bag of equipment and that it was pretty heavy, so I got up to help. When I got to their garage, she wasn't there. "Hello?" I said, and from somewhere in the house I heard her reply "I'm upstairs, and I could use some help." So I found the staircase in their house and proceeded to go up, which was when it happened.

There she was, standing in her bedroom with nothing covering her but a bed cover, and she just came on to me. First it was just kissing, but almost immediately she started undoing my pants. Already I was starting to get pretty hard, and now she was sucking on my thumb, nice and slowly. I slowly moved her head back and forth with my left hand for a while until I was rubbing and fingering her beautiful hair. She moaned and gasped a bit until she was perfectly wet. Now she got on the bed, her face down and ass in the air, and said "The Pipettes have signed to a major!"

Needless to say, I lost my bone and left.

Old Time Relijun Taller Than Jesus, Tour

Most Americans think the nation's courts have gone too far in taking Old Time Relijun out of public life, and large majorities favor allowing voluntary school prayer, keeping "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance, and allowing nativity scenes on government property, according to the latest TMT News poll. And while many Americans think Christianity is under attack in the United States today, more disagree than agree there is a "war on Christmas."

The new poll finds that almost eight in 10 Americans (77%) believe the courts have overreached in driving Old Time Relijun out of public life, and a 59% majority feels Christianity is under attack.

Majorities of Republicans (89%), Democrats (73%) and independents (69%) think the courts have gone too far in taking Old Time Relijun out of public life.

Overall, most Americans disagree with several Supreme Court rulings on the separation of church and state. For example, an overwhelming 87% favor allowing public schools to set aside time for a moment of silence, and 82% favor allowing voluntary prayer. Another 82% favor allowing public schools to have a prayer at graduation ceremonies, and 83% think nativity scenes should be allowed on public property.

Not only do three-quarters of Americans (76%) think posting the Ten Commandments on government property should be legal, but also two-thirds (66%) say it is a good idea to post the commandments in public schools. Only 15%, however, will make it to Old Time Relijun's tour:

Liking Basement Jaxxx Might Make You Attractive; Liking Sean Lennon Too Much Might Not

An acquaintance of mine made a statement a while back that’s stuck in my head ever since. Sometimes that happens, no? A co-worker, admirer, enemy, boss, cellmate, gym partner, girlfriend, siamese twin, relative, stepmom, guardian, nanny, teacher, boyscout leader, band member, pastor, bishop, friend, crane operator, receptionist, love interest, fellow Hasselhoff fanatic, therapist, sponsor, paperboy, friend of a friend, customer, mother-in-law, cousin, halfwit uncle, stalker, hot dog vendor, ticket taker, grade-school janitor, or some other acquaintance says something that you don't automatically lend any credence. Then you think about it; the gears of your mind are churning like your gut after a soiled McRib. Your teeth clench, your face turns red, your eyes water, you look like someone just punched your soul. Your bowels loosen, your sphinct- (HEY!!! If you’re wondering when I’m going to get to the meat of this news post then FUCK OFF, this ain’t a free show, so get yer kicks someplace else, hole -- I'm trying to make a point here. You gotta break a few omelets to make a few eggs, knowhatI'msayin'? GENIUS AT WORK).

But I digress. The quote that so thoroughly annoyed/vexed me? Well, it wasn't anything gravely serious, but sometimes things that aren't gravely serious -- that are maybe, say, only vaguely, trivially serious -- become more serious than anything one would have originally considered gravely serious. So without further ado, here's the nefarious, malfeasant comment, made in the passenger seat of my car: “I think I need to date someone that listens to Basement Jaxx. I’ve never dated anyone that listened to Basement Jaxx.”

I mean WHAT THE FUCK? You think someone has a good head on his/her shoulders, you’re perfectly ready to share a tall glass of rich, chocolate Ovaltine with her/him, and he/she drops a bomb in your lap. How is a self-respecting dude supposed to respond to that anyway? Either way you look like a total douche; if you say you’ve always liked Basement Jaxx, you look like a suck-up li'l bitch nosing for a dog treat; if you say you wish they’d stuck with the dub-rapping of Remedy, you’re probably going to end up in the doghouse with those other stiffs, not a tasty treat to your name.

Me? I chose the road less traveled: I changed the subject! Here’s a completely inaccurate transcription of our conversation with the salient points intact:

Mrs. X: I think I need to date someone that listens to Basement Jaxx. I’ve never dated anyone that listened to Basement Jaxx.

Me: [looking out the car window with shock] OH MY GOD, IS THAT LINDA RONSTADT?

Mrs. X: What? Where?

Me: Oh wait, it’s just a pile of old rags... so’ve you heard the new Sean Lennon, Friendly Fire?

Mrs. X: No, but I TOTALLY love that guy. I wanna have like, 18 of his babies and I worshipped his first album. So is the new one good?

Me: [deflated like a poked beach ball] Er, yeah, I guess. [slump shoulders] I dunnoooooo...

See how that turned out? I dodged an uncomfortable conversational bullet only to get hit with a hollow point: an unrequited crush. But don’t let the unfortunate ending fool you; I still played that shit off perfectly. I should be on WifeSwap, or Flavor of Love or some shit. Whatever. I’m not picky, really. I’ll even co-star with Puck in the new edition of The Surreal Life. Hell, I’ll even share screen time with that prick Dave Eggers. Actually naw, naw, I won’t share the screen with that overrated whore, but I will star with an author I’m a little less jealous of. Jewel maybe.

Now that I have that worked out, I feel totally and completely ready to unveil a li'l piece of news. Our friend Sean L., who has been heartbroken lately if the lyrics to Friendly Fire are any indication, is going on tour! THAT'S RIGHT, THIS ENTIRE NEWS STORY IS ACTUALLY ABOUT SEAN LENNON! Isn’t that crazy? No? Well I thought it was kinda crazy. Agree to disagree?

You might be a Basement Jaxx fan IF:

Illustration by Carolina Suarez

Indies Call Emergency Meeting to Discuss Impala’s Support of Warner Music Group’s Potential EMI Takeover

Last week, the media was buzzing about indie trade group Impala's support of a potential EMI acquisition by Warner Music Group. Indies supporting majors? I guess! In addition to heavyweights like Beggar's Group (Matador, 4AD, Too Pure, XL, etc.), Cooking Vinyl, !K7, and Tiny Mix Tapes U.K. Edition, Impala also lists The Association of Independent Music (AIM) as one of its members, another indie trade group from the U.K. that evidently also boasts Beggars Group, Cooking Vinyl, !K7, and maybe even TMT U.K., too (wink).

Since the announcement, however, two members have announced their intentions to leave AIM because of its support of Impala's support of WMG's intentions to support EMI with a takeover bid, which is a support system these former AIM supporters can't support. Do you know what this means? EMERGENCY MEETING TIME!! AIM has convened an "emergency" board meeting for this week to vote on AIM's position on this hot topic, and you my friend, are invited.*

The first member to leave AIM was Ministry of Sound. Although hardly known in the U.S., MoS is actually the largest indie label in the U.K., so its intentions to split with AIM isn't being taken lightly. MoS was "shocked and outraged" that it was not consulted about the decision and read this cute little poem to the media:

As far as we are concerned IMPALA support appears to have been bought by Warner in order to avoid the costly legal implications of another long winded merger investigation by the European Commission. On top of that we believe that any concessions made by Warner are in effect rhetoric and in reality impossible to enforce on a day-to-day operational basis. The music industry is a very fast moving business and should Warner choose not to honour its commitments, recourse through litigation is impractical, slow and too expensive for any independent to undertake.

The second member to announce its intentions to leave AIM is independent music firm Gut. Yep, Gut. There are several sources claming as many as half a dozen other members are considering leaving too, although AIM suggests most of its members support AIM's support of Impala's support of WMG's intentions to support EMI with a takeover bid.

The meeting is scheduled for this Wednesday in London. If you're a major label tycoon, you should consider protesting. Fuckin' G8 summit up in this.

* You may or may not be invited.

The Blow To Whoosh Across Austria, Glide Through Spain, Waft Through France, Flutter Through Germany, Discharge All Over Sweden

In the interest of upholding this site's staggeringly unbiased journalism practices, I'd like to humbly mention that The Blow's Paper Television sucks. Her voice sounds too confident, the lyrics are too cutesy, and the beats are dead-on-arrival. And let me tell you, this comes on good authority; I own a Blow t-shirt. It's got disembodied hands crawling up the chest, partially covering my Blow-loving bosom. Furthermore, the last track on their Bonus Album was the cause of quite a stir during my formative years (yes, my formative years were less than four years ago), so don't think I'm a hater of da music, either.

The last track, "Little Sally Tutorial," is simply Khaela Maricich giving instructions on how to properly play the schoolyard game, "Little Sally Walker." I had never heard of the game, since my childhood was centered around avoiding balls being thrown to me in gym class, so I was thoroughly excited to be given the go-ahead to "do that thing" with some of my closest friends. Unfortunately, my closest friends were uninterested in both "Little Sally Walker" and The Blow in general. It wasn't until one magical night that we spent hours upon hours at a local drinking establishment that their minds began to change. Sufficiently drunk, I lured them back to my place like a common pedophile and put on the tutorial. Irritated groans gave way to excited giggles as we formed into a circle and let Khaela (and Phil Elverum!) guide us in humiliating ass thrusts. So yeah. I like The Blow, but not Paper Television.

And that's how I spent my summer vacation.

ooooOOOOOOOooooooo: