World ... North American... U.S. (???) Exclusive: Primal Scream Back With Red Hot Height-of-Their-Popularity DVD! Get Your Rocks Off! Woohoo…Rock 'n' Roll! Yeah! Groupies, Blow Like You're Blowing a 24-Karat Trumpet! Etc.

By Petya Romanov on Jun 11 2007

I was sifting through the pile of news briefs this morning when I landed upon a gem. Lately I have become so uninspired that all my stories have fallen ill with banality. Thanks to Akon, however, today is going to be different.

Here is the setup: Akon, the Senegalese/American hip-hop star, performed at WSPK-FM's KFEST concert June 3 at Dutchess Stadium in Fishkill, New York. While in the middle of ranting about how cool he is and how weird it was to come from Senegal, etc etc etc blah blah blah, some kid throws some trash onto the stage. Akon stops and asks for the crowd to point out the kid and then has security bring him to the front. Once the boy is near the stage, Akon uses his rippling body to yank the kid up and then hoists him on top of his shoulders and immediately launches the little dude into the crowd.

So yeah, that’s what I’m working with here. But I’m choking. I was given a story that practically had the punch line included, yet I have no idea how to deliver it. We could joke about Akon trying out for the World Wrestling Federation, but that just seems too obvious. Or maybe there is some way to tie it in with his previous controversy of grinding onstage with a 14-year-old girl. Hmm. Hmm, indeed...

Well, here are some more facts while I consider how to make this funny. Authorities have identified the boy who was catapulted, and since he is only 15, his mother would have to press charges. No word on if the family will go through with that yet, but the Akon camp (Akon/Family?) is saying nothing illegal happened.

Okay. After thinking about it, I feel it would be irresponsible to try and make a joke out of this incident. That would be like making fun of Nancy Kerrigan in text form when the video is much funnier. So, without further ado, peep these two videos: [1] [2].

By AJ Pacitti on Jun 8 2007

"People were telling us that the stores were too dark, gothic and intimidating to the average customer," said Hot Topic’s Chief Financial Officer James McGinty in a press conference, as quoted in this CNN article.

McGinty’s announcement marks a noteworthy attempt to soften the black-clouded blow of the “I like cheese”/”I hear voices”/”People like you are the reason people like me are on medication”-tee-shirted masses of Good Charlotte-listening, Napoleon Dynamite-laughing, vacant-staring-from-too-much-video-gaming clientele.

Generalizing aside: after enduring three years of declining sales (post the store’s '90s success), Hot Topic wants to go softer. Seriously. McGinty says HT is responding to changing customer interest, that the style of the store’s regulars is changing, and scaring away seemingly normal people isn’t making money anymore.

Now that’s business sense.

Forget a long-vested commitment to prickly exteriors. Forget ANGRY BOIZ finding love when accidentally touching hands with HOTT REBEL GURLZ while perusing a rack of parachute pants. Forget said ANGRY BOIZ defining said HOTT REBEL GURLZ by the size of their plastic-y messenger bag purses. Forget piercings paid for by allowances. Hell, forget everything the red-bleeding logo letters stand for.

Sure, paint over the black walls, brighten the color scheme, and re-organize the merchandise displays. I’m guessing HT could be (er..?) more marketable then. But in essence, McGinty & co. are making a tragic error: providing an easy platform for complaints from their exclusive market of dissatisfied ANGRY KIDZ. Great. Another thing for said ANGRY BOIZ and HOTT REBEL GURLZ to want to eat my puppy over, besides inner-conflicts over suburbia, growing up, and the boy/girlfriend they met while perusing the parachute pants rack that never understood their conflict over... suburbia and growing up. Mmmm. Things will be nice.

As long as a change is in order though (something that would be worth looking into), Mister McGinty is eliminating Hot Topic’s uninviting smell (a rank balance of incense, cheap fabric, and ass). That ought to round up some customers faster than you can say "Jesus Christ, Marilyn Manson kills puppies! OH MY GOD! I heard he eats puppies! Live! Who the FUCK kills puppies? I know you think it's an urban legend, but he even looks like a fucking puppy killer!"

Alright, so -- air fresheners, McGinty, please?

On that note, ANGRY BOIZ: maybe it isn’t your imposing parachute pants that pushed that aforementioned rack-perusing (HOTT REBEL GURL) honey away. This is the anthem. Throw all your hands up. Seriously. I’ll rub some Teen Spirit under your arms so fast you won’t smell the hygiene hitting you.