Wal-Mart “Exclusive” Album Releases Being Sold at Record Stores, Industry Explodes

Wal-Mart has brought stability to the volatile and hostile American suburb. Where would America be without $3 gallon jars of pickles and $5 packs of toilet paper that will engulf a neighbor's trees AND house? How about $4 lead frying pans for threatening children, $2 10 packs of pantyhose for robbing banks, or $12 copies of The Eagles Long Road Out of Eden?

America would be in Russia, that's where. Well, actually I guess Russia would be in America. That's right, if it weren't for Wal-Mart's everyday low prices, the U.S. Government could never have afforded the mass quantities of enriched uranium America needed to win the war. After ending the Cold War, Wal-Mart turned to fighting another war; the war on market dispersal. And, just when Wal-Mart was nearing total market consolidation, something happens. Long Road Out of Eden, which The Eagles promised to sell only at Wal-Mart (TMT News) has been appearing for sale in record stores.

How is Wal-Mart supposed to run a monopoly on album sales when other stores sell it?! Not only have record stores undermined the meaning of the word "exclusive," they've also undermined the very everyday low prices that make Wal-Mart such a vital part of American culture. Virgin Records (ironically, somewhat of a big box retailer itself) in New York has Long Road for sale for $18.99, a significant markup of Wal-Mart's $11.88 price.

In other news, Long Road was recently the top-selling album in America, despite being (for the most part) sold exclusively in Wal-Mart stores. It surpassed Britney Spears' new album, which sold 14 copies at a girl scout jamboree on Tuesday. The SoundScan sales figures reportedly accounted for the double sales that resulted when record stores resold the Wal-Mart CDs.