My cat is an asshole. He contributes absolutely nothing to the house. A true freeloader. He demands to be fed at least half a dozen times per day, and when I finally pour the food, he head-butts the bag so that food scatters into his water bowl. Then, he has the nerve to demand fresh water because of the floating food. He has a special blanket set up on the recliner that he knows he's supposed to sleep on, yet night after night he moves to the couch once I've gone to bed. When inside the house, he sits at the door meowing to go out; when outside, he meows to come in. When I try to walk anywhere in the house, he walks about six inches in front of me in a zig-zag pattern, making it impossible for me to go even a few feet without tripping. He spends the bulk of his waking hours sitting in the window sill staring blankly at the front yard. He prefers to do so with the window open and will pester me about opening it, like, right after I start to nap. Opposable thumbs, bitch.

It's really a lot like having a teenage son. He's got no job, no ambition, no respect for authority; just a sense of entitlement to the fruits of my labor. He has many qualities which one could only describe as "emo." He's been known to engage in highly objectionable behavior involving his testicles, often in the presence of guests. He comes and goes without notice, sometimes worrying me by staying out all night without so much as a phone call, just to let me know everything's okay. Clearly, I'm not asking a lot. Just a little help around the house every once in a while -- and, if it's not too much to ask, a little respect.

Also, Müm is touring:

Beloved Belgian youth sleuth Tintin is a favorite of many emotionally stunted peeps. Forever getting into complex scrapes and head-spinning adventures that take him to exotic locales and remote climes (and on more than one occasion, The Moon) the wussy, blond, go-getting cub reporter is an enigma. He frequently meets fantastic characters, but instead of developing an awesome drug addiction or boning some grateful heiress, he chooses to hang around a perpetually drunken sea captain and his faithful companion Snowy, the Fox terrier.

Walking with my girlfriend downtown last week, I spotted someone who looked EXACTLY like one of the bumbling Thom(p)sons from Hergé's animated stories.

Me (excitedly): “Hey, that guy looks exaaactly like one of the Thom(p)sons!”

Her: “Oh, you mean Dupond and Dupont?”

Me: “What?”

Her: “Dupond and Dupont... from Tintin.”

Me: Yeah, I know Tintin... I live and breathe Tintin, beotch. But those gooves are called Thomson and Thompson.”

Her: Yeah, to English idiots. In French, the language that the stories were originally written in, those “gooves,” as you call them, are called Dupond and Dupont.

Ah yes, being the clueless xenophobe that I am, I conveniently forgot that each country calls the two mustachioed, bowler-hatted bumblers something different (i.e.: Hernández and Fernández, Schultze and Schulze, Tik and Tak).

Me (conceding): “Oh yeah....”

Right about now you might be asking why on Earth am I blathering about goofy-looking twin detectives from a comic that no one reads when I should be dithering on about the spectacular-looking pop couple The Rosebuds that everybody loves. You would be right to be curious. So, to afford you some closure on this anecdote -- yeah, The Rosebuds? I like ’em fine, but my girlfriend liked them back in the ’80s when they were called The Thompson Twins.

The shape-shifting duo of Kelly Crisp and Ivan Howard will bring to the live forum their latest album, the Merge-released elec-retro master class Night of the Furies, their hooky debut album The Rosebuds Make Out, their melancholic gloom of a second album Birds Make Good Neighbors, and hopefully some new tunes of unspecified orientation when they play a string of dates beginning late April. The tour includes shows at many of the usual suspected haunts, including one night in Kentucky and one show at the “My Old Kentucky Blog” concert... in Indianapolis. Nope, I don't get it either. Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles, here are the dates!
04.28.08 - Lexington, KY - The Dame
04.29.08 - Chicago, IL - Subterranean
04.30.08 - Indianapolis, IN - My Old Kentucky Blog Concert
05.01.08 - Columbia, MO - Mojo’s
05.02.08 - Oxford, MS - Proud Larry’s
05.03.08 - Nashville, TN - Mercy Lounge
05.04.08 - Asheville, NC - Grey Eagle
05.06.08 - Carrboro, NC - Cat’s Cradle
05.07.08 - Charlottesville, VA - Satellite Ballroom
05.08.08 - Washington, DC - Black Cat
05.09.08 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda’s
05.10.08 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
05.11.08 - Brooklyn, NY - Music Hall of Williamsburg
05.13.08 - Boston, MA - Paradise Rock Club
05.14.08 - Portland, ME - TBD
05.15.08 - Montréal, Quebec - La Sala Rossa
05.16.08 - Toronto, Ontario - Lee’s Palace
05.17.08 - Buffalo, NY - Tralf Music Hall
05.18.08 - Pittsburgh, PA - Mr. Small’s Theatre

From Grönland Records:

"We are very sad to report the death of Klaus Dinger, who died suddenly of heart failiure four days before his 62nd birthday on March 20th 2008.

Dinger formed Neu! with Micheal Rother in 1971, releasing three seminal albums: Neu!, Neu 2! and Neu 75!

His landmark drumming style on these records, a propulsive almost surf-like repetitious groove defined the term 'motorik' and has had a profound influence on a huge range of artists such as Primal Scream, Stereolab, Wilco, David Bowie, The Boredoms and Four Tet.

He later formed La Dusseldorf, selling over a million copies in the 70s and 80s.

The burial took place amongst a private circle of family and friends. He will be greatly missed."

- Official website
- Wikipedia entry
- Grönland Records
- YouTube: Kraftwerk - "Heavy Metal Kids"(live)
- YouTube: Neu performing "Hero" (live)
- YouTube: La Düsseldorf

Labels Seek $2.5 Million in Damages from The Pirate Bay; “Record companies can go screw themselves,” says The Pirate Bay

Back in January, The Pirate Bay's founders were accused of being accessories to copyright infringement by studios and labels, including Warner, MGM, Sony BMG, Columbia Pictures, and 20th Century Fox (TMT News). And now -- surprise, surprise -- The International Federation of the Phonographic Industry (IFPI) wanna piece too, a $2.5 million one, for the sharing of 24 albums, 9 movies, and 4 video games. Serious shit? Wouldn't appear to be, according to co-founder Gottfried Svartholm Warg's responses in Sweden's The Local:

- Response 1: "Record companies can go screw themselves."

- Response 2: "We mostly laughed at [the claim]."

- Response 3: "It doesn't appear if the record companies have much of a strategy at all."

- Response 4: "[The IFPI's] numbers are pure fantasy."

- Response 5: "As usual, we're not too concerned."

Frankly, I'd just pay the $2.5 million. Life's too short to stand for anything.

Sony BMG Accused of Software Piracy

PointDev, a French company that makes Windows admin software, has accused Sony BMG of pirating software. And it's not just one or two programs, but as much as 47% of Sony BMG's servers are suspected of running pirated software, according to a recent raid.

Here's a translated quote from the company (via the original story and ZeroPaid):

We are not interested in an amicable settlement. It is not just a question of money but more importantly in principle. The rate of software piracy in the company is very high. [...] We are forced to watch every week if key software pirates are not on the Internet. We are a small company of six employees. Instead of trying to protect us, we could spend this time to develop ourselves.

The raid, conducted by the Business Software Alliance, was implemented after a Sony IT sought help with a program called Ideal Migration. However, after Sony BMG provided the program's key, a tech support person at PointDev discovered that it was pirated.

Obviously, what Sony BMG now needs more than ever is sympathy in these trying times. Both pro- and anti-file-sharing advocates need to set their differences aside and help support Sony BMG. It's not fun to be accused of pirating software, and it's even worse to have to pay penalties for it -- even if the company paying the fine is seeking to increase that fine for music file-sharers. Fucking assholes.

Death Cab Add More Tour Dates, Cutie Has Abortion

This just in: someone must have told Pacific Northwestern doily-rockers Death Cab for Cutie that they could, you know, make more money by playing more shows on their upcoming Spring romp through North America (a.k.a. "Death Cab Country") in support of their upcoming Atlantic Records release, Narrow Stairs. Rather savvily, the band decided that making as much money as possible before Ben "Hey Ya'll" Gibbard gets any MORE BEAUTIFUL would be a very good thing -- so, yeah, they are going to go ahead and play all of these dates.

But enough with this "objective reporting" bullshit. What exactly does this mean to YOU, the jilted TMT reader?

Well... plenty, I reckon!

For example, I guess it means that, if you have younger cousins or something, it's now your duty to stick to them like glue and make sure they don't waste their mom and step-dad's money on concert tickets? And who among us doesn't relish an opportunity to be responsible??

Or maybe it means that you and your buddies have a new summertime record to "enjoy ironically"? You do that sometimes, right?

Or it could mean that you've got a whole new Ben Gibbard lyric sheet to crib from when you're trying to seal the deal with that uptight girl/guy from work.

See, Death Cab might even get you laid! Now aren't you glad you didn't scroll past this shit?

Right. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to devote the rest of my morning to formating this now-sizable list of tourdates for this shell of a band. Have a super day, everyone!

For Our Older Readers: Parlophone’s Best-Of Radiohead Release to Be Release in June

Hi old person! Wow, you actually managed to turn on the computer without your daughter's help. Congratulations! Here, let me enlarge the font for you, so you don't have to squint at the screen:

There... is that better? Alright, oldie but goodie, I've got some exciting Rock Music news for you, boy oh boy. Radiohead's ex-record label, Parlophone, is set to release -- Hey, you want some anti-aging cream? Not now? Okay. -- a best-of compilation for Radiohead. No, this isn't that shitty box set (TMT News); it's much, much worse.

Coming out June 2, Best of Radiohead will come in three, maybe four versions: (1) a single CD version, for those of you who mainly want a solid disc to nestle away with your Sheryl Crow and Dave Matthews CDs; (2) a double CD version, for those of you who want that one Romeo & Juliet song; (3) a limited-edition 4LP version, for those of you who collect antiques and quilts; and (4) a non-CD, non-vinyl, non-MP3 version -- it's just a version that you can't hold or hear because you refuse to buy this piece of shit release because Parlophone have no shame. You'd be better off purchasing a stick with which to shoo away bratty kids.

Hey, your dentures fell out. Viagra, white hair, arched back, rocking chair, etc. God, you're old.

Best of Radiohead tracklisting (CD version):

Tayna Anderson to RIAA: Eat My Poop; Landmark Case In The Works, Landmark Outcome Still Up in the Air

Tayna Anderson was just one out of thousands of people targeted by the RIAA for alleged copyright infringement between 2002 and the present. The RIAA contracted the services of MediaSentry, a computer investigative company, to peer into Ms. Anderson's personal hard drive and identify any music that fell under the RIAA umbrella. After MediaSentry allegedly discovered infringing files, the RIAA filed a boilerplate lawsuit that claimed thousands of dollars in lost revenue and made threatening demands about how the non-profit entity would recover it. Anderson promptly replied "fuck you" and filed a counterclaim that included a Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) charge. In response, the RIAA tried to depose Anderson's then 7-year-old daughter, effectively asking to interrogate and threaten a little girl.

The RIAA was denied its opportunity to bully a child and eventually dropped its case against Tanya. But it was unable to convince the judge not to award Ms. Anderson her legal fees. The RIAA took a little while to hand over the cash and the presiding judge had to remind the monopoly representative organization of its obligation of the cash-money payout. Anderson's counterclaim suit was then upgraded to a class-action, but the judge rejected the claim, requesting more information within 30 days. The judge spent nearly an hour and a half detailing what she wanted to see in the claim, and Anderson's crack legal time complied.

And that brings us to today, as the RIAA now says the amended claim is "too long and complex for our tiny brains." Paraphrasing slightly for humor's sake, of course, the RIAA has requested that the judge reject the new claim outright or give them more time to respond because "we had to call our brother who's an actual lawyer, because we can't understand all this legal gobbledygook." The RIAA had spent the better part of two years prosecuting Ms. Anderson but is unable to sit down for an hour and read the "massive" 108-page document detailing in full the background, case itself, and counterclaims with supporting information. Anderson is claiming such awesomeness as Negligence, Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress, Racketeering, Conspiracy, Abuse of the Legal Process, Defamation, Unlawful Trade Practices, Fraud, Invasion of Privacy, Computer Fraud, and the best of the bunch: Injunction Relief.

That last one, "Injunction Relief," means that if the judge approves this draft and the case moves forward and is successfully argued, the RIAA will be barred from continuing to litigate any private citizen of the Unites States. How freakin' awesome is that? Ms. Anderson and her team of lawyers deserve a high five for that one. Effectively saying "eat our shit" to a monopoly, and if the judge is cool with it, they'll be legally forced to. Boo yeah.

Two Gallants Attend Therapy To Prepare For Upcoming European Tour

Dr. Vaughn: So, Adam, you’ve been having that dream again?

Adam Stephens: Yeah, the memories from our incident in Texas keep coming back to me every time we tour. I want to keep touring, but I just don’t know how to deal with it.

Tyson Vogel: Yeah, and his dreams are really taking a toll on me too. It’s hard to hang out with someone for months on tour when they’re upset and anxious all the time.

Dr. Vaughn: Hmm, upset and anxious, I see, I see. Well, Adam, it sounds to me that you just have to keep on touring and eventually you’ll learn to deal with the demons from your past.

Adam: Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Dr. Vaughn: Mmhmm, but in the meantime, let me write you a prescription to help you sleep a bit better at night. Oh, and, do you think you could get me guest-listed for your show with The National in Dublin this spring? I’m going to be vacationing there with my husband, and we’re both huge fans.

Tyson: Of us?

Dr. Vaughn: Oh, I meant of The National... but, uh, you guys are great too.

Adam: Uhh, thanks, I guess. I’ll see what I can do.

Steady Rollin’:

* Elbow

& The National

ASCAP to Sue 29 Night Clubs, Night Clubs to Respond by Raising Drink Prices On Us

ASCAP (you know, the American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers?) has always been in the thankless business of pinching pennies for... well, generally penniless artists, admirably robbing from the rich to feed the poor, standing up for the little guy, striking a blow for intellectual property, fighting for truth, justice... you know the drill.

But you know what? Fuck that polite, good guy routine. ASCAP is sick of your favorite nightclub's SHIT, man. It's been pushed too far, goddamn it, and now it's taking the kid gloves off, getting down to business, and trading its cute, Penny-Larcany racket for some real Grand Theft.

The Schwarzenegger-esque vengeance has begun with the recent filing of 29 separate copyright infringement lawsuits against nightclubs, bars, and restaurants in 22 U.S. states and Washington D.C. ASCAP claims that these dastardly defendants have publicly performed the songs of the performing rights organization's songwriter, composer, and publisher members (you know, via playing the songs on their jukeboxes, hosting live shows, and so on) without a license.

See, all such establishments are required to obtain licenses from the various performing rights organizations (ASCAP, BMI, and SEASAC, in the U.S.'s case) before they start kicking out the jams to ensure that all of the represented artists can obtain their fees for public performances of their music. Nearly 90% of the fees ASCAP collects are paid as royalties directly to its members, while the balance covers ASCAP's operating costs. The action heroes at ASCAP claim to have repeatedly reached out to the owners of these ne’er-do-well establishments over "a significant period of time" before deciding to workout, get huge, buy some ammo, and take this blockbuster legal action. But each felonious club failed to license the music while continuing to play it.

"By filing these 29 actions at the same time, ASCAP is aiming to heighten awareness among music users and the public that it is a federal offense to perform copyrighted music without permission," says Vincent Candilora, ASCAP senior VP of licensing (and, now, ass-kicking). "ASCAP's priority is to serve as a voice and advocate for its more than 315,000 members who are essentially the smallest of small business owners. ASCAP not only has a right to collect license fees from the users of music, but it also has a responsibility to its members to ensure they are adequately compensated for their hard work."

Bangarang, Vincent! It's time to take out the trash!! Hasta la vista!!! How does it feel to be hunted?!?!! Huh? Oh... yeah, umm, anyway: "Using music is a vital part of the total service that businesses offer, both in attracting customers and driving more revenue," Candilora continues. "By accepting an ASCAP license, business owners can legally use music in ASCAP's popular and ever-increasing repertory." Church!

ASCAP’s Revenge List:

Brookside Sports Bar & Grille, Surprise, Ariz.; Bar 330, Brea, Calif.; Paulie's Upper Deck, Redondo Beach, Calif.; Frankie's Too!, Falcon, Colo.; The Guards / Griffin Room, Washington, D.C.; Matilda's Pub & Barbie, Newark, Del.; Ultra Lounge, West Palm Beach, Fla.; Best Western - Sea Breeze Lounge, Fernandina Beach, Fla.; Wrigleyville North, Chicago, Ill.; Ice Lounge, Indianapolis, Ind.; Tin Alley Grill, Framingham, Mass.; The Quarter Bistro & Tavern, Ann Arbor, Mich.; Scott's 1029 Bar, Minneapolis, Minn.; Parrot's Sports Bar, St. Peters, Missouri; Black Tie Nightlife, Raleigh, N.C.; Dexter's, Riverdale, N.J.; One, New York, Your browser may not support display of this image.N.Y.; Cannon's Black Thorn Inn, Rockville Centre, N.Y.; Fireside Inn, Port Crane, N.Y.; Club Majestic, Tulsa, Okla.; Emerson's Pub, York, Penn.; Charleston Beer Works, Charleston, S.C.; Chattanooga Food & Drink, Chattanooga, Tenn.; Drillers, Houston, Texas; Pat's Pub, The Colony, Texas; Vette's Sports Grill, Odessa, Texas; Five 01 City Grill, Virginia Beach, Va.; The Flame, Spokane, Wash.; and Long Wong's, Milwaukee, Wis.