Guitar whiz and sex-symbol-no-one-asked-for Marnie Stern has a weird problem on her fretboard-shredding hands. On the one fretboard-shredding hand, a lot of guys (and girls), myself included, think that there’s nothing “hotter” and more chock full of glib innuendo than a blonde girl who knows how to handle a guitar. But on the other fretboard-shredding hand, her ability to shred that fretboard better than you or I could ever hope to in a million years is really fucking emasculating. My guess is that this is why she’s still single (even after this stunt) and we’re still total douche bags.
Despite (or perhaps inspired by???) this dynamic emotional interplay, Stern’s label Kill Rock Stars has just announced the “Win a Release Date Date with Marnie Stern” contest on their website. Naturally, curious parties are encouraged to peruse all the steamy details at on the label’s totally NSFW page, but for those who are too busy and/or bashful to look, here’s the long and the short of it (innuendo!):
- It’s open to dudes only (lame).
- Those dudes need to be from New York City (also lame).
- Stern’s new record, The Chronicles of Marnia, comes out on March 19, so that’s when you’ll need to be free for going out for pizza and doing it.
- Race, religion, and your age won’t factor in; but it’ll help your chances if you’re down with the usual hipster bullshit like Law and Order SVU, chicken wings, cute dogs, niceness, and dating girls that are over 30.
To enter, you’ve got to email a recent photo of yourself and your favorite Marnie Stern song to firstname.lastname@example.org, along with your completed application questions, which consist of these things right here:
Are you gainfully employed? Elaborate.
When/ how long was your last relationship?
What are your hobbies/interests?
What qualities do you most enjoy in a woman?
List any anti-depressants you currently take:
What do you know about Marnie and why do you want to date her?
What would your most recent ex-girlfriend say about you? Can we get her email?
Where would you take Marnie on a first date and why?
Well, shit. Is anyone here gainfully employed?