Weezer is back in the studio, and I’m stuck wondering how long my series of Dada-influenced stories will last before I’m eventually fired from a volunteer position.

My friend, Ryan, told me, over beers (lots of beers), that the last two Weezer albums weren’t very good because Rivers realized he could make a lot more money releasing highly accessible pop versus songs about infant Japanese girls. Infant Japanese girls, however, have been having J-Pop shoved down their throats by parents.

Soooo, Weezer’s accessible pop has been interfering with the natural process by which young children’s ears mature and develop. By the age of 13, a youngster’s eardrums are strong and able! They can handle the intense vibrations and discern highly inventive tunes from the throbbing immaculate, diamond–studded cut of Chris Benoit’s legacy.

The Canadian Crippler crippled his ties with Weezer last week when he did away with his life and wife. But that hasn’t kept Rivers from preaching the good times. Early '08 is the projected date for the good word.

Rivers and Co. may be coming to your town, so if you ladies out there have a free night to get crazy with the “Blue Boys” and watch [Vera Drake] on the big screen in their giant pink and purple Streamliner tour van, but NO HANKY-PANKY! So you girls who want to get drunk and humped will have to find some cute Harvard alumni.

But in all seriousness, the main point of this essay is not to talk about Rivers and his battle with abstinence, but that the good ol’ boys are back in the studio starting July. Really, that is all I wanted to say. I’m not sure how we started talking about Chris Benoit or young Japanese girls. I mean, it’s true those topics couldn’t be avoided, but I just want to make clear that Weezer is releasing a new album sometime in the early of 2008. Thank you, and God Bless the United States of America.