Xiu Xiu and/or Sunset Rubdown and/or Ann Coulter U.S. Tour

Hey guys! Can't talk long, I really can't bear to be away from my new online hangout, www.p2plawsuits.com, for more than a few seconds at a time. That site is "the greatest"! Wait... is it possible to get sued for using the name of a Cat Power album without written permission and paid royalties? To be on the safe side, let's keep that little misstep between "just the two of us." Shit, it happened again... I'd better just "give up."

As I was saying, I have taken time out of my wildly busy schedule helping the music community to share some good news: Sunset Rubdown and Xiu Xiu are going on tour! Xiu Xiu will presumably be promoting their recently released (on Release the Bats) collaborative 12-inch with Grouper, while Sunset Rubdown will be promoting the simple act of a Sunset Rubdown, because, hell, we can all use one of those every now and again. Bonus: as penance for her typically inappropriate comments regarding John Edwards and the GLBT community at large, Ann Coulter has made a special deal with humanity, in which we begin to forgive her in exchange for her doing a cover of "Fabulous Muscles" at every one of Xiu Xiu's dates. On a side note, Ann Coulter had several advertisers pull all ads from her website due to her comments, officially making TMT a more reliable advertising location.

I luv irony OH:

On the go-oo-ood ship MTV, it’s a swee-ee-eet trip to get unemployment pogey. Where the laid-off play, on the sunny beach of Cleanoutyourdesk ‘n’ getofftheproperty Bay!

In mid-February, it was widely rumored (but not by us) that up to 500 jobs would be lost at the still-so-very-relevant MTV after reports hinted that parent company Viacom was "disappointed" with its offspring's performance of late. We are here to recap the goings-on at our fifth favorite music video conglomerate.

A few weeks ago, MTV president Christina Norman responded to the (remaining) employees concerned with rampant web whispers and the future of MTV as they knew it with a post-layoff statement that contained the usual array of awesome phrases about "losing good people" and finding "new ways to connect with our audience" and needing everybody's "creativity, passion and innovation more than ever as we embark on the next great era for MTV, representing and reflecting young people [just as long as they are blonde, bronzed, and buxom -- writer's note]. It ended up being closer to 250 MTV workers losing their jobs, mostly in the Program Planning & Scheduling, News, MTV Docs, Music Marketing and Program Promotions (Music? Oh yeah, music television), Production Events, and the MTV2 P&D departments. The full spectrum of world channels has been axed as well, namely, MTV Desi (aimed at South Asian American viewers), MTV Chi (Chinese Americans), and MTV K (Korean Americans). You would think that attracting new, atypical MTV viewers at this time might be in their best interest, but what do we know. We don't run MTV, we just skewer it.

On March 1, MTV International Networks confirmed that it will be "restructuring" its international operations, which will result in job losses around the 250 employee mark, roughly 8% of its workforce. So, we are back to approximately 500 total job losses again. The "restructuring" will transfer employees from MTV's Latin American office in Miami and Emerging Markets division in London and will cut jobs in Asia. In a statement issued by MTVNI president Bob Bakish, "These changes will position us well for the next phase of our growth -- increasing our operation margins through more efficient corporate structures." The moves are expected to help "build our multiplatform brand portfolios in priority markets and expand growing revenue areas such as ad sales, digital media and consumer products," he added. He then apparently stood on top of his virtual soapbox and shouted flaming buzz phrases like "REFINE BUSINESS AND ORGANIZATIONAL MODELS" and "INFLECTION POINT" and "KEY GROWTH AREAS" and "SHOOT AHEAD OF THE DUCK." Then, in a even more remarkable turn of events, Bakish allegedly broke down weeping and muttering, "We should have bought YouTube... We should have bought YouTube... We should have bought YouTube...."

What does it all mean? Well, some people have lost their jobs at MTV, and the marketing budget for the not-at-all-scripted teen and slow-adult powerhouse The Hills hasn't been dented. Good. If I can't see a Hills commercial every few minutes, then life just ain't worth living. There is always something more important than a few hundred people losing their jobs. Get over it, losers, but keep tuning in to MTV!

As if an attempt to prove gray hair does not have to hold you back, Adam Yauch, a.k.a. MCA a.k.a. Nathaniel Hörnblowér of Beastie Boys fame, has finally landed the dream producing job of every 1980s boy with no future and a lot of angst. Yauch, after several tries and lots of talk, will be producing the latest Bad Brains record.

The group decided to go for the classic lineup this time, featuring singer H.R., guitarist Dr. Know, bassist Darryl Jenifer, and drummer Earl Hudson. For those of you too young to appreciate the importance of Bad Brains, run as quickly as your tiny little mix tape legs will carry you to the video store and rent American Hardcore. Not only will you see Dr. Know and H.R. waxing off on what the hardcore punk scene used to be like, but you will also be educated on other bands that truly matter.

According to Billboard, the new record is titled Build a Nation and is slated for an early summer release, tentatively floating around the months of late May/early June. Megaforce Records will put out the album, the same Megaforce that helped launch the career of Metallica and keep the career of Mushroomhead blooming. (YES!)

Things finally seem to be coming full circle for the little Beastie. It was rumored the name Beastie Boys was chosen because the B and B were inspired by the B and B of Bad Brains, and Bad Brains helped the Boys get off their feet. The boys first made an attempt to return the favor and mix minds with the Brains way back in the '90s, but after losing a battle to Madonna’s record label, Maverick, they were forced to wait until now.

Bad Brains are looking to return to their fast-paced hardcore roots with this release, abandoning the reggae-tinged releases of late. As for tour dates? Look for a few shows on the East and West Coasts, including an appearance with Beastie Boys at the Sasquatch Festival, held May 26-27 at the Gorge in George, Washington. However, Jenifer has said to not expect a big 30-date summer extravaganza.

Hey Hey CMJ, How Many Boys Did You Kill Today?

The CMJ Music Marathon has announced plans to merge with NYU for a hostile takeover of lower Manhattan. Slated to occur between Tuesday, October 16 and Saturday, October 20, the 27th CMJ Music Marathon is taking no prisoners. Not content with the levels of saturation normally achieved during its four-day stronghold on Manhattan and Brooklyn, CMJ is wisely teaming up with the fastest property-acquiring, tri-letter institution in the tri-state area. Worried about the plans to turn your rehearsal space into new freshman dorms? Better apply to play CMJ now! After all, CMJ's press release would like to take credit for the careers of The Shins ('06), Motion City Soundtrack ('05), The Arcade Fire ('04), The Killers ('03), Modest Mouse ('98), Eminem ('98), Black Eyed Peas ('97), Wilco ('96), Green Day ('94), Queen Latifah ('90), The Beastie Boys ('85), U2 ('85), Red Hot Chili Peppers ('84), and R.E.M. ('83).

To continue copying and pasting, there is alternative fun for those who aren't interested in music: test out panels, keynote speeches, film premieres, a Continuing Legal Education symposium, mentoring sessions, tutorials, and a sizzling, interactive lifestyle area. New York was rather lacking in the latter!

Random Tiny Mix Tapes Quiz

Which character is dry roasted?

A. Picasso the Monkey

B. Homer

C. President Bush

D. Edgar Bronfman Jr., Warner Music CEO

E. Mr. Peanut

In episode 8F04, season three, this character earns employee-of-the-month by averting a nuclear meltdown.

A. Picasso the Monkey

B. Homer

C. President Bush

D. Edgar Bronfman Jr., Warner Music CEO

E. Mr. Peanut

Who once had a column on TMT giving free advice?

A. Picasso the Monkey

B. Homer

C. President Bush

D. Edgar Bronfman Jr., Warner Music CEO

E. Mr. Peanut

According to Zack, what are the three worst things that can happen to a kid?

A. Measles, mumps, and money

B. Measles, money, and marriage

C. Measles, mumps, and midterms

D. Measles, money, and mothers

After being shown a map of Brazil by Brazillian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, this character said "Wow! Brazil is big."

A. Picasso the Monkey

B. Homer

C. President Bush

D. Edgar Bronfman Jr., Warner Music CEO

E. Mr. Peanut

This character compared Napster to slavery and Soviet communism.

A. Picasso the Monkey

B. Homer

C. President Bush

D. Edgar Bronfman Jr., Warner Music CEO

E. Mr. Peanut