Tokyo Police Club Announce Plan To Escape The Stockholm Sheriff Squad By Releasing A New Album And Touring

Dear Fans,

It appears that our longtime rivals, the Stockholm Sheriff Squad, are on the loose again and have come looking for us. Thankfully, we came up with this brilliant two part plan to evade them.

Part A – Diversion:

Our debut full length album, Elephant Shell, is due for release April 22 on Saddle Creek in North America and May 5 on Memphis Industries in the UK. We hope that the Stockholm Sheriff Squad will be so busy trying to decode our lyrics for secret messages that they’ll leave us alone for the time being. The tracklisting is as follows:

Sincerely,

Tokyo Police Club

Pretty & Nice Join Arthur & Yu, the Dutchess & the Duke on Hardly Art Records; The Captain & Tennille Aren’t Getting Their Hopes Up Or Anything, But Honestly They’ll Take What They Can Get When It Comes to Reasons to Get Up in the Morning These Days

With the economy facing seemingly imminent downturn and the unemployment rate growing higher and higher every day, it seems the Bostonian lads in Pretty & Nice have made the only smart economic decision left: Start a band and have it underwritten by a division of Sub Pop records.

With Hardly Art’s extremely competitive benefits package, 401(k) plan, and profit-sharing system, Pretty & Nice will soon be more prepared for the next Great Depression than most people half their age. And if this is any indication of things to come, I’d say America has a lot to learn from Pretty & Nice.

The group is taking their show on the road for South by Southwest next month, and I’m told that if you’re drunk enough, their performances double as financial advice seminars.

Prove me wrong:

* Exit Clov

# Fred Weaver, A. Armada

[Full disclosure: I'm good enough friends with Pretty & Nice that, strictly playing the odds, I'll probably see one of them later and talk about this very sentence.]

Cat Power Announces April Dates for North America, Dances The Watusi Despite Publicists Telling Her Not To

Since the release of Jukebox (TMT Review) earlier this year, Cat Power has been touring NON-STOP. Just kidding!! But she has been touring quite a bit. She has one show left in the U.S. (at Los Angeles' Wiltern Theater) before she heads to Australia for a li'l tour. Then she gets to relax? Course not! Cat Power has just confirmed even more North American dates with her Dirty Delta Blues band for April. Oh, boy, it's going to be doozy.

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Sierra Leone (jk!):

A Whisper In The Noise Take The Show to Europe; I’m Taking Germs And A Headache to Work!

I am sick, so my creative powers are at an even lower ebb than usual. Also, I have to go to work, so get ready for a germ invasion, retail associates!! In the spirit of this totally lackluster day and in appreciation for how much I totally want to go to bed, I present you with the following story about A Whisper in the Noise's upcoming European tour, complete with the excessive punctuation I will attempt to use as a distraction for how totally foggy and out of it I am.

So, Minneapolis-based group A Whisper in the Noise are bringing their loud/quiet/bleak/quiet brand of atmospheric rock to Europe this spring!!! They'll be promoting their late-2007 release Dry Land, available from Exile on Mainstream Records!!! WOW! Did I mention that they are touring EUROPE?!?!?! WOW, again, just WOW.

* Bombee

** The Winchester Club

Create Your Own TMT News Story In Three Easy Steps: Headlights Tour

Directions:

1. Think of an obnoxious headline.
2. Fill in the body of the story with bullshit and be sure to use the
following information:

a. Headlights are from Illinois.

b. Scout Leader Kyle is a genius.

c. They reside on the Polyvinyl Record Co. Label.

d. Headlights has a new album named Some Racing, Some Stopping coming out this year.

e. Brett Sanderson from Headlights has a large penis.

f. Headlights are on tour.
3. Add these tourdates:

all dates Evangelicals

Björk Announces Euro Tour After Exxon Mobil Announces $40.6 Billion Profit (True), Gets Off Soap Box To Let Me Have a Ride

Björk, two-time Soap Box Derby champion, has traded in her soap box for... music? That's right. Björk has said goodbye to the Soap Box world and hello to melodies and beats.

"It's true," says Derby commentator Sebastian Block. "Björk seems to be fed up with the politics of soap-boxing. And I'm not talking about the disproportionate power relations behind the scenes. I'm talking about Senator Hillary Clinton. Björk hates her. I do too."

With the U.S. economy already in a fragile state -- the words "recession" and "depression" appearing frequently in the media -- Björk claims she is most upset with Exxon Mobil's early February announcement that it has scored its highest, all-time corporate profit: $40.6 billion.

According to this article: "The profit taken in by this single company amounted to more than the gross domestic product recorded in two thirds of the world's nations, placing the company midway between Ecuador and Luxembourg, while its total sales—more than $404 billion—top the GDP of 120 countries. It is more than the entire amount spent by the US federal government on K-through-12 education."

Björk's decision to let me hop in her Soap Box couldn't come at a more opportune time, as I have been eagerly awaiting to report this disgusting news, especially since a lot of major media aren't. Somehow I doubt Obama or Clinton will specifically address this bullshit.

This soap box feels kind of good. Only at TMT I guess:

* Tim is Reader of the Day!