When Deerhunter Announce a Tour, They Announce a TOUR, Know What I mean?

Check out the following testimony taken from Deerhunter's MySpace page:

"Tonight I saw your group in Nashville. Please, STOP MAKING (what might be concieved as) MUSIC! You have no melodies, there was no songwriting skills involved, lack of chord structures, AND your songs are pathetically too long. It's an embarassment you opened for the yeahyeahyeahs. I turned my back to your group after 2 songs...and I remainded that way until your wannabe art student asses left. I would tell everyone I know not to see you...but it looks as if your front man is about to die. Seriously, get that half-ass man some help. You try to pull off this "shock and awe" pretentious bull-shit and its horrible! Iggy Pop, Velvet Underground, and Black Flag, all used some "shock and awe" BUT they had the MUSIC to back it up! You guys need to either quit for a year or learn how to play your damn intruments! I felt raped of my money tonight. I was ashamed to even play music because you guys are on this earth. I've seen over 100 shows in my life and I've seen bad, believe me, but you guys take the cake.Everyone around me was also disgusted. Stop, please just stop. If I see your flier in my town, I will take it down, if you are booked anywhere within a state of me I will publically speak and tell people not to go. You are a pile of shit in this "thing" we call the music business. Go get a job. Fuckin' wannabe's man....fuckin wannabe's. In the words of a brilliant band called Travis..."Peace the fuck out!" -Pissed and ashamed"

Now check out Paul Haney's TMT review here.

Somebody's wrong. Has to be. Either way, Deerhunter are about to head out on a newly announced tour. Is I going? Maybe, maybe. But one thing is almost certain: you are. Deerhunter's latest release is the hottest thing since Deerhoof's latest release, so if you're not actually there, then shit b, you're well on your way to losing some friends and family. Don't worry though; they're the ugly ones, and no one likes ugly people. In fact, I hate ugly people. "Does that mean you hate yourself?" Shut up, leave me alone. You're stupid.

Gang Gang Dance to Finally Release DVD/CD Project Because God’s Son (Nas) Told Them To

After experiencing delays last year, The Social Registry is set to release Gang Gang Dance's experimental film Retina Riddim May 22. What was once only a DVD release now boasts a companion 25-minute audio CD of remixed goodness, which is partly to blame for the delay. The other reasons? The original title (Twin Peaks: The Second Season) and plot (who killed Laura Palmer?) were apparently already taken. HAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!

According to Jim at The Social Registry, Gang Gang Dance "are currently working hard on their next full-length. And possibly they will be heading out on tour around the time of the DVD release." Which really means GGD has completed recording their new album and they'll definitely be touring in support of Retina Riddim around its release. You heard it here first.

Arctic Monkeys Release New Record, Forget To Change Ridiculous Band Name

Oh, them wacky Sheffeild boys are at it again, making music and wooing girls all over the world with their dashing good looks. Yep, that's right, kids, Arctic Monkeys are the coolest thing from the North Pole to hit the internet since Club Penguin. It seems that being named the Best British Band by the NME has gone to the band's head, as now they have opted to release a new record on their uber-hip label, Domino.

The new album, Favourite Worst Nightmare, is set to be UNLEASHED upon the world (oh, okay, on North America) April 23. The disc will be preceded by a single, "Brianstorm" (not sure if that's as clever as I think it's supposed to be), on April 17. If I could come up with something clever to say about that, I would. However, I can't, so here's the fancy-dancy tracklisting thing which really means nothing until you've heard the songs anyway:

The Fate of Sony BMG Merger to be Decided by March 1

The European Union recently announced that it expects to re-examine the Sony BMG merger and make a decision regarding its legality by March 1. Thanks to the independent, non-profit trade association Impala, a European court last year controversially threw into question the validity of the 2004 Sony BMG merger after Impala lobbied the EU. And now, because of Impala's efforts, either Sony BMG will either continue as a merged company (boo) or a potential four-month long probe will be launched, with a possible merger break-up.

"We have been contributing to the Commission’s investigation and will continue to do so, to ensure that the problems identified by the court are properly resolved," said Impala and Beggars Group Chairman Martin Mills in a statement. "This is essential for artists and music fans alike."

Of course, parent companies Sony Corp. and Bertlesmann don't want to upset their stockholders by waiting passively with their thumbs wiggling oh-so-gently up their mothers' smellholes, so they reworded and resubmitted their merger application to European Union regulators, with a slight spray of Jacques Polge's Coco Mademoiselle perfume for good measure. And despite any indifferent aloofness you might detect from the other majors, you can bet your sweet, sexy hips that they're very much concerned with the verdict.

Everybody Have Fun Tonight…Everybody Sea and Cake Tonight…

1993 saw the World Trade Center bombing, the super-sad killing of toddler James Bulger by two 10-year-old boys in Liverpool, England, a massive blizzard which paralyzed parts of the eastern U.S., the deaths of GG Allin and André the Giant, and of River Phoenix and his possible supplier (in a roundabout way), Pablo Escobar, the bizarre 51-day stand-off/raid at a Branch Davidian compound in Waco, TX, the even more bizarre Lorena and John Wayne Bobbitt partial penis fiasco and its influence on a generation of stand-up comedians and rappers, and too many unfortunate natural disasters and senseless massacres to mention.

There were loads of less-shocking events too: the first time Martin Luther King Jr. Day, in some name or form, was observed in every state in the United States. The "Velvet Divorce" between the Czech Republic and Slovakia finally happened, as did the "Velour Divorce" between Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz. The first Ultimate Fighting Championship introduced us to the real "beautiful sport." Man, sorry to backtrack but can you believe Bonet and Kravitz are no longer together? That truly is catastrophic. I'm still in mourning. They had an unbreakable bond, with a passion and a love that was timeless, haunting and beautiful, like, a thousand storybook romances in one. Sigh... 1993 also saw the first blush of Beck's recording career. And Bush's (the band). The Fresh Prince still recorded music, as his "Boom! Shake the Room" told the story of a young man and his struggle to shake the room with his boom-boom. America caught the "Cyrus virus" and the Spin Doctors gave frat boys the chance to soundtrack their GHB-fueled gang-bang keggers with the sound of pockets full of kryptonite. Ah, them be simpler times.

Alright, I'll give the nonsense a break for once (I can't believe I just quickly glossed over the serious and catastrophic events above in favor of pop-culturing the shit out of this story like mentioning the Bonet/Kravitz divorce, twice!). Nah, for many of our lovely, loyal readers, 1993 marks the year gods Erik Claridge, John McEntire, Sam Prekop, and Archer Prewitt came together to form their "side-project" The Sea and Cake. Separately, all four members keep busy enough to make Van Gogh seem about as productive as 'Dude' from The Big Lebowski, but together, as The Sea and Cake, they have made us wait for new material longer than we would normally consider acceptable. We may be a trifle too eager, but since 2003, we have had to make do with repeated listens to the group's six wonderfully blissful indie-rock albums while surfing their website in hopes of updates other than reports of a "new kelly-green tee" and a forum that has forever been "coming soon." That just ain't frequent enough for us Ritalin kids! After a year or two's worth of new record whispers and rumors, we can confirm that the seventh Sea and Cake album will be out May 8, contains 10 Brian Paulson-produced songs, is being put out by Thrill Jockey, and is called Chinese Democ, um, Everybody. Make 2007 a year to remember because of The Sea and Cake. And only because of The Sea and Cake.

Hold Steady Tour for Boys and Girls in Ireland, Scotland, France, the Netherlands, England, etc., and Oh Yeah, America

The price of fame for The Hold Steady took the form of a hipper-than-thou crowd in Brooklyn a couple of weeks ago, a crowd appalled at the possibility of beer soiling their immaculate Urban Outfitters threads, but not too proud to sip Pabst Blue Ribbon out of the can. Explain that one to me. Anyway, as my companions and I received dirty looks for screaming along to "Massive Nights" after a beer or five, the truth dawned on me. The $100 tickets on Craigslist suddenly made sense. Well, wouldn't you know it folks, people read music magazines! Especially One That Shall Not Be Named and decide that they just MUST check out this band, even if they hate beer and ecstatic drunken crowds and the boozy resurrection of classic rock. Oh, wait. I just described a Hold Steady show. Please go away and daintily sip your $5 beer where the word "daintily" is actually part of the territory. Thank you.

Love 'em or hate 'em, 2006 was a Hold Steady kinda year, as they showed up on a ton of best-of lists and landed their mugs on Letterman. In a few weeks, they'll be bringing the killer party across the pond and converting European crowds with a single power chord. Sweet.

Back in time for Spring Break 2k7, y'all!: