Two Gallants Plan Summer Tour With Time Set Aside To Recover From Taser Attacks

So Two Gallants walk into this bar, right? The third one ducks. No, come on, but seriously: these Two Gallants walk into a bar, sit down, order a couple drinks, and the bartender -- big guy, by the way, one of those rough n' tumble types, don't ask this guy how his day went, he'll either talk your ear off or bite it off -- so the bartender says to the Two Gallants, he says, "What'll it be?" First Gallant, he's like, "Something hard." Bartender's like, "Something hard?" and the first Gallant, he leans back in his chair and slams his boots up on the bar. "Something hard," he says. So the bartender gets him something hard alright -- he gets him the new Two Gallants EP, The Scenery of Farewell. "How's that for hard," he says, and balances it right on the first Gallant's boot.

So, the second Gallant's gettin' impatient, right? He's like, "I need a drink too, and that's not even a drink. That's our new EP from Saddle Creek, and it came out June 19. You can't drink a CD." So the bartender gets right up in the second Gallant's face, and he says, "I'll bet you $2,000 and the keys to my truck that I could drink your new EP faster than you could drink this bottle of rum." And like that, this bartender pulls out a huge bottle of rum from under the counter.

Second Gallant looks at the first for a second and then turns to the bartender, says, "Well obviously, that would take me forev--" but the bartender was already slamming back The Scenery of Farewell. Everyone else at the bar is looking at these Two Gallants like bartender's outsmarted 'em again, and then they start chanting "Chug! Chug! Chug!" and I swear, the bartender's three-quarters-of-the -way through with this EP, some of it's spilling on the floor, but he's getting most of it, and the bar's going nuts. These Two Gallants can't handle it; they just can't even watch it anymore, so they walk out into a swarm of mutated starving hornets, and they're never heard from again.

And that, Frank, is why your kind isn't welcome at this bar.

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