Two Gallants Plan Summer Tour With Time Set Aside To Recover From Taser Attacks

So Two Gallants walk into this bar, right? The third one ducks. No, come on, but seriously: these Two Gallants walk into a bar, sit down, order a couple drinks, and the bartender -- big guy, by the way, one of those rough n' tumble types, don't ask this guy how his day went, he'll either talk your ear off or bite it off -- so the bartender says to the Two Gallants, he says, "What'll it be?" First Gallant, he's like, "Something hard." Bartender's like, "Something hard?" and the first Gallant, he leans back in his chair and slams his boots up on the bar. "Something hard," he says. So the bartender gets him something hard alright -- he gets him the new Two Gallants EP, The Scenery of Farewell. "How's that for hard," he says, and balances it right on the first Gallant's boot.

So, the second Gallant's gettin' impatient, right? He's like, "I need a drink too, and that's not even a drink. That's our new EP from Saddle Creek, and it came out June 19. You can't drink a CD." So the bartender gets right up in the second Gallant's face, and he says, "I'll bet you $2,000 and the keys to my truck that I could drink your new EP faster than you could drink this bottle of rum." And like that, this bartender pulls out a huge bottle of rum from under the counter.

Second Gallant looks at the first for a second and then turns to the bartender, says, "Well obviously, that would take me forev--" but the bartender was already slamming back The Scenery of Farewell. Everyone else at the bar is looking at these Two Gallants like bartender's outsmarted 'em again, and then they start chanting "Chug! Chug! Chug!" and I swear, the bartender's three-quarters-of-the -way through with this EP, some of it's spilling on the floor, but he's getting most of it, and the bar's going nuts. These Two Gallants can't handle it; they just can't even watch it anymore, so they walk out into a swarm of mutated starving hornets, and they're never heard from again.

And that, Frank, is why your kind isn't welcome at this bar.

All dates supporting Against Me! (except last date)

London’s teeming population of amplifier-hire guys and earplug hawkers are all no doubt rubbing their hands in unrestrained glee over the news that Boris and Sunn 0))) are continuing their apparently never-ending love-in with a full live performance -- I’m sorry, LIVE AKTION with guest VOKILLISTS -- of their Altar elpee (TMT Review) in that filthy city in December. You may not be especially surprised to learn that Earth are going to be there too, providing support. Not spiritual support though; I reckon that only Lucifer himself could provide suitably evil guidance to this particularly blackened triumvirate. The whole thing is being put on by All Tomorrow’s Parties.

In related news, ‘The’ Boris, ‘The’ Sunn O))) and ‘The’ Earth have been added to the lineup for ‘The’ ATP Christmas festival. As previously reported, the ATP knees-up is being curated by former yuppie favorites Portishead, yuppies who now ‘keep it real’ by listening to Amy Winehouse, no doubt. Speaking of which, Portishead themselves are playing their first gig in FOREVER at the festival. I’m sure this will bring out more than a few of the aforementioned young and upwardly mobile individuals for a weekend by the seaside and the chance to smoke a couple of spliffs -- just like they used like to do with Julian and Tristan in ’94 and ’95 -- whilst chilling out to some ultra mellow trip-hop beatz. I’m sure they’re going to be totally wowed by the satisfyingly non-festive bands Portishead have so far chosen to play with them:

Boris

Om

Aphex Twin

Julian Cope

Sparklehorse

Oneida

Black Mountain

Crippled Black Phoenix

Fuzz Against Junk

Seasick Steve

Team Brick

Earth

A Hawk And A Hacksaw

Kling Klang

Ladytron

Thurston Moore

Autolux

Jah Shaka Soundsystem

Sunn 0)))

Françoiz Breut

Glenn Branca Presents New Work For Guitars (with Special Guests)

Glenn Branca with The Paranoid Critical Revolution

Those precious highs are going to be severely compromised by some of those dudes, I reckon. No Amy Crackhouse, either. The ATP gig is at Butlins in Minehead and is on December 7-9. The Altar gig is at the Forum in London December 10. And then, on December 11, why not go and see this guy?

Rough Trade Escapes Capture by Universal Music Group; Our Lives as Consumers Continue Unfettered, Terrorists Officially Lose

Have you ever passed by beggars on the street corner and wondered if they’re really just eccentric billionaires who spend the first few hours of their days making multi-million dollar wheelings and dealings before spending their leisure perpetrating jokes of conscience on us unsuspecting, middle-class sidewalk-trudgers??

Well, if you have, then first of all, you’re a cynical, cold-hearted prick. I mean, come on, man! These people are fucking destitute!

Second of all, you’d actually be on to something, because earlier this week, the hallowed Rough Trade record label (home to The Smiths, Destroyer, Super Furry Animals, The Long Blondes, etc.) was purchased by the independent record group Beggars Group for £800,000, which figures to be roughly $1,400,000. And you thought that they all just bought drugs with that pocket change!

The iconic record label was owned by UK record group Sanctuary Group, who, in a pretty darn Old Testament Biblical move, apparently had the good sense to wrap the legendary label in a warm blanket, put it in a basket, and float it on down the metaphorical Nile to the promise of a better life before the struggling music group itself is purchased by power-hungry Universal Music for £104.3 million in the coming days.

The Beggars group, already the proud poppa of such iconic indie labels as Beggars Banquet, Matador, XL, and 4AD, seemed happy to take in Sanctuary’s 49% ownership of their erstwhile baby for the aforementioned £800,000, despite the not-so-cute £3 million loss that the label had racked up. Now that’s love.

Rough Trade owner Geoff Tarvis, who founded the label in 1978, has touted the transition as entirely positive and hopes that the label can now reach “a worldwide level of stability and expertise.” And odds are good that Mr. Tarvis will indeed be saying sooth, as Rough Trade will soon benefit from the Beggars Group’s hefty distribution power, which makes, in addition to making me personally mad as hell that I spent all of that money on that Albert Hammond Jr. import (TMT Review), is sure to make all of the label’s releases easier to find in the U.S. And isn’t our ease of record browsing what’s REALLY important in all of this?!

So, the next time you see a beggar on the street, stop, shake his or her filthy hand, and tell him or her “thankyou” for doing his or her part to help further indie-rock by making that Jarvis Cocker 12-inch a tad bit easier to find. But don’t you DARE give that rich-ass one red cent of your pocket change!

Parts and Labor Part with Drummer After Four Years

After four years, drummer Christopher R. Weingarten has left Parts and Labor to further pursue his blossoming writing career and full-time position as editor-in-chief at Paper Thin Walls (purchased by Getty Images in May for $850,000), the popular music website. Meanwhile, Weingarten is currently completing a book about Public Enemy's It Takes A nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back.

His reasons for leaving reportedly stem from the recent explosion of interest in Paper Thin Walls, as well as the band leaving him stretching his efforts too thin. The rest of the band says that the split wasn't unanticipated, there's no bad blood, and they're way psyched to read Weingarten's book once released.

Now that a third of the Parts need to be replaced, the remainder are laboring to fill the full-time position. What does it call for? According to the band, they're looking for a "brilliant and sexy solar-powered drum machine with a clean driving record" Interested? Drop them a line.

Aesop Rock Tourdates; Consider This News Relay As To-The-Point As Diner Food and Sweet Graff

1 of 4:

Hip-hop’s earthworm with the mostest Aesop Rock is hitting the road in support of None Shall Pass, for release August 28.

2 of 4:

None Shall Pass Tracklist:

4 of 4:

For Aes of Def Jux, we pray - Dear God, Bless Ian Matthias Bavitz and his wife, Allyson Baker on this tour. Let Ian’s fly earthworm (…demeanor)…eat Allyson’s…dirt, consummating their sweet love to make little earthworms, which Aes will drop rhymes to in the womb, and, once out, challenge to freestyle living room rap battles while Allyson leaves behind any of her own musical aspirations to cook, clean, and read Danielle Steele novels. Amen.

4.5 of 4:

This was actually written.

The Mendoza Line Call It Quits, Literally, and Depart with 30 Year Low in August; A Writer Reflects on the Loss and His Own Personal Relationship with a Woman Who Didn’t Purchase Him Dunkaroos When She Had the Chance

In unfortunate news, like their songwriting heroes Richard and Linda Thompson, The Mendoza Line bandmates Tim Bracy and Shannon McArdle have ended their musical collaboration. The double-disc 30 Year Low and The Final Remarks of the Legendary Malcontent will be released on August 21 as a somber farewell to fans and an end of a magnificent venture. 30 Year Low is a mini-album of sorts that tackles the hurt feelings of the distraught couple. The Final Remarks of the Legendary Malcontent is made up of live tracks, radio programs, rehearsals, demos, and covers inspired by Bob Dylan, The Rolling Stones, and The Replacements.

While listening to the beautifully haunting album, I began to reflect on my own personal life. Recently, while my fiancée was visiting family in Canada for two weeks, she came across an item that meant much to me. She informed me that she passed up the chance to purchase the hard-to-find-cookies-dipped-in-chocolate snack, Dunkaroos. I was overwhelmed by sadness as the taste of Dunkaroos lingered on my tongue from various childhood experiences. When I ate Dunkaroos, it was like my taste buds lost their virginity and experienced a little taste of heaven.

With my hurt feelings trapped inside, I listened carefully to the jaunty Dylan-esque vocals of Bracy as he sings against scraping guitar on "I Lost My Taste," and I realized the importance of relationships. I shouldn't chastise my fiancée for making such a huge mistake, but maybe it's my fault for being obsessed with Dunkaroos. Even with McArdle's duet with Okkervil River's Will Sheff on the track "Aspect of an Old Maid," I heard the voice of a woman at the edge of 30 who has truly experienced heartbreak. I understand the timelessness of the message that settles alongside 30 Year Low. Life is short, my friends. We must enjoy our loved ones and the good music that is out there while we can. So, I formally apologize to my future wife for the torment that I placed on her and myself over the misery of missing an edible delight to the extreme. And may Bracy and McArdle have the best of luck with their future projects and experiences in their lives.

But damn, I really wish I had some Dunkaroos right now.

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