Victory Records Countersues Hawthorne Heights… Oh My God, Just Die Already!

BAILIFF: The court of Who-Gives-a-Crap presided over by Judge
Couldn’t-Give-Two-Shits will now come to session in the case of Hawthorne
Heights vs. Victory Records head Tony Brummel. Please rise.

JUDGE: Thank you, Wilbur. Now in the interest of my seeing the links today, I’m not going to review the main points of our last session, though I would like to remind the jury of the key points “rotten zombie cock” and that “the band and the label suck a fat one.” That established, I believe we can move on. Now, am I to understand that the defendant has decided to file a countersuit? Wow, I really couldn’t give two shits.

DEFENDANT: Objection your honor! That was a really lame joke.

JUDGE: Sustained. Tony “Fucking Victory” Brummel, would you please explain your case?

DEFENDANT: Thank you, your honor. The case filed by the plaintiffs in this action is really about greed, despite the unfounded and spurious laundry list of allegations made concerning Victory Records.

The plaintiffs are now willing to say anything — no matter how untrue or defamatory — as a strategy designed to free themselves from their legal obligations to the independent record label that made them famous, in favor of the 'greener pastures' and financial inducements offered by so-called 'major' record distribution companies. Like those Virgin Records bitches! If I see them hanging around those screamo motherfuckers, I’ll break some fucking kneecaps! Those motherfuckers still owe me two records that better not suck or else there might be some unfortunate consequences... just sayin’, yer honor.

JUDGE: Well spoken Mr. Fucking-Brummel. I can see from here that three of those suburban, tight pants-wearing, whiny bitches have indeed shat themselves. Well, I guess that means I have to call a recess. We shall reconvene whenever I give a shit. Adjourned.

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