You Like Jello Biafra? The Guys on the Football Team Say He’s for FAQs

Q: What is spoken word?

A: Don't you kids know how to use Wikipedia? Wow, Wiki... way to put GG Allin and William S. Burroughs in the same category.

Q. Who came up with this spoken word bullshit, anyway?

A: The term "spoken word" was coined by that guy who seems to live in your local coffee shop who you always see drinking a latte, with a copy of Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling in front of him. He's never reading the book, though. He's always holding forth on postmodern philosophy and outsider art to some skinny girl in glasses and sweater and never lets her get a word in edgewise. One day, he realized that in order to keep ranting and raving without being labelled "annoying," "long-winded" or, God forbid, "pretentious," he was going to have to give what he was doing a really awesome name and transform it into an art. Thusly, spoken word was born.

Q. What could Jello Biafra, founder of seminal punk band Dead Kennedys, once the PMRC's public enemy #1, possibly want with such a boring and nebulous art form?

A: While many "spoken word artists," as people like Allen Ginsberg and Lydia Lunch (you're killing me, Wikipedia) like to be called, try to pass off their incoherent ramblings as poetic, Biafra does no such thing. His performances are more like well-scripted stand-up comedy, focusing on political and cultural issues. Think The Daily Show meets '80s punk rock.

Q: Why doesn't he just call it stand-up?

A: I have no fucking clue.

Q: If he called it stand-up, I would totally buy tickets.

A: I know, right? Anyway, that wasn't a question. Watch y'self, Q... if that is your real name.

Q: So is this crap really worth my 10 bucks, or whatever it costs?

A: Actually, it kind of is. Biafra spouts off on everything you're pissed off about, except he's smarter than you are, and well-spoken to boot. Plus, the guy goes on for like four hours and doesn't even get boring. If you don't believe me, listen to his new album, In the Grip of Official Treason (Alternative Tentacles). He probably doesn't even mind if you download it illegally. He's that cool of a guy.

Q: What's the difference between Jello Biafra and Jell-O Pudding?

A: One is artificially sweetened; the other is genuinely acerbic.

Q: What's your biggest Jello Biafra-related regret?

A: That I didn't hug him when I had the chance. He's like a teddy bear! And now his tour isn't even coming to New York.

Q: If the Dead Kennedys, in their current incarnation, tour without Jello Biafra, do they make a sound?

A: No; absolutely not.

Thus, spoken word Jello Biafra:

10.23.06 - Seattle, WA - El Corazon
10.24.06 - Eugene, OR - WOW Hall
10.25.06 - Portland, OR - Disjecta
10.27.06 - Olympia, WA - Capitol Theater
11.02.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - Opilis Union Hall
11.04.06 - Denver, CO - Gothic Theater
11.05.06 - Omaha, NE - Sokol Auditorium
11.09.06 - Antwerp, Belgium - De Nachten festival
11.12.06 - Albuquerque, NM - Sunshine Theater
11.13.06 - Flagstaff, AZ - Orpheum Theater
11.14.06 - Phoenix, AZ - Marquee Theater
11.15.06 - Tucson, AZ - Solar Cultural Theater

MuchMusic Sneaks Into MTV’s Bedroom, Puts On Its Panties, And Proclaims, “I Have A Little Digital Download!”

As the years roll on, Canadian TV network MuchMusic still insists on following in MTV's footsteps. After years of following its American counterpart's footsteps by regurgitating its awful ideas — Headbanger's Ball, less music videos, more painful reality shows — MuchMusic is now partnering with PureTracks, a DRM-ridden digital music file provider, to infest the already saturated legal download market.

According to Billboard, the service went live on Wednesday, October 4, and has since been offering Canadians their low-quality audio for $0.79-$1.29 CAD per track. To kick things off, the network has a promotional offer of an exclusive Evanescence acoustic performance when you purchase their newest album. And we all know how much you beautiful TMT readers love Evanescence, don't we!

Since I'm in a generous mood, here's a bunch of EXCLUSIVE YouTube videos of Evanescence for you to sing along to:




Wow, would you get a load of that gothy goodness. Kinda makes me want to go and buy some digital files. Then I'll take those files and move them from one folder to another, then back again. I just love collecting data; it makes me incredibly hot. HOTTT.

Please send your amazing Evanescence bootlegs to

Thank you for your consideration, and have a great day.

P.S. - When I say "exclusive," I actually mean "inclusive." Does that help?

Ted Leo/Pharmacists Record Another Album and Embark on Yet Another Tour

It seems like the year is almost over, musically speaking. Once we get a week or two into November, the only things coming out are the mainstream hip-hop and or r&b flavors of the moment, and little else. The new release map for the remainder of '06 is pretty well-defined, with no apparent gray areas. So, one must look to the New Year for the next musical surprise.

Enter Ted Leo and his gang of Pharmacists without white coats. According to the band's Touch & Go publicist, last week marked the end of recording for their as-yet untitled new album. The label is eyeing March 2007 for the release of the LP, the group's fifth and first for Touch & Go. The band committed the tunes to tape with producer/drummer (obligatory Fugazi name-drop) Brendan Canty at Longview Farm in Northampton, MA.

Left without a finished product to be leaked online weeks before its official release date, the band have decided the only way they can get the new songs into their fans' ears is to go and play about five weeks worth of shows. The beginning (and majority) of the tour has the band opening for Death Cab For Cutie and most certainly blowing them off the stage (as opposed to the groupies, who blow, aww nevermind, you guys are already way ahead of me). The last few dates are Rx headlining shows, with Chris Leo's band The Vague Angels opening up for big bro Ted. What a way to spend Thanksgiving. The whole deal is finished in Seattle, with an Rx/DCFC reunion (ft. DCFC) and a Christmas concert thingy (for KEXP) that radio stations seem to insist on having every year.


10.24.06 - Northampton, MA - Pearl Street Ballroom (Benefit for Flywheel Arts)
10.26.06 - Upper Darby, PA - Tower Theater #
10.27.06 - Rochester, NY - Auditorium Theater #
10.28.06 - Ottawa, ON - Civic Center #
10.30.06 - Toronto, ON - Massy Hall #
10.31.06 - Toronto, ON - Massy Hall #
11.01.06 - Montreal, QC - Metropolis #
11.02.06 - Boston, MA - The Opera House #
11.03.06 - Boston, MA - The Opera House #
11.04.06 - Providence, RI - Providence Performing Arts Center #
11.06.06 - Washington, DC - DAR Constitution Hall #
11.07.06 - Washington, DC - DAR Constitution Hall #
11.08.06 - New York, NY - Theater at Madison Square Garden #
11.09.06 - New York, NY - Theater at Madison Square Garden #
11.10.06 - Norfolk, VA - The Norva #
11.11.06 - Bell Vernon, PA - Ice Garden Arena #
11.13.06 - Columbus, OH - PromoWest Pavilion #
11.14.06 - Indianapolis, IN - Murat Theater #
11.15.06 - Louisville, KY- Louisville Palace Theater #
11.16.06 - Birmingham, AL - BJCC Concert Hall #
11.17.06 - Atlanta, GA - The Fox Theatre #
11.18.06 - Clemson, SC - Littlejohn Coliseum #
11.19.06 - Orlando, FL - UCF Arena #
11.20.06 - Coral Gables, FL - Bank United Center at University of Miami #
11.22.06 - Jacksonville, FL - Jack Rabbit’s *
11.23.06 - Mt. Pleasant, SC - Village Tavern *
11.24.06 - Asheville, NC - The Grey Eagle
11.25.06 - Charlottesville, VA - Starr Hill *
11.29.06 - Worcester, MA - The Grind @ Clark University *
12.09.06 - Seattle, WA - Key Arena #
12.10.06 - Seattle, WA - Neumo’s Crystal Ball Reading Room (KEXP Yule Tide Show)

# w/ Death Cab For Cutie
* w/ Vague Angels

Jimmy Buffett Stopped at French Airport with Ecstasy (Allegedly); Threatens to Re-Record His Cover of Bruce Cockburn’s “Wondering Where the Lions Are” With Topical Verses

"Sun's up, uh huh, looked okay

Gotta take a plane to St. Tropez

Thank lord I've got my pills with me

Need some ecstasy to take a hold on me.

Shrinking penis makes me laugh

Have to take a soak in the bath

Convinced I'm seeing blood in my pee

Some kind of ecstasy got a hold on me.

Dream of a bevy of bronzed beach girls

Topless on my sailboat as the waves curl

'Why don't we get drunk and screw?'

Is an ecstasy poem from me to you.

The airport garbage smells so sweet

Gitanes and croissants underneath my feet

My eyes keep darting from A to B

A lot of ecstasy has a hold on me.

And I'm wondering where the lions are...

I'm wondering where the lions are...

Baby-faced gendarmes doing double takes

Just want to kiss them by a moonlit lake

They laugh and point their fingers at me

This ecstasy now is lovin' up me.

Young men count pills... I'm so dumb

Should have stashed it up my bum

Twenty, sixty, a hundred (it better be!)

Lots of E should've been inside of me.

A $380 fine is all I pay

"Prescription drugs!" my spokesmen say

Sell one of my Hawaiian shirts on eBay

To deal with ecstasy's hold on me

When the sun came up, uh huh, it looked okay

Now Tiny Mix Tapes will have a field day

Have to say goodbye to MDMA

Cheeseburgers and margaritas...

(pause for climactic effect)

...return your hold on me!"

Trouble In Paradise? Live Nation’s Relationship With Ticketmaster on the Rocks

If you're anything like most TMT readers, you're probably trying to survive on a pretty tight budget. After all, how were you to have known that working at a used record store wouldn't immediately pay off those student loans? [Editor's Note: You probably work side by side with a TMT editor.] Sure, it's only a temporary gig. Either way, you still don't have an abundance of surplus cash lying around waiting to be stuffed into the already bulging pockets of a billion-dollar corporation. For this reason, I'm sure it's especially painful when you ask a friend how much you owe for getting you that ticket to this or that show or festival, coming up on this or that weekend, and your friend replies: "Well, the tickets themselves were only, like, eight dollars. But with all those service charges, you know... well... (takes bong rip) I'm going to need $66.50." (He exhales.)

And then it happens: the blood rushes to your head. You feel sick to your stomach. Everything turns a dark shade of purple. We've all been there, and as time passes, we can all agree that this shit is getting far too common. You can't afford to eat for the next two weeks, and meanwhile Ticketmaster is looking more and more like Jabba the Hut circa the beginning of Return of the Jedi. And then you wake up one day to find Ticketmaster has your sister parading around in a gold bikini and your best friend frozen in carbonite. (Your money paid for that gold bikini! And that carbonite!)

The good news? If Live Nation CEO Michael Rapino can be trusted (FYI: Live Nation is a Clear Channel spinoff, with some Clear Channel hot-shots behind the scenes), you might have a new ally in your quest to make it out of the ticket-buying process without losing a hand. Apparently disturbed by the statistic that 70% of people didn't attend a concert at all last year, Rapino recently told the L.A. Times that he is working to secure lower ticket prices for the nearly 30,000 concerts that LN produces annually.

Although Live Nation is legally bound to Ticketmaster, the contract between the two companies expires in 2008 — which, as luck would have it, is the perfect time for a Third Eye Blind/Sugar Ray double-reunion tour. If LN opts to do most of its own ticketing rather than renew a contract with TM(not T!), prices for this super-tour and others could drop significantly. At any rate, service charges look to be substantially lower than the 25-35% TM has become notorious for demanding.

Take heart, hungry reader; 2008 isn't so far away. And in the meantime, enjoy some Ramen.

Belligerent Brits Block Beck’s Beautifully Bronzed Bizooty

Although most people have been finding the packaging for Beck's new album "innovative," "unique," or "whatever," the UK's Official Chart Company (OCC) has chosen to describe it as "unfair." The Information [TMT review] was released in the UK on Monday and features a blank cover which can then be customized using either one's own feces or an included sticker sheet. The album also includes a bonus DVD with remarkably unremarkable videos for every song. Presumably, these extras were included to give people another incentive to actually purchase the album, which is the kind of sensible marketing strategy that should get all money-grubbing, suit-wearing fatties excited.

Not so, in the land of the spotted dick. The OCC has ruled that Beck's new album is not eligible to be listed on any UK charts. The reason they give is that The Information has an "unfair advantage" due to its inclusion of bonus material. It has been speculated that the underlying reason for this ruling is that the OCC's Koosh basketball hoop broke and they needed to vent.

A valid point is indeed brought up, however, about Beck's new cover art. When I'm browsing through my local record shoppe, the first thing I notice about a CD is what's on the cover. Now, I might plausibly be reaching over for a stack of Oasis CDs when what will catch my eye and redirect my purchase but the CD with the completely blank cover. Now, that's just wrong. Time to play by the rules, Beck.

The OCC is currently planning a follow-up campaign to pull The Information off the shelves entirely, due to it containing an unreasonable number of "pleasing rhythms."