Is Your Sex Life Experiencing a Slump? Try The All-New Product Hip-Hop™!

Are you finding yourself cold and lonely in an empty bed? Have you wondered why it is that you, an attractive individual in his/her mid-'20s with an excellent job and great looks, have not been able to engage in sexual relations?

Well, look no further!

An all-new product, imported from the depths of the Bronx and the heart of downtown LA has changed lives all over the world! And you could be one of them! Hip-Hop™ is a medication taken aurally, and when administered, this life-changing product can increase the number of sexual partners an individual has by as much as 38%, according to a recent study by Reuters.

That's right! You could find yourself in bed with not just one person, but perhaps two, or maybe even three! That's right! You too could be a promiscuous whore! All you need is a little Hip-Hop™, or even our diet product, Dance Music™, which is also said to increase the number of sexual partners an individual has by as much as 29%, with lower fat and less calories!

Act now, and we'll include our newest product, Classical Music™ as an added bonus! This revolutionary product has found an increase in the consumption of cannabis by 25% and an increase in magic mushrooms by 12%! With us, you'll be thinking that violin is making the color purple in no time!

Don't hesitate! Pick up your Hip-Hop™ today, and get your free Classical Music™!

Side effects of Hip-Hop™ or Dance Music™ may include, but are not limited to, a potential for increased criminal activity by roughly 50%. Classical Music™ should not be used while operating heavy machinery or while attempting to utilize the features of Hip-Hop™ or Dance Music™. Users who have mixed products have experienced side-effects such as loss of sexual attraction and a decrease in social interaction.

Results may vary. To submit your own experience with our products, please visit http://www.musicaltastetest.com.

McDonald’s Trials New Media Concept; McRib Cries and McDiarrhea Ensues

It is always like McDonald's to do some hardcore experimenting. I recall the excitement when the first ever "McDiner" opened in our small town of Kokomo, Indiana. Everywhere one would go, they would hear immense gossip like, "Are they really going to have diner food at McDonald's?" You bet your silly ass they did. They had some of the best mashed potatoes I had ever tasted. And you haven't lived my friend until you have had a McSteak or a McLobster. Yeah, we were all putting on the ritz and having the time of our lives until the inevitable occurred. The experiment failed, and all stupid ideas must come to an end eventually.

This brings me to McDonald's current experiment in Schaumburg, Illinois, at its Woodfield Mall location where an in-store media concept is being trialed. Thanks to Akoo, the experiment will allow any poor sap to play his/her music of choice in a designated area of the restaurant using a mobile phone, laptop, WiFi-enabled device, or telepathy. Someone who gets paid way too much to come up with these things is dubbing the concept, m-Venue. The catch is that the customer will be lucky enough to skim through a "vast" selection of on-demand music and video content offered from Sony BMG Music Entertainment, Universal Music Group, and others with the grand opportunity to "pay to play."

Of course, the concept is meant to be like a jukebox of the future. But let's face the fact that some douche will ruin this. And I'm not implying that the concept isn't already a shit-in-the-pants waiting to happen, but maybe it could have been "neato." This further brings me back to my glory hole days — um, glory days — when I went to a little Italian establishment with one lone jukebox. I felt the Holy Ghost spring through my entire body once I noticed the jukebox sign, "$20 for 100 plays." I thought that it had to be some sort of mistake, but it was as if God lowered his hairy right hand from the heavens to hand me a $20 bill and whisper into my ear, Go ahead, Greg. Play "Skat Man" 100 times! And so "Skat Man" became the anthem of the night until the place got robbed later that evening. One lady got shot in the arm. I shit you not. She messed up my order though.

My point, if there is a point to all of this, is that someone will easily play "Sweet Home Alabama" a dozen times and hog the technology just as Fonzie did. John O'Keefe, owner and Mayor McCheese of Shaumburg, claims that since the opening of m-Venue the restaurant's sales have risen 17% compared to sales from last year. So does this mean that e-Venue is a success? With ten multimedia flat-panel screens, one may infer this concept to drive novelty appeal until people stop caring, and then the realization of wasted money occurs. I'm not trying to be biased here. I am just speaking from experience. Another crazy concept would be to have live music at McDonald's. But who would really want to listen to other peoples' crap? I'm just going to stay happy with my Café McDonald's that has a piano that plays by itself. I fucking love that piano.

Is Your Sex Life Experiencing a Slump? Try The All-New Product Hip-Hop™!

Are you finding yourself cold and lonely in an empty bed? Have you wondered why it is that you, an attractive individual in his/her mid-'20s with an excellent job and great looks, have not been able to engage in sexual relations?

Well, look no further!

An all-new product, imported from the depths of the Bronx and the heart of downtown LA has changed lives all over the world! And you could be one of them! Hip-Hop™ is a medication taken aurally, and when administered, this life-changing product can increase the number of sexual partners an individual has by as much as 38%, according to a recent study by Reuters.

That's right! You could find yourself in bed with not just one person, but perhaps two, or maybe even three! That's right! You too could be a promiscuous whore! All you need is a little Hip-Hop™, or even our diet product, Dance Music™, which is also said to increase the number of sexual partners an individual has by as much as 29%, with lower fat and less calories!

Act now, and we'll include our newest product, Classical Music™ as an added bonus! This revolutionary product has found an increase in the consumption of cannabis by 25% and an increase in magic mushrooms by 12%! With us, you'll be thinking that violin is making the color purple in no time!

Don't hesitate! Pick up your Hip-Hop™ today, and get your free Classical Music™!

Side effects of Hip-Hop™ or Dance Music™ may include, but are not limited to, a potential for increased criminal activity by roughly 50%. Classical Music™ should not be used while operating heavy machinery or while attempting to utilize the features of Hip-Hop™ or Dance Music™. Users who have mixed products have experienced side-effects such as loss of sexual attraction and a decrease in social interaction.

Results may vary. To submit your own experience with our products, please visit http://www.musicaltastetest.com.

The Album Leaf Tour After New Album Veers Violently Into Hip-Hop-Style Collabs

So, the Album Leaf are apparently a band from whom we can expect pretty much the same thing on every album, right? Well, apparently not. Word has it that their new release, Into the Blue Again — simultaneously a reference to Talking Heads' classic "Once in a Lifetime" and an admission of a failure to innovate — is in fact their most daring piece of work yet.

With instrumental duties on the album turned over almost exclusively to the band's only real member, James Lavelle, the sounds found on their new slice of shellac are unlike anything we've come to expect. Gone are the soft keyboard tones and rock-solid drum loops found on the Sigur Ros-aided In a Safe Place. In come collaborations with Richard Ashcroft, Mike D, Badly Drawn Boy, and Thom Yorke, amongst others. The album flits from song-to-song, in a schizophrenic but increasingly measured way, culminating in the moody "Bunny in Your Flashers," featuring one of Yorke's most affecting vocals. It certainly puts The Eraser in its place.

The Album Leaf will be falling all over the place this autumn:

10.05.06 – San Diego, CA – Museum of Contemporary Art
10.08.06 – Los Angeles, CA – Troubadour
10.18.06 – Phoenix, AZ – Rhythm Room
10.20.06 – Austin, TX – Parish
10.21.06 – Houston, TX – Proletariat
10.22.06 – Denton, TX – Hailey’s
10.23.06 – Baton Rouge, LA – Chelsea’s
10.24.06 – Birmingham, AL – BottleTree
10.25.06 – Tallahassee, FL – Club Downunder (FSU)
10.26.06 – W. Palm Beach, FL – Respectable Street
10.27.06 – Orlando, FL – Social
10.28.06 – Tampa, FL – Orpheum
10.29.06 – Atlanta, GA – The Earl
10.30.06 – Charlotte, NC – The Neighborhood Theater
11.01.06 – Philadelphia, PA – Jonny Brenda’s
11.02.06 – New York, NY – Bowery Ballroom (CMJ)
11.03.06 – Washington, DC – Rock and Roll Hotel
11.06.06 – Brooklyn, NY – North Six
11.07.06 – Cambridge, MA – Middle East Downstairs
11.08.06 – Montreal, PQ – Main Hall
11.09.06 – Toronto, ON – Lee’s Palace
11.10.06 – Buffalo, NY – Big Orbit’s Soundlab
11.11.06 – Ann Arbor, MI – Blind Pig
11.12.06 – Chicago, IL – Lakeshore Theater
11.13.06 – Minneapolis, MN – 400 Bar
11.16.06 – Seattle, WA – Chop Suey
11.17.06 – Vancouver, BC – Plaza Club
11.18.06 – Portland, OR – Doug Fir Lounge
11.19.06 – Euguene, OR – W.O.W. Hall
11.21.06 – San Francisco, CA – The Independent

Hot Chip Tour; Jock Bands Get Ready To Shout NEEEERRRRRRDS From The Back Of The Room

Seriously, you guys in the USA have it easy. Your disco artists know how to look the part. Check out James Murphy. Motherfucker's like 60 or something, but he still manages to rock the blazer and t-shirt look like it's 2003. You'd see him from across a bar, and you'd think, Hey, check out grandaddy over there, but then you'd realize how perfectly his hair is tousled... how he's not shaved for exactly the right number of days... and just how deep his eyes go... and how you totally didn't expect his thighs to be that smooth, and how it all feels so wrong but it's just so right, and, and...

Damn, I'm sure I had a point somewhere.

Oh, shit, yeah! Hot Chip! Tour! Series of tired jokes about how their nerdy appearance compares to James Murphy! Here's the dates!

11.01.06 - Baltimore, MD - Sonar ! %
11.02.06 - New York, NY - Webster Hall $ !
11.03.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Webster Hall ^
11.04.06 - Boston MA - Paradise % !
11.05.06 - Montreal, PQ - La Sala Rossa %
11.06.06 - Toronto, ON - The Mod Club % !
11.07.06 - Cleveland Heights, OH - Grog Shop ! %
11.08.06 - Columbus, OH - Wexler Center @
11.10.06 - Chicago, IL - Metro % !
11.10.06 - Chicago, IL - Smart Bar (DJ set)
11.11.06 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue * %
11.14.06 - Seattle, WA - Neumos % !
11.15.06 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge ! %
11.17.06 - San Francisco, CA - Mezzanine % !
11.18.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theater % !
11.19.06 - San Diego, CA - Casbah ! %

! w/ Shy Child
$ w/ Gang Gang Dance
% w/ Born Ruffians
^ w/ Justice
@ w/ Mouse on Mars, Birdy Nam Nam
* w/ Jamie Lidell

A Matt Pond PA News Story by rrrachel


You know those puzzles where you turn one word into another? Y'know, cat to dog is cat, cot, cog, dog? Watch Matt turn to Pond:

MATT

PATT

POTT

PONT

POND

That's not the only solution! This works as well:

MATT

MATD

MAND

MOND

POND

If you're supersmart, you can do it in only one move:

MATT

POND

There's a new album too called Several Hours Later, but there's nothing fun to do with that. Onto the tour!

10.07.06 - Fredericksburg, VA - Mary Washington University
10.08.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Theatre of the Living Arts
10.10.06 - Columbus, OH - Newport Music Hall
10.11.06 - Milwaukee, WI - Pabst Theater
10.12.06 - Louisville, KY - Headliners Music Hall
10.13.06 - Covington, KY - Mad Hatter
10.14.06 - St. Louis, MO - Mississippi Nights
10.15.06 - Madison, WI - The Annex
10.16.06 - Minneapolis, MN - Fine Line Music Café
10.19.06 - Calgary, AB - MacEwan Ballroom
10.21.06 - Vancouver, BC - The Center in Vancouver for the Arts
10.22.06 - Seattle, WA - Moore Theatre
10.23.06 - Portland - Wonder Ballroom
10.24.06 - Sacramento, CA - Harlows
10.25.06 - San Francisco, CA - Warfield Theatre
10.26.06 - Los Angeles - Spaceland
10.27.06 - Tucson, AZ - Rialto Theatre