Overcoming More Communication Barriers Than Yao Ming in that Visa Commercial, Anticon Releases Digital Spring Sampler
By Alex Carusillo on Jun 11 2007
I have this really idealized version of Anticon meetings, where they all sit in the boardroom from Richie Rich and attempt, but fail, to converse in linear discourse.
::Ironic Wayne’s World Transition::
Sole: So you’re all here to talk about the digital spring sampler we’re going to throw on iTunes to preview...
Doseone: GEORGE WASHINGTON! HUGER PAINS! SPOON! SPOON! TREE TRUNKS! SPOON!
Sole: Not again… we can’t do anything right. Humanity no longer fills my fancy…
Alex: Okay this is NOT working… writing dialogue is actually quite difficult, especially when one is attempting to recreate a ridiculously esoteric style of delivery and word choice.
Why?: Where did the omnipresent author functioning as a character come from... I feel like I’m in a Vonnegut.
All: SIIIIIIIIIIIIICK
Alex 2 (wearing a moustache and thus villainous and the story’s new antagonist): Or the new Coheed and Cambria comic.
Doseone: This seems relatively normal to me.
SJ Esau: Why am I on Anticon? That makes less sense than the flow of this conversation.
Alex: No seriously, writing dialogue is way too difficult, and breaking the fourth wall is guaranteed humor.
Alex 2: Or dropping references like Pynchon.
All: hahaha! How metatextual!
...scope it.
YAO MING!
Akon Hurls a Kid Offstage, and I Still Can’t Crack a Good Joke
By Petya Romanov on Jun 11 2007
I was sifting through the pile of news briefs this morning when I landed upon a gem. Lately I have become so uninspired that all my stories have fallen ill with banality. Thanks to Akon, however, today is going to be different.
Here is the setup: Akon, the Senegalese/American hip-hop star, performed at WSPK-FM's KFEST concert June 3 at Dutchess Stadium in Fishkill, New York. While in the middle of ranting about how cool he is and how weird it was to come from Senegal, etc etc etc blah blah blah, some kid throws some trash onto the stage. Akon stops and asks for the crowd to point out the kid and then has security bring him to the front. Once the boy is near the stage, Akon uses his rippling body to yank the kid up and then hoists him on top of his shoulders and immediately launches the little dude into the crowd.
So yeah, that’s what I’m working with here. But I’m choking. I was given a story that practically had the punch line included, yet I have no idea how to deliver it. We could joke about Akon trying out for the World Wrestling Federation, but that just seems too obvious. Or maybe there is some way to tie it in with his previous controversy of grinding onstage with a 14-year-old girl. Hmm. Hmm, indeed...
Well, here are some more facts while I consider how to make this funny. Authorities have identified the boy who was catapulted, and since he is only 15, his mother would have to press charges. No word on if the family will go through with that yet, but the Akon camp (Akon/Family?) is saying nothing illegal happened.
Okay. After thinking about it, I feel it would be irresponsible to try and make a joke out of this incident. That would be like making fun of Nancy Kerrigan in text form when the video is much funnier. So, without further ado, peep these two videos: [1] [2].
Hot Topic To No Longer Smell Like Ass; TMT Newswriter AJ Pacitti Partners With Teen Spirit, Lysol, and Glade Plugins in a Landmark Effort To install Two Million Air Fresheners in Stores Nationwide; To Leave 13-Year-Old Goths With Nothing But Now-Realized Desire To Suck Each Other’s Blood
By AJ Pacitti on Jun 8 2007
"People were telling us that the stores were too dark, gothic and intimidating to the average customer," said Hot Topic’s Chief Financial Officer James McGinty in a press conference, as quoted in this CNN article.
McGinty’s announcement marks a noteworthy attempt to soften the black-clouded blow of the “I like cheese”/”I hear voices”/”People like you are the reason people like me are on medication”-tee-shirted masses of Good Charlotte-listening, Napoleon Dynamite-laughing, vacant-staring-from-too-much-video-gaming clientele.
Generalizing aside: after enduring three years of declining sales (post the store’s '90s success), Hot Topic wants to go softer. Seriously. McGinty says HT is responding to changing customer interest, that the style of the store’s regulars is changing, and scaring away seemingly normal people isn’t making money anymore.
Now that’s business sense.
Forget a long-vested commitment to prickly exteriors. Forget ANGRY BOIZ finding love when accidentally touching hands with HOTT REBEL GURLZ while perusing a rack of parachute pants. Forget said ANGRY BOIZ defining said HOTT REBEL GURLZ by the size of their plastic-y messenger bag purses. Forget piercings paid for by allowances. Hell, forget everything the red-bleeding logo letters stand for.
Sure, paint over the black walls, brighten the color scheme, and re-organize the merchandise displays. I’m guessing HT could be (er..?) more marketable then. But in essence, McGinty & co. are making a tragic error: providing an easy platform for complaints from their exclusive market of dissatisfied ANGRY KIDZ. Great. Another thing for said ANGRY BOIZ and HOTT REBEL GURLZ to want to eat my puppy over, besides inner-conflicts over suburbia, growing up, and the boy/girlfriend they met while perusing the parachute pants rack that never understood their conflict over... suburbia and growing up. Mmmm. Things will be nice.
As long as a change is in order though (something that would be worth looking into), Mister McGinty is eliminating Hot Topic’s uninviting smell (a rank balance of incense, cheap fabric, and ass). That ought to round up some customers faster than you can say "Jesus Christ, Marilyn Manson kills puppies! OH MY GOD! I heard he eats puppies! Live! Who the FUCK kills puppies? I know you think it's an urban legend, but he even looks like a fucking puppy killer!"
Alright, so -- air fresheners, McGinty, please?
On that note, ANGRY BOIZ: maybe it isn’t your imposing parachute pants that pushed that aforementioned rack-perusing (HOTT REBEL GURL) honey away. This is the anthem. Throw all your hands up. Seriously. I’ll rub some Teen Spirit under your arms so fast you won’t smell the hygiene hitting you.
Gogol Bordello To Release New Album, Tour, Rep Immigration
By Joseph Coscarelli on Jun 8 2007
Gypsy punk is the new black. Or at least it should be. With all this so-called, new-fangled ‘blog house’ music going around right after ‘screamo’ and ‘dance punk’ went out of fashion, what we need is some diversity. The turnaround on the internet is working in cycles of about 12 minutes now, so we'll be poised for a Next Big Thing in about... 4 minutes if my calculations are correct. Peter, Bjorn and John aren't cool anymore, right? Here on this soapbox, I'd like to nominate the aforementioned genre of ‘gypsy punk’ for a spot in the limelight. Sure, Beirut and DeVotchKa were warming up, but its been a minute, and I just don't think the sub-genre has peaked yet. Plus, Gogol Bordello are legit to the max. Real immigrants!
I know being an immigrant isn't the hottest thing in the Red, White & Blue these days, but don't worry, these guys are not from Mexico. I repeat: Gogol Bordello are immigrants, but are NOT from Mexico -- and they're not even Muslim. That's right, you can stop shielding your children's eyes. Everyone is still safe and so are your jobs! Phew. I know I got you nervous for a little bit there when I brought in the whole immigration thing. Your palms got all sweaty and your heart started beating fast. Don't worry, I empathize; I really do. This is America. And as Toby Keith once said, "We'll put a boot in your ass. It's the American way." Just have to put it out there. We're watching you, Gogol Bordello. Stay lawful.
That said, Gogol Bordello have been holding it down on the Lower East Side since 1999 playing a hybrid of The Clash-style punk music, open to influence (but not like Mick Jones' Clash; that's mostly garbage) and traditional Eastern European music. Lead singer Eugene Hutz is even blossoming as an actor, starring alongside Iggy Pop-to-be Elijah Wood in the big screen adaptation of Everything Is Illuminated (in which music by DeVotchKa and Gogol Bordello can be heard). And while I can't personally vouch for their legality, I can say that I am anticipating their forthcoming full-length, Super Taranta!, due July 10 on Side One Dummy.
Say "No!" to amnesty.
Tracklisting:
Tourdates:
06.08.07 - Red Rocks Amphitheatre - Morrison, CO
06.09.07 - Belly Up - Aspen, CO
06.16.07 - Bonnarroo Festival - Manchester, TN
06.24.07 - Donauinsel Festival - Vienna
06.25.07 - Sherwood Festival - Padova, Padova
06.26.07 - Villa Ada - Rome, Roma
06.28.07 - Festival - Milano, Milano
06.29.07 - Eurockennes - Belfore
06.30.07 - Roadfest - Zerajanin, Serbia
07.01.07 - Pier Pressure - Goteborg
07.04.07 - Rock For People - Prague
07.06.07 - Ruisrock - Turku
07.07.07 - T In the Park - Perth and Kinross
07.08.07 - Oxegen - Dublin, Dublin
07.12.07 - Festival D'ete d'Youville Square - Quebec City, Quebec
07.13.07 - Ottawa Cisco Systems Bluesfest - Ottawa, Ontario
07.14.07 - Majestic Theatre - Detroit, MI
07.15.07 - Vic Theatre - Chicago, IL
07.17.07 - House of Blues - Cleveland, OH
07.18.07 - 9:30 Club - Washington DC, WA
07.19.07 - Trocadero - Philadelphia, PN
07.20.07 - Irving Plaza - New York, NY
07.21.07 - Iriving Plaza - New York, NY
07.25.07 - Fel Sziget - Tag Mures
07.26.07 - Storsjoyran - Ostersund
07.27.07 - Storas Festival - Trondheim
07.28.07 - Festival Musicas do Mundo - Portugal
07.29.07 - Festival - Paleo
08.09.07 - Oya Festival - Oslo
08.10.07 - Sziget Festival - Budapest
08.11.07 - Heitere - Zofingen
08.12.07 - Festival - Taubertal
08.14.07 - Parades de Couraua - Portugal
08.16.07 - Pukkelpop - Hasselt
08.17.07 - Openair -Gampel
08.18.07 - Beautiful Days - Exeter
08.20.07 - Radio Onda Durto Festival - Brescia, Brescia
08.21.07 - Ariano Folk Fest - Ariano
08.22.07 - Ippodromo - Firenze, Firenze
08.24.07 - Reading Festival - Reading
08.25.07 - Leeds Festival - Leeds
08.27.07 - House of Blues - San Diego, CA
08.28.07 - Henry Fonda Theatre - Los Angeles, CA
08.29.07 - The Fillmore - San Francisco, CA
08.31.07 - Crystal Ballroom - Portland, OR
09.01.07 - Bumbershoot Festival - Seattle, WA