Type O’ Negative Tour, Release New Album, Refuse to be Affiliated with this News Story

Goddamn it, I loves me a good talk show. I remember this one time I was watching that talk show with the Australian guy as host... not the crocodile-fighting Australian guy or the Hogan Australian guy, but the douche-y Australian talk-show host, guy. I know, I know, if it ain’t Maury you don’t give two shotskies, but bear with me here. So I was watching this talk show with the Australian host and the topic was [Mostly Fat] Couples With Sexual Misgivings They Refuse to Blame on Their Fatness Alone ... or something like that, I really can’t remember. There was this couple on this particular episode that seemed to typify the problems marriages face in today’s hustle-and-bustle world.

You see, the woman had a weight problem, and she revealed that when she went to Burger King with her husband he always tempted her with unhealthy food. Like, she would be all set to order a BK Broiler, which contains three-and-a-half less calories than the average BK product, and he would tempt her with fries and milkshakes, dancing around the tables like a Cheshire Cat and laughing gleefully. “See this [brandishing an onion ring]? Wouldn’t you like to eat this? It’s ever so yummy, and it’ll come right out your bum-bum!” he’d say as he did a tiptoe-through-the-tulips routine. Then he would start yelling “Mr. Fancypants is IN THE BUILDING” and expose his hairy nipples to childen, closing the episode off by pouring a huge chocolate milkshake all over his face while he opened and closed his mouth as if he were kissing a dog.

As unusual as that seems, it was just the tip of the iceberg (lettuce). The guy came back with quite the zinger, claiming their sex life was so tame he could “go to a morgue and have more fun.” Then the woman said something about Bobitt and the guy was like, “If she cuts it off I’ll shove it down her throat.” Man, the crowd really let him have it for that one! What a disfunctional relationship! As a guy who is facing the guillotine of marriage quite soon, I can only hope that when I try to order vaguely healthy items from Burger King my wife won’t suggest onion rings, or a Triple Texas Whopper, or a large Coke (instead of a wayyy healthier Diet Coke), or one of those amazing Oreo pies, or chicken tenders, because when I go to Burger King I go to eat healthy; any loving partner would understand that, right? As far as the possibility of my future wife cutting off my penis, well, honestly I don’t think I’ll be that lucky; I’m doomed to be ruled by my bouncy popcorn shrimp, and that’s just how it is.

Type O’ Negative were on Jerry Springer once, you know. My friends and I — we were all fans back then and there was a metal draught — gathered around the television set to see the sparks fly. The flurry of action was so hard and heavy I don’t even know what happened, but I seem to recall Jerry likening them to Satan and labeling them “Aids-infested miscreants” ... or something like that. I was so fascinated I couldn’t really process it all. Point is, Type O’ Negative are the band old people love to hate. Strangely enough, they’re actually pretty much old people themselves by now... shucks, never thought I’d see the day.

They’re counteracting this advance into geriactricism by recording, touring, and by catching them some AIDES. That’s right, in order to relate to the kids of today Type O’ Negative’s members have all purposely contracted AIDES to help them promote their music and schedule tours. Although long-time fans were a little shocked to hear the news, they realized they hadn’t listened to Type O’ in a long, long time so it didn’t really affect them all that much. Despite this relative lack of interest — at least in comparison to the days when they were getting MTV rotation — the goth-tinged doom-metal band, with help from their sprightly AIDES, have planned the release of a new album, most-creatively titled Dead Again, and a comprehensive tour of AIDE-approved cities, towns and off-shore oil rigs.

This BK Big Fish is healthy ‘cause it’s fish:

* Brand New Sin

% Celtic Frost and Brand New Sin