Warner Music Group and YouTube Meet in a L.A. Restroom, Accidentally Urinate Side-By-Side, YouTube Slips and Pisses on Warner’s Tight Jeans, Entices a No-Holds-Barred Game of Swords, Warner Wins with a Move It Learned from R. Kelly, The Two Shake Hands, and a Licensing Deal is Made

If you are anything like me, you like giving away as much of your money as you can. Warner Bros. wants to make my dreams, as well as everyone else's, come true by making sure they cash-in on the cash cow that is YouTube. In this instance, YouTube is more like a big hunk of cheese and Warner Music a giant flesh-eating rat. That wasn't really meant to be metaphorical. I'm just playing a game of Mouse Trap with my Algerian friends, and it's hard to keep my mind in one place.

The news does concern me greatly, though, which I will get to in a minute. In case you didn't hear, last Monday WMG made an agreement with YouTube to distribute any artist-related material. Under this "sweet-ass deal," Warner and YouTube will share revenue from all of the goofy advertising. Yes, it's like consensual sex. The only one that gets violated in this story is the avid YouTuber.

This isn't just a pat on the ass for YouTube, but also good news for WMG. Since WMG is the first to take part in the user-generated content of YouTube, there will most likely be more commercial distribution from other companies. Recently, entertainment moguls all over have been biting their nails over the large amount of copyrighted material that appears on websites like YouTube without permission or authorization.

By the end of the year, YouTube plans to use an advanced content identification and a royalty reporting system. This will help to identify the videos and help manage payments to the record labels. Yes, you heard that right. It's time to pay up! You were going to spend your $175 paycheck from McDonald's on a new cock ring, but now some of that cash is going to help support our poor and dying entertainers.

As I said before, this news does concern me somewhat, due to the fact that for a year-and-a-half now my dad and I have been making our own personal YouTube videos. Every Saturday evening, I usually drive up to see my dad. When I walk inside his trailer, he usually has the lighting set just right, and the camera is always ready to go. After a few shots and a couple of games of ultimate arm wrestling, we usually take our clothes off. We just stay in our boxers, of course! Don't get the wrong idea, you pervs!

So my dad and I are practically butt naked. I slip in my latest Enya mix, and we just let it go. Sometimes it turns into 10 minutes of interpretive dance during "Storms in Africa," and sometimes it becomes a motherfuckin' crump party! The trouble is that with this milestone agreement between douches one and two, my dad and I can no longer make our videos unless Enya gets her royalties. We don't have the money for this hoo-ha since we are both saving up for the "surgery." Thanks a lot guys!

Well, I suppose on the bright side I will now get more of Buckethead, Phil Collins, Lupe Fiasco, and Phillip Glass all together at once. Plus I am starting to get bored with all the lonelygirl15 drama. Would it really hurt to use a little Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?

We’re Only Making Television Plans for Nigel Godrich… Oooh-oooh. Nigel Just Needs This Helping Hand… From Beck, and Thom Yorke, and White Stripes… Oooh-oooh

A friend of mine gets a lot of stick for his endless bitching. It's mostly about how he thinks jackoff comedian Tom Green stole his ideas and potential career by performing like-minded shtick while hosting a community cable TV show years and years ago. This friend believes that it should have been he, not Green, to use this early foray into the entertainment biz as a springboard to MTV fame (read: insignificance), in and out of Drew Barrymore's pants, and into tens of homes via the Freddy Got Fingered vid rental. Now, it looks like it may be my turn to experience a similar fate and spend my future days wandering from tavern to dive telling anyone I make eye contact with that "I could've really been someone if it wasn't for...

...Nigel Godrich!" Now, I've never claimed to have m(any) original ideas, but creating a show for local and traveling-through-town bands to perform on was one of them. I was thinking of financing the whole shebang using the two-pronged method of whoring myself out and selling my '92 Honda Accord for $800.00. So yeah, basically I'm assuming that $804.27 would be enough to produce a show chock full o' quality and class. Surely empires have been built on less? Imagine my surprise when stud producer Godrich (Radiohead, Beck, R.E.M.) suddenly announced that he has mind-snatched my idea (allegedly) and has created From the Basement for British television (definitely), a show that will boast hot-piss bands playing their hot-piss tunes. He really should think about launching a podcast of the shows als... damn you Godrich, sir!

Episode one will feature the alterna-wet dream of The White Stripes, Thom Yorke, and Four Tet. The second will have Beck and Jamie Lidell. After that, it's anyone's guess as to which way From the Basement will go. Could it be more sets by Godrich's friends and superstars, or could it be appearances by Kid (sans Play) and a reunited Creed? C'mon god of revenge...

The much-traveled quote reported by top trendsetters Rolling Stone is this one: "I'm interested in the visual arts side of things, and somehow integrating that into what records have become," Godrich said. "People don't buy albums so much because, as a medium, it's changing, so I'm just trying to figure out what it's changing into, and chasing after that." Since when does "chasing" mean "stealing," G-rich? Huh, punk? The only differences between your wannabe American Bandstand and my ticket to lotusland are a well thought-out business plan, a high-gloss and fully-equipped set, the financial backing, and a talented producer/host and guests!

Unfortunately for hopeful participants who like nothing more than to yelp like jackasses and lose their shit on teevee, the show will have visual accompaniment to the artists in lieu of a traditional audience. This is in keeping with Godrich's recent leanings towards changing the music industry described above and with much of what he has been planning with Beck on his forthcoming album project, The Information. That's the one with a full complement of simpleton greenscreen videos and fuzzy felt interactive cover art or whatever the fuck they're foisting on the braying public next month.

John Peel’s Body Lies A-Mouldering in the Grave; Music Industry Is Business As Usual

It's time for some srs bsnss reporting. We're approaching the second-year anniversary of John Peel's death, something this reporter does not feel comfortable joking about (headlines aside). After all, Peel was immensely influencial on the British music scene and, as a result, the American music scene (you all know how it works). You most likely have some Peel session MP3s on your computer (unless you're a REAL MAN and you've got the lossless stuff).

Well, in case your computer is woefully empty, there are some nice people planning on releasing a double-disc complilation of Peel's fav tunes. Can I finally make a joke about how everyone's gotta make a buck (or a pound) off of every single goddamned event these days? Like the people I saw selling outrageously overpriced paper masks a few blocks from the former World Trade Center as soon as lower Manhattan was reopened and hawking them as "Official 9/11 Breathing Masks"? These questions are rhetoric, because my editors are in different states, cannot respond before this "goes to press," and will get the angry e-mails instead of me! Ha ha!

Anyway, the album is to be called John Peel - Right Time, Wrong Speed: 1977-1987. It will be released in the UK on October 9 and has tracks from all the bands you already like. However, if that's not enough to make you drop the big bills, Sir Peter Blake, designer of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band cover, is to be doing the cover of this album as well! Woo!

I swear to G-d, this is a tracklisting for a Nouvelle Vague album:

Disc One:

1. Buzzcocks - "What Do I Get?"
2. Stiff Little Fingers - "Alternative Ulster"
3. The Cure - "A Forest"
4. Killing Joke - "Pssyche"
5. The Slits - "Typical Girls"
6. The Only Ones - "Another Girl, Another Planet"
7. The Jesus And Mary Chain - "Just Like Honey"
8. Laurie Anderson - "O Superman"
9. The Modern Lovers - "Roadrunner"
10. Misty In Roots - "Mankind"
11. The Rezillos - "Can't Stand My Baby"
12. The Ruts - "In A Rut"
13. 4 Brothers - "Pasi Pano Pane Zviedzo"
14. The Damned - "New Rose"
15. The Jam - "Down In The Tube Station At Midnight"
16. Scritti Politti - "The Sweetest Girl"
17. Steel Pulse - "Ku Klux Klan"
18. The Mekons - "Where Were You?"
19. Ivon Cutler - "Life In A Scotch Sitting Room"

Disc Two:

1. Joy Division - "Atmosphere"
2. The Cocteau Twins - "Musette And Drums"
3. The Smiths - "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out"
4. Echo & The Bunnymen - "Over The Wall"
5. The Associates - "Party Fears Two"
6. Grandmaster Flash - "The Message"
7. Wah! - "Hope (I Wish You'd Believe Me)"
8. The Sugarcubes - "Birthday"
9. Red Guitars - "Good Technology"
10. Poet & The Roots - "All Wi Doin Is Defendin"
11. The Redskins - "Keep On Keeping On"
12. The Birthday Party - "Release The Bats"
13. The Wild Swans - "Revolutionary Spirit"
14. Gang Of Four - "Damaged Goods"
15. The Wedding Present - "Everyone Things He Looks Daft"
16. Cabaret Voltaire - "Just Fascination"
17. The Undertones - "You've Got My Number (Why Don't You Use It?)"
18. The Fall - "Eat Y'self Fitter"
19. Half Man Half Biscuit - "The Trumpton Riots"

The Hold Steady Tour for (Most) Boys and Girls in America Then Some… Tough Shit, Arkansas

How to make a Hold Steady:

- 1 part strung-out hoodrat with an affinity for Jesus Christ

- 1 part Ybor City

- 1 part slurred drunken poetry

- 1 part warm beer to the summer smoke

- approximately 147 parts whiskey

Mix well, keep it cool in coolers.

These would be appropriate venues in which to wave your Marlboros like magic wands and drink until you dream:

09.30.06 - Hamden, CT - Masonic Temple
10.01.06 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza
10.02.06 - Baltimore, MD - Ottobar
10.04.06 - Atlanta, GA -The Earl
10.05.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottle Tree
10.06.06 - Memphis, TN - Hi-Tone Café
10.07.06 - Denton, TX - Hailey’s
10.08.06 - Austin, TX - Emo’s
10.09.06 - Houston, TX - Walter's on Washington
10.12.06 - Tucson, AZ - Club Congress
10.13.06 - San Diego, CA - Brick By Brick
10.13.06 - Costa Mesa, CA - Detroit Bar
10.16.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Troubadour
10.17.06 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall
10.19.06 - Portland, OR - Lola’s
10.20.06 - Vancouver, BC - The Plaza Club
10.21.06 - Seattle, WA - Crocodile Cafe
10.24.06 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
10.25.06 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
10.26.06 - Chicago, IL - Metro
10.27.06 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick
10.28.06 - Toronto, ON - Horseshoe Tavern
10.29.06 - Ottowa, ON - Zaphods Beeblebrox
10.30.06 - Boston, MA - Middle East

Lisa Set to Germano All Over America This Fall

Listen... last night I said some things I didn't mean. I know, I know you've heard this before, but if you'll just wait and listen for a minute, then you can say whatever you need to say to me. Okay? Okay. So before I even get into any of the details, I just want to clarify that my feelings for you are the same, and I'm not just, you know... I'm not just saying that. You mean a lot to me, and that's why I'm not going to pretend that I didn't hurt you last night.

I guess the reason it all started is that I had a pretty long day at work. Sam's been on my ass about the November merger for weeks, but he was really laying it into me today. And so the whole drive home, I'm thinking how nice it's going to be to put my feet up, maybe squeeze in a quick nap before dinner, who knows. I'm not saying this justifies anything. Forget it. The point is, I had one of my shoes off and was on my way to the other, when you step out from behind the couch and practically scream straight into my ear, "Lisa Germano!"

In retrospect, I guess that was pretty sweet of you. I know how you love her music, and I was even going to ask you to burn me a mix so I could check her out sometime. It was just so sudden, honey. And then before I could re-orient myself, her CD was already being shoved in my face — yes, as a gift, but at the time it felt more like a threat. I'm sorry. All this shouldn't have led to any of the strong words I used. "Fuck Lisa Germano," I slurred, and nothing I can say to you will ever erase that fact. "That new album of hers, In The Maybe World, out now on Young God Records? Never should've been made." At that point I didn't even know what I was saying. "Remember her collaborations with Eels, Sheryl Crow, and John Mellencamp? Pathetic." Honey, look me in the eye. It was late, and I was being selective with my memory. Of course she's also worked with David Bowie and Iggy Pop. I know that. You wouldn't appreciate the music of some hack. You've got class.

The only way to prove to you that I'm not the man you saw last night... is to attend all 19 shows of her upcoming fall tour:

10.05.06 - Philadelphia, PA - North Star Bar
10.06.06 - New York, NY - Tonic
10.07.06 - Northampton, MA - Iron Horse Music Hall
10.08.06 - Somerville, MA - PA's Lounge
10.09.06 - Providence, RI - AS 220 Art Space
10.10.06 - Albany, NY - Valentine's
10.11.06 - Buffalo, NY - Mohawk Place
10.13.06 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Tavern
10.14.06 - Cincinnati, OH - Publico Gallery
10.15.06 - Columbus, OH - Little Brothers (8pm early show)
10.17.06 - Bloomington, IN - Buskirk-Chumley Theater
10.19.06 - Milwaukee, WI - Cactus Bar
10.20.06 - St. Paul, MN - Turf Club
10.21.06 - Chicago, IL - Beat Kitchen
10.23.06 - Detroit, MI - Stormy Records Space
10.24.06 - Pittsburgh, PA - Quiet Storm Coffee House
10.25.06 - Charlottesville, VA - Gravity Lounge
10.26.06 - Arlington, VA - Iota Cafe
10.27.06 - Brooklyn, NY - Barbes

Also, I've been seeing someone else. We'll discuss this when I get back.

Victory Records Countersues Hawthorne Heights… Oh My God, Just Die Already!

BAILIFF: The court of Who-Gives-a-Crap presided over by Judge
Couldn’t-Give-Two-Shits will now come to session in the case of Hawthorne
Heights vs. Victory Records head Tony Brummel. Please rise.

JUDGE: Thank you, Wilbur. Now in the interest of my seeing the links today, I’m not going to review the main points of our last session, though I would like to remind the jury of the key points “rotten zombie cock” and that “the band and the label suck a fat one.” That established, I believe we can move on. Now, am I to understand that the defendant has decided to file a countersuit? Wow, I really couldn’t give two shits.

DEFENDANT: Objection your honor! That was a really lame joke.

JUDGE: Sustained. Tony “Fucking Victory” Brummel, would you please explain your case?

DEFENDANT: Thank you, your honor. The case filed by the plaintiffs in this action is really about greed, despite the unfounded and spurious laundry list of allegations made concerning Victory Records.

The plaintiffs are now willing to say anything — no matter how untrue or defamatory — as a strategy designed to free themselves from their legal obligations to the independent record label that made them famous, in favor of the 'greener pastures' and financial inducements offered by so-called 'major' record distribution companies. Like those Virgin Records bitches! If I see them hanging around those screamo motherfuckers, I’ll break some fucking kneecaps! Those motherfuckers still owe me two records that better not suck or else there might be some unfortunate consequences... just sayin’, yer honor.

JUDGE: Well spoken Mr. Fucking-Brummel. I can see from here that three of those suburban, tight pants-wearing, whiny bitches have indeed shat themselves. Well, I guess that means I have to call a recess. We shall reconvene whenever I give a shit. Adjourned.

* * *

The preceding has been a broadcast of Trash Television. No one involved with Court Who-Gives-a-Crap has any legal experience or expertise or an IQ higher than 22. Please patronize our sponsors by phoning the following 900 numbers. Thank you.