You Can’t Pay the Rent With an MV&EE North American Tour

Matt Valentine and Erika Elder (along with mystical miscreants The Bummer Road) will soon find themselves embarking on a nationwide tour in support of their latest LP, entitled Green Blues, which sees official release Tuesday on Ecstatic Peace. As for the tour... There will be music during this tour, yes, but as any true fan knows, you don't go to an MV&EE show just for the jams. As is his custom, Valentine will invite audience members to spend the rest of the evening inside his great beard upon conclusion of the formal show. Ecstatic Peace is keeping hush-hush on the details, but we can surmise from past visits to the beard that there will be nothing less than:

- Free Pizza
- A carousel
- An Olympic-sized swimming pool
- An Internet cafe
- Street performers
- A 24-Screen movie megaplex
- A manmade rock-climbing Wall
- A "theme" wedding chapel
- A Three-story arcade
- A Sushi bar
- Lazer tag
- A Zoo

Some of my fondest memories have been spent inside that magical mass of hair, and I hope you'll stick around after the shows to experience it for yourself.

Little known fact: the MV&EE album title Mother of Thousands is actually a reference to Matt's beard, it being a microcosm of lush plant and animal life:

President Bush Allows The Octopus Project to Tour This February in Order to Compensate Sending 20,000 Additional Troops to Iraq

Yes, I have caught on to what is going on around me. Gas prices have been riding a sexy escalator beneath the terrible two-dollars-a-gallon and a bag of chips, and American Idol is back on the pooper -- so why wouldn't Americans be happy?

This just doesn't add up for me. Sorry Charlie! You can't expect me to just act like all is well in freaking la la land, because the shit has hit the fan harder than James Brown hit the crack pipe. Oh, so The Octopus Project are going on a small tour in February? Well, that doesn't make everything better, but it is a start!

Did you notice what I just did? It's called a transition, and it was off the ch... ch... ch... chains. I'll admit that I'm in cahoots with The Octopus Project. Their collaboration with Pittsburgh's Black Moth Super Rainbow, appropriately titled The House Of Apples & Eyeballs, was mos def one of the top unacknowledged albums of 2006. You can be the judge of that by streaming the album yourself. The Octupuses or Octupi (both are acceptable and incredibly stupid) will gyrate into a hip Seattle studio to record with producer Ryan Hadlock (The Gossip, The Black Heart Procession, Stephen Malkmus, Blonde Redhead) as soon as you're done gawking at them.

Dance your cares away with these tourdates:

Who Needs Opie & Anthony When You Can Have Belle & Sebastian? FCC Mulls “Indie Play” Proposal

The FCC... you know, that body that's supposed to regulate radio & television? Well, according to The Hollywood Reporter, the FCC is considering a proposal that would require airtime on the radio for independently produced music. This rumored requirement would be part of a settlement in the payola scandal that has tarnished the radio industry's reputation of late.

"There are two components," a source told the Reporter. "There's an education component for people in the industry, where it is spelled out that you can do this and not do that, and there is a code of conduct. Then there is the airtime component."

"WTF?! NOT SO FAST," says Senator Russ Feingold of Wisconsin. He urges the FCC to not allow an industry which has already been shown to have violated payola rules to police themselves.

FMQB.com outlined an open letter that the Senator wrote to FCC Chairman Kevin Martin. It contained the following recommendations:

- ensure future compliance with the law and reassure consumers they will have access to small, independent and local labels and artists via the public airwaves
- require radio stations to allow meaningful access to the airwaves for independent labels and local artists
- a weekly airtime commitment for indie labels and artists
- regulations that would prevent radio companies from meeting their obligation only in certain cites, formats, or during low-listener time-slots
- full disclosure of any and all payola-related reports and documents, possibly as part of a company's quarterly or annual fiscal reports
- allow Senator Feingold to host his own show, where women will ride the sybian and he can play hour blocks of Cowboy Junkies

The Pirate Bay says “Arrrrrr Mateys… We Be Buying Islands To Keep Those Scurvy Knaves Away!”

Yes, it's true. Those rascally pirates of Swedish website [?The Pirate Bay] are looking to protect their precious illegal activities by purchasing their very own island. Again, this is a true story, not some crazy TMT commentary on boners (though I'm sure there could be a lot said about boners in such a piece).

The site, which had previously relocated to the Netherlands to keep their pirate boat afloat, is currently attempting to raise money to purchase a 'micronation' called The Principality of Sealand. More than simply a catchy name, this island would apparently shelter them, as it is outside of the jurisdiction of any other country. Anyone who has donated to the landlubber-fighting cause would be granted citizenship to this mighty nation (ahem, man-made structure). Unfortunately for the mighty pirates and their noble cause, the micronation is not recognized by many true-blue nations as being a legitimate sovereign entity. That said, good luck, Pirate Bay! May this not take the wind from your mighty sails!

Ratatat Sets It And Forgets It, Tours

Get your credit cards ready, because the two-man banana-rama Ratatat are launching their unparalleled, perpendicular whirlwind tour starting January 27, sweeping Europe by storm with what promises to be the experience of a lifetime at an affordable price. And, if you act now, we'll throw in a show in London, a show in Germany, and a show in Sweden.

What is that? Will the Ratatat tour bend or even break?

Fear not, the Ratatat tour sports exciting new technology that was originally designed for NASA. The sound was engineered in a clean room by actual German scientists, bringing you the finest, crispest tones this side of the Danube. The outer shell was subjected to a barrage of stress tests and impact analyses in a recent major university double-blind study, so you can trust Ratatat. And if that doesn't convince you, just watch. I can drop it on the floor and step on it. Folks, that German engineering really holds, and that's saying something!

Surely you must be thinking that an amazing deal such as this would cost upwards of $10,000. But Ratatat, swirling electric guitar whizzes and licensed chiropractors, has issued its personal guarantee that YOU can own a piece of this tour for the low, low price of: A plane ticket to Europe.

But that's not all! If you call within the next 10 minutes, Ratatat will give you the show in London, the show in Germany, the show in Sweden, AND a certificate of authenticity with YOUR name on it, AND we'll even give you a show in Turkey as our gift to you. All this can be yours in three easy installments of: A plane ticket to Europe. All you have to do is call now; Ratatat is standing by.

Sorry, no CODs:

Courtney Love Talks Cobain Movie, Still Never Killed Him

How many times have you heard Courtney Love's name mentioned when someone suddenly feels the need to blurt out, "SHE KILLED HIM!!!" Let's get one thing straight: While it appears she has seriously cashed in on Kurt Cobain's death, she didn't kill him. She may be slightly amoral and self-serving to a fault, but bitch didn't murder her husband. I know it's tempting, lo these 13 years later, to soothe your aching heart with a fabricated story about the poor, sad, pure-hearted hero and his homicidal, ball-breaking wife, but let's all get a life, shall we?

Besides, if hating Courtney Love for Kurt-related reasons is your thing, I've got a new tidbit for you to chew on. Apparently, Ms. Love is in talks with several studios about a film version of Charles Cross' Cobain biography, Heavier Than Heaven, to which she owns the rights. The movie hasn't been written and doesn't have a director attached to it yet, but C-Love assures us that it will be "A list and high end [sic]." I guess that means Jerry Bruckheimer's producing, Michael Bay is directing, and we'll see Brad Pitt as you-know-who?

Listen, I kind of wanted to make more jokes about this, but half of me is creeped out about poking fun at the dead (especially when said deceased played such an integral role in my pre-teen life) and the other half thinks that anything I could say would be a cheap shot. So are you happy, news? You've finally shut me up! But you haven't seen the last of me...