What do you get when you cross the latest country LP by Neil Hamburger with Drag City? A shitty album you can’t get rid of.

After graciously hosting a joke-writing contest earlier this year and pleasing audiences the world over with jokes like.......

- What do Osama Bin Laden and Chevy Chase have in common?
- Neither one has released a new film in the last year.

- How do you keep flies from landing on your Big Mac?
- Unwrap it.

- Why did Julia Roberts rub shit on her vagina?
- Because she was horny.

- What did Santa Claus give Paris Hilton for Christmas?
- Well, he raped her.

- Why did Metallica cut their hair?
- Their hairdresser said it was the only way to get all that matted cum out of it.

- What do you call five fingers that are grasping a small boy's penis?
- The Jackson Five.

...Neil Hamburger has gone and recorded a COUNTRY album. Titled Neil Hamburger Sings Country Winners, Drag City has the fortunate/unfortunate task of releasing the album April 21. Hamburger's band includes guitarist Dave Gleason, bassist Atom Ellis, Rachel Haden (Rentals, Weezer), and pedal steel player Joe Goldmark. Alright, take it away Hamburger:

For those who aren't interested, and would prefer to hear only the Jokes, I have ten other albums out filled to the rafters with side-splitting gags. And there will be plenty of laughs in this music as well, not all of it related to my inability to sing in tune. There will also be many tears shed, at the pain, that is documented, in song.

Check out a sample of his "music" here.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. My name is Mango Starrrrrrrrrrr. You've been great. Good night. Fuck you.

Stop taunting me with your awesome lineup, Estrella Damm Primavera Sound festival! Stop shining a totally kickass rock ‘n’ roll spotlight on how there is absolutely no way, either geographically or financially, that I will be able to attend your late spring smörgåsbord of incredible bands. But for those of you able to jet off to Barcelona, the festival has announced some killer new additions to the roster. And for those of you -- like me -- unable to make your way to Spain, I would suggest that you just stop reading now. Because some of this is going to hurt.

Question: What could make a lineup already consisting of artists like 808 State, Bon Iver, Boris, Cat Power, Clipse, Deerhunter, Dr. Octagon, Ellen Allien, The Go! Team, Health, Holly Golightly & the Brokeoffs, Mary Weiss of The Shangri-Las, Mission of Burma, No Age, Pissed Jeans, Portishead, Public Enemy, Rufus Wainwright, Sebadoh, Simian Mobile Disco, Stephen Malkmus & the Jicks, Throbbing Gristle and Young Marble Giant and more (OMG soooo much more!) even better?

I have 16 words for you: garage punk legends the Sonics make their European debut 40 or so years after their formation. Oh yeah -- there's also the addition of seminal artists like Devo and Shellac, along with newer but no less awesome favorites like Explosions in the Sky, Devastations, Times New Viking, Mount Eerie, Moho, MGMT, Bestia Ferida, La Estrella de David, The wave Pictures, Matt Elliot, Mi and l'Au, SJ Esau, La Orquesta del Caballo Ganador, and The Clientele.

It's enough to make me want to take out another student loan.

Les Savy Fav Announce Release Of Live Album, Fans Stumped As To Why They Don’t Include A DVD

Things You Should Expect To See At A Les Savy Fav Show:

- Singer Tim Harrington kissing audience members
- Singer Tim Harrington changing outfits on stage
- Singer Tim Harrington writhing about on stage as if he’s having a seizure
- Singer Tim Harrington wearing really, really, really short shorts
- Singer Tim Harrington deep-throating his microphone

Unfortunately, you won’t get to see any of these things April 29, but you will get to hear them. Yes, that’s right, Brooklyn’s own, Les Savy Fav, are releasing via French Kiss their first live album, The Balls Drop, recorded live during their 3 AM New Year’s Eve performance at New York City's Bowery Ballroom on January 1, 2008. Digital only!

Not only will The Balls Drop feature the usual Les Savy Fav crowd favorites, but it also includes their covers of Creedence Clearwater Revival, The Pixies, Nirvana, The Misfits, and Love.

Don’t take my word for it though, check out the tracklisting:

Or film your own Les Savy Fav live DVD at their upcoming shows:
04.04.08 - Washington, DC - The Black Cat
04.05.08 - Philadelphia, PA - TLA
04.25.08 - Indio, CA – Coachella Valley Arts and Music Festival
04.27.08 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall
05.08.08 - Kingston upon Thames, England - The Works
05.09-11.08 - Rye, England - Camber Sands Holiday Centre (ATP vs. Pitchfork)
05.29-31.08 - Barcelona, Spain - Primavera Sound Festival
06.23-27.08 - Arendal, Norway - Hove Festival

Fresh off a February tour with Russian Circles, Dälek -- notorious for not giving a fuck about the past (maybe) -- are now looking to the future. As we already reported back in the good ol' days of TMT, Rjd2 is hitting the road in April in support of his sample-light LP, The Third Hand, which was released last year, not on Def Jux, but XL Recordings. Beef? Maybe! Anyway, what we didn't tell you then (because we didn't know) is that MC Dälek and Oktopus will be sharing the stage at each Rjd2 show for the better part of April. We also didn't tell you that Dälek plan to fly to Europe for even more dates, a majority of them being in France. BUT, you know what, we did give you four haikus, so you know...

Dälek released both a new LP, Abandoned Language (Ipecac), and a rarities compilation, Deadverse Massive Vol.1 (Hydrahead Records) last year, which rank at #75,651 and #68,474, respectively, according to Amazon's sales. The weird thing is that if you add those two numbers together, minus 2,358, multiply by 2, and then minus 283,534, you get 0. Spooky.

Dälek tourdates:

$ Rjd2

I’m Going to Blame the Lack of a Witty Headline Quip on a St. Patty’s Day Hangover: Here’s a Shitload of Mark Kozelek Album and Tour News, Ya Blarney-Kissin’, Leprechauns!

It has been a winter of catastrophic snowfall and poor sleep, and I am eagerly looking forward to the normally unappealing prospect of sweating my balls off in a non-air conditioned car this summer more and more. I have had it with the frozen nostrils and lips and eye-lashes. I'm sick to death of running outside at 6 AM, in -30 weather, in my pajamas, just to ensure the garbage truck hauls away the diaper-filled stinkcans. Sit and spin, Jack Frost!

The upside to this nasty season has been a marked increase in my Mark Kozelek listening, regardless of guise: Red House Painters, Sun Kil Moon, or the ultra-sexxxy moniker “Mark Kozelek.” Kozelek always sounds good, but there is something about his magic catalog that warms the soul nicely against the tumult of winter chill. After April 1, there will be an even stronger temptation to stay inside and curl up with a good book and CDs, all by Kozelek.

Through his own Caldo Verde imprint, our favorite red house sound painter will release Nights of Passed Over, a 2,500 limited-edition hardcover book containing lyrics, setlists, and a new preface by the minstrel himself (Nights of Passed Over was originally released in Portugal in 2002). The CD is not a Gary Busey-narrated audiobook of lyrics (gawd, that would be beyond wicked), but rather a beaut of a rarities compilation, collecting live, alternate, and demo versions of Kozelek beloveds, as well as the previously only-available on 10-inch vinyl “Duk Koo Kim,” dating back to 1996. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Nights of Passed Over CD:

1. Michigan (Live at Union Chapel, 2007)
2. Drop (Live at Union Chapel, 2007)
3. Heron Blue (Drum Version, 2007)
4. Leo and Luna (Only Version, 2006)
5. Carry Me Ohio (Jam Version, 2002)
6. Gentle Moon (Live at FNAC, 2002)
7. Duk Koo Kim (10” Version, 2001)
8. Wop A Din Din (Live in Lisbon, 2001)
9. Metropol 47 (Demo Version, 1999)
10. Cruiser (Malmo Version, 1999)
11. Smokey (Demo Version, 1997)
12. River (KCRW Version, 1996)

Guitar hero Kaki King of Atlanta says, “Mark’s words paint a picture of both the bleakest and most beautiful moments of the human condition. He can turn the most mundane events into vivid coming-of-age stories and the simple thoughts of a narrator into the words of a sage.” Guitar hero Kerry King of Slayer probably says the same thing. See what all good Kings and queens are talking about at these live dates:
04.16.08 - Seattle, WA - Town Hall #
04.17.08 - Portland, OR - Aladdin Theater #
04.26.08 - San Francisco, CA - Palace of Fine Arts #
05.13.08 - Tokyo, Japan - Shibuya O-nest
05.14.08 - Tokyo, Japan - Kichijoji MANDA-LA2
06.06.08 - Minneapolis, MN - Varsity Theater
06.07.08 - Milwaukee, WI - Turner Hall
06.08.08 - Chicago, IL - Old Town School of Folk
06.10.08 - Toronto, Ontario - Lee’s Palace
06.11.08 - Boston, MA - Museum of Fine Arts, Remis Auditorium
06.13.08 - New York, NY - Highline Ballroom
06.15.08 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church
06.18.08 - Baltimore, MD - Ottobar

# Dave Bazan

You want more, you got it. The new Sun Kil Moon album, April, is also available April 1. No joke, fool.

April showers bring April album:

1. Lost Verses
2. The Light
3. Lucky Man
4. Unlit Hallway
5. Heron Blue
6. Moorestown
7. Harper Road
8. Tonight the Sky
9. Like the River
10. Tonight in Bilbao
11. Blue Orchids

Bonus CD:

1. Tonight in Bilbao (Alt. Version)
2. The Light (Alt. Version)
3. Like the River (Alt. Version)
4. Tonight the Sky (Alt. Version)

Lou Reed Announces Tourdates, Loves MySpace

So, the legendary Lou Reed just announced a whole bunch of tourdates, and I swear I’ll get to those in one minute. But right now there are more important things on the agenda to discuss...

Like Reed’s MySpace profile, for example. When looking up said tourdates, I noticed that Mr. Reed has a very selective top friends list. In his number 1 spot, he has Laurie Anderson, which makes sense since they’ve been romantically linked. He also has The Raconteurs (they performed together at the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards) and a French group called Valota et Myra (because he, uh, likes France?). But the one sore thumb on his list of top friends is folk singer Langhorne Slim. I guess it could be possible that Reed is a fan of Langhorne’s music, but it all seems a little bit on the random side to me.

If you’re as curious as I am, feel free to pick Reed’s brain about social network friendship ranking systems at any of the following dates: