Twodeadsluts Onegoodfuck Offend Everyone… Ever,Tour U.S., Render Jokes Useless

There is a scene in the first season of the now-cancelled television show Arrested Development in which the youngest of the adult Bluths, a coddled mama's boy named Buster, upon being released for a day from his mother's vice grip, joins his older siblings in a healthy little bitch-fest about mother Lucille's ice-queen ways. After a few playful jabs from his brothers and sister, the normally reserved Buster joins in and unleashes his pent up fury by imitating his mother: "’Cause I’m an uptight... (long bleep)... Buster... (longer bleep)... you old horny slut!” To which his brother Michael sheepishly replies: "Well, no one's going to top that."

It's sort of like naming your band Twodeadsluts Onegoodfuck.

Right up there with dead baby jokes, nothing can make you a complete social outcast like telling people your favorite band is Twodeadsluts Onegoodfuck. And it doesn't get any easier from there. "Oh, it's just this grindcore band that works on sexual shock value," you might try to insist. "Their first CD, I Stuck My Boner In The Blender, is a genre classic, but they really came into their own on P.T. Barnum's Gallery Of Masturbatorial Disenchantment." By this point, you're already ostracized, so you might as well finish. "They put out all their releases on their own label, Foreskin Forcefield."

Seriously. And wait until you see their cover art.

If you're a-okay with lonlieness and possible persecution, you can download two new singles from the band's MySpace and then catch them on tour with Rhode Island grindcore legends, Suffering Bastard.

DRM’s Not Dead; In Canada, However, It’s A Little Poor

A study published by CIPPIC -- the Canadian Internet Policy and Public Interest Clinic -- claims that DRM technology flouts Canada’s strict privacy laws, in particular the universally feared PIPEDA (Personal Information Protection and Electronic Documents Act). According to the report, DRM is being used to collect, use, and disclose personal information of users, without giving the user a chance to agree-to or opt-out of this process. As such, it’s breaking Canadian law.

“The privacy concerns with DRM are substantiated by what we saw,” said David Fewer, a nurse who works in the aforementioned clinic. He added that in order for organizations not to be in breach of PIPEDA, and “if there's personal information collection use or disclosure going on, there has to be consent and the form of consent has to be appropriate to the circumstances." I guess he’s talking about the ‘watermarking’ of DRM files with e-mail addresses, IP addresses, and whatever else they manage to jam in there. The report also claims to have found links between DRM and internet marketing organization DoubleClick, suggesting that the information garnered by DRM may be being shared with organizations such as them.

Apple, as well as the other users of DRM technology implicated in the report, appear to have been literally too cowed with fear at the prospect of breaking Canadian laws to have responded. However, a fellow by the name of Christopher Levy gave us his tuppence worth, and we can rely on Mr Levy to provide a dispassionate view on the proceedings; after all, he is CEO of an organization named BuyDRM. "It's unfortunate that consumers have been misled by a lot of vocal critics,” murmured Levy in his sensually persuasive burr, before launching into a veritable orgy of low-grade similes (all seemingly calculated to enrage the homeless): “The truth is DRM is no more evil than the lock and key that's on your door, the alarm on your car, or the authentication system in your cell phone."

Of course, the issue of privacy is taken quite seriously up here in Soviet Canuckistan and was the main reason that Canadian courts have consistently found that Canadian ISPs should not be compelled to give up the names of alleged file-sharers to the CRIA (the Canadian equivalent of the RIAA), making P2P file-sharing essentially legal up here. Although the report will undoubtedly be pretty much ignored by those companies that use DRM in their files, this is perhaps less important than the way in which the report illustrates the fact that, for at least now in Canada, issues related to music-downloading and file-sharing are very much skewed in the benefit of the consumer of the products, rather than the music industry. It remains to be seen how long this situation will last.

Britney Spears Loses Children; I Think It’s Only Fair, Because She Made Me Lose My Lunch

In order for Britney Spears to retain custody of her children, the court ordered her to finish the following maze within an hour. The caption read: "Britney is confused and has lost all orientation. Help her find one of her kids by finishing the maze."

An hour passed and Britney was forced to turnover custody of her children to K-Fed (she thought the maze was a map). After finding out she had to turnover her children to K-Fed, rumor has it Britney got confused and used FedEx to literally send the kids to him.

[Oooh cheap shot! Hey, it's Shrimp Scampi. Anything goes. Plus, we really just wanted to have a maze on the site. Stay tuned tomorrow for some more low-brow reporting!]

Britney Spears Loses Children; I Think It’s Only Fair, Because She Made Me Lose My Lunch

In order for Britney Spears to retain custody of her children, the court ordered her to finish the following maze within an hour. The caption read: "Britney is confused and has lost all orientation. Help her find one of her kids by finishing the maze."

An hour passed and Britney was forced to turnover custody of her children to K-Fed (she thought the maze was a map). After finding out she had to turnover her children to K-Fed, rumor has it Britney got confused and used FedEx to literally send the kids to him.

[Oooh cheap shot! Hey, it's Shrimp Scampi. Anything goes. Plus, we really just wanted to have a maze on the site. Stay tuned tomorrow for some more low-brow reporting!]

Britney Spears Loses Children; I Think It’s Only Fair, Because She Made Me Lose My Lunch

In order for Britney Spears to retain custody of her children, the court ordered her to finish the following maze within an hour. The caption read: "Britney is confused and has lost all orientation. Help her find one of her kids by finishing the maze."

An hour passed and Britney was forced to turnover custody of her children to K-Fed (she thought the maze was a map). After finding out she had to turnover her children to K-Fed, rumor has it Britney got confused and used FedEx to literally send the kids to him.

[Oooh cheap shot! Hey, it's Shrimp Scampi. Anything goes. Plus, we really just wanted to have a maze on the site. Stay tuned tomorrow for some more low-brow reporting!]

The Flaming Lips Continue Buffet of Lies Regarding Christmas on Mars, So Why Are We Getting Seconds?

I wonder how many times we've reported a release date for Christmas on Mars, The Flaming Lips' highly anticipated full-length movie. It's been delayed so many times it should've had at least a couple sequels already. In fact, it's been six years. Can you believe that!?!?

I sure can. You know what they're doing right? They're dangling a piece of meat/carrot in front of your ugly face, stringing you along as they laugh themselves silly to the fucking bank. FUCK THAT NOISE. From here on out, I'm boycotting The Flaming Lips. I don't care how Wayne Coyne told Billboard that the movie has better special effects or how it's being transferred into a High Definition format or how they expect to premiere the film at 2008's South By Southwest. It's all lies, lies, lies!!

These psycho rockers need to be taught a lesson. You can't just fucking, fucking, you know, fucking make some sweet-ass movie and not release it, you know? You just can't. So if we're boycotting, this means you can't do the following: (1) listen or think about The Flaming Lips starting immediately after reading this news story; (2) watch the new Farrelly Brothers movie The Heartbreak Kid because they contributed music to it; (3) watch the as-yet unannounced Disney movie for which they wrote the theme song.

Hopefully they can get their shit together by the time they release the follow-up to At War with the Mystics, but if they can't, no skin off my back. Check what idiot Wayne said recently: "I have ideas I think could spur a great new Flaming Lips concept and a new sound and things like that. But I feel like we have to finish Christmas on Mars before we jump into anything else. Hopefully we'll be able to do that next year, though."

Whatever Wayne. STOP LYING TO YOUR FANS. JUST STOP IT.