ELF POWER ON TOUR STORY WITH INCOMPLETE SENTENCES AND CAPS LOCK

ELF POWER IS ON TOUR. NEW ALBUM OUT. GET IT ON MAR 25 2008. HAVE YOU HEARD NOT OF ELF POWER? I WILL TELL YOU: THEY MAKE GOOD INDIE POP. GO SEE THEM.

NEWS STORY TOO BORING?


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Blah Blah Blah, Juno, Blah Blah Blah, Kimya Dawson Tour, Blah Blah Blah, Ellen Page, Blah Blah Baby Jokes, Etc.

PURPOSE:

The purpose of this experiment is to determine whether a connection can be formed between the child-like songwriting of Moldy Peach Kimya Dawson, who will be touring the U.S. starting next week, and the inherent childhood memories of TMT readers of their own junior high science fairs, and also to observe and record the extent to which the aforementioned connection does or does not affect my general popularity as a music newswriter.

HYPOTHESIS:

Since Ms. Dawson has such luck drawing fans with minimalistic, naiveté-affected, "first-draft" technique, it follows that I should receive similar adulation and/or credibility for delivering the following tour news of said artist with similar, heart-on-sleeve gusto.

EXPERIMENT:

Hey, hey, heyyy! Do U lyk when i kIsS you like BUNNYS??? U should C Kimya Dawson (yah, from that mOviE! <3 ) on tour tour tour, aRound and aRound and AroUnD like MERRY-GO-Rounds after sKool where U gAvE me my 1st hand-hold; We wErE pirates 2gthr then, 2 kool 4 the othR kids and rIdIng biKes, eaTing cHocolate, and fUck GeOrge Bush and alll prezidents ever . . . I laUgH whenU laff. we'Re conn-eccted by hi wIrEs... <3 <3 <3

RESULTS:

* Angelo Spencer

** Angelo Spencer & L'Orchidee D'Hawai

CONCLUSION:

You tell me, Rolling Stone. Am I hired???

It is the future. Our scene opens with King Bono Vox I undressing in his palatial bedroom. As he takes off his shirt, we cannot help but be drawn to the trio of Nobel Peace Prizes nestled on a buff chest with “not too much, just enough” hair, hovering equidistant from each other above two perfectly symmetrical nipples, not unlike an Olympic Games logo designed by a sporty Mapplethorpe. Time has been good to Bono, mostly due to the functioning fountain of youth given to him by a grateful lost tribe, partly due to his two daily Bowflex circuits. He lowers his creaseless body into a bath drawn by his manservant Crone.

Bono: “Do you have the children's tears collected, Crone?”

Crone: “Yeah, the children's tears are sitting in that bucket beside your tub. But I don't see...”

Bono: “You don't see? You don't See? You don't have to see! Are you Bono? Are you? The last time I checked, there be only one Bono in this here room, and you ain't it, mate. The children's tears remind me of the suffering, the injustice, at the hands of evil oppressors back in the 20th century... before I cured all of the world’s ills in 2008. Plus they work wonders for the epidermis. I don't expect you to see. Inferior rogue!”

Crone: “Yes sir. I have also laid out your silk gitch. It's dangling over the crapper there.”

Bono (using his 20-10 vision to spot the undercarriage caressors, as they are known in the distant future of 2017): “Those are not rebel underwear...those are fundies, bloody fundies! Be gone Crone, and bullet the blue sky where the streets have no name on your way out.”

End scene.

...

Ah yes, it is all too easy to take a run at the most popular singer in the world, but dude talks the talk. His position as the front piece of (arguably) the world's biggest band is juxtaposed with his tireless campaigning for diverse social causes while acting like a self-professed “real pain in the arse” to U.S. officials. Chief among Bono's political passions throughout the years has been fighting against the problems plaguing Africa: the AIDS epidemic (in the past he has likened the troubling issue to The Holocaust) and the continent's crippling debt. His needling of governments and musical oeuvre are being recognized by a number of African artists including Tony Allen, Angelique Kidjo, Les Nubians, and Vieux Farka Touré who provide interpretations of many U2 favorites on In the Name of Love: Africa Celebrates U2, due April 1 on Shout! Factory.

In the Name of Love: Africa Celebrates U2 will give greater attention to artists who are little known outside certain "world music" spheres and will challenge U2 deriders like myself to find merit in U2's songs without having to listen to The Edge's chunka-clunka-chunka-clunka guitar ruining the proceedings (every single time). Best of all, some proceeds of the album will go to The Global Fund and will prove once again that Bono is the greatest human being alive.

Again. On Valentine's Day in New York, a charitable art auction to benefit AIDS relief put on by Bono and British contemporary artist Damien Hirst raised $42 million. Hirst himself donated seven pieces of art to the auction (including a cabinet full of AIDS treatment drugs which sold for $7.15 million) and 17 artists broke personal auction records at the event, including graffito artist Banksy, whose “Keep It Spotless” made $1.8 million. Said Hirst, “I'm never going to be cynical ever again for a while. We've helped change the world a little bit.” Aye, you have Mr. Hirst. All because of a meme named Bono.

In the Name of Love: Africa Celebrates U2:

1. Angelique Kidjo - "Mysterious Ways"
2. Vieux Farka Touré - "Bullet the Blue Sky"
3. Ba Cissoko - "Sunday Bloody Sunday"
4. Vusi Mahlasela - "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own"
5. Tony Allen - "Where the Streets Have No Name"
6. Cheikh Lô - "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"
7. Keziah Jones - "One"
8. Les Nubians - "With Or Without You"
9. Soweto Gospel Choir - "Pride (In The Name Of Love)"
10. Sierra Leone's Refugee All Stars - "Seconds"
11. African Underground All-Stars featuring Chosan, Optimus & Iyoka - "Desire"
12. Waldemar Bastos - "Love Is Blindness"

Study on Jazz Proves Improvisation Indicates That Brain Engaged in High Creative Thought, No One to Be Surprised

Wow, wow, wow, reader! Apparently, scientists just discovered that when jazz musicians engage in improvisation, their brain is engaged in like-totally-totally creative thought. Deep, and shit.

Imagine. It’s like modern science is confirming, um, everything we probably assumed without modern science, or something.

Seriously, though. Read up.

Scout Leader Kyle Exclusive: Hot Chip is Touring©

According to the headline above, this is NOT a Tiny Mix Tapes exclusive. This is a Scout Leader Kyle exclusive, because Mr P is too big of a tight-ass to pay me for the rights to this story, so now he is required by law to post it with a disclaimer that you're required to read before viewing the actual news story.

DISCLAIMER: All information provided by Scout Leader Kyle is provided for information purposes only. This news story is subject to change without prior notice. Although every reasonable effort is made to present current and accurate information, Scout Leader Kyle makes no guarantees of any kind. If you need to contact Scout Leader Kyle, please refrain from doing so, because his schedule is perpetually full. All text, graphics, user interfaces, visual interfaces, photographs, trademarks, logos, sounds, music, artwork, and computer code (collectively, “Content”), including but not limited to the design, structure, selection, coordination, expression, “look and feel,” and arrangement of such Content contained in this news story is owned, controlled, or licensed by or to Scout Leader Kyle, and is protected by trade dress, copyright, patent, and trademark laws, and various other intellectual property rights and unfair competition laws.

SCOUT LEADER KYLE DOES NOT PROMISE THAT THIS NEWS STORY WILL BE ERROR-FREE OR UNINTERRUPTED OR THAT ANY DEFECTS WILL BE CORRECTED UNLESS THAT BITCH-ASS, MR P FIXES THEM OR THAT YOUR USE OF THIS NEWS STORY WILL PROVIDE SPECIFIC RESULTS. THE NEWS STORY AND ITS TOURDATES ARE DELIVERED ON AN “AS-IS” AND “AS-AVAILABLE” BASIS.

If you have read and understood the disclaimer, then you may read the news story by highlighting the following white space (which will review the text):

The gentlemen from Hot Chip just released their third stellar studio album, Made in the Dark in Febuary, and now they're touring to earn themselves some cash. If you feel like dancing to their magical electronic punk sounds, then get your ass to these shows!

* Free Blood

# DJ Set

Art Brut Amicably Splits with EMI

According to a not-so-humorous post by Barnaby Fudge on the band's website, Art Brut and EMI will no longer be working with each other:

Dearest Internet, it looks like our much loved adventurers just couldn't work it out with EMI after all. That's right, after staying up well into the night talking it over, they have both decided it best if they see other people. The spark just wasn't there anymore. The reasons, you ask? There were many. Maybe the age difference, maybe the mounting work committments [sic]. It just looks as if they both needed some space. And hey, maybe they both need to play the field a little more before settling down. They promise to remain close friends and lunch whenever they can. Good luck to all involved!

Kind of reads like Art Brut got DROPPED like a buttered basketball. But if anything, you can now properly call Art Brut an indie band again, since I know you were dying to. And me? Well, I think I'll be okay (don't click if you're at work!).

Remaining dates:

Pitchfork Music Festival 2008 Initial Lineup Announced; Hangin’ Out with Ryan Schreiber

The initial lineup for Pitchfork Music Festival 2008, the "annual rite of indie passage" as they cheekily refer to it, was announced yesterday afternoon. Blogs, message boards, and online magazines lit up brighter than a Christmas quasar, but instead of simply regurgitating the Pitchfork "news story" for Tiny Mix Tapes, I wanted to interview Ryan Schreiber again (like last year) for round 2 in "Mango Starr Interviews The Pitchfork Bossman." We met at the same coffee shop, but this time Ryan insisted he wear a red hat (instead of blue) to "make things interesting."

...

Hi, I'm Mango Starr. Staff reporter for online music magazine, Tiny Mix Tapes. Remember me?

Sure, how's it going, bud?

I'm well... Actually, I'm a little nervous, so bear with me...

Nervous about what, Mango?

Haha, oh, um... I don't know, haha. I actually haven't done an in-person interview since the last we talked, so I'm a bit rusty.

Haha, weird. Doesn't Mr P gather enough content for you to cover?

Fuck no. Mr P basically scans Pitchfork all day to see what he needs to cover on Tiny Mix Tapes. Haha!

Oh, I see. No worries -- it's all good. What's up, buddy?

I see that a band called Public Enemy are performing a full album on the first day.

Yep, I'm really excited about it. I love that album.

I guess that's one of the perks of being editor-in-chief of Pitchfork!

What do you mean?

Oh, well, I'm just saying you're lucky you get to hear albums even before they're released. I'm more of a newswriter/features type of guy, so I don't get promos. I'll probably buy it when it's released though.

Well, actually, Mango... It Takes a Nation came out roughly 20 years ago. You've never heard of Public Enemy?

Oh, um.... I've heard OF them I suppose. Never actually heard, you know? So I haven't kept up with them I guess. Haha, oh man... I didn't really have time to do research before this interview since the fest news was just announced on your site, and...

That's quite alright, Mango.

Yeah?

Yeah, buddy.

Uh, thanks... Should we start over?

Well, honestly, I'm a bit short on time today. Would you be interested in hanging out at all tomorrow?

Oh well, actually, Mr P wanted the story handed in tonight...

Oh, well, I just mean to hang out, grab a bite to eat, you know. Just chill. Listen to some tunes... HEY! I could show you that Public Enemy album if you want!

You seriously want to hang with me?

Yeah, why not?

Shit man, that's awesome! No, no, I'm totally down for hanging out!

Let's do it, man! Let's hang the fuck out!

Hell yeah! We'll totally just chill out and fucking HANG.

We'll just fuckin' hang 10 like surfers. We'll hang like kids on some fuckin' monkey bars, man.

Like the clothes in your closet: We'll be HANGING!

Definitely, man! Haha! Stick a fork in me, I'm hanging with Mango Starr tomorrow!

...

Pitchfork Music Festival 2008 runs from July 18-20 at Chicago's Union Park. Tickets go on sale Wednesday, March 12 here. Definitely get in touch with me if you want to hang out at the fest.

Initial festival lineup:

- Day 1: Friday, July 18:

Pitchfork Music Festival and All Tomorrow's Parties present Public Enemy performing It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back - More TBA

- Day 2: Saturday, July 19:

Animal Collective - !!! - Vampire Weekend - Dizzee Rascal - No Age - Atlas Sound - Fleet Foxes - More TBA

- Day 3: Sunday, July 20:

Spiritualized - M. Ward - Boris - Extra Golden - El Guincho - More TBA

Atlas Sound’s New LP Comes with Bonus Disc for UK Release, Tours with Animal Collective

Atlas Sound, the amazing project by Bradford Cox, is getting a lot of attention, and I couldn't be happier. His debut solo album, Let The Blind Lead Those Who Can See But Cannot Feel (TMT Review), has been available from Kranky for awhile now, but now word has it that 4AD will be releasing the album in the UK, May 5, and it will include a bonus disc of unreleased material! Which means now you gotta shell out more money for that second disc, but you know what? It's okay, because, as your financial adviser, I can tell you that you're doing just fine financially.

In other exciting news, Atlas Sound will be supporting Animal Collective -- who are releasing the Water Curses EP May 6 on Domino -- for a string of dates on their upcoming tour. It won't happen until May though, so if you MUST see Atlas Sound now, you'll want to head out to Los Angeles to catch them (he's touring with other people, you know) at The Echo tomorrow (Tuesday). And if you don't already live in Los Angeles, all you have to do is book a flight and hotel room for tonight, which will of course require more money. But you know what? It's okay, because, as your financial adviser, I can tell you that you're doing just fine financially.

Fuck it, since we're on the topic, here are other investment ideas during this possible recession:

- high-grade corporate bonds
- money market mutual funds
- gold and silver

Animal Collective tourdates, where ### indicates shows with Atlas Sound:

* Kria Brekkan

The Constantines Tour, Play New York Twice to Appease Me (Obviously)

I got in a fight with my best friend last week, and I blame it all on The Constantines, because our romantic date to see them on March 3 was thrown straight to the dogs, care of a badly-spelled email from Ticketmaster. What kind of two-bit outfit cancels a show because their guitarist breaks a bone in his hand? Hacks. Honestly. I will not go to both New York dates (one rescheduled from March 3), not even to hear them play songs from their new album Kensington Heights (out now on Arts&Crafts), which, though it pains me to admit, is actually pretty fucking good. Instead, I will figure out where Hannah Montana is playing both nights and fly there. That'll show ‘em!

The nerve:

# Canvas Media/Onion AV Club/Arts&Crafts/Saddle Creek Day Party