Victoria’s Secret to Release Spice Girls Disc; Your Girlfriend to Stop Wearing Ugly Panties

I hope you’re just itching in anticipation, huff-huff-hunk-reader. Things been stale with ye olde girlfriend lately?

PROBLEM: Bad Underwear, Comfortable Love

As your life-changing-pre-marriage relationship gets warm in the cold, cold, night, things are getting so comfortable. You two lovebirds don’t need the outside world. You have a fire. A bear rug to cuddle on. Each other.

ADVANTAGE: No expectations.

Steady love is staying in, eating TV-dinners, and watching America’s Next Top Model.

DISADVANTAGE: No fun.

You: “Yup. Mmmhmm. Yea, honey. Seriously. You’re so much prettier than Tyra. Yes, she does have a big butt. Yup. You’re so right. Mmmm. I would never want those girls. Yea. They’re not... curvy... enough. Yup. Models are so... unattractive...”

“Are you going to eat that whole pint of ice cream?”

[Three seconds later]

“...And that pizza”

[Four minutes later]

“Yea, you’re much skinnier than Tyra. Yup. So pretty. So, mmmm... pretty...”

Fight me if you want, hunk-a-hunk-o’-burnin’-love reader. Look me in the eye and tell me your girlfriend didn’t get too comfortable the moment you allowed the two of you to watch Saturday MTV marathons. America's Next Top Model. Bret Michaels.

Remember my apt observation as you note the progression from sultry, to fun, to simple, to down-right I-don’t-give-a-damn underwear.

Mmmm. Worn cotton. That’s nice. I bet Tyra Banks wears worn, beige, cotton panties.

SOLUTION: A Trip to Vicky’s.

Good, overpriced, lingerie to spark up that old flame.

Not only that, reader-baby. Aside from incense, rose petals, and floating candles, YOU NEED SWEET, SWEET MUSIC. Since you’re far too love-itchy to head all the way over to the neighborhood music shack and pick up a Robert Goulet record, VS has your back.

Just so happens that your favorite Brit-pop girl-power mega-group is releasing their reunion album, Spice Girls: Greatest Hits, November 13, (first) at Victoria’s Secret. Additionally, the canned-band-best-gals will appear at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, airing on December 4 on CBS.

The disc is available January 15 through Capitol, for the less... sexy.

TOURING MEANS ALWAYS WEARING MATCHING BRAS AND PANTIES:

As you’ve probably heard from your girlfriend, The Spice Girls are reunion-tourin,’ starting December 2 in Vancouver. Other dates include San Jose, California (December 4), Los Angeles (December 5, 7), and Las Vegas (December 8-9).

Universal Risks Losing $84 Million If Nas Is Allowed to Release Nigger LP

Remember when we informed you about an increasing ideological demand to essentially eliminate the word "nigger" in rap music (TMT News)? And remember when we told you last week how Nas was pressured to change the title of his forthcoming album from Nigga to Nigger (TMT News)?

Good, because now you are mentally prepared for this:

Spearheaded by Assemblyman Hakeem Jeffries (D–Fort Greene) and backed by Brown Memorial Baptist Church member Clinton Miller and Abolish the N-Word Project founder Jill Merritt, Universal Music Group must again change the title of Nas' new album or risk losing $84 million. If nothing is done, Jeffries has urged Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli to withdraw the New York state pension fund that has been invested in Universal and its parent company, Vivendi.

“[They are] profiting from a racial slur that has been used to dehumanize people of color for centuries,” Jeffries tells Rolling Stone. “It is time for Nas and other hip-hop artists to clean up their act and stop flooding the airwaves with the N-word.”

What does Nas think? "Hopefully, people can open their minds up and lose some of their fear and deal with it," Nas told Rolling Stone. "It's just an album. It's one piece of the many things I do, and this will be one of my favorite pieces."

The New York State Pension Fund has an additional $2.8 billion invested in 16 other entertainment companies. Because this is how the world works. Barf.

Victoria’s Secret to Release Spice Girls Disc; Your Girlfriend to Stop Wearing Ugly Panties

I hope you’re just itching in anticipation, huff-huff-hunk-reader. Things been stale with ye olde girlfriend lately?

PROBLEM: Bad Underwear, Comfortable Love

As your life-changing-pre-marriage relationship gets warm in the cold, cold, night, things are getting so comfortable. You two lovebirds don’t need the outside world. You have a fire. A bear rug to cuddle on. Each other.

ADVANTAGE: No expectations.

Steady love is staying in, eating TV-dinners, and watching America’s Next Top Model.

DISADVANTAGE: No fun.

You: “Yup. Mmmhmm. Yea, honey. Seriously. You’re so much prettier than Tyra. Yes, she does have a big butt. Yup. You’re so right. Mmmm. I would never want those girls. Yea. They’re not... curvy... enough. Yup. Models are so... unattractive...”

“Are you going to eat that whole pint of ice cream?”

[Three seconds later]

“...And that pizza”

[Four minutes later]

“Yea, you’re much skinnier than Tyra. Yup. So pretty. So, mmmm... pretty...”

Fight me if you want, hunk-a-hunk-o’-burnin’-love reader. Look me in the eye and tell me your girlfriend didn’t get too comfortable the moment you allowed the two of you to watch Saturday MTV marathons. America's Next Top Model. Bret Michaels.

Remember my apt observation as you note the progression from sultry, to fun, to simple, to down-right I-don’t-give-a-damn underwear.

Mmmm. Worn cotton. That’s nice. I bet Tyra Banks wears worn, beige, cotton panties.

SOLUTION: A Trip to Vicky’s.

Good, overpriced, lingerie to spark up that old flame.

Not only that, reader-baby. Aside from incense, rose petals, and floating candles, YOU NEED SWEET, SWEET MUSIC. Since you’re far too love-itchy to head all the way over to the neighborhood music shack and pick up a Robert Goulet record, VS has your back.

Just so happens that your favorite Brit-pop girl-power mega-group is releasing their reunion album, Spice Girls: Greatest Hits, November 13, (first) at Victoria’s Secret. Additionally, the canned-band-best-gals will appear at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, airing on December 4 on CBS.

The disc is available January 15 through Capitol, for the less... sexy.

TOURING MEANS ALWAYS WEARING MATCHING BRAS AND PANTIES:

As you’ve probably heard from your girlfriend, The Spice Girls are reunion-tourin,’ starting December 2 in Vancouver. Other dates include San Jose, California (December 4), Los Angeles (December 5, 7), and Las Vegas (December 8-9).

And At the Moment You Will Know Us By Leaving Our Label and Touring With Dethklok

If I went back in time to the release of Source Tags and Codes and said “In 2007, Trail of Dead will deliberately walk out on a major label and tour with a cartoon band called Dethklok!,” you probably would have said, “That does not sound completely out of the question to me. This is not particularly far into the past. I am more concerned with your time machine.”

Well, past version of you, it looks like we’re both lucky that my time machine uses information about Trail of Dead as fuel.

The Dethklok live lineup will be drummer Gene Hoglan (Dark Angel, Death), guitarist Mike Keneally (Frank Zappa), bassist Bryan Beller (Dweezil Zappa? Steve Vai?), and Dethklok creator Brendon Small. No one seems sure what format the show will take, but if you’ve read this far, you’re probably already willing to shell out the money to hear Gene Hoglan play drums on Dethklok songs in some form or another.

The tour will hit several large universities in the Midwest and West Coast over the next month or so.

Trail of Dead have also left their home of Interscope records, perhaps thinking (correctly, apparently) that the move will result in a Reznor’n’Radiohead-like publicity boom. They referred to the label as a “prison” in their press release, which leads me to believe that Interscope, like stern but loving parents, grounded the band. The label reportedly went so far as to ban Trail of Dead from watching television, which adds a delicious twist of irony to the tour.

College kids love irony:

Charlie Nothing, The Ding of Rock ‘n’ Roll, Passes Away

On October 23, Charlie Nothing, born Charles Martin Simon, passed away at his Soquel, CA home due to an unspecified cancer. He was 66.

Charles Nothing had two public personas: Charlie The Artist and Charles Martin Simon The Writer. The former features Charlie as a psychedelic saxophonist, perhaps most well known in music circles for his recordings on John Fahey's Takoma label and in the visual art world for his Dingulators™ -- guitar sculptures made from American cars. Meanwhile, Charles Martin Simon The Writer features Charlie as an author of many fiction and non-fiction books. His non-fiction books ranged from topics like health and nutrition to accounts from the psychedelic ‘60s, while his fictional books were all over the map, with one about The Savior who returns in the form of worms to compost the earth. Charlie, however, considered himself a philosopher/clown.

The news of his death is made even sadder, because Charlie Nothing was all set to release an anthology titled 40 Years of the Ding: A Charlie Nothing Anthology on Destijl Records around January 2008. According to Clint Simonson of Destijl, "[Charlie Nothing] was invigorated with the realization that there were new sets of young ears, eagerly interested in what he'd been creating for the past 40+ [years]. It's a sad and cruel twist that [the anthology] will be released in posterus; he so excitedly anticipated its arrival."

40 Years of the Ding: A Charlie Nothing Anthology is mainly comprised of the recordings released on John Fahey's Takoma label, but also features a privately-pressed LP, a few singles, and select tracks from countless privately-released cassettes (including tracks recorded in the Venice County Jail).

Per Henry David Thoreau's advice, Charles Martin Simon had no hobbies. And according to his website: Charlie Nothing "was not born. Did not die. Does not, did not, will not exist. Charlie Nothing is the Artist." A philosopher and a clown indeed.

[Photo: Seth Tisue]

Sparta Frontman Prepares Solo EP, Another Nail in At The Drive-In’s Coffin

Oh, Jim Ward. Apparently you’ve been ignoring my obsessive phone calls about how what the world really needs right now is an At The Drive-In reunion. You even went as far as to record a solo EP just to spite me! And it’s not even rocking like Sparta sort of are or like At The Drive-In still are -- it’s quiet. No, really, you titled the EP Quiet! Dude... that’s just cruel and kind of uncreative.

And you know what really upsets me the most, Jim? When I called you to ask about this EP nonsense, this was all you had to say about it:

“After coming home from a long tour with my band, Sparta, I wanted to sit in my house and play acoustic guitar quietly. The tour had been loud and chaotic, and I was simply trying to level out. I liked how things were sounding, so I began recording them in my studio."

I mean, god, Jim, I thought we knew each other well enough not to speak in interview-esque formalities anymore? Who am I, Aversion.com!?

Sigh. You should just know that when Quiet hits stores on November 6 from Civil Defense League Records, I will most certainly be listening to At The Drive-In’s discography in protest. Nope, your five-song acoustic EP will get no lovin’ from me!

Quiet’s tracklisting: