You Have Been Cordially Invited to Attend The Debut of Kevin Drew

To officially launch the start of the new social season, Arts & Crafts will be holding a debutantes ball on September 18 to commensurate Colonel Reginald Drew's coming-of-age son, Kevin Drew. The debs ball will celebrate young Drew's eligibility to be married into the highest circles of the broken socialite scene. As you may remember, last year's debut of Aziz Ansari caused major rifts amongst the indie nobility for his failure to the adhere to the standard attire of dinner-jacket/bow-tie, resulting in his expulsion from the upper echelon of hipster aristocracy and his fall from grace into the crass world of MTV. Let's hope that Drew does not repeat this Faulkneresque episode and is able to retain his position of prestige as an outstanding member of polite society.

The debut of Kevin Drew will also mark the first of presumably many Broken Social Scene Presents... releases. Arts & Crafts has hired the Lafayette Dixieland Band to soundtrack the evening's festivities with selections from Drew's upcoming album, Spirit if....

Drew claims that he has been working on the soundtrack to his coming-out for the past two years, at times being tempted to release various tracks on Broken Social Scene albums or on other BSS solo projects; however, he found his bandmates' projects to be far to pedestrian for his work. Despite this obvious attack on the virtues and social graces of the other broken socialites, bandmate Leslie Feist has lent her talents to the project in hopes of establishing herself as the premier southern bell of the new season.

The September 18 debut of Drew and his first solo album controversially falls one week before the coming out of Vivien Leigh IV, who in response to this social faux-pas is undergoing a smear campaign to discredit Drew's social status by spreading rumors that his album was produced in part by low-culture icons Ohad Benchetrit and Charles Spearin of the tactless rock band, Do Make Say Think.

“What the World/ Needs Now/ Is Vibrators Shaped Like Gorillaz/ Sweet Vibrators Shaped Like Gorillaz”

Just in time for a belated Father’s Day gift, Gorillaz co-creator Jamie Hewlett is designing a set of vibrators shaped like his most beloved creations (take that, Jet Girl) as part of a partnership with classy sex toy company JimmyJane, There will be six different designs, priced at $275 each. If just one vibrator shaped like a singing, dancing cartoon character isn’t enough for your insatiable appetite, all six will be available as a lot for the low, low price of $1,650. In case anyone has yet to click on the JimmyJane link, they also deal in “sexy blindfolds,” “luxury vibrators,” and “sexy gifts for her.”

If anyone reading this is considering purchasing one of these, please e-mail me. I have a few important questions regarding one’s ability to attain a lifestyle where they are able to afford sinking around $300 into something that will wind up anywhere near your pleasure regions. I am serious. This is not a pejorative “you are wasting your money” thing. I want sex toys shaped like bands I don’t even like that much. I want the American dream. I want to live like you.

A brief list of Gorillaz song titles that apply to this:

“What the World/ Needs Now/ Is Vibrators Shaped Like Gorillaz/ Sweet Vibrators Shaped Like Gorillaz”

O Richard Buckner, vast big-hand explorer of men’s souls, troubadour of the half-sentence, vague malaise-meister of bawling baritone balladry, traveling growl of a flannel clad man, palms the size of eagle wings and fingers thick as redwoods. Where is your Laundromat romance, transient blogger of drive-thru travails and motel misdeeds? Who folds your socks and creases your pant legs, solitary peddler of desperation? The slim chance second chance? Pencil sketches of our American truths, wrapped in greasy sandwich paper and munched by lake with a bottle of wine? The Impasse of communication in crisis, the Dents and Shells of faded valentine hearts, the Meadow of iridescent TV dinners. Hard scoop ice cream stacked too tall, inevitably toppling to the sticky tile floor.

All hail the tired tickler of those steel-stringed serenades. No road like open road:

Beastie Boys Announce U.S. Tourdates; Paul Revere to Go with Da’ Boyz and Leave Da’ Honey at Home; Me to Remind Him that If He Had Been a Little More Considerate, It’s Possible He Wouldn’t Now Be Sleeping on the Couch Alone /Jockin’ Mike D. To My Dismay/

Relationship Cycle 1: Paul Revere's thinly-veiled attempt to win over an easy chick:

Paul Revere: The Beasties are coming! The Beasties are coming!

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: OH MY GOD! Are Beastie Boys actually touring? For real? M.C.A. gives me hot pants!

Paul Revere: ...The Beasties are touring! The Beasties are touring!

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: It’s really late, Paul Revere. You and your horse can sleep in my guest room tonight. Deal?

Paul Revere: /One lonely Beastie I be/ All by myself with nobody/.

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: Ahhh! That’s from “Paul Revere.” What a great Beastie jam. Seriously. [Lengthy conversation pause]... M.C.A. gives me hot pants!

Paul Revere: Listen, I didn’t want to tell you, but their song, “Paul Revere” -- it’s about me. I inspired it. Seriously. It’s about me.

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: Oh...

Paul Revere: Any other townsmen would have rode over here and used that to try to get in your pants. I’m just not like that, baby. I’m not like the others.

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: Gee, Paul, given the lyrical content of the song, that doesn’t really add up. I mean, the title of the song is “Paul Revere,” but I’m pretty sure Paul Revere is cited as the name of Mike D.’s horse briefly and nothing more comes of the reference. Yeah... the title was “Paul Revere” though... [Weighs options of vapid loneliness versus option to do it with Paul Revere].

So... um... It was way valiant of you to ride by my house to tell me about the tour. Way valiant.


Relationship Cycle 2: Two Weeks Later, The couple snuggles up to When Harry Met Sally:

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: I just know you’ll love When Harry Met Sally, Paul Revere. I just know it.

Paul Revere: ...

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: Billy Crystal gives me hot pants!

Paul Revere: ...


Relationship Cycle 3: It’s not you, It’s me:

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: So, the Beastie Boys concert is in a few days.

Paul Revere: Yeah, honey, I’m excited. Get me a Sam Adams.

Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: I think you’re taking advantage of me. [Brings over his beer like a good girlfriend.]


Town honey who enjoys being taken advantage of: You getting mad gives me hot pants!




Relationship Cycle 4: Two minutes later; Paul Revere has had it:

Paul Revere: Yeah, I’m taking your ticket for the concert. Deal with it. My friends want to see Beasties doing their hip-hop thing. Not like the instrumental shit going down in The Mix Up. But I bet that pending album release gives you hot pants, doesn’t it? I bet The Mix Up gives you hot pants! Go buy it June 26! June 26, your pants will be on fire, that’s a promise! Go buy your own tickets!.


Major Labels Become Jolly Green Giants; Results Are Suitably Fresh and Delicious

"Conservation is... economically better for everyone else concerned,” says my homeboy Rick Kempler, the 100% biodegradable COO of the Capitol Music Group. Yep, the major labels are going greener than a first-year mechanical engineering student from Billings. Only problem is there are so many ways in which our chums are saving the world, I almost don’t know where to start with the good news!

Maybe I’ll kick off with EMI’s overhauling of its transportation policies. This includes the introduction of hybrid vehicles throughout the entire organization, setting minimum numbers for people per car, and so on. No more chartered ICBMs for you to visit the U.S., Lily Allen! EMI also worked to enviromentalize its Grammy party this year. This, I’m thinking, would probably involve making sure the charlie on offer was like totally organic and pure, yeah? Sweet.

Warner, bless the company, is “exploring” the impact of reducing the carbon footprint of its various office buildings. But these guys at Warner don’t just think the think and talk the talk, they actually prefer to walk the fucking Olympic 50km walk. Warner has already “cut back” on paper-based marketing and has done something which will likely reduce your brain to a little more than a bloody pulp reminiscent of strawberry jam mushed up with mashed banana...

... Prepare yourselves:

Warner Music Group has taken the near-cataclysmic step of phasing out ALL printers in its organization that cannot handle the stress of double-sided copies. I’m not kidding. Every last one of those prehistoric Epsons is motherfucking landfill toast! The revolution appears to have finally arrived. (The next move in the overhaul of the established order is rumored to involve obliterating all printers that can’t handle more than two pages per sheet. Just a rumor, though.) Warner greened up its Grammy party, too. Where was my double-sided invite, huh? The ticker symbol is WMG for those of you who are sane enough to sell up NOW.

But perhaps the most egregious ‘initiative’ being put forward as an example of the industry’s greening is Universal. The company has reduced its waste production fall from nearly 11,000 tonnes in 2004 to nearly 500 this year. WOW! Its carbon dioxide production has dropped by nearly 55 million tonnes in the same period, a reduction of nearly 80%. WOW! And its water consumption has also plummeted. WOW! And HOW? Well, the company has cited a number of “in-house conservation and recycling programs”... ah, and the fact that Universal no longer manufactures any of its own product. Yep, Universal sold the whole manufacturing side of its business off and dumped its shit elsewhere. Probably somewhere unfortunate in the Midwest. I’m guessing that this particular act has had just a little more impact on its environmental figures than encouraging its lackies to recycle their soda cans and produce margin projections on both sides of a piece of paper.

See? It’s not just digipacks.

The Go! Team Go and Team Up With Sub! Pop

Have you had your morning coffee today?

If not, you might as well save yourself that awkward trip to the break room past all of those co-workers whose names you still don’t know and just gas yourself up on the sugary fumes of British Six-piece Red Bull junkies The Go! Team (now with more B-50!)

Granted, it’s been a little while since these experts of exclamations have raised our sagging eyelids and graced the indie-rock news piles, following the remarkable success of their generally loved if not somewhat controversial debut long-player Thunder, Lightning, Strike (TMT Review) for Memphis Industries and subsequent re-release on Columbia here in the U.S. (minus most of the cool samples). But after a few scant spring dates in the U.K. and tour-only/live bonus-disc EPs, the jubilant juveniles are back with a new U.S. label and deviant plans to keep us all forever awake with their undoubtedly spastic sophomore LP this fall.

Their dark, aromatic, double-tall, non-fat new album Proof of Youth will be released by the Seattle-based Sub Pup label on September 11 of this year. No tracklist for the LP itself has surfaced as of yet, probably because the band hasn’t thought of enough '80s action movie phrases yet, but we can tell you that two new caffeine-infused singles, "Grip Like A Vice" and "Doing It Right," will be made available via Memphis Industries (still the Team's U.K. label) on July 2 and September 3, respectively, just to get rid of those killer withdrawal headaches we’ve been having. According to the band’s website, “Grip Like a Vice” will also include B-side “Myself,” a cover of Sonic Youth’s “A Bull in the Heather,” and a track remix by Black Affair (Beta Band’s Steve Madson’s new thang). I’m feeling more invigorated already.

"We are thrilled to welcome the Go! Team to Sub Pop," said Sub Pop's A&R rep Susan Busch. "They add yet another sound to our label that is nothing like anything else we have on the roster but at the same time they're a perfect fit. I am sure the release of Proof Of Youth will bring many exciting opportunities for the band as well as the label."

Sounds about right. “Exciting” and exclamation points go hand-in-hand, you know. But while we’re waiting for those perky purveyors of Saturday morning cartoon theme songs for shows that never were, I guess we’re all going to have to bite the bullet and wake up the old fashioned way...

With cocaine.