Universal Wants To Marry Your Dad and Force You To Eat Dinner, Even Though You Totally Despise Chicken Alfredo

I've never been one to call my dad an internet service provider (ISP), but he is definitely a provider of financial backing when it comes to college, and I thank him for that. Love ya, Dad! Nonetheless, an ISP is an important part of my daily life, especially being in college and no longer having to deal with the dial-up hell I lived in when my primary residence was across from a barn (thanks again, Dad). Without an ISP, I'd be totally without an outlet to the world to write horribly written news stories such as the one you are reading for an even worse website. Why do you come here anyway?

Oh, what's that? You wanted to know what ridiculous shit Universal has been trying to pull out of their ass as of late? Well, let me clue you in as quick as I can, because chicken alfredo sounds pretty good right now, and I'm fuggin' hungry.

1. Universal automatically assumes you are using P2P to trade their music illegally.
2. Universal has come up with a plan to get money from you when you use P2P to trade their music illegally.
3. This very tentative plan is called TotalMusic and involves your ISP and an extra $15 a month from you.
4. Even if you don't download music or you hate music, you still would have to pay the extra $15 a month if Universal and your ISP sleep together.
5. Universal will begin watermarking all of their music. DRM for the win, supposedly.
6. Wired's Listening Post writer Eliot Van Buskirk says the two major problems with TotalMusic are as follows:

There are two clear problems with this plan, both involving parties being forced to opt in to the system. First, it would charge all of an ISP's subscribers for accessing the music even if they don't want it and aren't downloading it. Second, a forced opt-in organization like SoundExchange would have to administer the system for all artists and labels; otherwise rights holders and ISPs would need to negotiate a near infinite number of deals in order to offer the 100% catalog coverage consumers would demand for their monthly fee.

So to sum this all up; Universal wants to automatically charge you for music, regardless of whether or not you download it.